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Boyfriend's mother - unsure how to deal with her anymore

fifi22

By fifi22
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fifi22 New Member

fifi22

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hey all :)

 

I apologise in advance for a very long message, but I'd really really appreciate some input from others dealing with a difficult mother "in law".

 

Me and my partner have been together for 6 years, late 20s and have lived abroad for a few years now. Not married and no children.

 

I honestly love his family and enjoy being with them. His mother, for the most part, has always been very nice to me but has crossed the line with me on many occasions (incidents which most people would not put up with)...but I've brushed it off to keep the peace. Who wants drama?

 

So in Jan, I was told by my partner that she was organising a strictly family only birthday trip for just her and her 4 kids. I thought it sounded lovely and didn't think much more of it.

 

Fast forward 2 months and my partner told me that she was driving him nuts because she could not decide whether to invite her boyfriend of one year on the trip (she doesn't even live with him) and to be honest, this struck a chord with me.

 

Now, none of my partner's siblings have serious relationships (they're all much younger) so I am the only "in law" so to speak! But I felt really, really offended that she didn't even invite me considering that I live with her son and I've been in her life for a long time. I just felt so excluded, you know?

She has done many offensive things over the years and this was the cherry on the cake, so I told my partner that I was both angry and upset that I wasn't even included. I'd had enough. But he said nothing and did nothing which added insult to injury.

 

So they've all been on their holiday now and I've not changed my feelings in the slightest. She knows that something is wrong because I didn't go on the last trip with my partner to visit them. So to get it off my chest I decided to write her a heart-felt email. Everything I wrote was purely from the heart - I said I loved them all but she hurt me, and that she's hurt me in the past but I've ignored it so as to keep a good relationship. I said that I want to fix it. Sometimes, you just need to get it off your chest...

 

How'd she respond? She's completely ignored it. No acknowledgment, not even a shred of effort made on her part. All those years of living near her and bending over backwards to please her just felt like a kick in the gutts to be honest. I know that she's received it and I also know that she knows that she has done something bad, because she never once mentioned her trip plans to me (and she's the type to brag about it).

 

Now my partner himself has called her some derogatory names over the years and even admitted to me that one of the reasons that his ex-girlfriend broke up was because of his mother. His ex by all accounts called her out on her behavior from the start - something I am starting to wish that I'd done. Yet, he has done absolutely nothing and becomes absolutely defensive when I bring it up. Does he not see the common denominator here? That she's the problem?

 

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's causing friction between me and my partner, and I hate feeling this way but it is so unhealthy to just keep it inside.

 

Do I email her again? Is it right that I should be so accepting of my partner's total lack of interest in how his mother is being? If my parents ever did anything of this nature to him, I'd say something but that's me.

 

Any advice guys please? :(

 

Thanks in advance

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory language
mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

Posted
Posted

It's your partner's mother. You should tell him your issue and he should be the one be to deal with it unless he gives you a free pass.

 

She likely wanted to celebrate only with her kids. Nothing wrong in it.

 

You are over reacting and sound quite immature.

  • Like 1
coolheadal Established Member

coolheadal

Posted
Posted (edited)
Hey all :)

 

I apologise in advance for a very long message, but I'd really really appreciate some input from others dealing with a difficult mother "in law".

 

Me and my partner have been together for 6 years, late 20s and have lived abroad for a few years now. Not married and no children.

 

I honestly love his family and enjoy being with them. His mother, for the most part, has always been very nice to me but has crossed the line with me on many occasions (incidents which most people would not put up with)...but I've brushed it off to keep the peace. Who wants drama?

 

So in Jan, I was told by my partner that she was organising a strictly family only birthday trip for just her and her 4 kids. I thought it sounded lovely and didn't think much more of it.

 

Fast forward 2 months and my partner told me that she was driving him nuts because she could not decide whether to invite her boyfriend of one year on the trip (she doesn't even live with him) and to be honest, this struck a chord with me.

 

Now, none of my partner's siblings have serious relationships (they're all much younger) so I am the only "in law" so to speak! But I felt really, really offended that she didn't even invite me considering that I live with her son and I've been in her life for a long time. I just felt so excluded, you know?

She has done many offensive things over the years and this was the cherry on the cake, so I told my partner that I was both angry and upset that I wasn't even included. I'd had enough. But he said nothing and did nothing which added insult to injury.

 

So they've all been on their holiday now and I've not changed my feelings in the slightest. She knows that something is wrong because I didn't go on the last trip with my partner to visit them. So to get it off my chest I decided to write her a heart-felt email. Everything I wrote was purely from the heart - I said I loved them all but she hurt me, and that she's hurt me in the past but I've ignored it so as to keep a good relationship. I said that I want to fix it. Sometimes, you just need to get it off your chest...

