is it reasonable to withdraw from OLD?

[Lorenza]

Sorry for yet another topic, but this time I'm here with a different question that, hopefully, some of you will find relatable.

 

I've been thinking a lot about the dating culture and how people find each other nowadays. Have myself been using Tinder and some other popular platforms frequented by many users, both locals and from other cities. I even had a lot of interesting matches and encounters that eventually didn't hook me up. I virtually ran into two of my exes and saw some other people I know.

 

But the longer I'm using all those dating platform the more hollow the whole thing feels. After all, this method of meeting the love of your life is completely unnatural, inorganic and quite shallow (especially Tinder).No wonder there's an enormous distance among people and everyone's easily replaceable.

 

I started feeling that I don't want to meet someone through an app based on choosing people like clothes in an online shopping catalog. Then it's easy to pick on any flaw, return the product and continue shopping. I'd like my story to be more than that.

 

My question is - is it reasonable for me to shut that door? I don't usually have many opportunities to meet new men, especially the type of men that I find compelling. My schedule doesn't leave too much time for activities, thought I could squeeze something in, in worst case.

 

Also - do you believe that love comes to you when you stop looking for it?

 

I'd gladly hear some stories of forum members meeting their SO outside of OLD (but in recent years)

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Of course it's reasonable and I can really relate to you. I'd also love to hear stories about couples meeting outside of OLD in recent years.

[central]

It's reasonable to do whatever feels right - for you.

 

 

I do think that if you not looking, then you may not find love, unless you're very lucky. When you stop looking, you may even stop noticing good prospects unless they approach you. Since your situation doesn't provide many opportunities to meet the kind of men who interest you, it could be a very long time until you do meet someone.

 

 

As for me, I'd probably not have met anyone worthwhile if I hadn't used OLD (or the newer apps). My options for meeting people were quite limited, despite getting involved in a number of activities, etc., and very few were remotely suitable.

 

 

I don't know if "how it feels" is a useful way to look at it. I look at is from the perspective of, "does it work?" OLD did for me - a few great relationships, and also met my wonderful, extremely compatible wife that way. And she's completely organic!

[No_Go]

OLD and out of OLD - people are exactly the same (nearly every single person I know have used OLD at a certain point).

 

Why limit prospects when you don't meet enough people anyway? Why do you think it will be more 'organic' if you meet a guy e.g. on an event? The only 'organic' way I can think of is dating friends or coworkers or other people that you know from a long time, but that's not applicable to your situation.

 

But one question - why Tinder? There are much better apps out there - like Match, OkCupid, eHarmony etc.

[Mkn1010]

I think the exact same way as you OP, your post really resonated with me! It feels like real love can't be manufactured or selected via one's app profile! I literally always use the same line as you about picking someone out of a magazine!

 

 

I'm not sure what the answer is though. I frequently give up OLD, to only set a profile again for a brief time as it helps me to feel like I'm doing SOMETHING! And I'm 30 years old and have only been in ONE relationship so I know that my chances of meeting men organically as slim, especially since I'm shy!

 

 

Yet again, I'm a bit spiritual in that I believe that what will be will be. So forcing things or trying too hard will achieve nothing except keep me occupied haha.

[Maggie4]

I did online dating long ago. But I have to admit I only did that because I was unhappy at the time. And I did meet one guy, he was great but we just became friends. Other than that, I never had contact with many men, probably because I never posted a photo and I refuse to pay. Was more curious than serious. So that ended before it really took off.

 

In real life, it is very easy to get dates if you know where to go. I live in LA, and there are places I know I can walk in, take a seat at the bar, and a guy would appear next to me faster than I can order my drink. I have met nice single men there, mixed in with some weird and married ones.

 

I've met men on the airplane, at airports, in stores, outdoors (hiking), on the water (paddling), at concerts, museums. I dated the man who gave me CPR, the vet, the ski instructor, some coworkers and so on. One time a handsome guy just turned up on my doorsteps. Talk about get your instant man. And no, was not pizza delivery.

 

When meeting people in real life, I wasn't looking specifically to meet men. I think I met just as many women and couples. Nice people with similar interests. So yeah it's what you said about finding love when you're not looking. But don't be too shy. If you see a cute guy, get his attention!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I dated the man who gave me CPR

 

I don't know about the rest of y'all, but I need to hear this story.

[Chilli]

Reasonable , hell l think it's sensible.

Ya know , 20yrs ago l guess you would have just bumped into somebody somewhere the old fashion way like everyone else did.

