Michelle ma Belle Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Love Language - I'm telling you it's a game changer! I've commented numerous times on here about this book. It was given to me and my husband by our marriage therapist. Yes, perhaps a bit simplified but that doesn't mean it can't still be effective. The 'catch' with this book is that identifying each other's love language is the easy part (and we can have more than one btw). The hard part, the part that often causes people to throw their arms up in exasperation and declare books like this are simply poppycock is that you have to do the work! Nothing works unless you work it. Period. Knowledge is key but power lies in the action, in the doing. That makes the all difference between where you are and where you want to be. Of course, as always, you BOTH have to want to work on your marriage and especially in how you communicate. Communication is paramount to a happy relationship. Doesn't matter if it's this book or another book or some intense therapy session or weekend couple's retreat, you get out what you put into it and it takes two people in a relationship to make it work. Good luck.
Overtaxed Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I agree, that sounds like the bigger issue. You know your husband doesn't compliment with words, you are probably aren't going to change that now. But you can tell that something has changed, and that isn't insignificant. Not trying to put the blame on you, but are you still trying to look good? I mean, if you've let yourself go and put on 50 pounds, and never wear anything but sweat pants, then you have things you can do. But if you try to keep yourself looking nice, that is all you can do, all you can do is decide how much you can stand being unappreciated. I wouldn't give up that easily; I was "that husband" who never complimented with words. My W had an A, one of the primary reasons she did was because she didn't feel my love because I didn't use those words. After I identified her LL, and we talked about it, I compliment her all the time now. It's not that hard. I tell her all the time, I always thought those things about you (the compliments) but I never said them, I felt the actions were more important. Don't tell me you think I'm attractive, kiss me. But that's MY love language, not her's. And, like an idiot, I thought that was the "only" love language because it's how I get and give love. But it hasn't been hard AT ALL for me to speak her language better. Just open your mouth when you think kind things about the other person. Tell them you care. Tell them you find them attractive. Tell them you're in love with them. It's really not that difficult once you get a better understand for what the other person needs. 3
kellygreenmom Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 Hi there! Sorry to hear of lacking emotional need in your marriage. That is hard to experience and even harder to express at times much less have the spouse understand. I know you said that the porn use isn't so much you concern but.....don't you think that his porn use is what is contributing to this lack of visual sexual desire toward you? When porn users get used to certain types of bodies or sexual acts they change the type and level of sex acts to meet their need for new stimulation. This continues as there is never enough or a certain fit for the user's addiction/personality/consistent use. Yet all the while you are the same woman, with changes to your body that our culture says are not as attractive. So when you were fresh to his eyes and he was infatuated with you he acted attracted to you and made compliments. Now that infatuation is gone and body changes have happened(which is NOT cause for a husband to not consider his wife beautiful, desirable) there is a deeper different type of connection that a husband and wife share. I certainly think sharing that one of your love languages is words of affirmation is important. I only hope that his heart and emotional connection to you isn't too damaged from his online porn use. For years after my husband quit porn use he still wasn't very connected to me sexually. Yes the act happened but there wasn't a desire of him toward me. I, too, wondered what was wrong with me. He hadn't disclosed his porn use to the extent I know it now and I was naive to the side effects that would continue post-use. Culture me say its ok but my experience is that it damaged him which in turn damaged our intimacy for years. Hopeful for your marriage! Communicate, communicate, communicate.
JHandy Posted June 29, 2017 Posted June 29, 2017 (edited) One thing I think is essential in a relationship is sharing. Porn can have some positive effects but when used solo can have one negative side effect that can be profound. It creates loneliness in the user. It can also lead to shame if there are negative opinions being made of it. Porn users can get sucked into it to dark levels as one would with any addiction. I've always thought porn was a fun escape for a couple. But when things start getting rough porn can start replacing the significant other. This happened with me in my previous marriage. It wasn't out of trying, but she just wasn't into the marriage anymore. Porn became my only release. And it made me very lonely as well. In my new marriage I still watch porn every now and again but my current wife likes to be part of it. She also has her idiosyncrasies that I am now a part of too! In our pasts neither one of us had ever crossed into each other's unique interests, but rather be judgemental we just accept each other and share each other's unique love of life. My love for porn is still high, but I watch it a lot less. My wife interests me more. We share fantasies instead Porn is a thing like any other thing. It's a hobby in a way. I think the best way to help him with it is be interested in his thing. Don't judge it. The thing about battling anything is first accepting it. Porn may be a big thing right now. I also suspect he's lonely. If you accept him and his love of porn and become his porn buddy he may start seeing a side of you he missed all along. You will see the things he likes, you may also see things you like that you never knew. But I will guarantee he will see a lot he likes in you that he may have forgotten or just never knew. If you watch it with him and get a shared pleasure from it, I suspect he'll never want to watch it again alone. I also suspect you both won't be watching as much as time goes by. Then you two can make up your own porn Just join him. Edited June 29, 2017 by JHandy Clarification
ahmed8xm Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 Talk to him peacefully He needs to quit his porn Porn is an addiction it causes dangerous effects on brain Read about porn induced ED
Recommended Posts