Need guidance on moving forward

[betrayed01]

Don't know how to start. Feeling lots of pain .Here it goes

I and my wife have been together for 3 years. I am an civil engineer while she works in a bank. 7 months ago, we got married. It was the most happiest day of my life as I was being married to my "love". Never in my life , I imagined that she would cheat on me. She was the best person who cared for, loved me truly or at least I thought so. Few months ago, I noticed that she was behaving weirdly. She was hiding her mobile, spending more time with "girls", busy in office and finding excuses to come home late .She used to chat with her "friend" too much smiling and laughing. Whenever I tried to initiate sex, even hug ,she would reject my advances citing she wasn't in mood. A friend even told me that he had seen my wife in a bar with a guy who was a coworker .He was holding her by waist ,kissing and touching inappropriately.I grew more suspicious but didn't confront her. My suspicions got confirmed when I saw hickeys on her lower neck and chest . When I confronted her, she denied . I then snatched her phone and forced her to unlock it. Then I saw steamy messages between her and that guy .THey were exchanging i love yous , pictures and many others. I was beyond angry and devastated. I screamed at her but didn't hurt her. I asked full details from her. She told that her affair guy was hitting on her for long time.She resisted his advances at first but later felt attracted towards him. She told that she was infatuated towards him but didn't love him but me. They had sex about 6 times including anal. This hurt me alot. When I had asked about anal , she not only refused but called me a disgusting pervert. I couldn't take any longer so I went outside home and spent night at a friend's home. She was constantly texting and calling me .I spent the entire night crying. The next day, when I returned she was sleeping on a couch.When she saw me, She told that she was sorry and is willing to do anything to save our marriage , go to MC and will resign from her job ,cut out AP from her life. I was willing to file for divorce but her begging and tears melted me . I agreed to give her chance.

Its been more than 18 days since dday .I visualize them having sex at least once every hour. I am feeling resentful towards her. When she tries to hug or kiss me, I imagine doing same to her AP and I feel disgusted and push her. I even think I am doing a mistake for taking her back though she appears to be true. I am scared of trusting others.I have lost my appetite .My work efficiency has drastically reduced. I am wearing a fake smile everywhere. I am breaking inside. PLz provide me guidance what should I do

[WilyWill]

She did a horrible, horrible thing to you, and I'm very sorry you have to go through this.

 

My feeling is that your marriage is permanently tainted and that you'll never get over this. She claims to love you, but was willing to do things with a stranger that she couldn't bring herself to do with you. She denied you intimacy in order to stay faithful to this stranger.

 

All of this after just seven months of marriage? While still in the "honeymoon" phase of your marriage? She is a broken, sick person who has no business being married to anyone. You have no ties to her other than a legal document that says you're married. Sounds like you don't have kids yet. Thank goodness. You are not obligated to give her any second chance.

 

File for divorce as soon as possible. Inform her family about what she's done. Inform her place of work about what the two of them did.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you'll be able to find a real woman and love again. You need to cut this cancer out of your life so that you can heal. It will take a while, but in a few years you'll be a happy man with a decent, loving wife.

 

I'm sorry. Do the right thing for yourself.

[purplesorrow]

First, I am sorry for what you are going through. Secondly, you don't have to make any decisions about your marriage so soon. Your first priority is to take care of you. At 18 days, you are very early in the process. Honestly for me the first few weeks were horrible. I kicked my ex out not long after finding out because I just couldn't heal with him in my space. I did IC for a bit and with time started to feel better. For you right now, exercise is a great outlet. Force yourself to eat so you don't lose too much weight. Find a good support system and use it.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

PLz provide me guidance what should I do

 

Trust me on this. I've been through reconciliation and the years of hard and painful work to make it worthwhile. If you stay married to this woman these images will always be there...even 20 years from now.

 

You're young. No kids. Divorce her asap. She is not who you thought she was.

 

PS - The "he hit on me and wore me down" is crap. I've read that on here too many times to count. That's the minimized version of the mating dance. In all likelihood she chased him. Do woman really think of themselves as gazelles being chased by the bad lion?

