is my ex messing with me?

[ssandino]

March 2017:

-she broke up with me.

-breakup was hard...she ghosted me for a week, and when she did reply she said "Im not happy, I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I don't owe you an explanation, please leave me alone." I was heartbroken (1.5yr's). She cut me off. Never spoke to me again.

 

Mid April 2017:

-she called me on my birthday and said she'd like to do something since i did so much for hers. She said we could do anything I wanted.

I received a text from her the day we were going to meet and celebrate

"We need to stop talking. I need time for us to be apart and not have hopes of getting back together. Please leave me alone." I never reached out again.

 

End of May 2017:

-I ran into her at a bar, we spoke until bar close. Lots of flirting and laughing. I could tell she misses me. I didn't want to get my hopes up and think too much of it, so i didn't reach out. She texted me a few nights later and said:

"it really was good seeing you the other night"

- I replied, and she didn't.

 

June 2017:

-I decided what do i have to lose if i call her. she didn't answer.

-i asked her to a Milwaukee Bucks event (I took her to every game; season tickets).

-We had a conversation for an hour via text. she was being really nice and interested.

"she would let me know if plans fall through with her friends".

-she didn't return my call/text day of event.

 

Mid June 2017:

-I called. no answer. I told her I got something for her at the bucks event, and she'd really like it! (it was a sweater they didn't have in her size about a half year back).

"serg, just because i ran into you at a bar and was nice, doesn't mean im ready to hang out yet"

"I'm also fully aware you're trying to see new people and date and I don't feel like getting in the middle of that."

-I responded: "I miss you. I want another chance. But should i not be trying to move on? Until seeing you, I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again.

"I'm not saying you shouldn't move on. I just don't want to hang out with you while you're trying to because I know what's going to happen"

-I didn't reply

"have you slept with anyone?"

I replied: "no, have you?" (i havn't)

"No. I havn't tried to talk to anyone either."

 

I asked her if she was free the next day, and she said she's really sick and can't do anything. I understood.

 

Last week she called me at 3:330am....we spoke for 3 hours. In this conversation she:

-asked what i did for my birthday

-got jealous my previous ex was bartending at the bar my friends and family went to. (i didn't know she worked there)

-hung up on me out of anger/jealousy

-i called back and she ignored it

-i called again and she answered

-revealed her biggest issue with relationship was I didn't like her friends and made her feel controlled

------her friend group is very close, and have been close since middle school. but her "best friend" is a guy she's admitted to hooking up with on/off in the past. I've never met him, and she's never brought him around. she's 24, i'm 27. This is one of those awkward situations you either have to be understanding or walk away from. I'm an understanding person.-------------

-I explained that i actually envy her friends, i never had a group of friends i moved around as a kid, but i was wrong and never had intentions of making her feel that way. But there were certain situations that were inappropriate and created trust issues. But jealousy was not the correct way to handle things.

-she said: "if you mean that, maybe we can talk about things. I think we could've worked things out."

 

The conversation ended, she had to work early. She told me she'd text me the next day.

 

It's been a week and I havn't heard from her. I reached out over the weekend and no response.

 

I texted her last night and she was short and disinterested. Mentioned she was sick again.

 

I texted her this morning, asking how she's feeling and sending a funny meme. I figured she was cranky from being sick and was just trying to cheer her up.

No response. So I waited til about 11pm tonight, and asked

"are you upset with me?"

she said:

 

"No. I'm just busy with my own life."

 

How do i even respond? is she being rude? is she playing games? I want her back and i've been careful and responsible during this break up. Making sure to not push her away. After a 3hr conversation and saying the things she said.....I'm having a hard time putting thoughts together.

 

Can you help? No one to talk to. I feel popular, but only have a few close friends. Whom are married, and in serious relationship- they don't really seem to care.

Edited June 27, 2017 by ssandino

[PegNosePete]

Look I'm sorry to say the writing is on the wall here. It is on the wall 10 feet tall, in bright neon paint, with big flashing lights all around it.

 

You need to read the writing.

 

It says, she is not interested.

 

She has proved this over and over again yet you still keep disbelieving her.

 

You need to wake up, smell the coffee, read the writing, and stop flogging that dead horse.

[ssandino]

i'm listening. I know it was long....but did you read the bottom? your advice is to disregard her phone call and everything she said, reacted, and has asked?

 

Thanks for your reply

[PegNosePete]

did you read the bottom?

Yes. I didn't see anything different to what I read at the top. Lack of interest from her.

 

your advice is to disregard her phone call and everything she said, reacted, and has asked?

Not at all, you should take good notice of everything she has said, reacted and has asked. She's telling you loud and clear that she isn't interested in a relationship with you. Sorry.

[ssandino]

okay, i get it. I agree it's obvious she is not interested in a relationship. I guess i should rephrase my question to you...do you feel i should disregard her jealousy, hanging up, asking intimate questions like who i've been with, calling me for 3hrs, etc. as mixed signals or is she messing with me? I guess it's hard for me to believe that she doesn't think those things are misleading. I've respected her space, and havn't crossed any boundary's. But i've made it clear I want her back, so to call me after that and get jealous, is what is confusing me.

