It will hurt both of us but should I tell her to leave.

[TooOldtoLove]

I am a 47 yr. old male who has been divorced for about a year and a half. I began a relationship with a 26 year old woman that I met online almost immediately after my divorce. She has been living with me for nearly a year. My desires and thinking have changed dramatically over the past year and a half. Initially I thought I wanted to get remarried and potentially start a family. Now I believe that I definitely do not want to get married, and do not want to have any more children. My girlfriend has told me that she is in love with me and has stated from the beginning of our relationship that marriage and children are what she wants. I have been completely open and honest about my feelings, and how my desires have changed. I am not in love with my girlfriend, and have told her this, but I care about her, and her well-being.

 

I enjoy her company but feel, and have told her directly, that it may not be in her best interest to continue to stay with me since she will end up being disappointed. I suppose that she is hoping that I will change my mind sometime in the future. Whlen I have discussed this situation with others, most have said that as long as I have been completely honest with her, that it is up to her to decide whether she wants to stay in the relationship or not. At the same time, I believe that emotionally, she may be even younger than her 26 years, and may not be capable of enduring the pain of a break up.

 

Please try to understand the perspective of another culture (which I have), but the reason that I do not want to get married is not because I am not in love. I can actually see getting married to someone that you deeply care for, enjoy the company of, and share a commitment with. I do not want to get married because of my fears of how marriage changes a relationship. Suddenly my gifts to her are no longer gifts, but expected. Suddenly rather her appreciating the fact that I have a great income and lifestyle, she comes to believe she is entitled to it. Suddenly my plans to devote 70% of my growing businesses profits to charity is not my decision alone to make. Perhaps I am selfish but divorce gives you a new perspective on things.

[NYCmitch25]

What a seriously disingenuous thread; the "it will hurt us BOTH" bit is a touching finish to cap off a larger piece of garbage.

 

I'm glad you think so highly of yourself that you are willing to drag this gal though the dirt such that she can have the "privilege" of being with you -- how nice. I'm sure you were also thinking of her feelings when you jumped from your ex wife and x-years of marriage to this 25 year old piece of eye candy to fulfill your mid-life crisis issues? I like how now you make it "apparent" to her that you guys are going to be an exclusive pair-bond, have sex, live together, feel love, and share each other's time (you know, normal couples stuff that leads to marriage) but then thinly warn her that you can't commit because you are "scared". But I guess it's about you isn't it, the cars the money, the lack of commitment -- and your feelings, and that you cease to be in "love"? Perhaps you should use some of that money to get a good therapist. you certainly need one.

[TooOldtoLove]

You have no idea why my marriage ended. You have no idea what my girlfriend looks like. To assume the things you assume seems more to me to indicate a projection of your yourself than anything else

[shamen]

Hi TooOldtoLove,

 

Sounds to me like you should probably break up with the girl. Yes, theoretically, it is her decision because you've told her where you stand, but it's obvious that you two do not want the same things.

 

It's probably in her best interests if you let her go. She wants marriage and kids, you do not. Maybe she is thinking that you will change your mind, in which case, again, you should probably move on. And let her do the same so that she can have the possibility of having what she desires.

 

OTOH, maybe you should clarify to her again that marriage is not what you want. If she can handle that, and you're not going to change your mind, then it's all right to stay together. Do you want to continue the relationship without marriage? You two live together, can you continue to handle that?

 

Oh, and don't worry about her being emotionally ready to deal with the break up... she's probably stronger than you think. I'd rather be broken up with than stay in a relationship that has no chance of going where I'd like it to...