[kgcolonel]

Trust me on this. I've been through reconciliation and the years of hard and painful work to make it worthwhile. If you stay married to this woman these images will always be there...even 20 years from now.

 

You're young. No kids. Divorce her asap. She is not who you thought she was.

 

PS - The "he hit on me and wore me down" is crap. I've read that on here too many times to count. That's the minimized version of the mating dance. In all likelihood she chased him. Do woman really think of themselves as gazelles being chased by the bad lion?

 

I normally am on the R side of the fence however, being married for 34 years and knowing the hardships that lie ahead, you're best to eject now with this partner. She's not one that you'll ever be able to depend on to have your back with things get rough. Sure she's crying and sad etc....she just got caught doing something despicable to the person she's supposed to love honor and cherish.

 

You don't have to be mean about it, just tell her she's not the person you thought you were marrying and that she'll need someone else who'll put up with this type of behavior. Do it now before the ink on the marriage license dries...you'll be better off in the long run.

[road]

Married short time, you are young, you have no kids with her

makes divorcing her now as your best move.

 

At this point you must tell your and her parents.

[Mrs. John Adams]

and i agree....you have only been married 7 months...and she has been cheating for "several" months. YOu have not had an honest marriage. She certainly is not who you thought she was.

 

This is not to say she is a bad person...or that she will forever cheat. It just means that..you dont have a lot of time invested in this relationship and it would not be economically devastating to dissolve.

 

She obviously does not want to be married. This behavior is not wife material. You are newlyweds....she should be eating you up....she should want to spend every second she can with you. You should still be exploring sexually WITH EACH OTHER....not with other people.

 

I truly am sorry...i know this is so very painful.

 

I truly beleive in reconciliation...but I dont think this one is worth the time and effort to save.

 

Best of luck

[reboot]

Unfortunately, divorce in India is not nearly as simple as divorce in the States.

[understand50]

and i agree....you have only been married 7 months...and she has been cheating for "several" months. YOu have not had an honest marriage. She certainly is not who you thought she was.

 

This is not to say she is a bad person...or that she will forever cheat. It just means that..you dont have a lot of time invested in this relationship and it would not be economically devastating to dissolve.

 

She obviously does not want to be married. This behavior is not wife material. You are newlyweds....she should be eating you up....she should want to spend every second she can with you. You should still be exploring sexually WITH EACH OTHER....not with other people.

 

I truly am sorry...i know this is so very painful.

 

I truly beleive in reconciliation...but I dont think this one is worth the time and effort to save.

 

Best of luck

 

I am generally for reconciliation, but cheating on so short of a marriage, shows she is just not wife material. You need to move on, there is nothing here to save. How to move forward? your original question. Move out, or kick her out, file for divorce. Site the infidelity, I am sure you can get a quick one.

 

I wish you luck.....

[reboot]

I am sure you can get a quick one.

 

I think they have to be living separately for a year before they can even start the divorce.

[understand50]

I think they have to be living separately for a year before they can even start the divorce.

 

Then no time to lose, start the clock......

 

Do not mean to flip to the OP, as I sympathize with you on all this, but to move forward, take action. Also from deepremorse's thread, I read if one party sites infidelity, the process can move much faster.

[mikeylo]

7 months marriage , no kids, no mortgage. Dude , divorce. Best thing for you to do at this point.

[Ahurtgirl]

My opinion is going to be different because I lived what happened to your wife. I was pursued by the married man. I doubt had I been married less than a year rather than 20 years, the married man I was with would of been still able to cause problems in my marriage. He also worked in the banking industry. If you love your wife, give her another chance. Men really can pursue like you can't even imagine and cause so much harm to women. I blame my ex married man 100%. He knew I was vulnerable. He knew exactly what to say and do to get me to cave into HIS needs. I will forever hate him for it. Men that work at banks all think they are better than everyone else and find women who are sweet, caring, innocent to pursue and destroy. Your wife is probably more hurt than you can imagine, not only by the lies the other man told her but by how you reacted to what happened. She will probably be the most dedicated wife now. You have no guarantee that the next woman you meet wouldn't be the type to cheat... your wife got played by a bank coworker. Have her change to a different job that is not in a finance industry and all will be well.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I was pursued too... but it was my choice to cheat. It doesn't matter why she did it.. she is responsible for her own choice. Unless the guy raped her... she chose to spread her legs and other things it sounds like.

