"If my child were to turn out gay, I'd disown his/her"

[Timshel]

I don't think this thread went off kilter at all. In fact I found it to be very helpful. I feel less anxious thanks in great part to those who commented specifically on the cultural differences between being raised white vs black.

 

I greatly appreciate the perspectives given by everyone who gave thoughtful responses.

 

 

ten characters.....

[bluefeather]

Hey Michelle, sorry you experienced that. Well, I don't want to encourage you to drop this person or anything like that, as you seem to have developed a very strong bond with this person... but there are some things for me that are just deal breakers, and something like that would be one of them.

 

I'm also sorry to say this: I find it odd that this has turned into a discussion about race. It's as if that makes it ok. I don't care what color someone is, if my lover said she would disown my child for making a choice on what sex to love, I'd stop right there, as race is no excuse for homophobia. I would never let the other parent put my child through a feeling of abandonment like that.

 

Though all of this is just my opinion and my preference. You already said that you will not be having children with him, so maybe what he said will not have as much weight. But as someone who wants children, if someone said that to me, my thoughts wouldn't be along the lines of, "is it because they are ___ race?" It would be more along the lines of, "This person basically said they would cause psychological trauma to my child if they were gay." Because that is what disowning would be to someone.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Hey Michelle, sorry you experienced that. Well, I don't want to encourage you to drop this person or anything like that, as you seem to have developed a very strong bond with this person... but there are some things for me that are just deal breakers, and something like that would be one of them.

 

I'm also sorry to say this: I find it odd that this has turned into a discussion about race. It's as if that makes it ok. I don't care what color someone is, if my lover said she would disown my child for making a choice on what sex to love, I'd stop right there, as race is no excuse for homophobia. I would never let the other parent put my child through a feeling of abandonment like that.

 

Though all of this is just my opinion and my preference. You already said that you will not be having children with him, so maybe what he said will not have as much weight. But as someone who wants children, if someone said that to me, my thoughts wouldn't be along the lines of, "is it because they are ___ race?" It would be more along the lines of, "This person basically said they would cause psychological trauma to my child if they were gay." Because that is what disowning would be to someone.

 

Thank you and yes I agree that race isn't or at least shouldn't be an excuse for homophobia. However I think there is something to be said about understanding how men and women are raised in certain cultures.

 

If having children of our own was a very real option, I can't promise that this wouldn't be an absolute deal breaker for me. Saying he 'might' change his mind if/when it's his own child isn't enough nevermind something I'd want to risk after the fact.

 

As it is, in theory has sent me reeling and caused me to bare my soul in such a public forum. To me, it says a lot about ones character.

 

When it comes to children, unconditional love should be the only kind of love practiced by parents. Period.

[bluefeather]

Well whatever happens, I hope that you do discuss it with him and find out what the actual deal is with what he said. If you don't and let it wash over, I have a feeling that sooner or later, you will discover something else about him that will also put you off.

[Timshel]

Yes, so why this long thread regarding race and sexual orientation? What is it that you want beyond what your bf has already said?

 

Which is nothing, again, nothing. I love how all the feminists and liberals are fairly sparking.

 

There isn't any difference. So your bf made an offhand comment that he would never act on and would have the grace to scratch his head and say, ok, never mind when he meets your niece, he certainly would never go to battle over it or post about it.

 

But this has to be a 'thing' a big deal. So break things off with him then, is that what you want to hear?

[bluefeather]

Yes, so why this long thread regarding race and sexual orientation? What is it that you want beyond what your bf has already said?

 

Which is nothing, again, nothing. I love how all the feminists and liberals are fairly sparking.

 

There isn't any difference. So your bf made an offhand comment that he would never act on and would have the grace to scratch his head and say, ok, never mind when he meets your niece, he certainly would never go to battle over it or post about it.

 

But this has to be a 'thing' a big deal. So break things off with him then, is that what you want to hear?

 

 

Feminists and liberals? What are you talking about?

[kendahke]

Could it be that he was just being "blustery"...

 

In black culture (I"m AA), especially in the US-not too sure about the UK, but it seems to be across the board if what Michelle says is any indication, it's not bluster. Aversion to gays/lesbians is in the DNA of a lot of black people, which is crazy given the numbers of gays/lesbians who sit up in church every Sunday.

 

I couldn't care less if my daughter came to me and told me she was in love with another woman as long as that woman treated my daughter well and loved her. But I remember having this conversation with my ex and he was talking about how his middle college aged daughter never went on a date and never had a boyfriend. I told him she might like women and he about lost his dag-gone mind.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yes, so why this long thread regarding race and sexual orientation? What is it that you want beyond what your bf has already said?

 

Which is nothing, again, nothing. I love how all the feminists and liberals are fairly sparking.

 

There isn't any difference. So your bf made an offhand comment that he would never act on and would have the grace to scratch his head and say, ok, never mind when he meets your niece, he certainly would never go to battle over it or post about it.

 

But this has to be a 'thing' a big deal. So break things off with him then, is that what you want to hear?

 

What is your problem exactly?

 

Don't like the the direction of this thread? Then stop checking on it and commenting.

 

I have my reasons for posting. I am satisfied with most of the responses and will take it I from there.

 

I'm not sure who made you the forum police but thanks for your input regardless.

[Gaeta]

Yes, so why this long thread regarding race and sexual orientation? What is it that you want beyond what your bf has already said?

 

Which is nothing, again, nothing. I love how all the feminists and liberals are fairly sparking.

 

There isn't any difference. So your bf made an offhand comment that he would never act on and would have the grace to scratch his head and say, ok, never mind when he meets your niece, he certainly would never go to battle over it or post about it.

