Allregrets Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 (edited) You can read my long story, but succinctly I had a 10 month A with a co-worker and came clean in Dec - and my BW is not okay. She's so hurt and devastated over my actions and I just simply want to crawl into a hole and disappear. In the beginning of our R she was okay and I worked so hard to prove myself to her again. I am doing the work but she is not healing. She is the most caring and wonderful mother to our children and I simply took her for granted. She has good days and bad days, but when I'm away for travel she goes to a really dark depressing place. She calls more often now crying, sad, devastated over my behavior for most of my actions in 2016. I cried today at work after talking to her on the phone. It was so bad that my co-worker had to close the door so no one would hear. It's so awful. Then today in Boston at the very hotel where maybe 40-50% of my affair took place, I saw the unthinkable. Maybe it was only unthinkable in my eyes, but once you are in that environment (of the A) everything is so easy to discern. A man, in the same capacity of me, who works for the same company is getting on the bus back to the airport, ring on finger mind you, kissing his young, tan much younger girlfriend (no ring) and in civilian clothes (big red flag) before he sails away back to wherever he is supposed to go. I read them both like a book; mirror image of myself in the halcyon warm summer days of 2016. They were so giddy, kissing a hundred times before he left his mistress to return to his family. What an ******* (pardon my French). I gave them both such a meanacing stare, more him of course and it took every ounce of energy not to walk on that bus and chew the guy out. Oh I had visions and questions for him.. "Does your wife know? How about your kids? How can you be so careless and stupid?" They looked so happy, and he looked so confident (that's because she's boosting his ego with sex and who knows what). It too will come crashing down. Let them eat cake, as their wake is coming... It sickens me when I see a former reflection of myself doing the unthinkable. Godspeed you two... Tonight I am angry and sad.. Edited June 26, 2017 by Allregrets
Just a Guy Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Hi All regrets, guess you're in a sad, bad place right now. I wanted to ask what made you confess if everything about your affair was Sunshine and Roses? Did your wife start suspecting you or did your AP issue an ultimatum?. Possibly, guilt about the affair could have overwhelmed you and at the same time your AP may have become more demanding of your time and attention. Whatever the reason for your confession it is obvious that your wife has taken it very badly. In this situation I would think that you may like to offer her an equitable divorce with custody of your children and visitation rights for yourself. If six months in she has'nt been able to start to come to terms with your affair then reconciliation does not look too good. The thing is that once the pain starts lifting for your wife she may start to get angry and will then start detaching from you, eventually leading to her be coming cold and distant. She could then file for divorce herself. On the other hand have you and she been attending IC? If so then what has been the progress on both sides? IC for both of you would be a prerequisite for MC which would be the next logical step. Six months may as yet be too short a period of time for raw feelings to subside and if you are doing the hard work necessary to heal your marriage and show your wife that you truly live her and are committed to her, then maybe the heaviness in her heart may start to lift and she may come out of the depressing place that she finds herself in. The wind could blow either way, in your favour or away from you. Just be prepared for either eventuality. Warm wishes. 1
elaine567 Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Maybe you should consider changing jobs. You, travelling away for work, staying in hotels and possibly frequenting bars and meeting women... will be a huge trigger for her.
