FerbyBarker Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) I posted this a few weeks ago (it's long sorry) - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/626233-he-pulling-away-am-i-being-neurotic-what-should-i-say {synopsis; had been dating this guy for 3 months who was initially very sweet and interested in me, we had started spending a lot of time together, then he had been having some personal issues and had pulled back a lot and stopped initiating contact or plans to see me often for about the last month} Since then the situation hasn't really got any better. I gave him some space then reached out and went to his place and had a proper conversation with him about it all (this was 10 days ago). He conversation seemed to go pretty well. He was receptive and open. He said that yes we are dating, he isn't dating anyone else (neither am I) and I explained that he had been really distant and how it was making me feel like he wasn't interested anymore and he said he understood and it was fair and wasn't if I wanted him to text me more. He explained that he's been in this "rut" (or maybe he said funk I'm not sure) for the past month and hasn't wanted to go out or do anything or see anyone. He also told me he hadn't had many girlfriends or dated anyone for very long before because he's used to be being alone and feels like he's just not very good at relationships. I asked why he had started dating though and he said because he was lonely. After we talked though he became pretty shut off and got tired and went to sleep. Then he texted me the next day "I'm sorry I was short, I had an early work morning" "I do want to talk more, just got caught off guard a bit" - All sounds positive right?!! Except then nothing changed! he didn't text me back that day, or the next day until I reached out at about 5pm and he seemed pretty cold, same the next day so I made plans to see him on Friday (I just had to see if everything was okay after that conversation). I had to initiate all contact all week except those first two texts the morning after we had talked. Friday night/Saturday together was fine, I went to his apartment (all he ever wants to do with me anymore) and we hung out and watched a show, ate, slept, had sex, didn't talk about anything heavy. He didn't seem like he planned to do anything (or leave his apartment at all) so I just came home on Saturday afternoon and decided not to reach out to him anymore. Just to give him some space and to see if I didn't initiate, then would he actually do anything? seeing as I had already told him how I felt and what I needed. He reached out a few times during the week (not until Monday night), but didn't try to see me until Thursday (last) night. I had hoped he would step up and make more effort but he didn't really.. he had been at a restaurant with a friend from work and his wife and then he asked me if I wanted to go his apartment to watch our show and then he texted me that he just got home "not sure if he would make it much longer" (trying to cancel? I'm not sure?) so I called him and was like what does that mean? I haven't seen you all week! and he said it just meant he's tired but I can still come over. Everything was nice in person (as usual), he seemed happy to see me and we cuddled up, had great sex, talked a bit (not about any of the issues) and watched tv. This morning I left early to go running and asked him what his plans were this weekend and he seemed a bit dismissive, saying he might have to go to (a city near by where his family live), which it's just odd that he didn't mention yesterday or this week. In general I'm just feeling like he has lost interest in me and isn't making any effort anymore, even after I told him how I felt last week. Maybe he is depressed but he can still somehow manage to go away with his friends for the weekend or out to dinner with his work friend.. and if he is depressed, he doesn't seem to be taking any action to help with it. And I don't know how to help or what to do. My friends are all sick of seeing me sad over it and think I need to break it off with him because it's only been 3.5 months and we never go out to do anything together anymore, he isn't introducing me to his friends (I have met a few before) or trying to include me in his life or even reaching out to me much anymore. The way things are right now just really isn't enough for me but I did really like him before so it's hard to let go of that and give up. I don't want to but I'm out of ideas and he is so hard to read. Edited June 23, 2017 by FerbyBarker
Zahara Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 Yes, he has lost interest. What he is interested in is the sex he gets from you when he needs it. It's great for him because he has to do very little to get what he wants. You on the other hand, have been doing too much to get him to show legitimate interest. I dated someone like this before. It doesn't get better. The more you talk, the more they detach. The more they detach, the more you cling. You should let go. 1
Author FerbyBarker Posted June 23, 2017 Author Posted June 23, 2017 Yes, he has lost interest. What he is interested in is the sex he gets from you when he needs it. It's great for him because he has to do very little to get what he wants. You on the other hand, have been doing too much to get him to show legitimate interest. I dated someone like this before. It doesn't get better. The more you talk, the more they detach. The more they detach, the more you cling. You should let go. I can see how it sounds like this yeah and the sex is really good and there is a lot of attraction. I'm not so sure this is it though, we have hung out several times without having sex (in the past month as well), neither of us initiated it. We just ate dinner, or watched tv of slept (actually slept) together.
Zahara Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 I can see how it sounds like this yeah and the sex is really good and there is a lot of attraction. I'm not so sure this is it though, we have hung out several times without having sex (in the past month as well), neither of us initiated it. We just ate dinner, or watched tv of slept (actually slept) together. Sometimes it's about the attention and companionship as well. A warm body to lay next to or a companion to have fun with but all that doesn't mean a guy is truly interested in anything of depth -- when a man puts minimal effort into courting you -- his interest is shallow and usually self-serving. 2
kendahke Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 You, my dear, have been demoted to booty call. He has time, energy and inclination to go out to dinner with a friend and his wife, but he has none of the 3 for you outside of going to his house and having sex. You're doing waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much of the heavy lifting here. Of course he will go along for the ride---he doesn't have to bust a sweat. When you get on him to bust a sweat, he does only as much to shut you up in the moment then reverts to his default setting, which is to act like he's a single guy who isn't dating. This is who he is. He's not the guy who is going to arse himself to put any energy into you because he's found someone who will accept this low-investment. You need to ask yourself why you are so desperate for this relationship that you seem to be the only one doing the heavy lifting. If you dont' believe you deserve better, then you've found the guy who mirrors your belief. If you do, then you know what you need to do.
basil67 Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 Ferby, I'm not sure why you expected him to change. You told him about your perceptions and he agreed they was true. He told you he was in a funk and not good at relationships. Him being in a funk or being poor at relationships isn't going to change because you talked about it. I also don't think this is about you or that he's lost interest. I think that his poor relationship skills and emotional state (it sounds like depression to me) would leave him acting this way with anyone he dated. The only thing left for you to do is research clinical depression. If he fits the bill, see if he will seek treatment and/or meds. If he refuses or procrastinates, then there's nothing more you can do. It will be a case of accepting him how he is or moving on. I'd suggest you move on.
vintageluna Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 The main thing that concerns me is him not initiating contact. As someone who struggles with depression, I've had days where I may not feel like going out (and I'll invite someone I'm dating/friends for a night in instead) but I always make the effort to contact them to let them know what's going on and that I'm thinking of them. If he's not even doing that the he may very well have lost interest in pursuing you seriously and just wants the convienient hook up. He may see that you'll put in all the effort and all he has to do is sit back and enjoy the hassle free sex. Talk to him about it but if he still doesn't step up, end it.
joseb Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 OP, if a relationship isn't working for you, let it go. He is fine with the status quo. It's not going to change
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