Annakay Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 I have been married for 13 years to my husband. I am at a point in time where I think I don't love him anymore or not in love with him and don't feel any affection towards him like I use to. I am annoyed at the little things he does and I feel violated when he touches me. Maybe it could be just me. He is a wonderful person but I tend to find his ways of doing things and his personality is a turn off. I have been seeing a therapist for my own issues and to help me cope, but nothing the therapist says to me to try is not working. My husband and I have some issues (mainly my infidelity issues), please don't judge. We have talked to each other about it and I asked him to seek marriage counseling with me. He said he would go to counseling but have no issues with me or will not help as long as I make the appointment. That was months ago and I just don't have the energy or made it my priority. He thinks everything is fine in our relationship. We have talked before told him what I would like for him to do such as showing affection, being more compassionate, spending more time with our kids outside the house and not just playing video games or watch Youtube videos. He said everything is fine and that he's is not going to change the way he is. Maybe it's me who needs the help or I need to change but I have sacrifice a lot to provide for my family such as working full time, having a career, and now embarking on a journey of master's degree. I do this for my kids. Please your honest opinion. Thanks.
happyonislands Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 Hang in there! You have spoken with a therapist which is a great start. However, if one therapist is not working for you, please seek another that will be able to help you. Also, have you really talked to husband about how you feel? Communication is key and sometimes, as wives, we need to repeat, repeat, repeat with dear husbands. I believe any marriage relationship can be reconciled for the best. You are wonderful person and have a great husband of 13 years. That is a long time Good luck! I wish you all the best 1
Stuck2532 Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 Hi, Annakay. No judging here! Although, it sounds like your husband is very indifferent to the way you feel and is not willing to help you feel better. Are video games and youtube videos more important than his wife and kids? How stern have you been with him when talking about this? Sometimes men get into this zone of stubbornness and they need to be slapped out of it, figuratively speaking, of course. It also sounds like you resent your Husband in some way. You have sacrificed a lot for your family, work, career, meanwhile he plays videogames, and doesn't spend time with his kids. Do you still love your husband? Don't blame yourself for the way you feel. If you don't, then you don't and you can find a way to move on with your life, but feeling violated when he touches you is NOT ok... Your post sounds very conflicted between the way you feel (not loving him anymore/annoyed at the little things he does) and the things you think you should do (asking him to try couples therapy and reconciliation). Why do you want to stay in this M? 1
Davey L Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 You mention, almost in passing like it isn't really that relevant, some infidelity issues. Yet this may be fundamental to the problem. Who was unfaithful - you or him? I guess it was you but it's not 100% clear. I think you need to give some details if you are to get any useful advice. I've seen it repeatedly that women start becoming dissatisfied with their husbands when they have met another man. Is this at the root of your problems? 1
Author Annakay Posted June 23, 2017 Author Posted June 23, 2017 You mention, almost in passing like it isn't really that relevant, some infidelity issues. Yet this may be fundamental to the problem. Who was unfaithful - you or him? I guess it was you but it's not 100% clear. I think you need to give some details if you are to get any useful advice. I've seen it repeatedly that women start becoming dissatisfied with their husbands when they have met another man. Is this at the root of your problems? It was me who was unfaithful. The feelings of resentment I have towards my husband has been before my infidelity issues, which my therapist pointed out that it started after my second son was born. I am not happy about the infidelity part, and angry that I let myself do that. So I guess that I may have grown up and mature and my husband hasn't. Of course, my answer is why am I in this marriage? I don't have any definite answer but all I think about it are for my children.
SammySammy Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 Marriage is not about feeling "in love" all of the time. Having romance all of the time. That's an unrealistic expectation that's common in Western societies and it's detrimental because it puts undue pressure on the marriage. With that said, your husband is making a poor decision by not listening to you and being unwilling to change. To improve the relationship. In life, we're either moving forward or falling behind. There is no standing still. We must be constantly improving or life passes us by. Both of you need to be willing to nurture this relationship or it's going to wither and die. Refusing to change means accepting a slow, natural death. There is no growth without change. Every living thing grows ... until it begins to die. Even marriages. 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 If you are in a loveless marriage...and you are unhappy....then you need to do what is best for you. Your children will be happier with a happy mom than with a mom in an unhappy relationship. It sounds like there have been issues for quite sometime...especially since there has also been infideleity that has really never been properly addressed. I wish you luck as you examine your life and make decisions about what you should do.
