Did my affair destroy our compatibility?

[DKT3]

Yes. You're right. The affair destroyed him. But my point is that the confession or how he found out doesn't matter one bit. There is no nobility or honor in confessing. And before you say I'm saying, don't confess, that's not what I'm saying at all. I own what I did and I take responsibility for what I did and for me, the right thing to do FOR ME to change my behaviors and be a better person was to confess. And I also confessed FOR HIM to know all of me and decide whether he could move forward or not.

 

It does matter, does it gain you brownie points? Depends on the person I suppose. Confession sets the tone, it shows alot. It is tangible proof that you struggled with the morality of the affair, it shows that you care enough to allow him to choose.

 

Once I filed for divorce my wife became an open book, it was too late but I honestly appreciated the willingness. I often wonder if confession could have changed the next 7 or 8 years of our lives.....I will never know. I suspect it would have made a difference soon I did warm to her after almost a year of being stone cold.

[HereNorThere]

Yes. You're right. The affair destroyed him. But my point is that the confession or how he found out doesn't matter one bit. There is no nobility or honor in confessing. And before you say I'm saying, don't confess, that's not what I'm saying at all. I own what I did and I take responsibility for what I did and for me, the right thing to do FOR ME to change my behaviors and be a better person was to confess. And I also confessed FOR HIM to know all of me and decide whether he could move forward or not.

 

It does matter, just not immediately. However, the numbers do not lie. People who confess are more likely to have a successful R.

 

But there's also different reasons for confessing. In OP's case, there were already people that knew so she was going to get caught or sooner or later. It appears her confession was more a way to keep playing puppet master. She confessed so that she could control the trickle and the outcome. She wanted to hand feed him the poison, not hide it in his oatmeal.

 

Part of the nobility of confession is why you confessed in the first place.

[Birdies]

Yes. You're right. The affair destroyed him. But my point is that the confession or how he found out doesn't matter one bit. There is no nobility or honor in confessing. And before you say I'm saying, don't confess, that's not what I'm saying at all. I own what I did and I take responsibility for what I did and for me, the right thing to do FOR ME to change my behaviors and be a better person was to confess. And I also confessed FOR HIM to know all of me and decide whether he could move forward or not.

 

I'm not sure that it's true that the way they found out doesn't matter. A confession from the person you love, filled with remorse and pledges to do whatever possible to make it better - is surely better than walking in on your spouse in bed with someone else, or listening to a voicemail from another betrayed spouse spewing venom towards your (up until this moment, cherished and innocent) spouse.

 

Having been involved in both those scenarios, I can attest that a really bad situation associated with discovery DOES make things worse. It's not that confessing ups your chances of reconciliation, it's that the super harsh way of finding out lowers the chances.

Edited June 24, 2017 by Birdies

[Southern Sun]

It does matter, just not immediately. However, the numbers do not lie. People who confess are more likely to have a successful R.

 

But there's also different reasons for confessing. In OP's case, there were already people that knew so she was going to get caught or sooner or later. It appears her confession was more a way to keep playing puppet master. She confessed so that she could control the trickle and the outcome. She wanted to hand feed him the poison, not hide it in his oatmeal.

 

Part of the nobility of confession is why you confessed in the first place.

 

This is wholly untrue. What are you even talking about? I could have kept the whole charade a secret forever (I suppose). I volunteered the information bc I felt my H deserved it and I didn't want to hide behind lies.

 

Seriously - where the heck do you get your crap from?

[Southern Sun]

You two are different people now with different life experiences than you use to be.

You view yourself differently. You react to things differently. Your body language and tone of voice is probably different. Wether you hold back or engage in conversations is subtle or overtly different. You project the inner person to the world in a lot of subtle ways.

Your husband is going to react to you and the relationship in a different way now.

Even though your current line of questions, concerns, words do not mention it.

Something about your thread....

Has me wondering a little bit.....

Your current thinking pattern has an all to familiar ring to it.

Your current wayward status?

Possible relapse?

Perhaps a new possible stud/player has entered into your life?

 

Adamantly...no.

[HereNorThere]

This is wholly untrue. What are you even talking about? I could have kept the whole charade a secret forever (I suppose). I volunteered the information bc I felt my H deserved it and I didn't want to hide behind lies.

