Brokenheart081589 Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) Hi All, I'll try to make this long story as short as possible. I'm having so much trouble getting over a relationship that I have known was bad from the start and I'm pretty mad at myself. My background: I'm 37 and I have been divorced for 3 and a half years after a 15 year marriage. I got married at 18 and we had 4 children together. He was in the military and we divorced in a state in which I have no family. It was a bad marriage and a horrendous divorce. He won custody of our children after I had stayed home with them our entire marriage mostly because when we divorced I had a full-time job and I went to school full time as well. I still do actually. He is able to be home with the kids more. Needless to say, this is the first time I have ever lived alone. It's been a very hard time. 2 years ago I started seeing a man who I knew was wrong from the start. We have always been on again off again, but when my kids moved in with their father after the custody was finally awarded to him, this man and I kind of settled down and got more serious. Or as serious as he could get. I stayed at his house every night except the few nights I have my children. We did stuff on the weekends usually with his family. I had stuff that I kept at his place. It almost felt like it might work out and I actually let myself feel the feelings for him. This went on for 4 months or so and then he started slipping back into his old bachelor ways. I started to feel like he only wanted me around because I cooked, cleaned, etc for him and I called him out on it. His response was "I'm not really feeling this, but I like having you around." Well, enough said. I cut off contact for a month or so and we have gone back to the on and off again thing ever since. Now, I know I don't want to be with this man. Period. I don't like the way he's treated me. I deserve better. I feel like I am smarter than to let a man who has shown me I mean nothing to him, hurt me over and over again. I am about to graduate college. I have a month long practicum and I will be working 80 hours a week for the next 4 weeks. I will be spending 8 hours a night alone at my regular job and I want to use this time to really try to heal and stop this cycle of on again off again with someone I know I don't really want to be with. I thought maybe this site would lend me some support in that. I'm terribly lonely and I know I am still hurting from the blow of my ex getting custody of our kids. It makes me feel like a terrible mother and I think that the crappy relationship with this other man was just a distraction for the real pain I am dealing with. Edited June 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Whodatdog Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 I dont understand how you lose custody of your kids just because you now have a full time job and go to school. There has to be more to this story.
Marc878 Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 As long as you stay with the loser you won't be able to move on to better. You can't be that hard up
preraph Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 Did you not get an attorney? Because you did nothing wrong to lose your kids. Lots of people work and raise kids. But that said, to get them back, you WILL need an attorney. And you may as well wait until this 80 hr a week grind is over and until you have a job that isn't that many hours but regular 40 hours a week or whatever and you may also need to make enough money for daycare or nanny. But unless you have something like addiction, it is very rare for kids to be taken away. So you get past this long shift and then get an attorney and a regular job and go after the kids. Meanwhile, you are too busy for a relationship anyway, so I know you're lonely but picking a warm body is going to also prevent you from getting custody back. You can't have strange men in and out of their home. That will count against you. You have to keep the men out of the home for at least about six months until you know them better and the Court does care about that. So you date but not at home. And you do not move one in at all. The chances of one of them being molested goes up 35 percent just from having a male in the home. So make a plan. Graduate -- and congratulations. Get a job you can raise kids with and have some money. Get all that squared away, hire an attorney, and go back and get custody. If they sit where they are long, the court will say not to disrupt them. So get to it. You don't want full custody, just joint custody and that is what nearly all custody battles end up in so that's why I say you must have not had an attorney or had a crap one. With joint custody, you can still manage to either work some overtime or have some leisure and also date more easily because he has them half the time.
Author Brokenheart081589 Posted June 23, 2017 Author Posted June 23, 2017 We fought over custody and he was awarded physical custody and I am the non custodial parent. I'm most cases, not all, custody goes to the mother. My ex fought that as he was entitled to and he won because he is off in the evening to be home with them. I have them every other weekend and one night a week every other week. So we have basically reveresed roles than what would be customary. When I left him I was making 8 dollars an hour and he had signed his GI bill over to me. So going to school full time helped me make ends meet because you get an allowance from the VA every month. It really was the only way I could afford to live without getting a second job. I just saw going to school as my second job per say. Usually when the mother doesn't have custody it is frowned and looked down upon. People have judged me in ways I have never been judged before which really adds to the hurt and shame of my situation.
Author Brokenheart081589 Posted June 23, 2017 Author Posted June 23, 2017 I'm sorry, let me clarify. It is joint custody. He just has sole physical. I am definitely new to all this lingo. I never had been around any kind of courtroom or lawyer at anything in my life before all of this. I've only had one speeding ticket ever! I definitely don't bring men around my children! They met this guy after I had known him for a year, so no rushing at all! I did not have a very aggressive attorney and I didn't have much money to fight with. While it was a horrible divorce, I don't think my ex is a terrible father or anything. The kids seem happy and because of that, I'm thankful. I'm not trying to change their situation but it still hurts.
springy Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) I see no reason why a good father shouldn't get a fair shot at raising his kids, as the court system is typically very biased in favor of mothers. I personally know of a couple of fathers that have done a fine job raising their kids after getting custody, and it was not because mom was unfit...so OP I do not judge you for that although I understand the stigma attached to this outcome and the shame associated with it. My cousin lost custody of her kids because the man she married was in the military and they had to move out of state. The judge decided dad should keep the girls because he was closest to the majority of their family members. He has done a fine job with those girls but my cousin's heart ached for many years over that. Sorry - I just don't see why good dads shouldn't get a fair chance. They are just as much his kids as they are mom's. Just my opinion. Got off track there - You go complete no contact, block his number, block him everywhere - get extreme about it. Your loneliness may be soothed somewhat by getting involved in activities outside of your home - volunteer, join clubs that you are interested in, pick up a new hobby, etc. Start giving your time to others who are in need and it may help pull you out of the rut. Maybe a little counseling for the shame you are experiencing. You can't carry that forever. Don't let loneliness and desperation make your relationship decisions when you know it's toxic. You can overcome it but it's going to take some serious will power and effort to "get outside of yourself" if that makes sense. There are a lot of ways you can give to others in need, and that may help fill up some of that loneliness. Edited June 23, 2017 by springy
preraph Posted June 24, 2017 Posted June 24, 2017 What you have isn't joint custody and once you finish your education and are making more money, you get a different attorney and go for joint custody where it's 50/50. Get a family practice attorneys so you know they are the right kind. I do think as long as you get done with school and get a decent job, assuming he too is working full time, you should get them half the time. Meanwhile, in a way, this is very convenient so that you can finish your school and job hunt and all that, but be quick about it. Yes, people judge. A man should get a fair shot, but not if he hasn't been the primary caretaker as far as watching the kids, cooking for them, cleaning up after them. Whoever does that is the primary caretaker, regardless of money. People judge because here in the US a person generally only doesn't get joint custody if one or the other doesn't want the kids half the time which happens a lot with men, and then when someone is violent or an addict. So that's why people judge you. Tell them you were going to school and working for a better future and that it wasn't fair and you had a bad attorney. Even violent parents and addicts/alcoholics are given ample opportunity to rehabilitate and regain custody by passing drug screens, etc, taking anger management, whatever the court recommends. 1
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