salparadise Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 How tall is she and what was the initial weight? Without this information the absolute weight gain is absolute meaningless (e.g. if 6 foot tall woman gains 30 lbs on her 150 lbs frame you'd barely notice it, if the same 30 lbs are gained by 5 foot tall woman weighting 100 lbs the difference will be drastic). I'd guess the honeymoon period is over and now you're looking for reasons to explain your loss of attraction. Btw weight gain (unless it is drastic / medical condition-triggered) IMO should be the least of the appearance concerns when dating someone because it is not a permanent change, it is super easily reversible and most people fluctuate a bit in their weight over time anyway (e.g I'm +/- 5 lbs depending on the food that I had the day before and the day of my menstrual cycle). If you're talking facial features or height, yes, it is concerning because these can't be changed but weight... c'mon, she could lose the 30 pounds in 6 months tops if she limits her meals a little. So you're looking for reasons to dismiss the OP's feelings and telling him it's much ado about nothing, eh? Did you read the original post? There's a lot more to this than whether she's tall enough to carry an extra 30-35 lbs. I am over 6' tall and I can tell you for a fact that 30-35 lbs. is a lot of weight to gain or lose regardless. Also, he says that he DOES NOT want to end the relationship, but her loss of motivation to take care of herself and her appearance is taking it's toll. I think your gender bias is showing. If you were with a man who let himself go and wore sweats and t-shirts to go out when you're dressed up, that you'd be screaming about him disrespecting you and kicking his ass to the curb. It's good to be compassionate and understanding of people's struggles, which OP obviously is, but in the mating game partners have a responsibility to each other. She's not entitled to a pass on this just because she's female. stopped putting so much effort into her appearancesays she doesn't have as much time for thatjust wants to relax in sweatsI suggest [...] a couple's dance class but she's always tireddoesn't want to join a gymI don't know what to do, it's killing meout in public, it feels so weird with me dressed up nice and her in sweats/t-shirtdon't want to break up with hernot going to lie and say that I haven't thought about it 2
Blanco Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 What's her track record in terms of weight? A lot of people get into tip-top shape while single, but if they aren't genuinely interested in being physically active and eating mindfully, that tends to go out the window once they're paired up and comfortable. I was actually in a similar situation with an ex, except with the roles reversed. I put on a lot of weight in a similar amount of time due to many factors. She put on a tiny bit of weight (she's the type who can eat whatever and not have it affect her too much), but I almost looked like a different person in the face and certainly my upper body. We had other relationship issues, but in retrospect, I can pretty confidently say that I did myself no favors letting myself go to pot. Before all that, I think it was tough for us to stay "cool" on each other for very long because there was a mutual physical attraction. But with the changes in both of our appearances, I noticed that the cool periods lasted a lot longer and that physical spark was just not there. And while that sounds superficial, I do think that we all owe it to ourselves and our partner to do what we can within reason to maintain a good physical condition. That isn't the same as trying to defy age (i.e. cosmetic surgery), either. Yes, it gets easier with age to add some weight, but I think that's used as a crutch too often to justify being physically inactive and having a poor diet.
Bastile Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Or maybe you should stop shaming people until you know the full complete story. I do cook healthy meals when she's over at my place, I do take her out on short hikes, but can I control what she does when she isn't with me? My life isn't revolved around being her caretaker. We are all ships passing in the night... perhaps this ship is sailing in a very different direction than you are. Perhaps it's the Titanic. In which case, there is no shame in considering the lifeboat. It's very honourable that you choose to play violin as the ship goes down. But, I would advise limiting yourself to a handful of movements – before prioritizing pragmatism over romance. Plenty will tell you to prioritize romance. Yet they will be the first on the lifeboat themselves. And nobody remembers the names of the orchestra members. 2
Blanco Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 I will also echo what others have said: There is nothing you can do to "help" this matter. You can be supportive of her, but changes of any kind are doomed to fail if they are not fueled by an inner desire of the person making the changes. 1
heavenonearth Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 What a terrible mentality you hold about this situation. Look. Whilst being with my last boyfriend, I gained 43lbs in just one year. It was a nightmare. The reason this happened was a terrible side effect from antidepressants I was taking. Instead of happy - I got sad, because I got 'fat'. My boyfriend was a douche about it, we eventually broke up! After the break up I stopped the medication under supervision of my therapist -- and I have since lost 27lbs, waiting for the last 16lbs to shed over the summer. I am eating clean, and I work out somewhat. Sometimes, these things can happen just because of some medication we take, or because we experience hormonal changes, for example, because of the contraception pill. Be supportive. Tell your girlfriend you are there for her to get to the bottom of this. And accompany her to see a doctor, have some tests done. Debate what possible medications could have something to do with it... etc. But to be honest, if I were her, I'd dump you. If a guy gives up on us because he is this superficial, I certainly wouldn't want him around. 1
