Girlfriend gained weight and I don't feel physically/sexually attracted anymore

[Gaeta]

Can hardly blame him with all the judgement he's getting.

 

30 pounds is a lot. I am currently at a BMI of 21.3 (pretty much dead center of the "normal" range). If I were to gain 30 pounds, my BMI would be 26.1, which is in the "overweight" range. I'm 5'6" but even using comparable weights (30 pounds apart) at 5'10" yields the same results from normal to overweight. Unless OP's girlfriend is a giant, there is no way she's gained 30 pounds and it isn't obvious.

 

I get that we don't want to fat shame people and that accepting others is a good thing. But denying that significant weight gain can negatively impact both appearance and health is delusional.

 

 

Normal BMI for a woman is 18.5 to 24.9 %. and this is a rule of thumb. We don't even know what is the weight of this woman! or how tall she is.

 

If she went from 110lbs to 140lbs and is 5'5'' she is 24% BMI which is normal.

[Blanco]

What no one seems to be mentioning is that this is a trend that could possibly continue for months or years. Even if 30 pounds of extra weight hasn't made the OP's girlfriend overweight, another 6 to 12 months of behavior similar to the previous year is going to change that.

 

My weight has fluctuated a good bit since I was an adolescent, so I totally understand what it's like to struggle with weight. The weight gain I mentioned in my first post in this thread was unlike anything I'd ever experienced, though. It was the most I'd ever put on over a period of time in my adult life, and it happened a few pounds a month at a time.

 

And that's the dangerous thing about being too complacent about this stuff. No one wakes up one morning and is 100 pounds heavier than they were the night before. No, it's usually the result of years of adding a little bit of weight each month. And before you realize it, your body and appearance is drastically different.

 

Even siding with the OP's girlfriend on the weight she's already put on, I would want to know what the cause is. If it's medical, get it addressed and corrected. If it's not, and it's a lifestyle-driven change, then I think the OP is valid in his concern, because it's only going to get worse unless the girlfriend alters her daily behavior.

[No_Go]

Indeed! The BMI range 18.5 to 24.9 for my height is 120 to 160 lbs. I'm not saying I'd look identical at 120 and 160 lbs, but the delta of normal is 40 lbs. If she's taller the delta will be bigger (e.g. for 6 foot tall person range is 46 lbs)

 

Normal BMI for a woman is 18.5 to 24.9 %. and this is a rule of thumb. We don't even know what is the weight of this woman! or how tall she is.

 

If she went from 110lbs to 140lbs and is 5'5'' she is 24% BMI which is normal.

[No_Go]

I agree with what you're saying for the kcal intake and reasons for gaining weight. All that I was asking is to work with facts/numbers. Maybe it is a job related quirk for me but not putting actual numbers and ranges is driving me insane. Like all the discussion is meaningless.

 

 

I don't think you need specifics. Just grab a 30 lbs weight and carry it with you. It's heavy.

 

A lot of posts here from people shaming the guy are likely from people who are over weight. I had a friend who was obsessed with working out. Although I didn't agree with everything he believed in he did say one thing that resonated:

 

"Losing weight is easy, just burn more calories than you take in".

 

 

Expecting the OP to be responsible for his attraction (attraction is not a choice) as well as her weight is unrealistic.

 

Putting on weight is rarely caused by medical problems. It's not caused by stress or a new job. It's caused by eating. If you don't eat, you will lose weight. The body uses food as energy. You need food to survive. Food that is not used gets stored as fat. It's simple.

 

Granted, there are going to be people who can eat whatever they want and be thin but if you look at the portions of thin people they are always smaller.

 

In some cultures it's preferred for women to be larger. Despite what social media says or plus size retailers it is not the preference here.

 

The problem is people often let their appearance go when they stop caring about the RL. Women especially often turn to food for comfort they are missing with their partner. There are likely more psychological than physical reasons for weight gain. And it's the resulting eating like crap and too much that actually causes the weight gain.

 

I'm the opposite, when stressed I don't eat at all. I eat when I'm hungry and would be fine eating the same meal everyday (which I often do). When I was stressed from my breakup I lost about 40 lbs in about 1.5 months. Easy. I wasn't even trying. I prefer my new weight anyway (and had to buy all new clothes despite being 6' so it was a lot) and weigh myself every day. If I start getting heavier I cut back on the food.

[Gaeta]

I agree with what you're saying for the kcal intake and reasons for gaining weight. All that I was asking is to work with facts/numbers. Maybe it is a job related quirk for me but not putting actual numbers and ranges is driving me insane. Like all the discussion is meaningless.

 

I agree with you. If OP does not come back to update this thread we're just going around and around.

[Midnight.Amber]

I’ve been lurking around here for a while, and feel compelled to respond to this thread.