Author Annakay Posted June 23, 2017 Author Posted June 23, 2017 It's the fact that I am the one who engages in everything from planning family time, dinner, cleaning, helping them with activities, etc. Yes, I do tell him to help me out and constantly telling him do things which gets very tiresome. He just don't act on his own. I know people tell me it's life, but sometimes life get the best of you. Also, when I do have some time to myself, guess what he wants? Of course I am not in a mood (ha! I guess all women says that). Sometimes I think that he doesn't think about me and I have told him that.
mercy Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 Of course I am not in a mood (ha! I guess all women says that). Sometimes I think that he doesn't think about me and I have told him that. Good husbands know that foreplay begins when they wake in the morning and continues throughout the day, then they physically touch you. How long ago was the affair? Never feels good to be treated as you are being treated. I would change therapists.
Author Annakay Posted June 23, 2017 Author Posted June 23, 2017 Good husbands know that foreplay begins when they wake in the morning and continues throughout the day, then they physically touch you. Unfortunately he doesn't do that How long ago was the affair?Over a year ago Never feels good to be treated as you are being treated. I would change therapists.I should if they didn't cost so much
mercy Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 I should if they didn't cost so much I'm sorry you don't have that option. Why do you stay, besides the kids?
Overtaxed Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 You mention, almost in passing like it isn't really that relevant, some infidelity issues. Yet this may be fundamental to the problem. Who was unfaithful - you or him? I guess it was you but it's not 100% clear. I think you need to give some details if you are to get any useful advice. I've seen it repeatedly that women start becoming dissatisfied with their husbands when they have met another man. Is this at the root of your problems? Yup. The first thing I thought reading the OP was "What's the OM's name". Your not in love with your H because you're either spending time, or fell in love with another man. That's why you feel this way. Now, your husband may not be the right person for you in addition to the cheating, you may need to move on. But you described the classic I love you but I'm not in love with you that zillions (technically speaking) of BS's here have seen before. It's because your attention is focused (or was) elsewhere. Your husband feels that and the relationship starts to fall apart. Happened to me. Happens to BS every day. Doesn't mean your husband is a bad guy, or a good guy, just means that this is likely the reason you're not in "love" with him anymore. 1
Author Annakay Posted June 23, 2017 Author Posted June 23, 2017 Good husbands know that foreplay begins when they wake in the morning and continues throughout the day, then they physically touch you. How long ago was the affair? Never feels good to be treated as you are being treated. I would change therapists. I'm sorry you don't have that option. Why do you stay, besides the kids? Maybe because I am worried about financials, I really don't know.
Author Annakay Posted June 23, 2017 Author Posted June 23, 2017 Yup. The first thing I thought reading the OP was "What's the OM's name". Your not in love with your H because you're either spending time, or fell in love with another man. That's why you feel this way. Now, your husband may not be the right person for you in addition to the cheating, you may need to move on. But you described the classic I love you but I'm not in love with you that zillions (technically speaking) of BS's here have seen before. It's because your attention is focused (or was) elsewhere. Your husband feels that and the relationship starts to fall apart. Happened to me. Happens to BS every day. Doesn't mean your husband is a bad guy, or a good guy, just means that this is likely the reason you're not in "love" with him anymore. Yes I won't denied that I do. In my other post, I felt this way of resentment towards my husband before the affair.
mercy Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 Maybe because I am worried about financials, I really don't know. Do you know why you cheated?
Author Annakay Posted June 23, 2017 Author Posted June 23, 2017 Do you know why you cheated? From what the therapist said that I was bored and confused. I might think that could be part of it but it is difficult to comprehend why or perhaps it could be for the excitement.
mercy Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 From what the therapist said that I was bored and confused. I might think that could be part of it but it is difficult to comprehend why or perhaps it could be for the excitement. What the therapist says? They only know what you tell them. So nothing has changed since before the affair. What's to stop you from having another? Seems you have a lot of resentment towards your h. Is it fair to him to stay in the marriage if you don't love him? Is it fair to you to stay in a marriage where you aren't heard?
Author Annakay Posted June 23, 2017 Author Posted June 23, 2017 No, it's not fair to either of us. It's easier to say one thing rather than doing it. Can't really say if I want to stay or go.
Davey L Posted June 24, 2017 Posted June 24, 2017 No, it's not fair to either of us. It's easier to say one thing rather than doing it. Can't really say if I want to stay or go. You need to decide or you are doomed. From your husband's point of view it must seem that you are not committed to the marriage - you had an affair and now seem only half in the marriage at best, so who can blame him for not seeming that engaged in it himself? Sure, he sounds like he has some faults. Who doesn't? When we are in love we are happy to overlook soon faults and know that the good points offset the bad. The trouble with becoming involved with another is that we start seeing only the faults and comparing them only with the good parts of the new person, whose own faults have not yet been fully revealed to us. Then we start looking back at times before the affair and picking over the bad parts in the past too, until we end up convinced that our husband or wife was never satisfactory. If you want this marriage to work then you need to be engaged in it 100% and have some understanding as to how your husband might be feeling only a year after your affair, which you seem so dismissive of. 1
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