No_Go Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 No gender bias from my end, I'm absolutely gender neutral regarding appearance. I never really struggled with weight myself (albeit some fluctuations, usually relationship related haha) so it is not a trigger topic for me. However half-assed reminders to lose weight (let's do a dance class together etc) would have pissed me to no end. I'm curious how much 30 lbs are showing on her frame, my max gain on my 5'7 frame was 15 lbs and barely showed (moved 1 size up for pants/bras only, all my other clothes fitted fine). If she's my body type she gained maybe 2 sizes - not a huge difference (especially if she's larger/taller). Btw I dress business casual/semi formal most of the time (I hate athleisure and similar stuff), my ex was usually casual or wearing sports clothes and it was just fine for me. I couldn't care less about the clothing of my dates unless obviously breaking the dress code of the place where we're going. So you're looking for reasons to dismiss the OP's feelings and telling him it's much ado about nothing, eh? Did you read the original post? There's a lot more to this than whether she's tall enough to carry an extra 30-35 lbs. I am over 6' tall and I can tell you for a fact that 30-35 lbs. is a lot of weight to gain or lose regardless. Also, he says that he DOES NOT want to end the relationship, but her loss of motivation to take care of herself and her appearance is taking it's toll. I think your gender bias is showing. If you were with a man who let himself go and wore sweats and t-shirts to go out when you're dressed up, that you'd be screaming about him disrespecting you and kicking his ass to the curb. It's good to be compassionate and understanding of people's struggles, which OP obviously is, but in the mating game partners have a responsibility to each other. She's not entitled to a pass on this just because she's female. stopped putting so much effort into her appearancesays she doesn't have as much time for thatjust wants to relax in sweatsI suggest [...] a couple's dance class but she's always tireddoesn't want to join a gymI don't know what to do, it's killing meout in public, it feels so weird with me dressed up nice and her in sweats/t-shirtdon't want to break up with hernot going to lie and say that I haven't thought about it
Lorenza Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 What a terrible mentality you hold about this situation. Look. Whilst being with my last boyfriend, I gained 43lbs in just one year. It was a nightmare. The reason this happened was a terrible side effect from antidepressants I was taking. Instead of happy - I got sad, because I got 'fat'. My boyfriend was a douche about it, we eventually broke up! After the break up I stopped the medication under supervision of my therapist -- and I have since lost 27lbs, waiting for the last 16lbs to shed over the summer. I am eating clean, and I work out somewhat. Sometimes, these things can happen just because of some medication we take, or because we experience hormonal changes, for example, because of the contraception pill. Be supportive. Tell your girlfriend you are there for her to get to the bottom of this. And accompany her to see a doctor, have some tests done. Debate what possible medications could have something to do with it... etc. But to be honest, if I were her, I'd dump you. If a guy gives up on us because he is this superficial, I certainly wouldn't want him around. How is he being terrible or a douche? There wasn't anything condescending in his post and from what I could read he is being supportive. He came here with his problem, does he not have the right to feel the way he feels? I think that people take personal offense without even try to listen or help. 11
SwordofFlame Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 What a terrible mentality you hold about this situation. Look. Whilst being with my last boyfriend, I gained 43lbs in just one year. It was a nightmare. The reason this happened was a terrible side effect from antidepressants I was taking. Instead of happy - I got sad, because I got 'fat'. My boyfriend was a douche about it, we eventually broke up! After the break up I stopped the medication under supervision of my therapist -- and I have since lost 27lbs, waiting for the last 16lbs to shed over the summer. I am eating clean, and I work out somewhat. Sometimes, these things can happen just because of some medication we take, or because we experience hormonal changes, for example, because of the contraception pill. Be supportive. Tell your girlfriend you are there for her to get to the bottom of this. And accompany her to see a doctor, have some tests done. Debate what possible medications could have something to do with it... etc. But to be honest, if I were her, I'd dump you. If a guy gives up on us because he is this superficial, I certainly wouldn't want him around. Sheesh, how would you feel if the guy you were dating had a great job, was motivated and driven, but then decided to quit his job, take it easy and just play video games all day instead? That's really the male equivalent of this situation. 3
thefooloftheyear Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 (edited) Couple of things I wanted to add...And please,....I mean no offense by anything I am posting here...just some random personal thoughts and observations.. If you are the type of person that puts heavy value on a woman's physique, then don't just go willy nilly looking for a mate...Research it...Tell her early on that its important to you...Check out what she does for hobbies...If its watch TV and shop and not train, hike, bike, etc...then see that as a red flag... But there is something that does bother me about some guys... I know guys that absolutely demand that their women look like pornstars...Yet they themselves don't "walk the walk", meaning they don't bring the same attributes to the table they demand...That's just wrong... Additionally...You can't ask them to be Wonder Women, either...I live in an area where pretty much 80+% of women look dynamite...Even older mom's have it together...Tight, well groomed, no sagging tits...etc...BUT, these women either