salparadise Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 I wanted to ask what made you confess... [...] Whatever the reason for your confession it is obvious that your wife has taken it very badly. In this situation I would think that you may like to offer her an equitable divorce with custody of your children... See, this is a classic example of why confession may not always be the right thing. If OP had chosen to work through his guilt and shame with a therapist instead, his wife wouldn't have to be devastated. While it's certainly true that carrying the secret alone would be a burden, and would have to be at the cost of absolute authenticity, unburdening didn't unburden, and full disclosure wasn't cathartic and didn't result in resolution. It only devastated an innocent person who did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve this misery. Yea yea, I know the arguments, such as the truth is always best, she deserves know and make an informed decision, etc. But sometimes absolutism is merely a notion with no practical value. Life is messy, and morality is not simple or easy. 3
cocorico Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 I wanted to ask what made you confess if everything about your affair was Sunshine and Roses? It wasn't. Back story is here (warning: its long) But basically OP admitted an A (his BW had suspected previously, he'd denied. He finally came clean after she asked again - because things had fallen apart so much. 2
donbar Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 (edited) See, this is a classic example of why confession may not always be the right thing. If OP had chosen to work through his guilt and shame with a therapist instead, his wife wouldn't have to be devastated. While it's certainly true that carrying the secret alone would be a burden, and would have to be at the cost of absolute authenticity, unburdening didn't unburden, and full disclosure wasn't cathartic and didn't result in resolution. It only devastated an innocent person who did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve this misery. Yea yea, I know the arguments, such as the truth is always best, she deserves know and make an informed decision, etc. But sometimes absolutism is merely a notion with no practical value. Life is messy, and morality is not simple or easy. I totally agree with this.. unfortunately it's too late for Allregrets. I have no solution but I wish you the best. It's heartbreaking.. Counseling is a must. IC and MC I would imagine. Maybe set a deadline for considering filing for D? I know you don't want that. Wish I could help... Edited June 26, 2017 by donbar 1
donbar Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 On a side note, Allregrets has another 13 posts to make before he can send and receive private messages. For me, that was the biggest help on here. 1
donbar Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Maybe you should consider changing jobs. You, travelling away for work, staying in hotels and possibly frequenting bars and meeting women... will be a huge trigger for her. Unfortunately for Allregrets that would also cause a massive loss of income, a terrible quality of life and even more stresses.. 1
elaine567 Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Unfortunately for Allregrets that would also cause a massive loss of income, a terrible quality of life and even more stresses.. Oh dear. So his innocent betrayed wife will just have to put up with her terrible quality of life and her horrible stress instead... 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Allregrets... It has only been 6 months for healing....and it takes 2-5 years minimum. Your wife is still trying to process everything. You both should be in therapy....and reading books to help you move forward. I know it is frustrating....we just want it to be over....but unfortunately...it really takes time....time and love. You can do this...keep supporting her...keep showing her that you love her....keep trying to make her feel safe. Dont give up....keep working on making yourself a better person....understanding how you allowed yourself to cheat in the first place. Best of luck to you. 4
mercy Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Tonight I am angry and sad.. And today is a new day! Be mindful of who you are today. You're a new man. You're going to feel those uncomfortable feelings, shame, regret, sorrow so feel them, allow them to wash over you then release them and see who you are today. We learn from yesterdays mistakes, then we take that knowledge and do better. Your wife is grieving just be there for her. Let the beauty of what you love be what you do. Rumi 2
somuchfortheone Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 You can read my long story, but succinctly I had a 10 month A with a co-worker and came clean in Dec - and my BW is not okay. She's so hurt and devastated over my actions and I just simply want to crawl into a hole and disappear. In the beginning of our R she was okay and I worked so hard to prove myself to her again. I am doing the work but she is not healing. She is the most caring and wonderful mother to our children and I simply took her for granted. She has good days and bad days, but when I'm away for travel she goes to a really dark depressing place. She calls more often now crying, sad, devastated over my behavior for most of my actions in 2016. I cried today at work after talking to her on the phone. It was so bad that my co-worker had to close the door so no one would hear. It's so awful. Then today in Boston at the very hotel where maybe 40-50% of my affair took place, I saw the unthinkable. Maybe it was only unthinkable in my eyes, but once you are in that environment (of the A) everything is so easy to discern. A man, in the same capacity of me, who works for the same company is getting on the bus back to the airport, ring on finger mind you, kissing his young, tan much younger girlfriend (no ring) and in civilian clothes (big red flag) before he sails away back to wherever he is supposed to go. I read them both like a book; mirror image of myself in the halcyon warm summer days of 2016. They were so giddy, kissing a hundred times before he left his mistress to return to his family. What an ******* (pardon my French). I gave them both such a meanacing stare, more him of course and it took every ounce of energy not to walk on that bus and chew the guy out. Oh I had visions and questions for him.. "Does your wife know? How about your kids? How can you be so careless and stupid?" They looked so happy, and he looked so confident (that's because she's boosting his ego with sex and who knows what). It too will come crashing down. Let them eat cake, as their wake is coming... It sickens me when I see a former reflection of myself doing the unthinkable. Godspeed you two... Tonight I am angry and sad.. Can I ask you ...what was it that woke you up from your fog? it sounds like you (like the couple you mentioned seeing) felt on top of the world for a while...and now you are so sober...what sparked that change in mentality?