 

Seriously - where the heck do you get your crap from?

 

From your own threads! You were literally the butt of the office jokes. They even went as far as referring to you as MM's "toy" (to your face even!)

 

Once enough people know that they start coming up with nicknames for you, it was only a matter of time before you got busted.

[DKT3]

Adamantly...no.

 

Honestly SS, I thought the same thing. It just feels like you as the WW is looking for negative in your husband's behavior....I'm sure there was alot of that in your very long affair.

 

Some times we haven't made the changes and/or improvements that we believe. What we feel is different sometimes just comes across the same to others.

[deadsoul]

I'm not sure that it's true that the way they found out doesn't matter. A confession from the person you love, filled with remorse and pledges to do whatever possible to make it better - is surely better than walking in on your spouse in bed with someone else, or listening to a voicemail from another betrayed spouse spewing venom towards your (up until this moment, cherished and innocent) spouse.

 

Having been involved in both those scenarios, I can attest that a really bad situation associated with discovery DOES make things worse. It's not that confessing ups your chances of reconciliation, it's that the super harsh way of finding out lowers the chances.

 

I can totally see your point. It just sucks no matter how the person finds out, whether catching someone or hearing the confession... I still don't agree that it ups the chances for reconciliation... it just may go hand and hand because when one confesses, that shows a willingness to change behaviors and work hard for the marriage, where as getting caught is either a huge wake up call or it's the wayward's way of getting out of the marriage. But I agree that the harsh way of finding out lowers the chances... and some might say, well that's the same, but I just don't think it is.

 

I will stand by there's no nobility in confessing. No medals, no nothing. Nor should there be. And I will stand by SS not looking for validation because she confessed.

 

SS, I don't remember you getting called the office toy. Maybe that poster is mixing you up with another story. I clearly remember the post where you confessed after you had been drawn into it again.

[Southern Sun]

From your own threads! You were literally the butt of the office jokes. They even went as far as referring to you as MM's "toy" (to your face even!)

 

Once enough people know that they start coming up with nicknames for you, it was only a matter of time before you got busted.

 

First, I will just say that you come across as very unkind. I post on here for help and you feel free to ad lib and use things against me. I wasn't the butt of office jokes, but you will gladly use my new thread and assumptions from previous ones to make people think I was.

 

I know my own history better than you.

 

That situation occurred very early on. Whether other people suspected the affair at the time, I don't know. That was irrelevant by the end. And you extrapolating that I confessed so I could control the outcome and bc others knew and bc I wanted to "feed poison" to my H...I mean, it's just a bit much.

[mercy]

... I post on here for help....

 

Take what you need and leave the rest.

 

You're doing the best you can. When we know better we do better. Keep working on you.

 

Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness. Martin Luther King Jr

[deadsoul]

Take what you need and leave the rest.

 

You're doing the best you can. When we know better we do better. Keep working on you.

 

Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness. Martin Luther King Jr

 

I want to second, third, and fourth this... keep on keeping on, SS. We all have different motivations on why we post and why we respond the way we do... sometimes it becomes clear the ones we need to leave behind.

[Friskyone4u]

Southern,

 

All this speculation on confessing or being caught is just speculation. There are BH who divorce there WW for a ONS and there are BH who reconcile with serial cheaters.

I do not know the back story, but it is also useless whether or not the Om was old, young, skinny, hairy or bald, or fat. You had sex with whoever he is or was. Multiple times.

You best chance of reconciliation will be determined by actions over time period. You are smart and probably have read the literature. The odds are not in your favor. Woman are generally more willing to overlook the sex IF the WH does not emotionally fall in love with OW. For men it is just the opposite. We know you were most likely very emotionally involved and the sex is normally the deal breaker for the BH.

Only time will tell if your BH is the majority or minority. You can influence that with the proper actions but cannot control it no matter what you do.

But you must stop trying to repair the oiled marriage. It is DEAD

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ss... there is a lot of crap said around here... and none of us can predict the outcome for someone else's relationship

 

All I know is what worked for me

 

Hang in there ... do the best you can to make your betrayed feel safe

 

And it really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks

 

After all... most of the betrayed folks posting either divorced or are still healing so for them to cast judgement is truly not applicable.... the only opinion that matters is that of your husband

[QuietDan]

It sounds like you two have some communication issues to work on.