don't work(or work very little, no stress jobs), they have bf's and spouses that make tons of money and they have it at their expense...They get surgery, have trainers, housekeepers, grardeners , specialized diet programs, they are rested, go to the salon regularly, etc... Point is, you can only expect so much....A typical woman can't work 60 hrs, do some housework, even possibly have/take care of kids, etc, and still look like VS models...If you want a true knockout princess, do what those guys do, I guess....Just make sure you make bank, because those chicks like to spend big.... And women.... Don't play the bait and switch....If you are historically heavy,whip yourself into shape to hook a guy, then pack on a bunch of weight the minute you get "comfortable" then that's wrong, and I have heard too many cases of this...Don't go after really fit guys if you don't see that as a lifestyle you can do or sustain over the long haul...eventually that guy will likely get tired of looking at what resembles a melted candle when you get naked... Despite what Cosmo or anyone else says.....Not every guy is into size 16/18 women...Some, yes, but not all.. TFY Edited June 26, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 4
Bastile Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 But there is something that does bother me about some guys... I know guys that absolutely demand that their women look like pornstars...Yet they themselves don't "walk the walk", meaning they don't bring the same attributes to the table they demand...That's just wrong... You're expressing contradictory thoughts. I touched on page one, that I found it important to not rest on my own laurels. You poo pooed it stating “that won't work”, when I don't even see it as a simple “do x to achieve y” proposition in the first place. It's important to inspire one another in a ltr. Complacency, be that mental and/or physical, is one of the worst turn offs (for me, at least). Limits a relationship. That doesn't just mean getting a six pack (which I actually have, thank you very much), it extends to all sorts of things. Development as a person, and as a couple. Still “dating” her after the typical few month honey-moon period. Not taking each other for granted. Etc. Not sure why you keep talking about porn and nude pictures. Perhaps that's projection.... No one else has even alluded to that. Cheapens the discussion, imo.
thefooloftheyear Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 (edited) You're expressing contradictory thoughts. I touched on page one, that I found it important to not rest on my own laurels. You poo pooed it stating “that won't work”, when I don't even see it as a simple “do x to achieve y” proposition in the first place. It's important to inspire one another in a ltr. Complacency, be that mental and/or physical, is one of the worst turn offs (for me, at least). Limits a relationship. That doesn't just mean getting a six pack (which I actually have, thank you very much), it extends to all sorts of things. Development as a person, and as a couple. Still “dating” her after the typical few month honey-moon period. Not taking each other for granted. Etc. Not sure why you keep talking about porn and nude pictures. Perhaps that's projection.... No one else has even alluded to that. Cheapens the discussion, imo. Whatever....I stand by it...When it comes to this topic there is no "inspiring" ...You either have it in you, or you don't...its as simple as that...If you have to "inspire" someone to get off their ass and do something about how they look, then you don't have a life partner, you have someone you need to nag about stuff you don't like, when in reality they should be self aware..... No thanks.. we're supposed to be adults..>I inspire my kid to do well in school and behave, because she's a kid and doesn't have life experience and depend on adults(her parents/family) to guide them and we need to set good examples for them ...Adults??...Nope... As for the other stuff, who gives a crap...Sorry you are butt hurt, that I disagreed with your analysis of the topic...FWIW, I didn't quote your post so I don't see how you feel dissed by it.??Feel free to disagree with mine, I don't care.. .I word things to make my point you word things to make yours...DO you have nothing better to do than be the moral police on a anonymous forum?? TFY Edited June 26, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 2
Blanco Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 How is he being terrible or a douche? There wasn't anything condescending in his post and from what I could read he is being supportive. He came here with his problem, does he not have the right to feel the way he feels? I think that people take personal offense without even try to listen or help. Just read like she was projecting her own negative experience onto the OP's situation. 3
Bastile Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Whatever....I stand by it... Consistency of thought. Pfft. Who needs it, eh? When it comes to this topic there is no "inspiring" ...You either have it in you, or you don't...its as simple as that...If you have to "inspire" someone to get off their ass and do something about how they look, then you don't have a life partner, you have someone you need to nag about stuff you don't like, when in reality they should be self aware..... No thanks.. we're supposed to be adults..>I inspire my kid to do well in school and behave, because she's a kid and doesn't have life experience and depend on adults(her parents/family) to guide them and we need to set good examples for them ...Adults??...Nope... I don't even see it as a simple “do x to achieve y” proposition in the first place. Again, you are twisting what I'm saying into something grotesque. As for the other stuff, who gives a crap...Sorry you are butt hurt, that I disagreed with your analysis of the topic...FWIW, I didn't quote your post so I don't see how you feel dissed by it.??Feel free to disagree with mine, I don't care.. .I word things to make my point you word things to make yours...DO you have nothing better to do than be the moral police on a anonymous forum?? I'm a magnanimous man. You are forgiven.
