Guys - have you gotten over your first heartbreak?

[drifter777]

I'm curious because I never have and wonder how many men are like me. We went steady for nearly 2 years before she dumped me. I was 17 and completely devastated. I could never commit suicide but I truly wanted to die. I did not eat for nearly 2 weeks, I didn't want to see anyone and I stayed pretty much in bed or on the couch for that whole time. I get choked up just remembering that horror. My father was not much of a "touchy/feely" man but even he expressed concern for me and encouraged me to get out of the house - he even gave me some money and told me to get out and have some fun. The strangest thing about my initial mourning is that I had at least a dozen good friends and 3 or 4 as close as brothers to me but none of them could even talk to me about it. Emotions at that age are terrifying to boys and nearly impossible to talk about. Finally, at about the two week mark, I started to get a little hungry and my closest friend happened to stop by at that time. He was very reserved to talk about why I was sitting here dying, so he took the path of "hey - I'm tired of this bull$hit! Get up - we're going out" and I did. I remember actually feeling embarrassed to see my friends - as if I was such a failure at keeping my girlfriend and such a pussy for the way the break-up devastated me. That feeling didn't go away easily, but I was happy when a couple of my friends said things like "yeah, that's tough" or even "go to the girl tree and pick another one". What they said didn't matter, it was the fact they said anything at all about it that I appreciated.

 

The first year was a living hell. It seems there were plenty of girls who were happy I was unattached so I tried to get back in the swing of "dating" after a couple months. It was a complete disaster and I know I hurt a couple of those girls badly. They didn't understand the level of "broken" I was and believed that they would be the one to heal me. Even when I met my future wife a while later I wasn't ready for a relationship. I just went along with fate until we were married. A year later my son was born and I became a husband & father - a family man.

 

I have honestly never recovered. There was - and is - no way I could possibly allow myself to love like that again. There is no reward I can even imagine that could balance out the risk of feeling that kind of pain. In fact, it takes only a song on the radio or the smell of a certain perfume to trigger those horrible memories. We're supposed to remember our first love - although bitter/sweet - as a wonderful memory aren't we? Does anyone, any man at least, not feel more than a twinge of pain when remembering her and that horrible breakup? I think there were various psychological reasons that my reaction was stronger than most guys might experience, but I think most men are changed forever after that first heartbreak. It's a normal, natural part of growing up for most but a traumatic never-healing scar to some.

[RecentChange]

You know, I am not saying this to be a braggart, no, actually in many ways its quite the opposite.

 

I have never had my heart broken. I have loved, and lost, but apparently its not this same thing that many others experience.

 

Years ago, when my husband cheated… the cheating, I was pretty “eh” about. When he said he didn’t know what he wanted any more – and talked about leaving, that was a kick in the guts. It was a hard time. Waking up in bed next to him, and thinking he didn’t want “this” anymore meant starting my days in tears. I was questioning what my purpose was. I had invested so much time, energy, all of me into “us” for the last decade…. I wasn’t suicidal, but remember envisioning walking up to the shore… and just to keep walking. It was that mental image of going with the tide, of nothing more for me here.

 

Which looking back is C R A Z Y talk…. But like you said, emotions make you feel unpleasant and irrational things. I was however still able to work every day, still took care of his ass and cooked us dinner every night… for the most part I was able to maintain.

 

My take away from that chapter? I learned to tell myself I will be OKAY. That if push comes to shove, I still have myself and this beautiful world.

 

But it also made me add a few more bricks to that wall I am sure. Maybe I do not love as deeply as others, and thus do not experience the same level of hurt.

[SammySammy]

Yeah. I got over it long ago.

 

It was quite devastating though. I was a year or so older than you. When I found out what she was doing I was crushed. Utterly broken. I sat on the floor for two days. Didn't eat and didn't speak to anyone.

 

I got up after the second day, went back to college (I had been home for the weekend) and was stone cold ruthless to the women. "They" were never going to treat me like that again. I was a low down, dirty dog.

 

Until I realized "they" didn't do anything to me. One woman did.

 

Changed my act. Met my wife. Had a child. When that relationship ended, it didn't hurt nearly as bad.