[doble]

At one year out you got a long road ahead. Your BH does not feel safe with you. Why? Your work affair lasted along time. My guess he feels like plan B. He's lashing out because he doesn't trust you, my guess. He's insecure, he doesn't know if your still talking with your AP. You had the affair for years, he feels like a fool for not seeing it. For all he knows you still in contact. You lied manipulated controlled information but because he trusted you he didn't see the office toy was actually his wife. SS you gouged his heart out by your actions. Ive no clue if he is watching you checking your phone computer. I think he's suspicious wary and still don't trust you enough to move forward. I assume you've been honest and fully transparent.

He won't get counseling because to him there's no point yet. I'm concerned his resentment's building, and that's not healthy. A getaway is a good idea especially without the gadgets. Your marriage rebuilding needs that.

You can only control you, ensure you don't break no contact, be transparent, recognize he needs to feel safe. I don't think he does, and he may never. You can't control him, like you controlled your affair. Every little thing, song, item, gesture, word can be a thousand knives stabbing him. The mind movies are horrifying for him. Understand help him to feel safe.

It's a long road, a forever road. Be honest open and accepting of whatever outcome.

Your cheating changed him, asit changed you. He is afraid and angry but hes still there. That says something.

[road]

At one year out you got a long road ahead. Your BH does not feel safe with you. Why? Your work affair lasted along time. My guess he feels like plan B. He's lashing out because he doesn't trust you, my guess. He's insecure, he doesn't know if your still talking with your AP. You had the affair for years, he feels like a fool for not seeing it. For all he knows you still in contact.

 

Does this WW still work for the same company as the OM?

[elaine567]

We are a little over a year out,

 

But your d-day was approx Jan 2015, no?

My husband discovered the truth a couple of months ago. .

.

 

So this is 2 years and 5 months since your husband found out about your affair.

[doble]

This

Something about your thread....

Has me wondering a little bit.....

Your current thinking pattern has an all to familiar ring to it.

Your current wayward status?

Possible relapse?

Perhaps a new possible stud/player has entered into your life?

 

And this

 

Honestly SS, I thought the same thing. It just feels like you as the WW is looking for negative in your husband's behavior....I'm sure there was alot of that in your very long affair.

 

Some times we haven't made the changes and/or improvements that we believe. What we feel is different sometimes just comes across the same to others.

 

Reading these and timeline things about D/day. And the D/days I had makes me wonder if it's not a new man, but you relapsed broke no contact with your AP projecting your negativity onto your clueless BH. Your mindset seems like a WW projecting. Im not accusing, I hope it's not true. If it were I doubt you'd say here. If it is confess before it gets worse. In either case your BH does not feel safe with you. Why?

[Unforseen]

Confessed, caught, I can't say that it would have made a big difference looking back. When I caught my wife and went into panic save the marriage mode she actually used my distress and attitude of "anything she needed to not leave me" to get me out of the way at times to keep carrying on with an OM I didn't know about yet. If she had confessed and then the other OM been discovered by me i don't know that we would be trying R right now. If she had confessed and gone NC it would have helped and removed one point of bitterness from this whole mess.

 

As far as the R goes, I kind of reset the clock on that earlier this year. At first my W convinced me that I didn't need to know what she had been up to behind my back. That makes sense now as she was still doing things behind my back for a few weeks after d day #1. Between IC and MC the idea that I should just work on forgiving what I didn't know and move forward from her actions that I wasn't supposed to ever find out about was reinforced. That was all fine and dandy but not knowing was slowly devouring me. About May of this year I finally got the answers I felt I needed. While that has helped me understand, it also setback our R in a way like I was discovering her A all over again.

 

All that mess to more simply say I kind of get where your H is at right now and am about in the same place as he is. It's a damn stupid ride where I can go from feeling high and ontop of the world to low and wallowing in hopelessness and despair from one idle comment that I didn't even know was a trigger until I got triggered. I can get hit out of the blue by the full implication of what my W has done and go from being the sweetest most loving husband to a passive aggressive twit in the blink of an eye.