stillafool Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Sheesh, how would you feel if the guy you were dating had a great job, was motivated and driven, but then decided to quit his job, take it easy and just play video games all day instead? That's really the male equivalent of this situation. I disagree. The male equivalent for me is a man who neglects his physical appearance as well. 4
Popsicle Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Join the club. On any given day, you can walk down the street and see 20 good looking and in shape guys with a whale of a woman. Learn to suck it up like they do. I blame the guys for not having higher standards.
Popsicle Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Now OP, if you're fat or even chubby yourself (which I suspect you are) then you have no room to talk! 1
Gaeta Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 No gender bias from my end, I'm absolutely gender neutral regarding appearance. I never really struggled with weight myself (albeit some fluctuations, usually relationship related haha) so it is not a trigger topic for me. However half-assed reminders to lose weight (let's do a dance class together etc) would have pissed me to no end. I'm curious how much 30 lbs are showing on her frame, my max gain on my 5'7 frame was 15 lbs and barely showed (moved 1 size up for pants/bras only, all my other clothes fitted fine). If she's my body type she gained maybe 2 sizes - not a huge difference (especially if she's larger/taller). I want to support this theory. I have gained and lost a lot of weight in my life. Gaining 20-lbs won't have me change my clothes. I'll be tighter in my size 8 but not big enough for a size 10. I gain my weight on breasts, thighs and hips. I have a friend who gains all of her weight on her stomach, she gains 6-7lbs and she can't tie any of her pants. OP I notices in your original post you worded that she gained more weight. Was she already a big girl? What does her family look like? are they active? is her mom overweight? I agree the first thing she needs to do is go to the doctor for a full check up. She could be suffering from a series of conditions that makes her tired. If she has never been active then don't expect her to get up and start running, the only exercise she needs doing is walking. Losing weight is mathematics, she needs to eat less calories than her body is using. How old are you both? While you were best friends for 10 years did she have boyfriends? did she gain weight while in relationships?
ak2 Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Shame at you for not helping her all your do is complain about her weight gain. You can help her loose and get off your butt too. Cook for her, take her out walking and jogging. Buy her a bike and ride it around the park. Tell her she needs to stop drinking sugar water soda. Get her Rooibos Tea brew it and give it to here at room temp that will help with the weight. Get some seaweed add water wait 5 mins then she can add to her salad or good with it in rice. That helps the Thyroids.. She has turn to food as her best friend. You need to get her out of the habit now! Should he work two jobs too so that she doesn't have to work at all? 1
knabe Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I'm sorry, but I agree 100% with TFY You can only expect what you bring to the table. And if your SO meets and falls in love with you as a size 8 (and he's a normal man), then yeah, becomning a size 16 or 20 is gonna affect him. Because he's normal. And men are visual. I don't know how much the OP's girlfriend has gained. If she was a 6 and now she's an 8 - then, dude, get over it. If she was an 8 and now she's a 14 or 16...yeah, I can understand why he's frustrated. And as far as people who "can't help being fat cause thyroid/medical/blahblah," that probably makes up 5% or less of obese people. So we need to find another excuse.
