Turning the tables [after an affair]

[Mrs. John Adams]

Not meant to be a critical post so please don't take it as so. It is meant as more of an observation.

 

I don't think any tables have been turned. All that is happening is that you are facing the reality of your wife's affair. Your wife is no doubt guessing, probably correctly, that if she returned to the slightly grudging LD partner you had before after indulging in 'wild monkey sex' with her AP you'd be gone in a flash.

 

And you are just dealing with the usual shet sandwich that a BS has to deal with.

 

The only weapon you have at your disposal is time, although time can be a double edged sword. I have no idea of the percentages but a fair few BS battle through the first few years of reconciliation but seem to reach a tipping point where they say "why the frick am I doing this?" and get divorced.

 

I don't think your situation and thoughts are in any way unusual but I am concerned that the longer you continue to think like this the more likely you are to call a halt to your marriage. The alternative, which you've dismissed, is that at some point when you're feeling particularly aggrieved you have some kind of affair of your own whilst on one of your business trips.

You have many many months to go before you are out of the woods I'm afraid.

 

Let me say this one more time

 

No where has Overtaxed called his wife LOWDRIVE....she is LOWER DRIVE than HE IS...AND she did not have Monkey sex with the AP...Good God can you people READ??????

 

It has been OTHER posters who have SPECULATED about their relationship and posted those SPECULATIONS....no where do you see Overtaxed CONFIRM that those SPECUALTIONS are accurate.

 

His wife did not have monkey sex for god's sake...

 

 

 

READ the OP's posts.

[Wade Lamare]

Let me say this one more time

 

No where has Overtaxed called his wife LOWDRIVE....she is LOWER DRIVE than HE IS...AND she did not have Monkey sex with the AP...Good God can you people READ??????

 

It has been OTHER posters who have SPECULATED about their relationship and posted those SPECULATIONS....no where do you see Overtaxed CONFIRM that those SPECUALTIONS are accurate.

 

His wife did not have monkey sex for god's sake...

 

 

 

READ the OP's posts.

 

 

Read and quoted. His first thread was called 'Low Drive Partner in Affair Fresh D-Day' so I think I'm safe in assuming that she was at least lower drive than he was.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've always been the HD partner. Pursuing wife for sex, then, finally, after enough "no", I gave up and waited for her to initiate; looking back, that was the beginning of the end (the lead up to the A), once I stopped pursuing her she thought I didn't care. I did, I just couldn't take anymore rejection.

 

Sounds fairly LD to me.

 

 

In particular, there's one sexual act that my WW did with her AP that we never did together, and, before we met, was my favorite thing to do with other women. If you told me I was dying tomorrow and had one more night with my W, this is what I'd want to do.

 

Wild Monkey Sex? Don't know, possibly a reach on my part to assume so but I'm guessing it wasn't holding hands and kissing under the apple tree.

 

 

It's is surprising to me that there was as much sex involved as there was.

 

Again I'm assuming they weren't just whispering sweet nothings to each other.

 

As mentioned in an earlier post, I think I've finally gotten very close to a full disclosure of the events leading up to and inside the affair. As other posters had suggested, there was more sexual contact than initially disclosed, including one thing that we've never done.

 

Sex a few times in a single day was one of the biggies that I knew about already and she had not disclosed, she finally came clean about this during the "get out" discussion.

 

Huh huh, yep.

 

 

Not as much "wild monkey sex" as I was prepared to hear.

 

Let's be fair, he brought up wild monkey sex before I did. And the words 'as much' indicate to me that there was some.

 

I agree (although it wasn't our bed, it was however our house which is 99% as bad IMHO). The way she acted, the things she did.

 

"The way she acted, the things she did" Sounds like there may have been some rampant sex involved.

 

*Shrugs* I dunno, having to pursue a wife for sex who continually says "no" and then finally giving up looks to me like a classic low drive partner.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Read and quoted. His first thread was called 'Low Drive Partner in Affair Fresh D-Day' so I think I'm safe in assuming that she was at least lower drive than he was.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sounds fairly LD to me.

 

 

 

 

 

Wild Monkey Sex? Don't know, possibly a reach on my part to assume so but I'm guessing it wasn't holding hands and kissing under the apple tree.

 

 

 

 

Again I'm assuming they weren't just whispering sweet nothings to each other.

 

 

 

Huh huh, yep.

 

 

 

 

Let's be fair, he brought up wild monkey sex before I did. And the words 'as much' indicate to me that there was some.

 

 

 

"The way she acted, the things she did" Sounds like there may have been some rampant sex involved.

 

*Shrugs* I dunno, having to pursue a wife for sex who continually says "no" and then finally giving up looks to me like a classic low drive partner.

 

 

 

I stand corrected...you are right....my apologies

He certainly did say the things you have quoted here on Loveshack. I will even thank you for pointing them out to me....becasue it certainly has changed my mind about a few things.

[Wade Lamare]

I stand corrected...you are right....my apologies

He certainly did say the things you have quoted here on Loveshack. I will even thank you for pointing them out to me....becasue it certainly has changed my mind about a few things.

 

 

Let me be clear.

 

I'm not necessarily saying you are wrong, just pointing out that given the information supplied it is easy to jump to that conclusion.

 

I suspect that the truth lies somewhere between. She was low drive but not nearly as low drive as some.

 

Also there does sound as though there was some degree of wild sex involved and things they hadn't done together but perhaps not nearly as bad as some of the horror stories you see that other BS have to deal with.

 

Anyway, perhaps I shouldn't speculate as this could detract from OP's thread.

[Overtaxed]

That'll teach me to get off LS for a day.