 

To all those who become turned off, no longer sexually/physically attracted to their partners when they gain weight, I am wondering what the real issue is exactly.

 

Is it because of her laziness, lack of respect for you and the RL, lack of pride in herself, her possible boredom with you so she turns to food?* And this is what turns you off?

 

Because the way I see it, when you love someone and commit to them, doesn’t that mean loving them, through bad times and good times, even when they put on a few or even more than a few pounds, why would this result in your actually changing your feelings/attraction to them?

 

I mean think of it this way, what if god forbid she was diagnosed with an illness, one which required meds and the meds caused her to gain weight. Would you feel the same?

 

Because her weight gain wouldn’t be because of laziness or the other things I mentioned, it would be out of her control, same with if she were in an accident and lost a limb, or were burned in a fire, disfiguring her, for example.

 

In your mind, sorry, you look different, you are no longer the beautiful, thin hot bombshell I fell in love with; you’ve changed (appearance wise) therefore, sorry but I don’t feel attracted enough anymore to stay with you.

 

What kind of love is that?* I mean really guys?

 

If so, then what’s the point of it, really? Falling in love and committing oneself. Only to have it all change and blow up in smoke because she looks different from when you first met?

 

What a shallow world this is if this is the case.

 

As for me, save the lambasting, I have trouble gaining weight! I am probably too thin for many guys, my first bf was constantly on me to gain weight! He was 100% Italian though, from a big Italian family; the women were all very robust. He still loved me though and thought I looked great.

 

I guess I just have a different way of conducting my relationships, when committed. If he were to gain (which a couple of my boyfriends have), it didn’t make a bit of difference to me.

 

My love and attraction comes from within, NOT from how he looks on the outside, although tbh all my boyfriends have been extremely good looking, but that was not the driving force behind my love and attraction.

 

IF he were to become disfigured or paralyzed, same thing.

Edited June 27, 2017 by Midnight.Amber

[No_Go]

Good post. It boils down (in most cases I know of) to not doing something for him that she can, e.g. keep her weight for him.

 

Similar analogy: m recent ex blamed me that I'm not dressing up when going out on dates. Now, this could have been a solid concern if I was running to dates in sweatpants. However - I don't own sweatpants! I just don't have/use pajamas, sweats, graphic tshirts, it is not my style at home or out. I usually wear solid colored mid-length dresses and some designer shoes (usually heels), that if anything make me overdressed for the places we used to go. His response to that: but you're not putting these clothes for me/us going out, that's your daily style. Hey - the issue is here - he expected to dress for him separately and specially, so the claim for underdressing albeit ridiculous/comic reflected something on his mind: the effort was not for him.

 

Back to OP - if his GF suffered from illness or something he'd be most likely ok, now he's butt hurt shes not maintaining her weight for him (JMO).

 

To all those who become turned off, no longer sexually/physically attracted to their partners when they gain weight, I am wondering what the real issue is exactly.

 

Is it because of her laziness, lack of respect for you and the RL, lack of pride in herself, her possible boredom with you so she turns to food?* And this is what turns you off?

[SevenCity]

I’ve been lurking around here for a while, and feel compelled to respond to this thread.

 

To all those who become turned off, no longer sexually/physically attracted to their partners when they gain weight, I am wondering what the real issue is exactly.

 

Is it because of her laziness, lack of respect for you and the RL, lack of pride in herself, her possible boredom with you so she turns to food?* And this is what turns you off?

 

Because the way I see it, when you love someone and commit to them, doesn’t that mean loving them, through bad times and good times, even when they put on a few or even more than a few pounds, why would this result in your actually changing your feelings/attraction to them?

 

I mean think of it this way, what if god forbid she was diagnosed with an illness, one which required meds and the meds caused her to gain weight. Would you feel the same?

 

Because her weight gain wouldn’t be because of laziness or the other things I mentioned, it would be out of her control, same with if she were in an accident and lost a limb, or were burned in a fire, disfiguring her, for example.

 

In your mind, sorry, you look different, you are no longer the beautiful, thin hot bombshell I fell in love with; you’ve changed (appearance wise) therefore, sorry but I don’t feel attracted enough anymore to stay with you.

 

What kind of love is that?* I mean really guys?

 

If so, then what’s the point of it, really? Falling in love and committing oneself. Only to have it all change and blow up in smoke because she looks different from when you first met?

 

What a shallow world this is if this is the case.

 

As for me, save the lambasting, I have trouble gaining weight! I am probably too thin for many guys, my first bf was constantly on me to gain weight! He was 100% Italian though, from a big Italian family; the women were all very robust. He still loved me though and thought I looked great.

