LonelyJedi Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 I am sure everyone is familiar with my story, but just in case: FULL STORY Short Version: - We are both 24yrs old now, she left a week before our birthdays. - We have been together for 6yrs, and planned on getting married at the end of the year. She chased me all those years ago because she really liked me. - She has a tendency to put family/friends before me because she said she always wants to "please everyone". So I would always tell her that we need to only be concerned with us and make each other happy. - I have noticed that since our engagement, our arguments got more intense than they should have been. I am wondering if it has to do with the fact her mother said "I wish I could be happy for you" (when she found out my ex was engaged to me). - She said that in stressful situations, she often has "fight or flight" responses and almost always chooses "flight". I would encourage her that we can "fight" together and she doesn't need to run away all the time. She always told me she appreciated that and loved me. - She would often go through "phases" (as I called them) because she would find interest in doing something, then all of sudden stop doing it and move on to the next big thing. I believe this was done in an effort to "fit in". - After she left, she has done everything that she said she didn't like to do. She completely dropped out of school (parents didn't like her going), started drinking/going out with her old co-workers (who I thought she didn't like), etc. She has betrayed everything she stood for. All of these things she is doing is what her mother has always wanted her to do. Perhaps she chose her family over me? It hurts to think that... - She has also begun a total social media PURGE. All of our pictures together, statuses, events, you name have all disappeared. It is like the last 5yrs of our lives never happened. Even the most innocent of statuses she posted years ago, "Seeing a movie with <my name>!" was deleted within hours. She left me on March 24th, 2017. She apparently got a new BF "officially" on May 20th. All of our mutual friends (who are just my friends now) have been in non-stop shock since she left, including myself. I have not heard a peep from her since she left, she has been very cruel to me when she broke up with me. All of my friends/family/fellow posters say that she is no good for me and that I should not want her back, but I still do. It frustrates me! Emotionally, I still love her... miss her... want her back... attracted to her... etc. Logically, I don't think I want her back. Her issues are probably deeper than I think, but then I doubt myself again and think "Maybe those issues were caused by me!" or "I made the issues worse by doing/saying <this>!" I just don't know what is true anymore. Did she lie when she told me this? Did she really mean it when she told me that? Is she just emotionally unstable? Did my small mistakes (I think??) just keep piling up to the point where she couldn't take it anymore? She has made mistakes too (or so I think??). People, including my therapist, has told me that my ex doesn't seem to forgive anybody. My therapist calls my ex a "ticket tracker". Suicidal thoughts come & go... When people tell me about their future plans... "At the end of the year, I plan on doing <this>", "Next year, I'll be doing this!", my first thoughts in my head are always, "I might not be here when that time comes" or "If I make it that far". I tried taking an anti-depressant a month ago, my depression intensified and my thoughts started to literally make my heart race. I will never do that again. So many unanswered questions, I thought I was a good boyfriend/fiance... considering our relationship lasted for so long (5.5yrs). When will I start to improve? When will my ex-fiance ever talk to me again? Will I ever see her again? Will I live the happy life that I dreamed of, with my ex-fiance? I had everything in my life checked off my list and I was truly happy with my life: ✓ Dream/Stable Job ✓ College Degree ✓ Financially Stable/No Debt ✓ Own a nice House ✓ Wife (lined up) -- she ripped this one away from me. Now I am scrambling to try and get my life back to where it was 4 months ago, before my parents leave the state for good for their retirement. I will truly be all alone then I feel crushed & broken... I am no longer the man I once was. This is not the reality I wanted to live in.
Marc878 Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 Get out of the victim chair. This does you no good. Many go through this and come out ok. It's up to you. 3
SevenCity Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 I can't speak for anyone but myself (ex left after 7 years), but the 3 month mark was especially tough.It was at that point that the reality she was not coming back set in. Before that, I clung onto hope that she would and was willing to take her with open arms to stop the pain. If not for the responsibility of taking care of my dog I would have ended my life - it was that bad. I lost 40 lbs in the first month or two and could not sleep but a few hours a night. When I did all I had was nightmares and my life was a living hell. My chest hurt so bad I had a battery of tests run by a cardiologist sure that I was going to have a heart attack (they found nothing - which made me realize whey they call it heart break). I know all too well that two seconds when you wake up and feel good then the reality of your situation comes crashing down on you like a ton of bricks. I feel for you man. This is not all your fault and it sounds like she did choose her family over you. It takes two to ruin a relationship. You have some fault, as does she. It's ok to be sad. Let the emotions run through you. If you bottle them up they will just resurface and take longer to pass. I cried for months until one day I ran out of tears. I started to get accustomed to my newly single life and looked back on my RL and realize she had some pretty deep issues that were not my fault. I also took responsibility for what I did wrong (which I only discovered through research about female behavior) and declared I would not make the same mistakes again with the next girl. I wanted to take the break up as an opportunity to grow. I'm at about 10 months post and feeling much better than I was even 3 months ago. I still think about her but the debilitating pain is no longer there. It's sad as what we had was something neither of us experienced ( we are in our 40s), but nothing more I can do. To answer your questions: When will I start to improve? - Everyone has a different timeline. But once you accept she is never coming back and start to live your own life it will begin. Get out and date as soon as you can and start meeting / sleeping with other women. I've taken years or months. Really depends on how much you loved her. When will my ex-fiance ever talk to me again? - No one knows. You may or you may not. She may come running back or you may never hear from her again. If she comes running back do you really want to be her Plan B because things didn't work out with her BF? She may also contact you trying to be friends - avoid at all costs. Will I ever see her again? - You may or you may not. Proceed as if the latter. She is dead to you. Be sad, but realize the girl you knew is gone. It sucks, but you will get through it to the point of one day you'll wonder why you ever even cared. Best of luck bro..it's a long tough road but you'll eventually come out a head. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 Get out of the victim chair. This does you no good. Many go through this and come out ok. It's up to you. Totally agree. It's certainly okay to be sad and grieve your loss, but you have to be careful not to drown in self-pity too. 1
jamili Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 3 months is only the beginning. Its normal to feel like #$%& still, it takes a long time to heal if you really loved the person. Sounds like your life is going well otherwise, which is a good thing. You are 24 now, your life is just beginning. You have a enormous amount of growing and learning to do in your mid 20s, and this is part of that learning experience. Hang in there and date other women. And the posters above me are right- avoid falling into the self pity trap. Your life is pretty sweet, and it just got sweeter actually, because now you are freed up to actually meet the girl for you! Exciting time, actually!