 

The strange thing is each relationship after that hurt less and less. Now, a breakup doesn't even register. No pain at all.

 

Maybe that first breakup is still affecting me after all. But, I feel like I got over it a long time ago.

[drifter777]

You know, I am not saying this to be a braggart, no, actually in many ways its quite the opposite.

 

I have never had my heart broken. I have loved, and lost, but apparently its not this same thing that many others experience.

 

My wife says pretty much the same thing, as do a number of other women I've discussed this with. I think most of them - maybe not you - have had their hearts broken but most women bounce back much better than men do so it's not such a traumatic, memorable event. This isn't an opinion - it's a scientific fact. Women, in general, hurt worse at and immediately after the break-up but recover relatively quickly. Men hurt deeply and many never "get over it". That's why I started this thread - to find out how many guys have been scarred by the loss of their first love.

Edited June 26, 2017 by drifter777

[SevenCity]

I can relate to this. Though having been in love before I didn't realize what real love was until I met my ex gf at 37. I'm very cautious now and really don't believe anything out of a woman's mouth when they say "I love you" etc.

 

Although the last year had some issues (really due to lack of communication and her insecurities), the 6 years prior were like nothing I've ever experienced. It was that feeling that I finally found someone who always has my back, no matter what.

 

Although she "felt" the same she left me about a year ago. I'm starting to feel like I hit my max with her and no other girl will come close to what we had.

 

Moreover, I don't think I could allow myself to be as vulnerable like you said. It's just not worth it.

 

I also agree with women having a much easier time getting over breakups. Typically, they have to work to be single. Guys have to do nothing. We don't have a good emotional support system and society finds it distasteful when we express weakness.

 

It's a shame because I don't think I'm capable of having a relationship where I'm always thinking she will be gone one day. It makes me look at relationships as temporary.

 

If history is any indicator I'll get to a point of apathy one day but the scars will remain. I would not go through the past year again for all the money in the world.

[The Urbanyst]

What do you mean by "get over"? Stop liking the person or stop feeling sad about the breakup?

[thefooloftheyear]

Got over it? heck I'm so old I don't even remember it!

 

TFY

[carhill]

OP, as a guy at the far end of the heartbreak interval spectrum, I'll share something I've noted about a lot of stuff. Those emotional traumas we suffer when young while our brain and emotions are developing are burned into our psyche in a way which seems to transcend time, growth and the natural course of life. If you suffer such a heartbreak during that time, it's possible, and often likely, for the remnants to be with you for life.

 

What I learned to do over the decades is, one, don't fight the remnants/memories/feelings when they pop up. Don't deny or stuff down. Two, accept and embrace them as real and valid and OK. Then process them as the past. Valid past but the past. Then redirect to the now. What's going on now? That's where life is lived, in the now.

 

When you get to the other end, it'll all seems so brief. Enjoy it, even those heartbreaks. Lets you know you're alive and makes all the joys even more satisfying.

 

Yes, I got over my first heartbreak but I was fortunate it didn't happen when in the young emotional development stage so it was easier to accept and process. Other stuff, not related to romance, was harder and required professional help. No worries. It'll work out.

[loverboy69]

The first heartbreak I had was the hardest.

 

As a young gay man who was still in the closet at the time I literally couldn't share this with anyone. I had to bottle it up and every night when I was alone I'd feel that familiar lump in my throat and would cry myself to sleep.

 

I thought I'd never love again just like the OP.

 

But you know what? I did. Wash rinse and repeat.

 

I came to terms with everything when the roles were reversed the next time and I was the heartbreaker. I was able to see things more objectively.

 

As an adult we still feel the sting of rejection just like kids do at a school playground. The difference is with experience comes wisdom and that wisdom allows us to process those feelings differently.

 

Whether it's a girlfriend, platonic friend, loss of a loved one, failure at a business venture... you name it... life will throw a lot of curve balls at you. How you will be defined isn't by your success but how you handle adversity.

 

You'll be okay OP. All of us have felt the sting of a breakup. I feel for you and know that in time that all too familiar pain will pass. It takes time. Trust me.