 

 

again thanks

[PegNosePete]

do you feel i should disregard her jealousy, hanging up, asking intimate questions like who i've been with, calling me for 3hrs, etc. as mixed signals or is she messing with me?

I think it's completely irrelevant. Whatever her intentions, it makes no difference. You need to accept that the relationship is over and that nothing you say or do will change her mind. And then you need to realize that staying in contact with her is just going to cause you more pain and suffering. Talking to her is obviously causing you confusion and pain and upset. So you need to stop.

[ssandino]

okay. thanks for taking the time to reply. I havn't replied back, and I'm not going to. i felt her last response was rude.

 

Before we hung up last week, she said maybe we can talk about things, and she thinks we could've worked things out....I want to be direct with her and ask her how she feels, because there is alot of mixed signals. I don't want to be mislead, and her ignoring me after that call feels that way. But I also don't want to come off confrontational as if im demanding an answer, i don't want to push her away.

 

Going from being told to leave someone alone, to them calling you for 3hrs is some serious progress, even if she's hot and cold. What's your advice? I'm listening to you, I'm not going to text her. I'm confused as to whether this is progress or being mislead. And to clarify when i say progress i don't mean to getting back together, just being in contact and making plans to see each other kind've progress.

[PegNosePete]

What's your advice?

Sorry I thought I'd already been clear what my advice is.

 

My advice is to not talk to her ever again. Even if she texts you or calls or emails you, you should not respond. In fact you should block her number in every way possible. Make an email rule to send them to trash. Block her texts, and calls.

 

Read the NC guide http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide and follow it.

Edited June 27, 2017 by PegNosePete

[ssandino]

I've done no contact for almost 2 months. It's usually recommended 30days.

 

Until we ran into each other and began slowly communicating again.

 

Because My goal is to get her back....Can you please explain why you think never speaking to her again is best? I view this as progress, even her being hot and cold, i feel as though that is normal when a women is confused about being with a man.

 

Also, is this something i should say to her? It feels like the mature thing to do- ask her what her intentions are, and how she feels, and if i'm rejected, then ask why she even called, got jealous, etc. - accept her answers and move on with my life.

but i can't help to think that sortve question might put pressure on her and push her away.

 

Hey bud just want to say thanks again, no ones taken time of day.

[PegNosePete]

I've done no contact for almost 2 months. It's usually recommended 30days.

Where? By whom? Recommended for what? Did you read the NC guide link I posted above? Does it recommend 30 days?

 

My goal is to get her back....Can you please explain why you think never speaking to her again is best?

Sigh.

 

I've said this in every post so far, and your ex has said it many, many times as well.

 

She doesn't want you back. She will never want you back. The relationship is over. It is dead. You're flogging a dead horse. You're in deep denial. You need to wake up and smell the coffee, read the writing on the wall. You aren't listening.

 

Never speaking to her again is best because it will help you move on in the fastest time possible and with the least pain and suffering. It will not get her back. Nothing will.

 

i feel as though that is normal when a women is confused about being with a man.

Look she is not confused. She has told you over and over again that she doesn't want you back. There is absolutely no confusion on her side here. None. Zero. Zilch. She knows exactly what she wants, and that is to NOT take you back.

 

Maybe she wants to play games with you, maybe give you false hope, maybe string you along like a cat plays with a mouse before biting its head off, maybe she wants to be "friends" or whatever. But she does not, and will never, want you back. She has made this 100% clear.

 

I'm sorry I'm running out of ways to rephrase this. But you seem to be ignoring it over and over again.

 

Good luck buddy.

[Maldives]

okay. thanks for taking the time to reply. I havn't replied back, and I'm not going to. i felt her last response was rude.

 

Before we hung up last week, she said maybe we can talk about things, and she thinks we could've worked things out....I want to be direct with her and ask her how she feels, because there is alot of mixed signals. I don't want to be mislead, and her ignoring me after that call feels that way. But I also don't want to come off confrontational as if im demanding an answer, i don't want to push her away.

 

Going from being told to leave someone alone, to them calling you for 3hrs is some serious progress, even if she's hot and cold. What's your advice? I'm listening to you, I'm not going to text her. I'm confused as to whether this is progress or being mislead. And to clarify when i say progress i don't mean to getting back together, just being in contact and making plans to see each other kind've progress.

 

 

She's giving u mixed signals in some of those responses. She's hot and cold. The best thing to do and take it from my own experience is leave them alone even if u want them back.

 

That hot n cold went on for a few weeks wth my ex wife till she basically told me to **** off lol. At that point I'd given up went overseas met a new girl and fell in love lol and she came running back not becausee of that I'd never told her I met her. Woman have a way of sensing wen u have really moved on that is wen they return if they're going to return.

Usually by thend like me its too late uve grieved uve let go or are like me in that in between space.

She came back and it reset the whole process for me sabotaged a new relationship id started and basically she ended it again after a period of a few weeks of going hot and cold.

That's my story I hope u can take something from it.

 

Breakups eapecially when it's painful are rear to repair sorry to say. There's usually too much damage just from the break up alone and that's not including if another party was involved etc etc.