Maldives Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 I can't speak for anyone but myself (ex left after 7 years), but the 3 month mark was especially tough.It was at that point that the reality she was not coming back set in. Before that, I clung onto hope that she would and was willing to take her with open arms to stop the pain. If not for the responsibility of taking care of my dog I would have ended my life - it was that bad. I lost 40 lbs in the first month or two and could not sleep but a few hours a night. When I did all I had was nightmares and my life was a living hell. My chest hurt so bad I had a battery of tests run by a cardiologist sure that I was going to have a heart attack (they found nothing - which made me realize whey they call it heart break). I know all too well that two seconds when you wake up and feel good then the reality of your situation comes crashing down on you like a ton of bricks. I feel for you man. This is not all your fault and it sounds like she did choose her family over you. It takes two to ruin a relationship. You have some fault, as does she. It's ok to be sad. Let the emotions run through you. If you bottle them up they will just resurface and take longer to pass. I cried for months until one day I ran out of tears. I started to get accustomed to my newly single life and looked back on my RL and realize she had some pretty deep issues that were not my fault. I also took responsibility for what I did wrong (which I only discovered through research about female behavior) and declared I would not make the same mistakes again with the next girl. I wanted to take the break up as an opportunity to grow. I'm at about 10 months post and feeling much better than I was even 3 months ago. I still think about her but the debilitating pain is no longer there. It's sad as what we had was something neither of us experienced ( we are in our 40s), but nothing more I can do. To answer your questions: When will I start to improve? - Everyone has a different timeline. But once you accept she is never coming back and start to live your own life it will begin. Get out and date as soon as you can and start meeting / sleeping with other women. I've taken years or months. Really depends on how much you loved her. When will my ex-fiance ever talk to me again? - No one knows. You may or you may not. She may come running back or you may never hear from her again. If she comes running back do you really want to be her Plan B because things didn't work out with her BF? She may also contact you trying to be friends - avoid at all costs. Will I ever see her again? - You may or you may not. Proceed as if the latter. She is dead to you. Be sad, but realize the girl you knew is gone. It sucks, but you will get through it to the point of one day you'll wonder why you ever even cared. Best of luck bro..it's a long tough road but you'll eventually come out a head. Sevencity I can so relate to ur posts. I think me and u r about the same age and experience...5 heartbreaks for me including 1 marriage lol of 10 yrs. I think wat i have to really try and conquer is the fact if they do return. U r right about the plan b. And I've experienced it wth mt ex wife. She came back and went hot and cold I guess trying to figure out for herself wat she wanted. They come back wen the dating pools not so good or they haven't met anyone better to connect wth. Or like my ex wife a way for them to maje up there mind. I would love to know how many actually come back because of love and realising how wrong they were. That played wth my head so bad wen my ex wife came back and then left again. I'd just started a new relationship and even though it wasn't as connected as my ex wife she was a good girl and I was having fun. I was in a really good place. Then, I felt like as at aquire one again wth my healing wth my ex wife and it took yrs again to finally get over it. I think Sevencity is right. I should have known better too as I'd in the past tried to run away from the pain. It only prolongs the healing and eventually catches up wth u. Sevencity is right u need to just feel the feelings and let them come and go as they like. There's no consistency to em wither. One day I feel ur healed then a few days later ur feeling the loss then u get angry and round and round it goes till eventually all that memory and pain has left the body and mind and ur ok again. For me if I really loved someone it has generally taken me two to 3 yrs to get over eme. That's not to say that'll take that amount of time for ureself but for me more so. Count ur blessings if she doesn't return after the stunt she pulled. Like my most recent ex, u may not notice it now but ull see later down the track the way they went about the break up ito not the best way to go about it if there thinking reconciliation later on there's too much hurt and damage done. Ur wanting her just like me to stop the pain. Try and remember this....how can u expect the person who broke u in peices to build u back up again ...Anyway good luck and I know all u want is probably her to return part of me wants the same and it's been 9 mths but I know deep down in side it's probably not gonna be a good thinfit because of all the trust issues we'd have. How cld I ever trust her again to not do the same thing wen she's already done it and u can't. That's why I wonder what the percentage of couples that break up get back together again and it works i never see it written on these boards only one poster I've seen this on here and there's been no update how that's gone. The majority tho wen they come back they leave again. And that's been my experience too
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