mercy Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Can I ask you ...what was it that woke you up from your fog? it sounds like you (like the couple you mentioned seeing) felt on top of the world for a while...and now you are so sober...what sparked that change in mentality? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/621446-never-again 1
wmacbride Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 op, I commend you for trying so hard. I expect it's been a difficult time for you. I can understand your hope for your wife to heal and also your confusion about how best help her. I can't say for sure what will be the most helpful to her, but I do think that if you are struggling, it's perfectly fine, and even a great idea, to ask her how she's doing and what she needs from you. It will show her you care, while at the same time, giving you clues about what steps to take to support her. What a lot of ws may forget is that they have had all the time in the world to wrap their mind around the A. The bs has not. As it stand right now, she may well need comfort form you, but the problem is you are also the person who hurt her. It's a real paradox. She may not feel safe in completely opening up to you right now. It's a fundamental act of trust to be that vulnerable,and right now, she likely doesn't trust you. I know that sounds like a terrible situation, but with some patience on your part, it will improve. Right now, one important thing you can do for her is to show her, through actions, that she can trust you again. Each time you do so, even if it's just through a small act, those acts build up. One day, she'll find herself not feeling this need to check up, and that will be a great day for both of you. It can't be forced though. It has to happen on its own. Also, I know that you love your wife and want her to feel better. It's going to take time, but in the end, it can really be worth it. As I said above, it will come through day to day small acts of kindness on your part. Be kind to your wife, be kind to yourself and keep moving forward. 2
Ahurtgirl Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 I can imagine what your wife is going through every time you travel for work. She feels that you are not able to prove to her that you aren't still cheating on her while you are away. She goes through anxiety of the unknown whereabouts... she is thinking to herself that at any given moment, you could be having intimate times with another woman while she is at home fearing the worst. You are literally breaking her heart every time you are traveling. If you really want to save your marriage, you need to no longer travel for your job or she needs to be going with on all of your business trips. That is the only way to help her heal. 3
wmacbride Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 I can imagine what your wife is going through every time you travel for work. She feels that you are not able to prove to her that you aren't still cheating on her while you are away. She goes through anxiety of the unknown whereabouts... she is thinking to herself that at any given moment, you could be having intimate times with another woman while she is at home fearing the worst. You are literally breaking her heart every time you are traveling. If you really want to save your marriage, you need to no longer travel for your job or she needs to be going with on all of your business trips. That is the only way to help her heal. I can totally understand this rationale, and your logic is certainly sound. The problem is that emotions don't always follow logic. Sometimes a spouse can't just change jobs, and it's not always possible for a bs to travel along on business trips. The op didn't cheat because of his job, although it might have made it easier, it wasn't the cause. The op cheated because of himself, and probably would have not mattered what the job was. I've been the bs who's spouse couldn't just quit his job, and in the end, it didn't matter. He had to be in a place in his mind were cheating wasn't even an option. Once he reached that point, where he worked didn't matter. This is all part and parcel of reconciling, and what it looks like is different for different couples. His wife might want him to quit his job, and if that's what she needs to feel safe, he'll need to address that. The job might not be that big of an issue fr her, or he might not be able to quit. If that's the case, they'll have to move forward from that point. 2
donbar Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 I can totally understand this rationale, and your logic is certainly sound. The problem is that emotions don't always follow logic. Sometimes a spouse can't just change jobs, and it's not always possible for a bs to travel along on business trips. The op didn't cheat because of his job, although it might have made it easier, it wasn't the cause. The op cheated because of himself, and probably would have not mattered what the job was. I've been the bs who's spouse couldn't just quit his job, and in the end, it didn't matter. He had to be in a place in his mind were cheating wasn't even an option. Once he reached that point, where he worked didn't matter. This is all part and parcel of reconciling, and what it looks like is different for different couples. His wife might want him to quit his job, and if that's what she needs to feel safe, he'll need to address that. The job might not be that big of an issue fr her, or he might not be able to quit. If that's the case, they'll have to move forward from that point. This is spot on.. 1
