Green_Eren Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Hey guys, this is my first post ever and I could really use some help. So 9 months ago my ex gf who I dated for 2 years, cheated on me and then left me for the other guy, who she is now dating. I really just wanted some perspective on how I'm coming along, from anyone who has dealt with something familiar or know anyone who has. About a year and half into the relationship, she got into this internship at a company, only problem was that she would need to move far away for 6 months, I didnt object because I wanted her to succeed in her dream. The long distance started out fine, We'd talk and chat everyday, she would visit me, I would visit her etc. She had made many friends, but her closest friend was the guy she'd eventually cheat on me with. Lets call him Joseph, I met Joseph, cool dude at the time. I wasn't worried at all about him because he also had sort of a thing with another girl in the program, and plus I trusted my ex so so so much. We had discussed it many times, we both agreed that we would never ever ever cheat on someone. (BS) Anyways, on my last visit she tells me she has been feeling guilty about developing feelings for Joseph. (Our relationship was already slightly rocky as it was). I told her that I knew things were not good between us but that I really cared about her and wanted to make it work. She agreed and we made up. The next day we got into another one of our usual dumb fights over small things, she would really get on my nerves with how bossy she was. So I ended up ending my visit to her on a bad note, I rushed off the goodbye and rushed into my uber home, I was very frustrated with her and was contemplating break up the whole time. I ignored her texts because I felt like I really needed some space. After ignoring her for one day, I was driving home from class and she called me, she proceeded to try and break up with me. I told her I had similar thoughts, seemed like we were on the same page, but then out of nowhere a feeling of fear hit me, I REALLY DIDNT WANNA BREAK UP. for whatever reason. I asked her why she wanted this, she tried to lie at first, but I got it out of her, she had kissed that guy the day I ignored her and thats why she was so certain. I was really really hurt by this, I trusted this girl with EVERY OUNCE of my being, I cried and screamed at her over the phone and told her that I would never in a million years do the same thing to her. It ended like: she: "Well... it seems like youre pretty upset so we should talk later" Me: "No youre never gonna ****ing talk to me ever again!!" then I hung up, I had never felt so much raw emotion in my life, my heart felt horrible. I sent her even more texts describing how I couldnt believe she was capable of this. She didnt reply for a week and eventually texted me: "Hey I wanna talk, you can ignore this if you like" Upon my friends advice, I did ignore it. One month later, I had to find out through friends that she was now in a relationship with the guy on facebook. It made me feel horrible. What followed was the darkest chapter in my life, I was not feeling well, I tried to rebound with other girls but failed miserably, I was too rusty at being single and I think girls could sense the desperation on me. Fast forward 9 months later, present time: I've been NC the ENTIRE time since that phone call, I'm at my strongest ever from hitting the gym alot, I've worn off all the rust and have been on a real hot streak with the ladies, Ive been partying alot and getting laid from time to time. I've travelled alot, and even discovered my love for travelling, something I had never even considered when I was with the ex. I've made new friends and met new people. And to top it all off in two months I'm transferring to a new college in a completely new state and city!!! I've tried my best to move on, but yet, the memories and thoughts of the past persist. Somewhere around the 6 month mark, they started to disappear because I was starting to have real success again with girls. But now at 9 months they've been rearing their ugly head around, its quite annoying. I think about this everyday and it bugs me, and sometimes I have dreams too which really annoy me when I wake up. I haven't social media stalked AT ALL, so I know NOTHING of her, and so I get curious alot. Start wondering things like: 1. Does she ever think about me? 2. Does she regret what she did? 3. When will she try to contact me? 4. Is she ever going to apologize? 5. I'm I gonna ever see her again? I start to wonder if I'm better off being single forever, but then I get sad at that thought.. But then I think that I really dont wanna get burned like this ever again. It put me in a really really dark place and one that was extremely tough to get out of. Basically, If I could just get anyones opinion it would mean the world to me. I'm really in need of guidance here, I'm on the right path here? Is it normal for me to be having these thoughts after 9 months?