 

How'd she respond? She's completely ignored it. No acknowledgment, not even a shred of effort made on her part. All those years of living near her and bending over backwards to please her just felt like a kick in the gutts to be honest. I know that she's received it and I also know that she knows that she has done something bad, because she never once mentioned her trip plans to me (and she's the type to brag about it).

 

Now my partner himself has called her some derogatory names over the years and even admitted to me that one of the reasons that his ex-girlfriend broke up was because of his mother. His ex by all accounts called her out on her behavior from the start - something I am starting to wish that I'd done. Yet, he has done absolutely nothing and becomes absolutely defensive when I bring it up. Does he not see the common denominator here? That she's the problem?

 

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's causing friction between me and my partner, and I hate feeling this way but it is so unhealthy to just keep it inside.

 

Do I email her again? Is it right that I should be so accepting of my partner's total lack of interest in how his mother is being? If my parents ever did anything of this nature to him, I'd say something but that's me.

 

Any advice guys please? :(

 

Thanks in advance

 

I going to say this once my dear you need to not get involved with his mother in any way. That's his mother, your his girl friend. She brought him into this world so he's going to be 100% loyal to his mom. He can only be loyal to you when his mom isn't the issue. It's hard for you to cope with this but she's not your mom and if that was your mom you know how to fix that right away. This family might not even want you around. He has chosen his mom over you. This is something you need to understand. Back out and go on your own business. If he said something about this just don't say anything else. What you can say is listen I am not having this issue with your mom and i just not going to be a part of your life anymore if you do not do something and man up to the problem. When you can be a man you let me know otherwise I am done with you and your entire family including your mom! Goodbye!

Edited by coolheadal
  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

No. Now you have all the reason you need to refuse to interact with them or have her over or anything. Let your man deal with THAT, the big mama's boy.

 

Seriously, now you do NOTHING. The only way he will have to take a stand is if you refuse to work on it or communicate with her or include her or do holidays with her or anything. Don't let him make you the fall guy. This is his job. If he doesn't care enough to tell her to straighten up, then great, you don't have to be around her.

  • Like 2
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

Your bf should have been the one to stand up to his mom about you not being included. Maybe he wanted to be away from you for a while. A lot of guys wouldn't have went. That is her family, no yours, and you should have let him handle her. You aren't even a daughter in law yet.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

I understand that she's done things to upset you in the past, but this incident of her going away with her children was not worth getting upset over. I also believe that emailing her was a really poor move. She's doing the right thing by not responding.

 

If you have an issue with her, take it up with your partner. If he supports you, let him deal with it. If he doesn't agree with you and you're passionate about the issue, then attach a red flag to it store it up in your "stay or go" compartment.

  • Like 1
Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

Posted
Posted

I can see a like how you're hurt but the realization is, you're not family until you're family, there's no "kind of". His mom wants to spend her birthday with her kids & there's nothing wrong with that. It's her birthday & her trip...now if any other siblings gf or bf we're going, then you could be upset. Even when a couple is married doesn't mean absolutely every invite for everything will include their spouse.

 

I'm married & I I've gone places with my parents & siblings without our spouses. Something it's nice to have a trip with just your original immediate family.

 

I'd let this one go if I were you...her kids are getting older & it may be her last trip with just her kids. Leave it alone & move on.

  • Like 1
darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

Posted
Posted

tread carefully, give her no ammo, nothing to complain of, just stay laid-back, this is her pantomime

 

do not rise to her bait, and I know a bad nother-ln-law, so I know what I am talking of

Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
Posted (edited)

A man can only have one mother in his life, while he generally has had many women in his life.

 

A man can pick his woman, but he can't pick his mother. She gave birth to him and raised to for 18 good long years.

 

I don't understand how any woman would ask her partner to choose her over his mother.

 

The incident you mentioned, I don't see how seriously wrong his mother is.

Edited by Springsummer
CC12 Established Member

CC12

Posted
Posted

Maybe it would help if you added some additional background so we could understand your position a bit better.

 

This probably wasn't the best time to decide to stand up to her. I don't see that not inviting you on the trip was wrong. And it's hard to say your boyfriend was wrong in this case for not trying to mediate, because he couldn't exactly demand that you be invited. He could have chosen not to go, but I wouldn't expect that out of him.

 

Out of curiosity, what kind of response would you have liked from your letter?