 

I have a question... another poster here from India... got a divorce in a matter of weeks. Are the laws different in different parts of the country?

[Cephalopod]

Whatever you do do not forgive her right away or make her any promises. Make no promises. Take time to process all that is happening to you. Get legal advice.

 

Time is on your side. You are the one in control of what will happen from this point onward.

 

Given how short a time you have been married, this is a bad precursor to spending a life wit her. I say divorce her and move on.

[GoldenR]

Was probably a troll...everything I read says 6 months minimum.

[Marc878]

I suspect she's sorry for getting caught only.

 

You need to inform the other guys wife if he's married.

 

You are taking a huge chance staying with her after only married a short time.

 

This will never go away. IMO cut your losses and let this one go.

 

If they continue to work together the affair will continue. You can bank on that.

 

Save yourself !!!!!!!

[niji]

Men really can pursue like you can't even imagine and cause so much harm to women. I blame my ex married man 100%. He knew I was vulnerable. He knew exactly what to say and do to get me to cave into HIS needs.

 

Men only pursue people who are vulnerable and available. Blaming other people "100%" does nothing to help you improve yourself. If you fail to see your part in the affair, the next time the next MM comes along who's to say you won't fall for it again? After all it's "100%" their fault, right? You played no part in it, right? Blaming others is so easy, yet it helps no one. Most of all, it does not help YOU.

 

Your wife is probably more hurt than you can imagine, not only by the lies the other man told her but by how you reacted to what happened. She will probably be the most dedicated wife now. You have no guarantee that the next woman you meet wouldn't be the type to cheat... your wife got played by a bank coworker. Have her change to a different job that is not in a finance industry and all will be well.

 

So let me ask you, how was he supposed to react?

 

"Yes darling, you made a mistake. He was the devil while you poor little helpless thing got strung along. I forgive you, let's just forget it all and start all over".

 

?

 

Most women want equality in society, and yet there's this "poor me" attitude. Enrages me every time.

[WilyWill]

Well said, Niji.

 

Someone who's unable to take responsibility for their own actions and believes they were "pursued" into having an affair is also not suited for marriage. When you marry, marry a responsible, accountable adult who has free will. Not one who thinks that everything they do is someone else's fault.

[Krtk]

First I'm really sorry for you that you hurting this way and what your going through,to be honest I would say divorce is the best and safest way to go its my personal opinion may be you want to reconcile or other tell you give it some time before doing anything but just think you been in a relationship for 3 years and married only for 7 months

Your relationship is relatively very young and she already went out of marriage with no prior reason what if you started facing the real and typical marriage problems let's imagine if you reconcile and build a family having kids with here there's no guarantee this women won't do that to you again and you will regret why you didn't take the right decision when you could have left

And her ****ty reason he hit on me I felt for him I mean come on its take more than that to get any women in right mind to get laid and also being just married less then a year how could she and now she's crying and begging to do whatever to save the marriage that's bs.she willing to do whatever it takes to save her from humiliation and letting people know what kind of a person she really is all I could say you is run while you can there are many girls you could find loyal for life and this one really ain't worth it

There are many women and men who are really sorry from heart for what they did to their spouse and willing to do right things heal if you see that in her give it a shot because she didn't confess and she's only sorry because she gets caught and she tried to deny until you get her phone to get the whole truth that means she can lie to face straight without any hurt or any disguise for what she's doing to you and your marriage probably the affair would still be continuing if you didn't caught her atlast its all comes down to what you want to do with your life

Edited June 27, 2017 by Krtk

[Imajerk17]