Maldives Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Hey dude yes I been where u r even worse the ex before my most recent ex cheated wth my close friend no friend anymore I was the opposite to ur grieving I cried and cried for 6 mths till there were no more tears and was over her but I later learnt I never really loved her and it was the betrayel that hurt. The recent one i work wth. And she started seeing a colleague in the same place painful it's been 9 mths and it's hard lucky that colleague has left and gone overseas. A small win. This one i loved still do and hate that I still do especially the way I got treated in the end. Long story. To help I would suggest recommend counselling that helps alot. The reason those feelings are back is because and this is probably gonna sound counter intuitive it's because uve done everything to try and forget which is why those feelings are back. U haven't processed the breakup properlyou by letting uresell feel what u feel. Often we try and run away from the pain get into another relationship have sex it's all ways to fill a void but ultimately if those feelings are still there they're gonna stay till u feel them and let them surface. Usually there's lessons waiting for u in that pain it might not be evident to start wth but give it time Not saying u should swell on ur feelings but simply fill it till it's gone naturally so if u keep waking up feeling these thoughts sit wth it for a while till they go of there own accord. It's not about moping around its about processing the breakup why it happened learning from it etc. If u run it'll be a temporary bandaid those feelings will still be there wen ur alone or have time to think about em. Keeping busy is a distraction and is necessary I know this is probably confusing it's serves its purpose for survival purposes u know so you don't lose track of ur work those sort of things or let ureself go but don't be afraid to just sit wth it. If it gets to overwhelming focus on it and tell ureself what's the worst that can happen.nothing anyway good luck and that's my advice from my own breakups 5 of em serious wth 1 marriage over a 25 yr period where I've done both dwelled on it and tried to move on to quick just pick the appropriate time in the day to feel those feelings
ExpatInItaly Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Yes, it's normal for the feelings and anger to reappear at odd times. Don't be too hard on yourself, it seems you've otherwise made good progress. My ex of 7.5 years was also unfaithful. I was shocked, as I'd never had any reason not to trust him. So I understand where you're coming from and I am sorry this happened to you. As for your questions: Yes, I am sure you still are in her thoughts sometimes. The reality is that she was already checking out before the break-up happened, so they're likely not romantic thoughts but I am sure she wonders how you are. Will she ever apologize? Hard to say. Some never do; I got a rather odd veiled apology more than a year after my ex and split. It didn't mean much to me by then and I didn't respond to it, but there it was. Does she regret it? Sorry to say, but probably not - not for the reasons you're hoping, anyway. She likely does regret hurting you and not being more honest, but if she's with this other guy now, I don't think she regrets your relationship ending. I know that's tough to hear, but I hope you get my point there. Will you ever see her again? Again, hard to say. Maybe, someday. But it would likely be a chance encounter or some such thing rather than a planned meet-up. The only way that might happen is if her new boyfriend dumps her and she comes sniffing back around to see if your door is still open. If that happens, you need to keep the door firmly closed. You will find happiness again. My own experience with this betrayal absolutely changed the way I look at love and relationships, but I also learned a lot about myself through this process. You will come to learn what you will and won't accept in future relationships and likely be a lot firmer in your boundaries. That can be a very positive side-effect to a devastating event like this.