donbar Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Just to add that there is a very good chance that quitting the job would necessitate selling the house, selling the cars, down sizing, taking kids out of private schools, no more pampering at the salon, nails, hair, dogs getting the best treatment, eating out regularly.. if you read the original thread it's pretty clear this could be the case. In some cases actually quitting the job and stopping this level of income could well have extremely negative consequences.. Wmacbride nailed it. Well done.. 1
wmacbride Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Just to add that there is a very good chance that quitting the job would necessitate selling the house, selling the cars, down sizing, taking kids out of private schools, no more pampering at the salon, nails, hair, dogs getting the best treatment, eating out regularly.. if you read the original thread it's pretty clear this could be the case. In some cases actually quitting the job and stopping this level of income could well have extremely negative consequences.. Wmacbride nailed it. Well done.. In an ideal world, changing jobs would be a given. Unfortunately, it's not ideal. I can completely understand a bs wanting their ws to quit his or her job, especially f they work with their om/om. The thing is that if a person is going to be faithful, it won't matter where they work. If the only reason my spouse wasn't cheating was because he wasn't around the ow anymore, what's the point in reconciling anyway? 2
Author Allregrets Posted June 26, 2017 Author Posted June 26, 2017 Hi All regrets, guess you're in a sad, bad place right now. I wanted to ask what made you confess if everything about your affair was Sunshine and Roses? Did your wife start suspecting you or did your AP issue an ultimatum?. Possibly, guilt about the affair could have overwhelmed you and at the same time your AP may have become more demanding of your time and attention. Whatever the reason for your confession it is obvious that your wife has taken it very badly. In this situation I would think that you may like to offer her an equitable divorce with custody of your children and visitation rights for yourself. If six months in she has'nt been able to start to come to terms with your affair then reconciliation does not look too good. The thing is that once the pain starts lifting for your wife she may start to get angry and will then start detaching from you, eventually leading to her be coming cold and distant. She could then file for divorce herself. On the other hand have you and she been attending IC? If so then what has been the progress on both sides? IC for both of you would be a prerequisite for MC which would be the next logical step. Six months may as yet be too short a period of time for raw feelings to subside and if you are doing the hard work necessary to heal your marriage and show your wife that you truly live her and are committed to her, then maybe the heaviness in her heart may start to lift and she may come out of the depressing place that she finds herself in. The wind could blow either way, in your favour or away from you. Just be prepared for either eventuality. Warm wishes. She could file, yes, but she wont, as she doesn't want to, nor do I. She wants us to be a family and continue marching forward. However, she's in pain and I was in IC earlier this year but we never did any MC. She is begging for us to go. I need to move forward with that and help her recover. She tells me she loves me and we are still very close but I have done the harm. It's good and bad days, more good lately but occasionally there are triggers and she cries in pain. I am there for her and will guide her through this time as much as I can. We have been vacationing quite a bit, with more to come this week so I will really focus on our family and make her feel loved. I love my children and my wife. I don't want them to live in a broken home. 2
Zona Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 (edited) [] The OP did the right thing, and hopefully he can gain back the trust of his wife the right way. Edited June 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Off topic comments redacted and member moderated
Author Allregrets Posted June 26, 2017 Author Posted June 26, 2017 Maybe you should consider changing jobs. You, travelling away for work, staying in hotels and possibly frequenting bars and meeting women... will be a huge trigger for her. Unfortunately I cannot change jobs. Not that easy and I will never replace the loss of income or QOL I and my family have in my capacity. Never. While I stay in hotels (with bars) I do not frequent them (bars) as I am not the person who hangs out at the hotel to frequent said bars.
