KAOJ Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 I wasn't sure where to post. My ex (who was a liar and cheater) s in town and asked me to meet for lunch. We have remained friendly mostly. I was really crushed when everything happened. I have been doing better lately....but just don't know what to do. I haven't asked any friends for advice because they would probably be disappointed that I am still kind to him. I am torn. What would you do?
Jagged100 Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Don't go, what can you possibly hope to gain from seeing him? He lied and cheated on you, he doesn't sound like the kind of person you should keep in your life. 2
usa1ah Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Stay away and block any way of him contacting you. All he will do is hurt you. You have been hurt enough by him. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 What would I do? I would work more on myself to better filter out liars and cheaters who don't deserve my time. 3
springy Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 If you were a loved one I would be disappointed that you were still in contact with a person who did these things to you. I would tell you I didn't think it was not a good idea for you to go and then suggest discontinuation of further contact would be best. If you feel you have to hide the meeting from friends and family, that's a good indication that you probably shouldn't go. 1
whatnot Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 If my ex called and wanted to see me again, I'd probably ask why? Then I'd probably go...(no matter her answer)....even while wondering how it could possibly go well. We also haven't been friends or kept in contact. It would be a much stranger occurrence for my ex to call me. It would be so out of character for her to do so...I'd almost have to go see what's up. Once I got there...she'd probably begin telling me of her new lover(s). Then I would be crushed. My ex calling is such an abstract thought...it's almost impossible to imagine it or to know what I'd do. Describing what I'd do in such a hypothetical situation is almost .... pointless. Take care 2
whatnot Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 And as she's telling me of her other.... I'd be sitting there...appearing unaffected....all the while wondering to myself while she's talking... "What is up with this person?" "Why is she telling me this?" "Does she not know what this would do to her if the roles were reversed?" "Is the that self-centered? Or is she really believing I'm over her as much as she's appearing to be over me?" "Should I even ask her any of the questions that's running through my mind or should I just play it straight and get out of here?" "What is her motive for calling me in the first place?" the questions would be endless...and even asking her would provide no answers....as I'm quite sure she would not know the answers herself. I don't want to be in that situation again. Not saying I wouldn't go. It's probably both. I don't want to be in that situation...but might would put myself in it anyway. That's obviously hypothetical. It's impossible to know what one would do in such an improbable situation. 1
Maldives Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 There is nothing to gain for u from someone who's cheated and lied to u accept pain Don't go or respond 1
basil67 Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 What would I do? I would not have stayed friends with him for a start. 5
Author KAOJ Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 I am an idiot to be 'friendly' with him. I don't want to make excuses for me remaining in contact with him. I thought he was the love of my life. I was wrong. I suppose I am immature in relationships. Thank you all for your insight and advice. Truly.
Author KAOJ Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 I want to save these replies and refer to them when he contacts me. Unfortunately, most of our great time overshadow the sad/bad times. And that is awful. All I should remember is how he did me wrong.
Zahara Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I am an idiot to be 'friendly' with him. I don't want to make excuses for me remaining in contact with him. I thought he was the love of my life. I was wrong. I suppose I am immature in relationships. Thank you all for your insight and advice. Truly. You're not an idiot. You created a thread some time back inquiring about co-dependency and healing from it. So you know why you allow someone that treated you badly to have access to you. And no, he was not the love of your life. Love has nothing to do with why you still require validation from a cheater and liar. Aside from this thread, go back and read your past threads. A reminder to you that you need to work on yourself.
Author KAOJ Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 You're not an idiot. You created a thread some time back inquiring about co-dependency and healing from it. So you know why you allow someone that treated you badly to have access to you. And no, he was not the love of your life. Love has nothing to do with why you still require validation from a cheater and liar. Aside from this thread, go back and read your past threads. A reminder to you that you need to work on yourself. What is my issue? Am I a bad person?