 

Some of the worst times are when my W calls me out on my behavior. How dare she call me out for acting like a jerk?! Well, she dares because she loves me and because she knows that below the anger and pain I love her. She dares because she doesn't want to be hurt by me and doesn't want my words and actions to hurt our marriage like she hurt our marriage. She dares because she is working hard to be able to express her feelings, to feel like she is good enough to express her feelings and have them heard. On a good day I can hear what she is saying right away and understand that she needs me to stop hurting her and will do about anything to help me stop hurting so that I can be happier and happy with her.

 

About the worst thing she ever did to me is ask me "is this helping you feel better?" As I was going off on one tirade or another. She said it quietly without any sarcasm or disdain. She seriously wanted to know if it was helping me to feel better. She followed it up with "Because if this is helping you, you can keep going, just please stop if I ask you for a break." That sneaky little woman! It caused me to realize that I was bullying her and hurting her to feel better while at the same time let me know that if that's what I needed I could continue.

 

I'm not saying that your feelings are unimportant. While you did horrible things you are not a horrible person and are still very much worthy of being accepted and loved. But I think that is some of the heavy lifting that it is always said the WS needs to do. To put their feelings in the background for a time and let the BS vent or be angry. Not so much to where you are feeling abused or disparaged or dehumanized, but to the point where you can realize that he is lashing out and not take it personally or as a personal attack. He is angry and does want to lash out. He does not want to or doesn't know better how to manage the storm of emotions that he is dealing with. And that is a very tough thing for you to deal with. At some level you may even feel like you deserve any rotten thing he may do or say. Your H does need help in processing and managing everything he is going through, but it doesn't matter what your motivations are, right now, he will see your suggestions that he go to IC as self serving on your part. I think he could really use somewhere to exhaust himself blow of some steam and unleashing all the negative things he thinks about what you did. Sometimes us guys need to run out of cuss words before we are ready to look into alternatives to just being mad. I like the idea of the IC idea coming from someone other than you. The danger is it is manipulative and he may resent that if he ever finds out you were behind it. That sucks because he will need some help. The other option is to wait it out and see if he will figure that need out on his own.

[GoldenR]

But your d-day was approx Jan 2015, no?

.

 

So this is 2 years and 5 months since your husband found out about your affair.

 

 

Where did you get that from? I looked over her threads, couldn't find anything like that. Admittedly I didn't read every post...

[elaine567]

Where did you get that from? I looked over her threads, couldn't find anything like that. Admittedly I didn't read every post...

 

Click the link on the old quote, the little blue arrow.

[Southern Sun]

Click the link on the old quote, the little blue arrow.

 

Yep, super old post.

 

I've been very honest here, laid out the sordid details for everyone. I've had two D-Days, one where I got caught (kind of...H suspected and I spilled the details). The affair was resumed, and then I confessed.

 

You guys can pour through my threads if you want, not sure how much good it will do you. The long and the short of it is: I had a two and a half year long affair that was off and on. I had an initial D-Day and the affair later resumed. I ended the affair for good and confessed a little over a year ago.

 

And now, I've posted out of concern for my marriage, hoping to get some advice. Thank you to those who helped and I am even grateful for the tough love. I'll be bowing out, unless I see other worthy contributions.

[wmacbride]

Op,

do you feel like this issues you have been having with your husband were there before you had the affair, and whether they were or they weren't, do you see them as "deal breakers"?

 

I know that's a weird question, but I'm asking because, if they are, then even if it is painful for him to hear, you need to let him know, as kindly as you can. Whatever your marriage is going to look like post- A, if you are going to reconcile and be able to stay together for the long term, it has to work for both of you. That won't happen if he's angry and you are feeling ignored or that he's taking jabs at you.

[GoldenR]

You really make no mention of it resuming in your posts. You go from talking about no attraction, to talking about being the boss's toy. Somewhere in between those posts it resumed and then you ended it.

 

This does make it more complicated, and I'll say that while I still think your H loves you, I think he's reeeeeeally questioning if you love him. And he's probably in constant wonder of when D-day #3 will happen.

 

Unfortunately, he may not get better. I've known 2 guys IRL that tried to R after 2 D-day's. Both of them couldn't handle it, and divorced. I don't remember exactly how long they both tried...more than a year for both, though.

 

I know they both had to put up with getting the whole, "And why do you think she isn't cheating NOW?" question from every person that knew their story. The common thoughts that they both had were wondering where their wives were having sex at anytime they were apart: in the grocery store parking lot, in the closet at work, etc. Idk if any of this helps you...just wanted to pass along the possible thought process your H may be having.

