confused4831 Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 Sorry in advance for the long post, I'm not sure how to feel and would love all the advice and opinions I can get... So, I started dating this girl Sam about a few years ago. I was 23, she was 26 and this was my first ever relationship. I had been out on dates and had opportunities to get into a relationship, though I was always anxious/nervous about it.. Anyway, Sam and I got a long pretty great for a few weeks. We spent quite a bit of time with one another and I would stay at her house 4-5 times per week. About a week and a half into our relationship, another friend of hers started to have feelings for her (we will call him Tim). They were pretty good friends before her and I dated. Sam told me that at first she was interested in him, but he never made a move, so they stayed friends and she moved on... I told her I was uncomfortable with her and Tim talking and and uncomfortable with them remaining friends; She said she wouldn't talk to him anymore, though I felt extremely awkward - I couldn't tell her who she could and couldn't be friends with. That didn't stop him though... He bought her flowers a few times, then randomly showed up to her work one day and said he loved her blah blah blah. They apparently talked for an hour in her office at work, then she called me right after.. I was shocked and didn't know what to say on the phone (the audacity of this guy!?). I went to her place that night and we talked about it, she was clearly trying to push me out of the relationship that night, she made up her mind that she wanted to be with Tim instead. Regardless I ended up breaking up with her.. Sam and I were together maybe three weeks...... I tried to talk with her a week later, I thought I might be able to pull her head out of her ass, though she still chose Tim... Fast forward two years, I have more relationship experience now and looking back I would have handled the whole thing differently ... But now I find out that Sam and Tim have broken up, but they remained friends. They were together for 10 months before She ended it. I knew Sam did not like the way things ended with us and knew she felt bad about the way she handled it. I asked her out for drinks one night, just to catch up and see where things went ( I was recently out of a relationship and felt a little lonely). It ended up being a pretty great night, we both connected and she really apologized for what she did. It was all very genuine. ..We are dating again now and we get along great, just like the first time! We've been going pretty strong for 4 months. We've talked a lot about what happened and why. She tells me that Her and Tim didn't officially date for a week after we broke up because she still had feelings for me, though they were with each other a lot that week. She said she was stupid for thinking what her and Tim had was real. She said the first three months of their relationship were great, but after the newness wore off it was like they just went back to being friends. She said she felt like she was single for the last three months of their relationship because he didn't put in any effort, he wouldn't even notice she had left his house. She was very alone for the majority of their relationship. I don't think Sam and I would have worked out the first time, I wasn't mature enough and she still needed to figure out what she needed in a relationship. It was bad timing and a ****ty circumstance that I got the brunt of. Still though, I can't kick the feeling that I am her second choice, she wanted to be with Tim.. NOT ME! And they even remained friends after they dated, she obviously has some connection to him. I might feel different had she not lied to me the first time around. She looked me in the eye and said she would not talk with Tim, yet a week later she was in his arms. I can tell now she is genuinely sorry and wants to make things right, but to make things more complicated, she slept with a coworker after she broke up with Tim and she sees this coworker on a regular basis, which obviously I am uncomfortable with. I know she did it because she felt alone and wanted that physical closeness, though that doesn't settle my nerves. She knows to have a successful relationship with me, she is going to have to quit her job, though she is very hesitant to do that. Regardless of all of this, part of me wonders how much she actually cares, it feels like she loves me now... I can feel the love from her, but am I her backup plan? I can't shake this feeling that what she really wants is a guy like Tim, not a guy like me. .. I will admit that from what I can gather, Tim and I are similar in a few ways (which just pisses me off even more) and another part of me wonders if she is just saying these things to make me feel better, not necessarily because they are true. Any advice of any kind would be great.. Am I her second choice?
usa1ah Posted June 24, 2017 Posted June 24, 2017 Wow, she needs to quit her job just to date you? Sorry but, no she doesn't. If you can't trust her then move on and let her find someone that isn't so insecure about them self.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 24, 2017 Posted June 24, 2017 Yes, you were her second choice. I would not try to revive this. It probably won't work the second time around either. Needing to quit her job to be with you is a gigantic red flag that there is no trust, and without that, there's really no point trying to move things forward with her.
Marc878 Posted June 24, 2017 Posted June 24, 2017 A lot of baggage around this. I think I'd either non exclusively date her for fun or just move on.
staggerlee71 Posted June 24, 2017 Posted June 24, 2017 Aside from all the baggage and insecurity, We are all second Choices unless we married our first girlfriend and stayed until death.
fred123 Posted June 24, 2017 Posted June 24, 2017 Aside from all the baggage and insecurity, We are all second Choices unless we married our first girlfriend and stayed until death. Doesnt really help lol
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