Author Green_Eren Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 Yes, it's normal for the feelings and anger to reappear at odd times. Don't be too hard on yourself, it seems you've otherwise made good progress. My ex of 7.5 years was also unfaithful. I was shocked, as I'd never had any reason not to trust him. So I understand where you're coming from and I am sorry this happened to you. As for your questions: Yes, I am sure you still are in her thoughts sometimes. The reality is that she was already checking out before the break-up happened, so they're likely not romantic thoughts but I am sure she wonders how you are. Will she ever apologize? Hard to say. Some never do; I got a rather odd veiled apology more than a year after my ex and split. It didn't mean much to me by then and I didn't respond to it, but there it was. Does she regret it? Sorry to say, but probably not - not for the reasons you're hoping, anyway. She likely does regret hurting you and not being more honest, but if she's with this other guy now, I don't think she regrets your relationship ending. I know that's tough to hear, but I hope you get my point there. Will you ever see her again? Again, hard to say. Maybe, someday. But it would likely be a chance encounter or some such thing rather than a planned meet-up. The only way that might happen is if her new boyfriend dumps her and she comes sniffing back around to see if your door is still open. If that happens, you need to keep the door firmly closed. You will find happiness again. My own experience with this betrayal absolutely changed the way I look at love and relationships, but I also learned a lot about myself through this process. You will come to learn what you will and won't accept in future relationships and likely be a lot firmer in your boundaries. That can be a very positive side-effect to a devastating event like this. Thanks for the reply Expatinitaly. The only thing that I find strange is how hurt I was by the whole thing. I cared about her yes, but she also really really annoyed me at times. I tried to break up with her twice myself but could never pull the trigger because of guilt. Despite all our fighting I did feel a bond was there, and when she broke that bond by cheating I really felt that, know what I mean? And really, I think I still think about the situation itself for the most part, not really about her as a person. I mean sometimes I remember her good qualities, but then I chalk it up to, any girl could do those things, it doesnt make her special. When her and I met, she had a bf too. She didnt cheat but we hung out in very date like ways, she stopped talking to me out of guilt but then 6 months later called me saying she was single and thats how we began. I should have seen her behaivor when I first met her as a red flag, but I was not experienced whatsoever and just wanted her. My follow up question: Do you ever stop thinking about an ex completely? when will this happen? when I find someone even better? My ego wants that guy to cheat on her and for to feel the pain I felt, but I know thats not the right thing to hope for and that I should just move on. Its just a constant thought I have and it wont go away, I dont wanna become a bitter person because of all this..
Marc878 Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 We always want what we don't or can't have. You've done well with NC. Stay on it!!! Moving to a new city will help keep you occupied.
SammySammy Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I've never forgotten an ex. Sometimes I wonder how they are doing. Hope they are doing well. It's normal to think about someone who was a part of your life. Just don't sacrifice your wellbeing for someone who is no longer in your life. Your self-respect. Dignity. Self-esteem. You're doing well. Keep moving forward.
Funny bunny Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I totally agree with goodguy05 that maybe by getting with other girls it delayed your healing. Don't do this again until you are sure you have healed and maybe have sex with someone when you are finally able to catch feelings for them. For the time being I would say cry if you have to (you're a guy but who gives a ****) go to counseling, talk to people, talk to us here on loveshack, grieve the loss. It's a real loss no matter what she did it's still someone you lovers.. Just now I was at work and I started tearing up over a memory (I am two months post breakup that was my fault).
Author Green_Eren Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 So 9 months ago my ex gf who I dated for 2 years, cheated on me and then left me for the other guy, who she is now dating. I really just wanted some perspective on how I'm coming along, from anyone who has dealt with something familiar or know anyone who has. About a year and half into the relationship, she got into this internship at a company, only problem was that she would need to move far away for 6 months, I didnt object because I wanted her to succeed in her dream. The long distance started out fine, We'd talk and chat everyday, she would visit me, I would visit her etc. She had made many friends, but her closest friend was the guy she'd eventually cheat on me with. Lets call him Joseph, I met Joseph, cool dude at the time. I wasn't worried at all about him because he also had sort of a thing with another girl in the program, and plus I trusted my ex so so so much. We had discussed it many times, we both agreed that we would never ever ever cheat on someone. (BS) Anyways, on my last visit she tells me she has been feeling guilty about developing feelings for Joseph. (Our relationship was already slightly rocky as it was). I told her that I knew things were not good between us but that I really cared about her and wanted to make it work. She agreed and we made