Edited June 27, 2017 by loverboy69

[Bastile]

Took me about two years, looking back. I was a teenager and didn't know about anything. That was the only time I've properly used someone else as a rebound straight after the breakup... I must have been feeling really sh*tty.

 

Have no feelings for her now - good or bad. She does have a significant place in my life, just based on being a chapter in the story.

 

I've also had better chemistry with other women since. So perhaps that plays a part in why I'm not so hung up on it. I think that gives you good perspective.

 

I'd also argue that it's possible to create better things than the naive puppy love of our teen years. I've no interest in going back to that

[guest569]

How many years since your breakup? Have you been happy in your life, marriage and family? Have you been able to get on with your life?

 

It's been over 3 yrs for me, i felt at the time of the breakup that i would never get over it. It still hurts and I mourn the loss. It was the worst time of my life and the worst pain I've felt. It was extremely traumatic and the memories are still vivid. I don't agree with the opinion that women get over it quicker.

[CptInsano]

I still remember breaking up with my first girlfriend, and it was rough. I still remember waking up and feeling a few seconds of calm before I realized what happened. Yeah, it was painful.

 

However, I had enough of a stiff upper lip to just focus on work and working out. I was extremely productive during that time. My attitude changed a few months into this, and I started to party more because I just felt numb.

 

Then that gorgeous woman appeared at a party, and I just had a lot of sex with her for a few weeks, and I realized that she was a great person overall. This "rebound" is still the longest and most meaningful relationship I've ever had.

 

But yes, I'm long over my big break-up.

[GoodOnPaper]

OP, as a guy at the far end of the heartbreak interval spectrum, I'll share something I've noted about a lot of stuff. Those emotional traumas we suffer when young while our brain and emotions are developing are burned into our psyche in a way which seems to transcend time, growth and the natural course of life. If you suffer such a heartbreak during that time, it's possible, and often likely, for the remnants to be with you for life.

 

I agree that the emotional high and lows that we experience when we're young are so vivid compared to much of what we experience when we're older.

 

My two big "heartbreaks" still have lasting impressions - even now after 30 years since they happened. My first friendzoning experience at age 16 was a crusher - after weeks of connecting and what I thought was moving toward a dating relationship, I found out she was actually dating some biker guy who was three years out of high school. I was a walking cliche.

 

Then there was the two-year relationship in college. We were talking engagement, then a summer when she suddenly wants a "break", strings me along for two or three months only to dump me because I was her first boyfriend ever and she wanted to experience other guys.

 

I think someone posted asking about whether this kind of thing was about wanting those women back - for me it's not. I don't want anything to do with them. It's about resenting the pain and embarrassment. These experiences, along with how I struggled so much overall in the attraction/dating arena, really cemented the notion that, at least when it comes to women, there is something fundamentally "wrong" with me and even marriage and kids have not been able to erase that.

[joseb]

I can barely remember the girl to be honest. I'm sure I was gutted at the time, but I think even at that age I'd already been through much worse stuff, so it was pretty easily gotten over.

 

Now, in comparison, finding out my finance was cheating in my 30s, well that was at least an order of magnitude worse.

 

So yeah when people go on about their first love and how hard it was, I must admit i kinda roll my eyes mentally.

[drifter777]

How many years since your breakup? Have you been happy in your life, marriage and family? Have you been able to get on with your life?

 

It's been over 3 yrs for me, i felt at the time of the breakup that i would never get over it. It still hurts and I mourn the loss. It was the worst time of my life and the worst pain I've felt. It was extremely traumatic and the memories are still vivid. I don't agree with the opinion that women get over it quicker.

It's been decades and, yes, I have moved on with my life. I almost never think about her or the breakup.

 

I don't think it has directly affected my "happiness" in life but, indirectly, it was a traumatic experience that changed me forever. As I indicated, I've never loved quite like that again. In that respect I don't think I'm all that much different than any other guy. Live and learn, right?

 

I agree that the age is a major factor in the depth of the hurt and I was 17. Also, my home life was awful and I had put everything into my relationship with her. She was the cornerstone of my whole life to the point that, when it ended, I saw no future for me. Those two factors made what is a normally a painful life experience into a soul-crushing trauma.