I think wat I've done can sonetime fast race the letting go in some cases. Being rejected enough times has that effect on u where u just throw ur arms up in the air and surrender, surrender to letting go. Good luck

[elaine567]

We can call it "hot and cold" but there is no actual "hot" here.

 

There is "some" friendliness there is "some" chattiness, but there is no actual "hot".

There is however plenty of cold, and total disinterest too.

 

SHE broke up with you.

Nothing here tells me she is regretting that decision.

She is right, she is busy getting on with her own life, you should do that too.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

It sounds like she is deliberately misleading you. I don't think she genuinely wants to get back together, but she also doesn't want you to move on either.

 

It sounds like she only reaches out to you just long enough to know you still want her, and to get your hopes up. Once she receives that validation, she disappears again. She has you wrapped around her little finger, and she knows it.

 

If I'm right, then this is purely about her insecure and selfish ego. Once she has met someone else, you will either be forgotten or downgraded to the "backup guy" in case things don't work out.

 

Fortunately it sounds like you are starting to wake up to the realization that she is playing games with you.

 

I think it would be wise to move on and not communicate with her again. It will only end in more confusion and heartbreak for you.

[Ronnys93]

If you go no contact and completely ignore her, it's going to drive her CRAZY. She doesn't want you back though so it's not going to get her back, but play the game. Disappear and know that she's going to go mad because she doesn't have you under her thumb anymore. Turn those tables!

[ssandino]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

 

 

I agree with you all- she's made it clear she doesn't want me back. I've been viewing this as progress, but her sudden distance after calling me and saying those things, feels like rejection again.

 

What is the best way to handle this?

 

I don't want to just leave things as is, and awkwardly fall into that place where things are left unsaid and it just fades away and we never speak again.....

...I will regret that..........so i want to say something, but i don't want to make her feel pressured and feel confrontational.

 

-I want to ask her if she still has feelings for me instead of trying to decipher mixed signals

-Tell her i'm confused because of the things she said on the phone last week, and becoming jealous, asking who if i've been with anyone, and now ignoring me again.

-If she says no, she doesn't have feelings for me, well.....it sucks but I'll have to just walk away and know this isn't progress....

 

What's your suggestion on what to say to her?

 

thank you everyone

[elaine567]

Never confuse jealousy with love or feelings. A person can be insanely jealous and not want you to see other people but at the same time have little or no feelings for you and they may still not want you back.

 

Having you still besotted with her is a huge ego boost for some. If you decide to go off and date other women then you are no longer under her spell, so she is jealous and wants to stop you moving on and away from her.

She may not want you, but at the smae time, she doesn't want some other woman to have you.

[ssandino]

do you think I should text her and be direct? ask if she still has feelings for me....and tell her the phone calls, jealousy, etc. is confusing for me and i don't want to be mislead?

 

or does that sound confrontational/pushy. I'd rather be friends with her, but the things she's said to me aren't what friends to say to each other...

 

Thank you- i've never gone through anything like this, i feel like im walking on egg shells

[spiderowl]

Sorry but she's just not interested enough in getting back together. The signs appear to be that she doesn't mind interacting once in a while, maybe because it reassures her you still care, but she will not move forward with you.

 

I think you are wasting your time hoping for anything with this girl. It is addictive when someone is a push/pull character but it is very harmful to you. You need to recognise that this 'intermittent reinforcement' is what is keeping you addicted (as it does for people who get hooked on gambling). For your own sake, cut off from her and stay away, even if she comes looking for you. She will only do the same over and over again.

[Marc878]

What does she have to do to you so you'll actually get it?

 

Chasing always pushes them farther away.

 

You have a problem. Better fix yourself

[Maldives]

do you think I should text her and be direct? ask if she still has feelings for me....and tell her the phone calls, jealousy, etc. is confusing for me and i don't want to be mislead?

 

or does that sound confrontational/pushy. I'd rather be friends with her, but the things she's said to me aren't what friends to say to each other...

 

Thank you- i've never gone through anything like this, i feel like im walking on egg shells

 

It sounds to me like ur still confused as to where you stand wth her finalise it get the clarity u seek dont leave anything unsaid. ask and make it clear for u that u finally get where she stands and then never contact her again.

 

If she's still saying stuff like who knows maybe in the future do not put ur life on hold for someone who is undecided. U r plan b..don't be anybodys plan b. If u heare that kinda banter know it's really over

Edited June 27, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Funny bunny]

If you say anything it has to be something she can reply with a yes or no answer:

 

Can we get back together and work things out? I am willing to do this because I love you.

 

If she says yes well she says yes. If she says no then initiate no contact forever. It ****ing hurts believe me. I am going through it right now. I asked if there was hope and he said no. This was three weeks ago but honestly after I got the truth from him I've been going through the stages of grieving which will eventually lead to healing. It's going to take a while. I cry a lot. But I know the TRUTH. We are all here for you. Talk to us here on loveshack if you must. We don't want you to keep getting hurt.

[dumbass2]

Hate to say but if you have a selfish ex then when pressed they can tell you no hope, you'll never be together again and then bam! A month later there they are contacting you with breadcrumbs giving false hope.