 

I guess I just have a different way of conducting my relationships, when committed. If he were to gain (which a couple of my boyfriends have), it didn’t make a bit of difference to me.

 

My love and attraction comes from within, NOT from how he looks on the outside, although tbh all my boyfriends have been extremely good looking, but that was not the driving force behind my love and attraction.

 

IF he were to become disfigured or paralyzed, same thing.

 

In a perfect world I would agree. I would agree when you are talking about a love for a pet or a parent's love for a child. Looks don't matter.

 

But reality is far different. You yourself admit that your boyfriends were very good looking. Did that not factor into your selection? If their looks changed how can you be so sure of your reaction?

 

I know you say you would stay with them if they got fat / ugly / disfigured but have you actually experienced this like the OP?

 

Where are these boyfriends now? Would you forgo the reasons you left if they were disfigured?

 

Fact is there are many reasons to leave someone. Guys cannot help if they lose attraction - women can help gaining weight.

[Midnight.Amber]

Good post. It boils down (in most cases I know of) to not doing something for him that she can, e.g. keep her weight for him.

 

 

And if that is why she gained, because of laziness, boredom and/or lack of desire to look great for him or herself, then that is a valid concern, imo.

 

Address that. Take efforts to resolve that.

 

Personally, I think taking pride in oneself and one's appearance, regardless of whether or not in a relationship, is of the upmost importance not only in maintaining a healthy self-esteem but attracting and maintaining healthy relationships, in general, including the relationship you have with yourself.

Edited June 27, 2017 by Midnight.Amber

[No_Go]

Yep, weight gain (or weight loss) in a relationship is usually a symptom not condition: when people are unhappy with their lives they let go one way or another.

 

I noticed that all the times in my live my weight was going up or down, it was related to stress, most times relationship stress. It is no rocket science - relationships come with lifestyle change (eating and sleeping habits - that translates to stress) and it may affect weight and what not.

 

And if that is why she gained, because of laziness, boredom and/or lack of desire to look great for him or herself, then that is a valid concern, imo.

 

Address that. Take efforts to resolve that.

 

Personally, I think taking pride in oneself and one's appearance, regardless of whether or not in a relationship, is of the upmost importance not only in maintaining a healthy self-esteem but to attract and maintain healthy relationships, in general, including the relationship you have with yourself.

[jay1983]

This is like the parallel to the "what's the problem with being a carpenter" thread. You can take all comments about shallowness and swap them with status, money and so on.

[Midnight.Amber]

 

But reality is far different. You yourself admit that your boyfriends were very good looking. Did that not factor into your selection? If their looks changed how can you be so sure of your reaction?

 

I know you say you would stay with them if they got fat / ugly / disfigured but have you actually experienced this like the OP?

 

 

Because at least it one of my ltr's, his looks DID change. Weight gain (50 lbs on a 6'1" frame), among other things that I don't care to go into now.

 

We were together a long time, and if you were to compare photos from when we first met until years later, some people may not even have recognized him as the same person.

 

Nonetheless, I loved him the same, and he was still extremely good looking "to me."

 

As I said, and maybe this isn't true for you or everyone, but my love (and devotion) go beyond mere physical appearance.

 

When I commit (which I don't do often and take very seriously) I am in it through thick and thin, unless extenuating circumstances deem otherwise, as is what happened in that situation.

 

Initially, sure obviously there needs to be a strong physical/sexual attraction and pull.

 

I am talking about when you fall in love and choose to commit yourself.

 

ETA: I find your wording "fat and ugly" really repugnant.

 

No one, no matter how bad you think they look should be referred to that way.

 

Let alone someone you are in a relationship with and claim to love.

Edited June 27, 2017 by Midnight.Amber

[joseb]

 

To all those who become turned off, no longer sexually/physically attracted to their partners when they gain weight, I am wondering what the real issue is exactly.

 

 

I can't speak for all, but for me it's pretty simple. I become less physically aroused simply by the extra weight.

It's a biological urge that I have no more control of then "choosing" to be straight/gay.

[thefooloftheyear]

[

QUOTE=Midnight.Amber;7350778]I’ve been lurking around here for a while, and feel compelled to respond to this thread.

 

To all those who become turned off, no longer sexually/physically attracted to their partners when they gain weight, I am wondering what the real issue is exactly

 

.There is no "real" issue....It is exactly what it says...The person changed their physical appearance and therefore no longer have the same appeal physically/sexually...

 

Is it because of her laziness, lack of respect for you and the RL, lack of pride in herself, her possible boredom with you so she turns to food?* And this is what turns you off?