up. The next day we got into another one of our usual dumb fights over small things, she would really get on my nerves with how bossy she was. So I ended up ending my visit to her on a bad note, I rushed off the goodbye and rushed into my uber home, I was very frustrated with her and was contemplating break up the whole time. I ignored her texts because I felt like I really needed some space. After ignoring her for one day, I was driving home from class and she called me, she proceeded to try and break up with me. I told her I had similar thoughts, seemed like we were on the same page, but then out of nowhere a feeling of fear hit me, I REALLY DIDNT WANNA BREAK UP. for whatever reason. I asked her why she wanted this, she tried to lie at first, but I got it out of her, she had kissed that guy the day I ignored her and thats why she was so certain. I was really really hurt by this, I trusted this girl with EVERY OUNCE of my being, I cried and screamed at her over the phone and told her that I would never in a million years do the same thing to her. It ended like: she: "Well... it seems like youre pretty upset so we should talk later" Me: "No youre never gonna ****ing talk to me ever again!!" then I hung up, I had never felt so much raw emotion in my life, my heart felt horrible. I sent her even more texts describing how I couldnt believe she was capable of this. She didnt reply for a week and eventually texted me: "Hey I wanna talk, you can ignore this if you like" Upon my friends advice, I did ignore it. One month later, I had to find out through friends that she was now in a relationship with the guy on facebook. It made me feel horrible. What followed was the darkest chapter in my life, I was not feeling well, I tried to rebound with other girls but failed miserably, I was too rusty at being single and I think girls could sense the desperation on me. Fast forward 9 months later, present time: I've been NC the ENTIRE time since that phone call, I'm at my strongest ever from hitting the gym alot, I've worn off all the rust and have been on a real hot streak with the ladies, Ive been partying alot and getting laid from time to time. I've travelled alot, and even discovered my love for travelling, something I had never even considered when I was with the ex. I've made new friends and met new people. And to top it all off in two months I'm transferring to a new college in a completely new state and city!!! I've tried my best to move on, but yet, the memories and thoughts of the past persist. Somewhere around the 6 month mark, they started to disappear because I was starting to have real success again with girls. But now at 9 months they've been rearing their ugly head around, its quite annoying. I think about this everyday and it bugs me, and sometimes I have dreams too which really annoy me when I wake up. I haven't social media stalked AT ALL, so I know NOTHING of her, and so I get curious alot. Start wondering things like: 1. Does she ever think about me? 2. Does she regret what she did? 3. When will she try to contact me? 4. Is she ever going to apologize? 5. I'm I gonna ever see her again? 6. Does she feel any guilt at all?? I start to wonder if I'm better off being single forever, but then I get sad at that thought.. But then I think that I really dont wanna get burned like this ever again. It put me in a really really dark place and one that was extremely tough to get out of. Basically, If I could just get anyones opinion it would mean the world to me. I'm really in need of guidance here, I'm on the right path here? Is it normal for me to be having these thoughts after 9 months?
kgcolonel Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 Yes, all normal...just a question, how old are you and was this your first serious relationship? All of what you describe sound like everyone's first heartbreak....I am not trying to minimize it at all. At 58, I still remember mine and while it doesn't hurt now, then, I thought it was the end of the world. Fortunate for you, you cut her off. Mine stayed around for 2 years off and on with two reconciliations until I wised up and saw her for what she was. Do I still sometimes think of her and wonder if there was ever any regret, sure, but then I wonder where I'm going to eat tonight....the level of hurt and priority fade over time but you'll never forget your first of anything. 1
Author Green_Eren Posted June 29, 2017 Author Posted June 29, 2017 Yes, all normal...just a question, how old are you and was this your first serious relationship? All of what you describe sound like everyone's first heartbreak....I am not trying to minimize it at all. At 58, I still remember mine and while it doesn't hurt now, then, I thought it was the end of the world. Fortunate for you, you cut her off. Mine stayed around for 2 years off and on with two reconciliations until I wised up and saw her for what she was. Do I still sometimes think of her and wonder if there was ever any regret, sure, but then I wonder where I'm going to eat tonight....the level of hurt and priority fade over time but you'll never forget your first of anything. Im am 23 and she is 22, yes this was first real relationship ever. Any advice man? did I handle things right? Sometimes I wonder what she wanted to talk about when she sent that text, probably just wanted to apologize. Now I just wonder when shes gonna eventually try and contact me again, At first I was sure that it would happen but now I dont know. Its been 9 months after all, I don't know anything about her but I'm sure shes still with him and I gotta be honest, my ego is not very happy with that. I want her to feel what I felt, I know its dumb but these are just constant subconcious thoughts I have I would like for them to go away. What should I do??
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