Author Allregrets Posted June 26, 2017 Author Posted June 26, 2017 See, this is a classic example of why confession may not always be the right thing. If OP had chosen to work through his guilt and shame with a therapist instead, his wife wouldn't have to be devastated. While it's certainly true that carrying the secret alone would be a burden, and would have to be at the cost of absolute authenticity, unburdening didn't unburden, and full disclosure wasn't cathartic and didn't result in resolution. It only devastated an innocent person who did nothing wrong and doesn't deserve this misery. Yea yea, I know the arguments, such as the truth is always best, she deserves know and make an informed decision, etc. But sometimes absolutism is merely a notion with no practical value. Life is messy, and morality is not simple or easy. I needed to tell her. She needed to know, as the guilt was eating me alive.
Overtaxed Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Unfortunately I cannot change jobs. Not that easy and I will never replace the loss of income or QOL I and my family have in my capacity. Never. While I stay in hotels (with bars) I do not frequent them (bars) as I am not the person who hangs out at the hotel to frequent said bars. My W and I both travel a lot for work. It's become a lot harder after the A, especially since she has to travel to where the OM lives occasionally. What helps? A lot of communication. TXT messages, phone calls, e-mails. But really, it's about transparency. If I thought she was hiding something, I'd never be able to deal with it. When she traveled before I'd gotten the "full truth" of the A, it was AWFUL, I was ready to D the moment she walked out the door until she got back. Now that she's given me the real story (or as real as I'm likely to ever get), the feelings are much more subdued. But the person you love, lying to your face, then getting on a plane to go somewhere with no oversight or supervision, especially if that played any part in the A, that was a cross that I could not bear. So, I guess my recommendations are 2 fold, make sure you've disclosed exactly what the other person has asked and laid bare anything they are worried/concerned about. And be transparent when you travel. Install tracking software on your own phone if you think it'll help. Call often. Facetime/video chat so the BS can see you are where you say you are. It's an awesome opportunity to rebuild trust, make sure you use it for that and to reestablish that bond with the other person even when they aren't there. I honestly think the travel helps us as now, as painful as it is to be apart, because we can both spend that time to make sure the other person knows how important they are; there's nothing better than your spouse working like a slave while traveling and getting a TXT that says "I miss you", because, with so many things to distract him/her, it feels a lot more authentic that you pop to top of mind. Use it to build, use it to establish a bond, and make sure you have transparency, whatever that means to you both. Quick edit: Hotel bars are for sex. Of course you should stay out of them! And keep that up, room service is a gift from the heavens for a spouse who's away from their H/W. Use it, stay away from situations that can escalate, and NEVER drink when you travel. 2
Author Allregrets Posted June 26, 2017 Author Posted June 26, 2017 Can I ask you ...what was it that woke you up from your fog? it sounds like you (like the couple you mentioned seeing) felt on top of the world for a while...and now you are so sober...what sparked that change in mentality? For starters, the A was crumbling quickly because I couldn't live with the guilt anymore. I read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass over the Holidays and that book was part of my decision aid. I began to look deep inside to internalize why I looked outside my marriage: Insecurity and self absorption, fueled by my A "ego kibbles". What I really needed was to be happy internally and I wasn't. Now that I am, I look back at a person I cannot believe I was. I am working on compassion, integrity and ultimately love. I saw what would happen if I split up my family; my poor children suffering, my beautiful and loving wife so hurt from my actions. I just couldn't go on anymore - and I was ready to leave a ten year marriage for a woman I vaguely knew for about ten months! It would have never worked out in the end.
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