Maybe....Maybe not...I guess it's on a case by case basis...I think, though, that its incumbent on an individual to maintain at least a semblance of who they were when they met/fell in love...exclusive of normal "wear and tear"

Because the way I see it, when you love someone and commit to them, doesn’t that mean loving them, through bad times and good times, even when they put on a few or even more than a few pounds, why would this result in your actually changing your feelings/attraction to them?

You can love someone dearly and not get erect/wet for them...Is that a way to keep a relationship happy/desirable??

I mean think of it this way, what if god forbid she was diagnosed with an illness, one which required meds and the meds caused her to gain weight. Would you feel the same?

Different story...Not the same as normal lack of attention to one's appearance...But even that scenario could cause a lack of sexual/physical attraction...Its not nice to say it, but it is what it is...

Because her weight gain wouldn’t be because of laziness or the other things I mentioned, it would be out of her control, same with if she were in an accident and lost a limb, or were burned in a fire, disfiguring her, for example.

See above answer...

 

In your mind, sorry, you look different, you are no longer the beautiful, thin hot bombshell I fell in love with; you’ve changed (appearance wise) therefore, sorry but I don’t feel attracted enough anymore to stay with you.

 

What kind of love is that?* I mean really guys?

Well...How did the relationship start in the first place...By falling in love with a vision of the person you desire 60 lbs heavier? Nope...

If so, then what’s the point of it, really? Falling in love and committing oneself. Only to have it all change and blow up in smoke because she looks different from when you first met?

 

What a shallow world this is if this is the case.

 

As for me, save the lambasting, I have trouble gaining weight! I am probably too thin for many guys, my first bf was constantly on me to gain weight! He was 100% Italian though, from a big Italian family; the women were all very robust. He still loved me though and thought I looked great.

 

I guess I just have a different way of conducting my relationships, when committed. If he were to gain (which a couple of my boyfriends have), it didn’t make a bit of difference to me.

 

My love and attraction comes from within, NOT from how he looks on the outside, although tbh all my boyfriends have been extremely good looking, but that was not the driving force behind my love and attraction.

 

IF he were to become disfigured or paralyzed, same thing.

 

 

Look...I'm not necessarily saying you are wrong....

 

But its also wrong to demean/shame those who put value in appearance..

 

I find women and men differ immensely on this topic..Women are far more forgiving, in general, than men are....And that's probably a great thing for many guys as good looking women far outnumber good looking men...

 

TFY

[Midnight.Amber]

>>But its also wrong to demean/shame those who put value in appearance..

 

Is that what I was doing? Shaming? My apologies.

 

I thought I was simply expressing my opinion, shame on ME!

[thefooloftheyear]

>>But its also wrong to demean/shame those who put value in appearance..

 

Is that what I was doing? Shaming? My apologies.

 

I thought I was simply expressing my opinion, shame on ME!

 

Perhaps not directly, but the jist of your comments indicate that someone should feel no loss of attraction/desire for the other person, despite any change in appearance.

 

Its possible for some....Not possible for others...Simple as that...

 

TFY

[Gaeta]

As a woman who's gain and lost a lot of weight in her life I spent a lot of time understanding the phychology behind it. In women, gaining extra weight fast is often a security blanket.

 

OP needs to come back and answer the 10s of questions waiting for him.

[Midnight.Amber]

Perhaps not directly, but the jist of your comments indicate that someone should feel no loss of attraction/desire for the other person, despite any change in appearance.

 

Its possible for some....Not possible for others...Simple as that...

 

TFY

 

That's fair actually, and I suppose understandable.

 

I just went back and read the original post, and I think I may have misunderstood it at first.

 

I thought he was ready to end the entire relationship. But what he said was he lost his attraction, not his overall love for her. And actually wants to find ways to work it out, if possible.

 

So I give him credit for that.

 

I agree with you, men and women are different not only about this but in many ways.

 

Mars/Venus, yin/yang whatever we want to call it.

 

And would we want it any other way, really? I wouldn't. I guess all we can do is try to understand each other better and work within each other's framework.

[Divasu]

I do not believe your attempts as described herein have been unreasonable nor demeaning in any way.

 

An attempt (on your part) has been made to address the subject as a couple, to participate as a couple, as opposed to just breaking off the relationship.

 

That demonstrates both respect and commitment to the relationship.

 

I think it is "safe to say" that this boils down to biology at its basic level.

 

I.E.

Men vs. Women (Physical Intimacy vs. Emotional Intimacy)

 

Neither is wrong.

 

An olive branch has been extended (by the OP).

GF now needs to grab the olive branch.

[jay1983]

I've seen women lose interest over far more petty things. Like a guy growing or shaving his beard. Unapologetic strong preference for something as silly as beard or no beard or he's only 4 inches taller, he needs to be 6 inches taller. But if she starts gaining weight with a belly hanging out, it shouldn't matter.