purplesoccer34 Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 I wonder if I'm strange for feeling this way, but sometimes I feel that I may never find anyone. I know it's an awfully pessimistic way of thinking, and I'm trying my best to snap myself out of these emotions. I had my first and most serious relationship when I was in college, but due to personality differences, we ended up breaking up. A couple of years later, I met an awesome man while I was on vacation. He told me he liked me back, but considering we were 2000 miles apart, we just didn't find it feasible to be together. We are still in contact, however, so maybe there's hope for the future. Other than this, I ended up falling for two coworkers--once several years ago, and another one more recently. The more recent coworker liked me back and always wanted to spend time with me, but I later found out that he had a girlfriend. I was shattered, but I made it a point to keep my distance from him. He still continues to initiate contact, which doesn't help much. Apart from this, I've gone on a number of dates -- none of which have worked out for various reasons. Either the guy wasn't interested in me, or vice versa. Could I be doing something wrong? Maybe I just need to go out more often to meet people.
carhill Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 Well, you are socializing and dating, so there's that. Still, not finding who you want can be discouraging. My milieu of discouragement was a bit different in my 20's so I took a break for a number of years and built my business and traveled and explored new ideas and challenges instead and that seemed to help later on in both attracting more people as well as being a more equitable and healthy relationship partner. Some folks do that stuff with a partner. Some of us, for whatever reason, are denied that. If not for the comparison, I doubt I'd have felt any discouragement. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, in that we let what others do define our personal path. These days, having done all that stuff dating marriage reproductive stuff, I'll be quite fine if I don't date another woman as long as I live. Keep at it, take a break if you feel like it, and grow yourself. It'll work out.
Author purplesoccer34 Posted June 25, 2017 Author Posted June 25, 2017 Well, you are socializing and dating, so there's that. Still, not finding who you want can be discouraging. My milieu of discouragement was a bit different in my 20's so I took a break for a number of years and built my business and traveled and explored new ideas and challenges instead and that seemed to help later on in both attracting more people as well as being a more equitable and healthy relationship partner. Some folks do that stuff with a partner. Some of us, for whatever reason, are denied that. If not for the comparison, I doubt I'd have felt any discouragement. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, in that we let what others do define our personal path. These days, having done all that stuff dating marriage reproductive stuff, I'll be quite fine if I don't date another woman as long as I live. Keep at it, take a break if you feel like it, and grow yourself. It'll work out. You're right about us setting standards for ourselves based on the people around us. If I didn't compare myself to those around me, I probably wouldn't feel discouraged at all. I suppose the pressure comes from seeing my closest friends in serious relationships and/or getting engaged. I am in my mid-20s though, so I know I still have an entire life ahead of me to meet people and explore new things.
carhill Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 Sure, when I was your age, reflecting a different era, all of my friends were married and most had school-age children at that point. Talk about peer pressure I see two positives. One, you do have clear feelings of attraction for certain people; for now, apparently it's been with some who aren't interested or available. Two, you are going out on dates and men find you attractive enough to want to date you. Keep showing up and learning from each experience would be my advice. Sure, if it gets overwhelming and you'd rather just stay home, do that for awhile. Do other stuff. The guys will always be there. There are billions of us around and new ones are birthed every day.
Sbla22 Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 This post really resonates with me. I am male and 25 years old (nearly 26) and I've felt lots of timed that I'm just not destined to find mutual love. I've only ever had one long term girlfriend which lasted 3 years and ended nearly 5 years ago. Looking back I had no idea how to be in a relationship, probably behaved in a neglectful way a lot of the time and we were not really compatible. Since then the longest a girl has gone out with me for is 5 months. Another girl for 2 months. I've gone on about 20-30 first dates other than those 2 in those years but most of the time the girl doesn't give me another date. There's maybe been 3 or 4 times where I didn't want another date. I'm currently dating someone for just over a month but I feel like I'm having to hold back and not be myself because I think that will just end badly again. I have no trust that a girl is going to want to stick with me and say "I want that guy to be my boyfriend" it seems so unlikely to me now. I'm not ugly - probably about a 5 or 6 and I have a caring personality. Not too confident but not someone who will allow silences and be awkward either. I just keep feeling that girls will not want to settle for me. I don't think this manifests into how I act towards them though - this girl I'm dating now I've been really cool with and held back on texting too much. I just feel pain and sadness in private and yes insecurity. What bugs me is people say you have to live yourself and I've tried to do that but how can I be happy if no one is willing to let me be part of their life and vice versa? Is it desperate to want someone to care about you and be there for you and you for them? Is it wrong to feel sad that everyone around you seems to have found someone? Is it wrong to feel deeply alone when you're out and see so many happy couples hand in hand and wonder why it's not happened for you when you've tried your best and just been honest, kind and caring?
Bastile Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 My problem isn't really "finding people", it's understanding them I'd call it a disaffection of sorts. Went through two phases of this before in my life. The first when I was about 20 years old, after the early initial experiences. The second at about age 26/27. And now again as I'm about to turn 31. I have enough life experience now to consider/recognize it as growing pains - rather than be confused about it. Each time was met with a significant change in the way I lived life, and the way I approached it. Can't rush the transition though.
Cora Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 Welcome to the club. Sorry I don't have any advice, but I'm right there with you.
Hopeless.heartbroken Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 It's extremely discouraging and difficult to stay positive. It's so hard to find a good guy. Even the guys you think are good turn out to be complete douche bags. I'm so tired of it. It's even harder to see all of your friends in relationships and doing couple things together and you're not included because you're single. People keep saying that he's out there. I don't know if I believe it anymore. I want to. But I don't feel him anywhere near me.
coolheadal Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 It's extremely discouraging and difficult to stay positive. It's so hard to find a good guy. Even the guys you think are good turn out to be complete douche bags. I'm so tired of it. It's even harder to see all of your friends in relationships and doing couple things together and you're not included because you're single. People keep saying that he's out there. I don't know if I believe it anymore. I want to. But I don't feel him anywhere near me. Yes that's the old saying he or she is out there for you? But how long do you have to wait for that to happen. If your in your house how it suppose to happen. Just maybe online. Just don't know. I am in the same boat like you and many others here the boat is getting to full and I don't know if the captain of the ship has taken that in consideration if we need to let some people go! LOL I look for something that I usually don't look for in a woman.. What you said in your other post was touching to the heart. Most women don't even talk like that at all. They're too into what what want and if you don't make that it then your cut out of their life so fast! You have a good nature and soul don't change..
OnlyHonesty Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 You're right about us setting standards for ourselves based on the people around us. If I didn't compare myself to those around me, I probably wouldn't feel discouraged at all. I suppose the pressure comes from seeing my closest friends in serious relationships and/or getting engaged. I am in my mid-20s though, so I know I still have an entire life ahead of me to meet people and explore new things. Then stop doing it.... Such behaviour comes from the ego that wants to complete and have what others have. Doing so makes no sense because every one of us is individual. You also have no idea what happens behind closed doors in those relationships and most people only show the surface. Also, your comment about having your entire life ahead of you to meet people could be diminishing your appreciation of 'the now'. Stop worrying about what other people are doing, stop worrying about the future. Live in the now and things will be different. Worries about the future diminish the magic of the present, and worrying about what other people are doing is the thief of joy. Acknowledge the future or past if you must, but going beyond that is fruitless.
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