Gaeta Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I'm sorry, but I agree 100% with TFY You can only expect what you bring to the table. And if your SO meets and falls in love with you as a size 8 (and he's a normal man), then yeah, becomning a size 16 or 20 is gonna affect him. Because he's normal. And men are visual. I don't know how much the OP's girlfriend has gained. If she was a 6 and now she's an 8 - then, dude, get over it. If she was an 8 and now she's a 14 or 16...yeah, I can understand why he's frustrated. And as far as people who "can't help being fat cause thyroid/medical/blahblah," that probably makes up 5% or less of obese people. So we need to find another excuse. OP's girlfriend gained 30-lbs. We don't know if she was a size 6 or 16 before gaining that 30-lbs. To go from a size 8 to a size 20 you need to gain 80-100 lbs. We are not talking about this type of change. Gaining 30-lbs mean going up 2 size as in size 8 to 10...or size 18 to 20, depending where she was before she gained that weight. 1
Shining One Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Now OP, if you're fat or even chubby yourself (which I suspect you are) then you have no room to talk!Plenty of people (both men and women) seek physical attributes in their partner that they do not possess themselves. I believe the common phrase around here is: "We like what we like." 1
No_Go Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Men have 'standards' - like my ex who was deeply upset that I was wearing some clothes size 4 (I was size 2 for most when we met). I'm the last person promoting obesity but I refuse to get into criticizing OP's gf before getting the numbers - size before, size now, BMI etc. The absolute number of weight gain even if precise is telling us nothing. We need data! I'm sorry, but I agree 100% with TFY You can only expect what you bring to the table. And if your SO meets and falls in love with you as a size 8 (and he's a normal man), then yeah, becomning a size 16 or 20 is gonna affect him. Because he's normal. And men are visual. I don't know how much the OP's girlfriend has gained. If she was a 6 and now she's an 8 - then, dude, get over it. If she was an 8 and now she's a 14 or 16...yeah, I can understand why he's frustrated. And as far as people who "can't help being fat cause thyroid/medical/blahblah," that probably makes up 5% or less of obese people. So we need to find another excuse. 2
Blanco Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I doubt we'll get clarification. OP has only posted twice and they're both just his original post. 2
SevenCity Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Men have 'standards' - like my ex who was deeply upset that I was wearing some clothes size 4 (I was size 2 for most when we met). I'm the last person promoting obesity but I refuse to get into criticizing OP's gf before getting the numbers - size before, size now, BMI etc. The absolute number of weight gain even if precise is telling us nothing. We need data! I don't think you need specifics. Just grab a 30 lbs weight and carry it with you. It's heavy. A lot of posts here from people shaming the guy are likely from people who are over weight. I had a friend who was obsessed with working out. Although I didn't agree with everything he believed in he did say one thing that resonated: "Losing weight is easy, just burn more calories than you take in". Expecting the OP to be responsible for his attraction (attraction is not a choice) as well as her weight is unrealistic. Putting on weight is rarely caused by medical problems. It's not caused by stress or a new job. It's caused by eating. If you don't eat, you will lose weight. The body uses food as energy. You need food to survive. Food that is not used gets stored as fat. It's simple. Granted, there are going to be people who can eat whatever they want and be thin but if you look at the portions of thin people they are always smaller. In some cultures it's preferred for women to be larger. Despite what social media says or plus size retailers it is not the preference here. The problem is people often let their appearance go when they stop caring about the RL. Women especially often turn to food for comfort they are missing with their partner. There are likely more psychological than physical reasons for weight gain. And it's the resulting eating like crap and too much that actually causes the weight gain. I'm the opposite, when stressed I don't eat at all. I eat when I'm hungry and would be fine eating the same meal everyday (which I often do). When I was stressed from my breakup I lost about 40 lbs in about 1.5 months. Easy. I wasn't even trying. I prefer my new weight anyway (and had to buy all new clothes despite being 6' so it was a lot) and weigh myself every day. If I start getting heavier I cut back on the food. 1
introverted1 Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I doubt we'll get clarification. OP has only posted twice and they're both just his original post. Can hardly blame him with all the judgement he's getting. 30 pounds is a lot. I am currently at a BMI of 21.3 (pretty much dead center of the "normal" range). If I were to gain 30 pounds, my BMI would be 26.1, which is in the "overweight" range. I'm 5'6" but even using comparable weights (30 pounds apart) at 5'10" yields the same results from normal to overweight. Unless OP's girlfriend is a giant, there is no way she's gained 30 pounds and it isn't obvious. I get that we don't want to fat shame people and that accepting others is a good thing. But denying that significant weight gain can negatively impact both appearance and health is delusional.
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