 

But this has to be a 'thing' a big deal. So break things off with him then, is that what you want to hear?

 

Wrong thread.

[Gaeta]

 

I'm also sorry to say this: I find it odd that this has turned into a discussion about race. It's as if that makes it ok.

 

The fact he is black does not excuse him of course but understanding why he developped this homophobia will help Michelle understand him and *Understanding* is the first step toward tolerance and respect. Now that she has an understanding where this comes from it will even give her some valuable insight for their future conversations. A good relationship will allow both parties to become better humans beings. She'll rub on him and he'll become more open as he will also rub his best qualities on her.

[smackie9]

For the record I never said he was or would be a bad guy because of his beliefs. Or that anyone is inherently 'bad' necessarily for being homophobic.

 

I am simply concerned how our drastically opposing viewpoints on hot topics can lovingly coexist. Particularly since I am a supporter and advocate of LGBT rights.

Your heart sank......that's enough to convince me that you were thinking he was ....until everyone came to the rescue.

[Michelle ma Belle]

The fact he is black does not excuse him of course but understanding why he developped this homophobia will help Michelle understand him and *Understanding* is the first step toward tolerance and respect. Now that she has an understanding where this comes from it will even give her some valuable insight for their future conversations. A good relationship will allow both parties to become better humans beings. She'll rub on him and he'll become more open as he will also rub his best qualities on her.

 

Amen sista!!

[Michelle ma Belle]

Your heart sank......that's enough to convince me that you were thinking he was ....until everyone came to the rescue.

 

How exactly does this convince you I thought he was a bad person?

 

My heart sank because I love him and didn't want us to be on the opposite side of something that has the potential and the reputation to divide people.

[DKT3]

How exactly does this convince you I thought he was a bad person?

 

My heart sank because I love him and didn't want us to be on the opposite side of something that has the potential and the reputation to divide people.

 

Well, I'm not sure any of us live in Utopia, so for someone to think you can't have that sinking feeling upon learning something new about a partner than I'm thinking it's some who either has a fairy tale idea of people and relationships or pretty inexperienced.

 

Nothing wrong with being disappointed. Clearly doesn't mean you think he is a bad guy, you simply learned something new you didn't know, I'm sure you will adjust figure it's not a deal breaker and move forward...

Edited June 27, 2017 by DKT3

[gaius]

Wrong thread.

Right thread.

 

You know I say stuff that Timshel doesn't particularly agree with, on here especially, but she's never considered breaking up with me over it. Because she loves me. Genuinely. It transcends consternation over her street cred with one group or another. And she's smart enough to know that even though I may not always be the most sensitive guy in word, I'm genuinely good. And wouldn't strive to cause harm just because.

 

You say he's one of the most loving, giving guys you've ever met but you're considering breaking up with him over what he said. Like you somehow can no longer help out or be supportive of gay people if you're dating him. Well of course you can. That's incredibly simple. What's more complex is whether or not you really love this guy and what the root cause of your reaction to this actually is.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Right thread.

 

You know I say stuff that Timshel doesn't particularly agree with, on here especially, but she's never considered breaking up with me over it. Because she loves me. Genuinely. It transcends consternation over her street cred with one group or another. And she's smart enough to know that even though I may not always be the most sensitive guy in word, I'm genuinely good. And wouldn't strive to cause harm just because.

 

You say he's one of the most loving, giving guys you've ever met but you're considering breaking up with him over what he said. Like you somehow can no longer help out or be supportive of gay people if you're dating him. Well of course you can. That's incredibly simple. What's more complex is whether or not you really love this guy and what the root cause of your reaction to this actually is.

 

Exactly.

 

And I came here looking for some perspective knowing that I may be over reacting or that I may have missed the bigger picture and found it thanks, again, to many great posts who took the time to consider my predicament rather than simply put words in my mouth.

 

I mean, isn't the whole purpose of starting a thread to gain some insight? Isn't the hope that we at least consider a different perspective in order to grow from there?

 

Geez.

 

I do love my man very much and want to make it work. I just needed a reality check and I got it.

[Gaeta]

Right thread.

 

You know I say stuff that Timshel doesn't particularly agree with, on here especially, but she's never considered breaking up with me over it. Because she loves me. Genuinely. It transcends consternation over her street cred with one group or another. And she's smart enough to know that even though I may not always be the most sensitive guy in word, I'm genuinely good. And wouldn't strive to cause harm just because.

 

Does she use the same abrasive tone with you that she has been using with Michelle on here? I hope not.

 

Michelle Ma Belle came on here and soon some of us de-dramatized the situation for her and it made her feel better about the whole thing. Happens to the best of us. We face something unexpected, we get all worked up, and we need someone to sit us down and break it down for us. Happened to me during this last xmas when my boyfriend told me he doesn't do *xmas*. I came on here super upset and talking about deal-breakers then left my thread pretty calm down with a new look on things. Michelle's thought has evolved since page one, she does not deam this worthy of a break up. Timshel skipped that and went straight at her throat.

[mortensorchid]

Black people do not like gays AT ALL. It's double hard for them to contend with having discrimination against them for the color of their skin, and then putting another major factor of sexuality into it for them. There are also certain cultural things about black people and sexuality / sexual practices - ex. Black people typically do not give each other oral sex because they think it's gross. It's a cultural thing with them.

 

Keep this in mind when dealing with your bf as well as all black people when it comes to homosexuality. It's not easy being gay to begin with, but this is going to be super hard for your bf to accept or even attempt to accept.