  • Like 1
Maggie4 Established Member

Maggie4

Posted
Posted

From what you've described, it sounds like you are unhappy because you want to be more involved in her life but she's not interested. Think about what it is you want. Why not leave each other alone? You don't live together anyway. This is not that one big happy family you've been searching for. Forget it! Spend time with your own Mom (if available), and just have your relationship with your boyfriend. And the ex? Don't go there. You only know what he chose to say.

  • Author
fifi22 New Member

fifi22

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Hey all,

 

Thanks for the replies, but I have to disagree that I am being immature. It isn't so black and white unfortunately, and just to put it into perspective - had I have done any of the offensive things that she has done in the past then she would have been very upset. She's a neurotic and irrational person and I am not the only one to call her this. My partner has called her a b**** on many occasions but now I actually see why.

 

This is a woman who one minute calls me family and is all over me, and then the next minute kicked me out of her house when I had no where else to go because "you are not my daughter and I do not have to pay for you". Yes, true, but again if I had been so hurtful to her she wouldn't speak to me again. I cooked, cleaned and did everything I could to not be under her feet. This was after I had to listen to her moan and moan about how bad her husband was and trying to make me take sides against her husband (who I really like, actually). She even banned me from driving her car because I stalled it - no exaggeration. Oh, and she didn't even tell me she'd banned me - she got my partner to tell me. How mature. She's made underhanded comments in front of me, etc etc. Sorry but I am really regretting putting up with any of this because of how one-sided it is. But I thought it was the easiest thing to do - turned out I was wrong.

 

The letter that I wrote to her basically said how much I loved her and valued our relationship, but she hurt me and has hurt me in the past. I said I want to fix things but am sad that she can't see why she's hurt me. So do you think it is completely rational to ignore your sonss girlfriend when she's reaching out to you? There is not one offensive thing in that letter and I spent a long time writing. I think, that she is being really horrid to be honest and even if she doesn't agree with me, the least she could do is say "look, sorry, but I don't agree".

 

As for my partner, I feel that he should have dealt with it and I don't know what to do with him to be honest. He should have dealt with it because like she told me - she's not my mother. But if he won't say anything then I am forced to. It's not a situation of "it's me or her" at all. He should defend his partner!

 

It's really not so black and white. Would you let something like this go? Really? I cannot be the only person who gets fed up with their partner's mother/father/whoever after so long?

Edited by fifi22
mikeylo Established Member

mikeylo

Posted
Posted

Your partner calls his mother a b****? Really ?

 

Move on.

  • Like 2
Whoknew30 Established Member

Whoknew30

Posted
Posted
Hey all,

 

Thanks for the replies, but I have to disagree that I am being immature. It isn't so black and white unfortunately, and just to put it into perspective - had I have done any of the offensive things that she has done in the past then she would have been very upset. She's a neurotic and irrational person and I am not the only one to call her this. My partner has called her a b**** on many occasions but now I actually see why.

 

This is a woman who one minute calls me family and is all over me, and then the next minute kicked me out of her house when I had no where else to go because "you are not my daughter and I do not have to pay for you". Yes, true, but again if I had been so hurtful to her she wouldn't speak to me again. I cooked, cleaned and did everything I could to not be under her feet. This was after I had to listen to her moan and moan about how bad her husband was and trying to make me take sides against her husband (who I really like, actually). She even banned me from driving her car because I stalled it - no exaggeration. Oh, and she didn't even tell me she'd banned me - she got my partner to tell me. How mature. She's made underhanded comments in front of me, etc etc. Sorry but I am really regretting putting up with any of this because of how one-sided it is. But I thought it was the easiest thing to do - turned out I was wrong.

 

The letter that I wrote to her basically said how much I loved her and valued our relationship, but she hurt me and has hurt me in the past. I said I want to fix things but am sad that she can't see why she's hurt me. So do you think it is completely rational to ignore your sonss girlfriend when she's reaching out to you? There is not one offensive thing in that letter and I spent a long time writing. I think, that she is being really horrid to be honest and even if she doesn't agree with me, the least she could do is say "look, sorry, but I don't agree".

 

As for my partner, I feel that he should have dealt with it and I don't know what to do with him to be honest. He should have dealt with it because like she told me - she's not my mother. But if he won't say anything then I am forced to. It's not a situation of "it's me or her" at all. He should defend his partner!

 

It's really not so black and white. Would you let something like this go? Really? I cannot be the only person who gets fed up with their partner's mother/father/whoever after so long?

 

How old are you?

 

Look, she may be a little "off" but you're not married to her son (as of yet) you don't have her grandchildren...she owes you nothing, let you live with "her" & drive "her" car & you're complaining you is to listen to her & she banned you bc you screwed her car up...you're not only behaving immaturely but you're also ungrateful.