My opinion is going to be different because I lived what happened to your wife. I was pursued by the married man. I doubt had I been married less than a year rather than 20 years, the married man I was with would of been still able to cause problems in my marriage. He also worked in the banking industry. If you love your wife, give her another chance. Men really can pursue like you can't even imagine and cause so much harm to women. I blame my ex married man 100%. He knew I was vulnerable. He knew exactly what to say and do to get me to cave into HIS needs. I will forever hate him for it. Men that work at banks all think they are better than everyone else and find women who are sweet, caring, innocent to pursue and destroy. Your wife is probably more hurt than you can imagine, not only by the lies the other man told her but by how you reacted to what happened. She will probably be the most dedicated wife now. You have no guarantee that the next woman you meet wouldn't be the type to cheat... your wife got played by a bank coworker. Have her change to a different job that is not in a finance industry and all will be well.

 

Dafuq

 

This is HORRIBLE advice. You make it sound like women are these weak creatures who aren't strong enough to say no to protect their marriage. Well maybe SOME are, but when it comes to marriage, I and most other men prefer stronger women, women with integrity. And OP should too. Anyway if OP takes this advice he'd have to be sleeping w one eye open for the rest of his marriage that his wife did who the hell knows what, just because some man kept telling her to.

 

OP, your wife isn't sorry she had an affair, she is sorry she got caught. Or maybe she has deep-seated issues with boundaries that you REALLY don't want to deal with. I mean, not even one year of marriage, you and she should still be in the honeymoon phase! Anyway, you don't want to be taking chances that she will have another one just because she isn't strong enough to say no. Divorce this woman and move on to a better one!

Edited June 27, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Buckeye2]

She told that she was infatuated towards him but didn't love him but me. They had sex about 6 times including anal. This hurt me alot. When I had asked about anal , she not only refused but called me a disgusting pervert.

 

She was constantly texting and calling me. She told that she was sorry and is willing to do anything to save our marriage , go to MC and will resign from her job ,cut out AP from her life.

 

You're the nice stable guy with a good job that your wife wants to grow old with. You're dependable and she took you for granted. You're like her dad. No wonder she doesn't want sex with you. The OM is her hot boy friend. Find a girl that wants you as a boy friend. Tell her that you want her to be happy and will clear the way for her boy friend.

 

DO NOT LET HER QUIT HER JOB! DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT!

 

If she's unemployed you may have to pay her more in the divorce.

Edited June 27, 2017 by Buckeye2

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by betrayed01

She told that she was infatuated towards him but didn't love him but me. They had sex about 6 times including anal. This hurt me alot. When I had asked about anal , she not only refused but called me a disgusting pervert.

 

She was constantly texting and calling me. She told that she was sorry and is willing to do anything to save our marriage , go to MC and will resign from her job ,cut out AP from her life.

 

 

Your choices are:

 

1 Stay with her and become a pitiful emotional cripple

 

2 Put her out of your life, and you suffer for a while, but then you will be free and healthy again.

 

This is a case that you have to think only of yourself in order to have a chance at a descent and emotional healthy life.

[drifter777]

 

Its been more than 18 days since dday .I visualize them having sex at least once every hour. I am feeling resentful towards her. When she tries to hug or kiss me, I imagine doing same to her AP and I feel disgusted and push her. I even think I am doing a mistake for taking her back though she appears to be true. I am scared of trusting others.I have lost my appetite .My work efficiency has drastically reduced. I am wearing a fake smile everywhere. I am breaking inside. PLz provide me guidance what should I do

 

Dude - you are never going to accept her as your wife again. The sexual part of her affair is going to drive you insane. I will also tell you that the worst of what she has done, sexually, is yet to come. No cheating wife ever comes clean about the sex. By that I mean part of the reason she volunteered that they did anal might be to keep you from digging into the sex any further.

 

Don't waste one more minute of emotional energy on this woman. She doesn't love you. Your marriage is a sham. You need to learn from this and move on with your life. It's painful and it will be very hard for you to do this but the suffering and emotional trauma you will avoid is immeasurable. Leave her today, start divorce proceeding tomorrow.

[Trtroles]

You have a good friend.

 

Married only for 7 months and she done this. Run away and dont look back.