But it's so weird now, since l've been out of this stuff a longggggg time, but now it's like there's an attitude as if OLD is the only way. l don't get it and it sounds like it rarely leads to anything real and lasting anyway.

Apart from a few lucky ones.

 

l wonder why people seem to think it's the only way now ,be all and end all.

What happened to the real world , surely it's still all out there alive and happening.

[Popsicle]

It is VERY inorganic and I've been saying that for a long time. That said, I like that everyone on there is single and you don't have to guess (something that becomes a problem as you get older). I am a fan of doing both being on the dating site and getting out more, doing things where you see and meet people. Don't just focus on one.

[Lorenza]

OLD and out of OLD - people are exactly the same (nearly every single person I know have used OLD at a certain point).

 

Why limit prospects when you don't meet enough people anyway? Why do you think it will be more 'organic' if you meet a guy e.g. on an event? The only 'organic' way I can think of is dating friends or coworkers or other people that you know from a long time, but that's not applicable to your situation.

 

But one question - why Tinder? There are much better apps out there - like Match, OkCupid, eHarmony etc.

 

I feel that meeting a person outside of OLD is more organic because you can immediately feel the energy, have a natural conversation that isn't limited to polite pleasantries people usually exchange on dating sites. Like if you meet on a concert, you can talk about the music, the surroundings - you don't even need to start giving out information about yourself. The conversation can have its own course.

 

On OLD it's always the same questions, always the same phrases everyone uses. "How are you? How was your day? What plans do you have for the weekend? How is your summer going so far?". Over and over again. And I did try to shake things up by starting to ask random questions, but it's just not natural for most guys.

 

Also, there's something special about a person just randomly clicking with you. Someone you haven't selected from hundreds of others by browsing through their profiles.

 

I used Tinder because it has most users here in my area. It's really popular. And it had more foreign users which other sites didn't have. The other ones you mentioned are not for free and I refuse to pay that much for a chance to find love. I just find something degrading in it, as if we people have gotten so far into estrangement and inability to connect in simple ways that we need to pay to have any chance at all.

But Tinder is degrading too and I've realized that now.

[Lorenza]

 

When meeting people in real life, I wasn't looking specifically to meet men. I think I met just as many women and couples. Nice people with similar interests. So yeah it's what you said about finding love when you're not looking. But don't be too shy. If you see a cute guy, get his attention!

 

That's another thing I forgot to mention - meeting people outside of OLD is much more relaxed and you're not entirely too focused on achieving your goal of finding the right partner. You can just take an opportunity to get to know someone, without having expectations. If you meet someone from a dating site, the meeting already has a "purpose" and it changes the whole dynamics of it.

 

By the way I also want to hear the CPR story

[Lorenza]

It is VERY inorganic and I've been saying that for a long time. That said, I like that everyone on there is single and you don't have to guess (something that becomes a problem as you get older). I am a fan of doing both being on the dating site and getting out more, doing things where you see and meet people. Don't just focus on one.

 

Well yeah, I guess that's the problem with bumping into a cute guy on a street or in a cooking class - you don't really know if he's single and it might be a little bit embarrassing to approach him just to get a "sorry I've a gf". And on dating sites it's a given (though I noticed that more and more men are into polyamorous relationships, yuck).

[Lorenza]

I think the exact same way as you OP, your post really resonated with me! It feels like real love can't be manufactured or selected via one's app profile! I literally always use the same line as you about picking someone out of a magazine!

 

 

I'm not sure what the answer is though. I frequently give up OLD, to only set a profile again for a brief time as it helps me to feel like I'm doing SOMETHING! And I'm 30 years old and have only been in ONE relationship so I know that my chances of meeting men organically as slim, especially since I'm shy!

 

 

Yet again, I'm a bit spiritual in that I believe that what will be will be. So forcing things or trying too hard will achieve nothing except keep me occupied haha.

 

I'm the same - I often delete my multiple OLD profiles on a whim. But we're so conditioned into thinking that it's the only way to meet that soecial person that we can't stay away for too long.

Normally I just start feeling a little bit anxious as in "What if I'm missing out?". But whenever I get back on it I'm more active for a couple of days and then I get bored and disappointed again. This cycle goes on and on.

 

Shyness can of course be an obstacle to meeting someone organically. I'm also shy and what's worse I've got an arrogant facial expression while I'm completely neutral. Resting bytch face, hehe. Might prevent someone from approaching me.

[No_Go]

The trick is put in your profile a picture of something that you want to talk about - a place, an event etc. Or write about it.