 

Even if you got a rough adult start (as I don't know your situation) it's unfortunately your problem & yours alone, it's called being a grown up. Even your bf doesn't "owe" you a place to live or a car to drive.

 

IMO, you sound like you have a lot of growing up to do & anyone that has been 100% on their own in life is not going to agree with your logic. You don't want to deal with this lady, then don't take from her., it's as simple as that..all the cleaning in the world doesn't pay off someone helping you & you being ungrateful.

 

Good luck to you

  • Like 1
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fifi22 New Member

fifi22

Posted
  • Author
Posted

...I heavily suspect that this forum is plentiful with battleaxe "mother-in-laws" who can give it but wouldn't be able to take it.

 

As for my age - I'm old enough to have taken crap for a good six years but apparently need to grow up when I put my foot down.

 

Completely nonsensical.

knabe Established Member

knabe

Posted
Posted

Based on your attitude, if your BF were here I would tell him to run for his life.

 

And I am not a mother in law.

mercy Established Member

mercy

Posted
Posted

 

And I am not a mother in law.

 

So, you're not denying being a battleaxe? :p

 

OP, I think after six years all of you need time apart.

  • Like 1
Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
Posted

If I were this 'mother in law'. I would be pretty fed up.

 

Not only she has to deal with a grown up son, but also provide for and deal with a grown up son's gf?

Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

Posted
Posted

Basically OP wants the woman to treat her as her daughter, but the woman doesn't, so OP got upset.

CC12 Established Member

CC12

Posted
Posted

I really thought that you would come back and tell us about some really horrible stuff she's done to you and then a lot of your reactions would make more sense.

 

But these "offensive" things she's done amount to not letting you live in her house, and not letting you drive her car. And complaining about her ex-husband, which I don't even know how or why that offended you so much or why it was even worth including here. There are a few things I can't understand why you're offended about. Who cares that she didn't tell you herself that you weren't allowed to drive her car anymore?

 

Look, just because you are hurt by someone doesn't mean they are wrong. She was completely justified in not letting you live there or drive her car or bring you on their vacation. The major points you have complained about here amount to you wanting things that she has, and you being upset that she hasn't given them to you. You are not entitled to those things. How can you expect your boyfriend to confront her about these things when his mother isn't wrong?

 

Now, her underhanded comments, maybe that's something he can help you with.

 

So do you think it is completely rational to ignore your sonss girlfriend when she's reaching out to you?

 

I think it's pretty cold that she ignored your letter, but maybe it was the most rational thing for her to do. After all, you did call us a forum full of "battleaxe "mother-in-laws" who can give it but wouldn't be able to take it" because we weren't validating you, so maybe you're not the easiest person to deal with IRL.

 

To give you some perspective, try reading this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/625580-my-mother-law-doing-my-head The OP of that thread truly has a problematic mother in law, and she receives quite a lot of sympathy from us battleaxe MILs.

  • Like 1
  • Author
fifi22 New Member

fifi22

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Yes indeed, I must be very difficult to deal with seeing as she apparently loves to have me around when it suits her! God forbid I actually tell her that she's hurt me and I have never done one single negative thing to her in the history of my relationship with her.

 

This whole thread felt very one sided and very biased. It makes no sense that it is "immature" to actually become fed up with someone's jekyll and hyde personality after x amount of time but if the shoe were to be on the other foot then I'd never hear the last of it from a 50+ year old woman.

 

Also, the fact that I am not married nor have kids does not entitle to me to be treated that way. So if you're with someone for 20 years and never married/had kids, you do not deserve the same respect as someone who's been with someone for 3 years and married for 2? Makes absolutely no sense.

KimberlyNJ New Member

KimberlyNJ

Posted
Posted

Hi Fifi. I was reading your post and it made me feel bad for you. I can't believe how heartless your boyfriends mom is. So many years and she doesn't even show you common respect. I think in this case your options are limited. You emailed her and I believe it was a good way to try to deal with your frustration, but she didn't reply which is even worse. So here are your options;

1 you can completely ignore her from now on. Cut her off. But only if your boyfriend is ok with it. If he isn't then he needs to talk to his mom and fix this matter

2. You should break up with him and be done with his crazy Mom.

3. Talk to her face to face, so she won't be able to ignore this issue anymore.

 

Good luck and remember you deserve the best. :rolleyes:

CC12 Established Member

CC12

Posted
Posted
This whole thread felt very one sided and very biased.

 

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time here. But you asked for advice and input from others. The fact that almost everyone here thinks you're being a bit unreasonable should tell you that maybe you should consider changing your assessment of the situation.

 

I'd like to hear your opinion about what I said about you wanting things from her that she won't give you, and that's why you're mad at her.

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