 

Idk your H....but he's still with you, so he clearly loves you. And while in your head, you just want you two to have a good marriage again, after two ddays, his mind is still full of the betrayals, questioning if you love him and wondering when you'll do it again. With that in mind, what you guys are going thru seems normal.

 

You'll have to have the patience of Job to get thru this with him. As long as he's still there, there's a chance.

[road]

Confessed, caught, I can't say that it would have made a big difference looking back. When I caught my wife and went into panic save the marriage mode she actually used my distress and attitude of "anything she needed to not leave me" to get me out of the way at times to keep carrying on with an OM I didn't know about yet. If she had confessed and then the other OM been discovered by me i don't know that we would be trying R right now. If she had confessed and gone NC it would have helped and removed one point of bitterness from this whole mess.

 

As far as the R goes, I kind of reset the clock on that earlier this year. At first my W convinced me that I didn't need to know what she had been up to behind my back. That makes sense now as she was still doing things behind my back for a few weeks after d day #1. Between IC and MC the idea that I should just work on forgiving what I didn't know and move forward from her actions that I wasn't supposed to ever find out about was reinforced. That was all fine and dandy but not knowing was slowly devouring me. About May of this year I finally got the answers I felt I needed. While that has helped me understand, it also setback our R in a way like I was discovering her A all over again.

 

All that mess to more simply say I kind of get where your H is at right now and am about in the same place as he is. It's a damn stupid ride where I can go from feeling high and ontop of the world to low and wallowing in hopelessness and despair from one idle comment that I didn't even know was a trigger until I got triggered. I can get hit out of the blue by the full implication of what my W has done and go from being the sweetest most loving husband to a passive aggressive twit in the blink of an eye.

 

Some of the worst times are when my W calls me out on my behavior. How dare she call me out for acting like a jerk?! Well, she dares because she loves me and because she knows that below the anger and pain I love her. She dares because she doesn't want to be hurt by me and doesn't want my words and actions to hurt our marriage like she hurt our marriage. She dares because she is working hard to be able to express her feelings, to feel like she is good enough to express her feelings and have them heard. On a good day I can hear what she is saying right away and understand that she needs me to stop hurting her and will do about anything to help me stop hurting so that I can be happier and happy with her.

 

About the worst thing she ever did to me is ask me "is this helping you feel better?" As I was going off on one tirade or another. She said it quietly without any sarcasm or disdain. She seriously wanted to know if it was helping me to feel better. She followed it up with "Because if this is helping you, you can keep going, just please stop if I ask you for a break." That sneaky little woman! It caused me to realize that I was bullying her and hurting her to feel better while at the same time let me know that if that's what I needed I could continue.

 

I'm not saying that your feelings are unimportant. While you did horrible things you are not a horrible person and are still very much worthy of being accepted and loved. But I think that is some of the heavy lifting that it is always said the WS needs to do. To put their feelings in the background for a time and let the BS vent or be angry. Not so much to where you are feeling abused or disparaged or dehumanized, but to the point where you can realize that he is lashing out and not take it personally or as a personal attack. He is angry and does want to lash out. He does not want to or doesn't know better how to manage the storm of emotions that he is dealing with. And that is a very tough thing for you to deal with. At some level you may even feel like you deserve any rotten thing he may do or say. Your H does need help in processing and managing everything he is going through, but it doesn't matter what your motivations are, right now, he will see your suggestions that he go to IC as self serving on your part. I think he could really use somewhere to exhaust himself blow of some steam and unleashing all the negative things he thinks about what you did. Sometimes us guys need to run out of cuss words before we are ready to look into alternatives to just being mad. I like the idea of the IC idea coming from someone other than you. The danger is it is manipulative and he may resent that if he ever finds out you were behind it. That sucks because he will need some help. The other option is to wait it out and see if he will figure that need out on his own.

 

This is why the WW keeping secrets never works. Why trickle truthing

always sets back recovery clock to zero every time new truths are

revealed.

 

Does not matter that recovery had been going on for years. New info always sets the recovery start date again.

not to mention that it just breaks down the broken trust again that was repaired since the first D day.

Edited June 25, 2017 by road