Zahara Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 (edited) What is my issue? Am I a bad person? You're not a bad person. You just have a poor sense of value within yourself and you lack healthy boundaries. I believe in your threads, the guy before this one was toxic as well. Time to focus on yourself and figure out why you are attracting these types and maintaining relationships with them. You mentioned co-dependency. Read up on it and educate yourself. There is a reason why you desire to "be kind" to someone that treated you poorly. It often stems from a result of having poor self-worth -- therefore seeking acceptance/validation from someone that rejected to you. All this has nothing to do with love. There's a deeper issue. Edited June 27, 2017 by Zahara 1
Author KAOJ Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 I want to be kind and good to everyone no matter how they treat me. You are right. I need to do some soul searching and work on myself. 1
Zahara Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I want to be kind and good to everyone no matter how they treat me. You are right. I need to do some soul searching and work on myself. This is co-dependency. You lack boundaries. You do this because you need to feel accepted and validated by others because you do not value yourself. Your value comes from others. So even when they treat you badly, you seek their acceptance wanting to be "nice" and "kind" in hopes they will like/care/love you. Without their validation and acceptance, you feel unworthy. Please block this guy. Do not go to lunch with him. Respect yourself. 2
Author KAOJ Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 Thank you Zahara. Truly. Am I a lost cause? How might I be able to fix myself? 1
Zahara Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Thank you Zahara. Truly. Am I a lost cause? How might I be able to fix myself? You are not a lost cause. Take that out of your mindset. I would suggest you seek a counselor/therapist to help you identify your patterns and behaviors. When you're able to understand why you do it and where it stems from, you'll be able to better manage and cope with how you feel and reverse those unhealthy thought patterns. Go to the library or even on the internet and you'll find a lot of resources on how to cultivate self-esteem. Start doing your homework. I was once where you are -- it took many toxic relationships for me to get to a point where I was exhausted and decided to work on myself. I started with therapy. Made the decision to stay away from relationships and I did for a few years. Started focusing on myself -- doing things that I normally wouldn't do to empower myself whether it was traveling alone, walking into a meetup with a room full of strangers, going back to school, focusing on passions/hobbies I left by the wayside, etc. It's about rebuilding and reinventing yourself. Finding your independence and self-worth through your own accomplishments. Not seeking your value and worth from others. When you feel empowered and your life is content, you won't settle for just anything that comes along. It's because you now have standards and boundaries and you believe you deserve the best. 2
whatnot Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 (edited) What is my issue? Am I a bad person? Thank you Zahara. Truly. Am I a lost cause? How might I be able to fix myself?You are no different KAOJ. Every single human being is flawed. Period. No exceptions. If it makes you feel any better....meet the guy....walk in.....pick up a glass of water....throw it in his face....turn around .... and without saying a word....walk out the door. You will not do this because it would make you feel bad about yourself. (that means there's good in you, you have a measure of self-respect btw) But do not feel bad about yourself...for taking care of yourself. smile You're fine girl. You're just like the rest of us. ps...one *trick* I use? "We're ALL lost causes baby!" (smile) And what's so wrong with that???? (NOT a rhetorical question) Edited June 27, 2017 by whatnot 2
usa1ah Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 KAOJ remember one thing, real men do not hurt the ones they love. I can understand if it was you first love. Have a friend that started dating her first husband when she was 13. He was a couple years older then her. Married out of HS and was pregnant in a couple of years. Here is the thing. He was very abusive to her mentally, I don't know if physically. Well after she gave birth she had a bout with PPD. It caused her to shut down emotionally for about 4 months. She went to her doctor when she realized what was going on and her hormones were out of wack(her word). Anyway, at this time her H has had enough and filled for D because of this. Broke her heart at the time. A couple years later she meets her current H. (Her words) I never knew what real love was until I meet ----------. She absolutely glows when she talks about her new H. It was so different from what she was use to it scared her. She was never watched over and cared for like it before. So, work on yourself and you will find someone that will love you completely. Just be patient. 3
Author KAOJ Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 I thank you all for replying and helping me be a better, more stable person. It really means a lot to me to receive your advice and replies. Truly
Author KAOJ Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 You are no different KAOJ. Every single human being is flawed. Period. No exceptions. If it makes you feel any better....meet the guy....walk in.....pick up a glass of water....throw it in his face....turn around .... and without saying a word....walk out the door. You will not do this because it would make you feel bad about yourself. (that means there's good in you, you have a measure of self-respect btw) But do not feel bad about yourself...for taking care of yourself. smile You're fine girl. You're just like the rest of us. ps...one *trick* I use? "We're ALL lost causes baby!" (smile) And what's so wrong with that???? (NOT a rhetorical question) Lol! I can appreciate this but I could never do that hahaha....but it would be satisfying to do so :love:
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