 

I have never ever responded to one liners ('How was your day?' 'Hey sweetie' or whatever nonsense). I responded to guys that have read the actual information and are asking relevant questions.

 

On the randomness... It is not really random IRL as well if you're looking around to meet guys or they're doing the same. And if not - nothing will happen because you will not approach each other (only exception is people you meet on daily basis - pretty uncommon post-school unless you're ok dating at work...)

 

I feel like it is not about estrangement, it is about meeting people late in life (25+) when people have already sunk into their work, routines etc. It wasn't an issue in the past because people would be married by that age. But now we need to be creative (sounds more positive that degrading haha)

 

I feel that meeting a person outside of OLD is more organic because you can immediately feel the energy, have a natural conversation that isn't limited to polite pleasantries people usually exchange on dating sites. Like if you meet on a concert, you can talk about the music, the surroundings - you don't even need to start giving out information about yourself. The conversation can have its own course.

 

On OLD it's always the same questions, always the same phrases everyone uses. "How are you? How was your day? What plans do you have for the weekend? How is your summer going so far?". Over and over again. And I did try to shake things up by starting to ask random questions, but it's just not natural for most guys.

 

Also, there's something special about a person just randomly clicking with you. Someone you haven't selected from hundreds of others by browsing through their profiles.

 

I used Tinder because it has most users here in my area. It's really popular. And it had more foreign users which other sites didn't have. The other ones you mentioned are not for free and I refuse to pay that much for a chance to find love. I just find something degrading in it, as if we people have gotten so far into estrangement and inability to connect in simple ways that we need to pay to have any chance at all.

But Tinder is degrading too and I've realized that now.

[Springsummer]

I am giving up...

[Gaeta]

You do as you wish and do what feels right to you. I am not going to debate what is best. I have met my bf online and he's a man of integrity but it took me a long time to find him.

 

As for if you do nothing the love of your life will find you? No, I do not beleive that at all. I think in life when you want something you need to go for it. I was single for 10 years at some point and no one ever came down knocking at my door to invite me out on a date. I am very attractive and all but it's not in people's habit anymore to approach each other in public.

 

Example: There was this handsome man my age taking the bus each morning with me. We checked each other often but none of us was making a step forward. One day I saw his profile on POF. I sent him a message and right away we went into joking about having noticed each other in the bus but too stupid to make a move.

[Maggie4]

Hi Lorenza, I think if I am going to do online dating now, I would simply browse for an interesting guy and just say to him "hey are you free this weekend?" and ask him to meet me somewhere for a specific event like sports, exhibition or concert, and just enjoy the activity. Maybe make a new friend. No pressure.

 

Ha ha the CPR story is that I was snorkeling in Hawaii and got caught in big waves. I'm a poor swimmer and was being taken out further and further from shore rather quickly. I don't know why I lost consciousness. When I came to, a good looking guy was kneeling beside me! How cool was that, huh? But he looked so serious almost frightened and later told me I wasn't breathing when he fished me up. We had a LDR but I'm not good at that so it didn't work out.

[Lorenza]

I'm not saying "letting love find you" equals sitting at home waiting for someone to come knocking on your door. I meant more like getting exposed to social situations that aren't initially thought to be about finding a partner.

 

For example going on meetups that are meant to bring like-minded people together, for example improvisation theatre, karaoke, vegan cooking etc. I'd like to go there with a different state of mind, just to enjoy the company and get to know more people as opposed to being focused on dating.

 

When you meet someone online and you decide to go meet him, there's a specific purpose for that meeting which I don't like. I'd like to meet my special someone in neutral circumstances. Maybe I'll have a better chance at finding an artistic quirky guy who doesn't have emotional issues

[niji]

I, too, met my fiance online. I consider myself extremely lucky, not because I met him online, but because I met him period.

 

I firmly believe in probability. Where would I meet someone who shares the same lifestyle, interests and values as me in real life when I'm extremely antisocial (dislike parties and gathering, which kind of rules out hobbies group meets. Ironic isn't it). Neither of us go to clubs, bars, we don't drink, and enjoy our hobbies at home by ourselves (now with each other). There was no way we could have met in real life, and OLD gave me the opportunity to meet someone who's so compatible with me from the start.

 

Tinder is mostly for hookups, regardless of how many marriages come out of it, it's not the best place to look if you're not looking for anything casual. Also I never responded to the "hey beautiful" or anything that shows they haven't read my profile, only clicking on the first thing that resembles a female profile pic. OLD is low-effort, low-pressure, but you still get out what you put in. It took us 10 minutes worth of conversation before he asked me to meet in person. That way I don't see how it was any different from bumping into him at a coffee shop, except this time I knew he was single and looking to date me (at least by his own report). Not in a complicated relationship, not "taking things slow" or "trying to be friends first". Been burned that way as well.