 

OK, let me set a few things straight here. If you notice, not to go all into semantics here, but I believe in my thread I put WMS (tired of typing it out) in quotes. Because that was something I heard here often, and something I was told to prepare for. Not because that's what I called it or thought of it. Mrs. JA is right, I have the details now, and the shocking part was the frequency, not really the specific acts. Pretty normal stuff, I've shared it with a few posters privately (the actual details) and most of what I got was a shrug. Nothing "crazy" or Youporn worthy, just standard sex. It did happen to include one thing that was/is important to me that we hadn't done before (and she knew I wanted to do) which was a real blow, and, when that hammer dropped, I probably wasn't as careful with my words as I should or could have been.

 

Now to the question that was the real source of contention. Is she low drive? Well, compared to me, yes, she is. Compared to what I hear from most other men, we have WMS. (see, using it in a good connotation). She's never been terribly interested in sex, but, honestly, from my experience with women, she's not terrible high or low. Yes, I had WMS with other women before her that were trying to impress, then, after you settle down, so does the WMS and frequency. I don't see her as dramatically different than other women; if anything, the thing she has been with me is "consistent". She never portrayed herself to be a very sexual person to me, even early in our relationship. And before the "she never loved you" or "she only wanted your money" brigade jumps in, I don't believe the first, and I didn't have any when we met. I think she was being more reserved with her sexuality with me to make sure I was really "into her" and not just there for the sex. Unfortunately, that became a pattern that we never broke, I assume she thought I was happy with it (and, I mostly was; it was always sad that she didn't want me as much as I wanted her sexually, but, again, I'm a numbers guy, and I know what other men deal with in this department, so I counted myself as lucky to have what I did) and didn't feel the need to ever "impress" like she did for other men or the AP.

 

Here's the thing, and I honestly believe this to be 100% true. If I met her today, we were attracted to one another and slept together, I have no doubt that we would have done exactly what she did with the AP. I am 99% sure this is "baggage" from the sex we've had for the past 13 years, she's gotten in a rut (and so have I, hence this thread), and the A is forcing both of us out of it. But was the AP who awakened something in her? I don't believe that. Was she attracted to him and wanted to have sex, yes, she was, no doubt. But I don't, for a second, believe it was him, it was the situation and the nature of the relationship; like most A's, it went from nothing but compliments in the beginning to basically a relationship that revolved around sex. So, of course there was a lot of sex, that's what most A's really are folks. As was said, very few men are going to pursue an A to sit under the apple tree and hold hands. They want sex, a lot of it, as much as they can take, in as short a time as possible. And the forbidden nature of that sex amps up the intensity, coupled with the periods of time in between seeing one another, it all makes sense.

 

All that said, that's the rational part of my mind. The emotional part is still in turmoil. I can soothe myself rationally with many thoughts of "why" things happened this way. There's no balm like that for the emotions. It's a raw wound, and I suspect it will be for a long time. We are working towards R and it's generally going well, but I struggle (and so does she) at times. That was the intent of this thread, talking about the HD partner suddenly racked with uncertainty and doubt in the bedroom. Something my wife, the LD partner has always said was a problem for her and I never understood; well, now it's become a problem for me.

 

Thank you for the comments and direction, it's helpful, even when it's raw and direct. I take what I need from these posts, sometimes it's good advice, , sometimes it's just a supporting word, sometimes it's a laugh, and sometimes it's a reality check. And the beauty of a forum like this is that in one thread, I'm likely to get all of them. For that I'm grateful, I can't think of another way to view this many "lenses" on a single problem, and, the way my mind works is to figure out the angles on something and then try to see if any of them fit. Some of the things posted here do fit, some do not. But they all give me a new perspective.

[knabe]

You may only be a few months out from D-day, OP, but your ability and CHOICE to be healthy instead of histrionic bitterness and negativity puts you MILES ahead of many BHs.

[Wade Lamare]

Glad that's cleared up!

 

And a very good post from you.

 

I too put WMS in quotes as I wasn't sure in what manner you meant it.

 

And yes, ultimately one persons LD is another's HD, it all depends what your personal baseline is. I've heard of married men who haven't had sex for YEARS because their wives aren't into it. The mind boggles. That is non existent drive.

 

Drive for some can be situational. My wife and I were at it like rabbits when we first got together. Then the ensuing children sort of got in the way, two tired parents, and as you mention, familiarity do not always equate with a love fest. Then we resumed where we left off once the children had largely left. Heck there have been periods in my marriage where I've been 'forbidden' to masturbate just in case I was needed to perform. Now, as we get older, we are slowing down again.

 

And WMS is also relative, one persons WMS is another's "meh". At the end of the day it's just sex.

People here point out the possibility of WMS as all too often you get BH on here typing "OMG, she did this, this and that with him, she always turned me down flat." It's often described as being due to the Madonna/(word beginning with a W I'm not allowed to type) complex. With her husband she wants to be 'the good wife' and feels too inhibited to let her 'dirty girl' persona out. With the AP she has no such bounds.

 

I think you are doing very well considering your D Day was, from your other thread, early January this year?

 

I just wonder if you are trying to run before you can walk most of the wise heads on here will nearly all say that it can take up to 3 years to adequately heal from an affair, you've had six months. Give yourself a break.

 

As a suggestion, you mention that the AP stole something from you when he and your WW did something you had wanted to do. (I know you didn't use those exact words but I'm paraphrasing.)

 

We sometimes use a website called sex info 101. We have our standard repertoire but sometimes choose a position from there to add to the evenings entertainment.

Could you, or you and your wife, choose one or two of these to make your own, something the AP didn't have? It may not work but worth a try, if nothing else it will be worth it for the entertainment value.

 

Sex Positions Guide | SexInfo101.com