 

And I don't believe in "stop looking, you'll find it" type thing. I was single for 6 years before meeting my fiance, because I wasn't looking. The whole "look and you'll find" is way too simple for most folks and I realize I'm one of the few lucky ones (spent only a month on OLD before meeting him, ignored every one before him, he was my first date in 6 years and it worked out). However, you can be sure that ain't no money will be dropping on your lawn if you don't look.

 

Bottom line is, OLD or IRL, it is what you make of it. I knew for me, the chance of meeting someone like me is slim, because I have an aversion for social gathering.

[elaine567]

If you are giving up OLD then what are you replacing it with?

If you know of a place with a steady stream of available suitable males from which to choose then fine, but if you are just gong to work, eat, and sleep and expect Prince Charming to find you, you are going to eat a lot of ready meals for one over the years, I guess.

[Lorenza]

If you are giving up OLD then what are you replacing it with?

If you know of a place with a steady stream of available suitable males from which to choose then fine, but if you are just gong to work, eat, and sleep and expect Prince Charming to find you, you are going to eat a lot of ready meals for one over the years, I guess.

 

I think I answered that in my previous post

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

When you meet someone online and you decide to go meet him, there's a specific purpose for that meeting which I don't like. I'd like to meet my special someone in neutral circumstances. Maybe I'll have a better chance at finding an artistic quirky guy who doesn't have emotional issues

 

Yeah, I feel this way about OLD, too. Puts a certain type of pressure on it from the start--a pressure that usually doesn't exist when you meet someone organically.

[Bastile]

I prefer to place emphasis on developing as a person. If you find OLD is halting your development in any way, or is perhaps even retrograde, then there's no doubt that it's time to call it a day.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Sorry for yet another topic, but this time I'm here with a different question that, hopefully, some of you will find relatable.

 

I've been thinking a lot about the dating culture and how people find each other nowadays. Have myself been using Tinder and some other popular platforms frequented by many users, both locals and from other cities. I even had a lot of interesting matches and encounters that eventually didn't hook me up. I virtually ran into two of my exes and saw some other people I know.

 

But the longer I'm using all those dating platform the more hollow the whole thing feels. After all, this method of meeting the love of your life is completely unnatural, inorganic and quite shallow (especially Tinder).No wonder there's an enormous distance among people and everyone's easily replaceable.

 

I started feeling that I don't want to meet someone through an app based on choosing people like clothes in an online shopping catalog. Then it's easy to pick on any flaw, return the product and continue shopping. I'd like my story to be more than that.

 

My question is - is it reasonable for me to shut that door? I don't usually have many opportunities to meet new men, especially the type of men that I find compelling. My schedule doesn't leave too much time for activities, thought I could squeeze something in, in worst case.

 

Also - do you believe that love comes to you when you stop looking for it?

 

I'd gladly hear some stories of forum members meeting their SO outside of OLD (but in recent years)

 

That's another thing I forgot to mention - meeting people outside of OLD is much more relaxed and you're not entirely too focused on achieving your goal of finding the right partner. You can just take an opportunity to get to know someone, without having expectations. If you meet someone from a dating site, the meeting already has a "purpose" and it changes the whole dynamics of it.

 

By the way I also want to hear the CPR story

 

Most people who use dating sites are presumably looking for a romantic partner. The auspices of which you create is what makes your meeting more or less relaxing, not necessarily that it is OLD. If I meet up with someone just to hang out and w/o romantic interest, of course it will be easier.

 

Many people use OLD as a catalog to peruse and pick and choose. Use and dispose. Not everyone does this. I do not. There are people who, obviously, want a genuine relationship and get the heck off the site. So, OLD does makes us a little more cynical and uncertain for sure, but one's attitude, visceral attitude towards relationships and people is what defines how you treat people. I've know people who have dated in so-called IRL who also 'pick-up' and throw away. It's in attitude.

[SwordofFlame]

Well think about why you turned to OLD in the first place and why most people turn to it. It's because you're not having success meeting someone offline. If you're a very social person who has no trouble making new friends, acquaintances and attracting men offline, you probably wouldn't need OLD in the first place. It doesn't sound like you're that type of person. I guess it doesn't hurt to try to change and be more social though. Good luck.