Did my affair destroy our compatibility?

[Cymbeline]

I recognise the pattern. He is exquisitely, painfully sensitive to every nuance of your conversations, real or imagined.

 

Time - lots of it - helps, but I don't think it is enough. I think his resistance to reading or counselling is a huge barrier. therapy doesn't have to be about the afffair only: there is always a lot to find out about ourselves and if he were to have help in understanding and identifying his feelings, he'd have a chance of changing them. And although you had the affair, you both need to change things about yourselves. You have to grow out of a symbiotic relationship into a more mature one and that takes two.

 

But I don't know how you'd go about convincing him.

[DKT3]

I'm not sure if this holds true for BWs because I have never been one, but SS, what you and the two other ladies that commented on is internal conflict. We can't just shut off emotionally, oh boy but I know I wish I could have. So there is still all this emotions that are keeping you from flying away even though you want to. Fears.

 

Why is she here? She doesn't want me. Why am I here? She doesn't want me. How does a man express these emotions to a woman who he knows for a fact doesn't value him as a leader, as a lover. We have been socially conditioned to eat emotions for fear of making us appear weak, weaker than the clown sleeping next to a woman who is in love with and having sex with another man.

 

So we do one of three things...act out as your husband is doing, go stone cold, or revenge is other women. These things we have been thought is social norms.

 

I personally went stone cold, but divorce court is a short jump from there. Revenge brings a whole new set of problems. Passive aggressiveness??? I believe here is where most men go. To answer those questions, why is she here, why am I here? Men tend to push, pick and annoy in an effort to force you to prove why you're here, and the same time hoping you will show or provide him a reason as to why he is there. Secondly, could just be him pushing you away, to aide in preventing you from getting closeness you desire. Self preservation, if I keep her at arm's she can't hurt me again.

 

This is also a chance for you to be proactive...he won't go to MC, you go, than bring up to him what was discussed. He won't read books, than you read them and bring up what you've read.

 

Ignore rejection and anger. With effort, energy and patience your actions will answer his questions, why is she here, why am I here.

[WilyWill]

He thinks I am really harsh and insensitive...

 

That's the way your post comes across. Have you ever been tested for Asperger's or something similar?

[somanymistakes]

That's the way your post comes across. Have you ever been tested for Asperger's or something similar?

 

How? Asking if someone likes the song that's currently playing shows an interest in their feelings, not a complete disregard for them. Wanting to joke with someone, and being afraid to do so because you don't want to upset them, does not sound massively insensitive to me.

 

Am I missing something?

[deadsoul]

How? Asking if someone likes the song that's currently playing shows an interest in their feelings, not a complete disregard for them. Wanting to joke with someone, and being afraid to do so because you don't want to upset them, does not sound massively insensitive to me.

 

Am I missing something?

 

If you are missing something, I am too. I don't think you come across as harsh, insensitive or even aspy at all. Since I'm not a professional, I can't make those judgments at all.

 

I've noticed this board tends to "diagnose" us at times by merely our written words.

 

I am unable to joke with my BH anymore because I am afraid of upsetting him. He takes a lot of digs at me and I take it. It's hurtful, but I take it because that's what I deserve and that's where he's at.

 

I like the idea of you reading the books and presenting the ideas to him.

 

I hope I didn't come across as insensitive earlier as if your struggles help me.. they don't... it's just that someone else dealing with similar things I am and having the courage to reach out about it helps me... especially since some advice you get helps me too. Again, I apologize if I came across like your suffering helps me. I realized after I wrote it that it may have sounded that way.

[Southern Sun]

That's the way your post comes across. Have you ever been tested for Asperger's or something similar?

 

Anyone actually qualified to make such judgments would never be so inappropriate and disrespectful.

 

I used to get really upset when people's posts on this forum were hurtful (like this one)...to the point that I would respond, get emotional, etc. And I would find myself all upset, all alone, due to strangers on an internet forum. I decided after that I would ignore those types of posters.

 

I just can't here. This is plain rude.

[Cephalopod]

Thank you...I'm glad it helps someone.

 

My H does not like to read those types of books. Maybe it all feels too triggering? I've read so many...that one included. harrybrown said for me to read "Not Just Friends" again. The last time I did that my H absolutely lost his mind. Said I was reading about "him" (xMM) and that I was thinking about my affair. It makes me want to crawl into a hole. He thinks my seeking help in reading a book is reliving the affair. He's like a person surrounded by dangling exposed electrical wires. One false move...

 

I'm not being unsympathetic...merely factual. I know that it wouldn't be like this if I hadn't had the affair. I do wish he was willing to dig in more with me. I really wish he wouldn't freak out when I even work to help myself.

 

What you are going through now is not as bad as the day when he STOPS responding to you altogether, stops triggering and just looks at you and smiles with a faraway look and says "You do whatever makes you feel good." Because, you will know at that moment he has finally gotten over the hump and has reached a state of indifference. He won't be angry, or sad, or revengeful, or understanding, or helpful or spiteful... He won't be anything, because you won't mean anything to him anymore. That is the day when your relationship will be over forever.

 

That is the day you should be fearing, and it is coming sooner than you think it is. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but to warn you, because I think it is coming. I don't believe you will save your marriage. I am sorry.

 

My exWW remembers that day very well. She reminds me about it whenever we occasionally have to see each other. It is the only part of our divorce she never really got over.

[aileD]

I'm not trying to pick at you, but there is a lot of miscommunication going on here. For example, instead of asking him if he likes a song on the radio, say to him you don't like it and ask if the station can be changed, and explain why.

 

I do think that married couples can sometimes forget to be courteous to one another. You're around that person so much, and can be so in sync that it can be easy to forget they aren't mind readers.

 

Reconciliation doesn't make these sorts of issues disappear, but they can be overshadowed by the fallout from an A.

 

This is very true. I'm not saying that you were harsh and whatever some other posters said, but....your delivery was off for sure. There are ways that YOU can improve. Focus on that.

 

That is all you can really do. YOU need to improve what you can about YOU because that's all you can control. You can't control what he does or how he heals or what work he does on himself.

 

But, ironically, in the same sense...you have to stop being selfish. And I don't mean that in a mean way. I just mean, you are thinking about his responses by the way they make YOU feel...and what YOU need. Try thinking about how your actions affect him and how you can ease that.

 

ideally, for a good marriage, that's what BOTH of you should be doing. Because of your affair, he's going to be behind the 8 ball on that one....but that doesn't mean that you can't start and set a good example.

 

It's going to be really hard to have a successful R without Therapy. You need a referee. But if he won't do that and won't read books, will he watch videos?

 

Affair Recovery on YouTube puts out great videos dealing with all sorts of subjects about ..well...AFFAIR RECOVERY. There are some geared toward the unfaithful and some toward the betrayed. They're only about 7 minutes long each....maybe he'd be willing to do that. Me and H used to listen to them while driving to work.

[Southern Sun]

I hope I didn't come across as insensitive earlier as if your struggles help me.. they don't... it's just that someone else dealing with similar things I am and having the courage to reach out about it helps me... especially since some advice you get helps me too. Again, I apologize if I came across like your suffering helps me. I realized after I wrote it that it may have sounded that way.

 

Goodness, I didn't take it that way at all. I understand that hearing where people are, the good, bad, and ugly, helps us to know we are not alone. That what we are going through isn't completely strange. It may be horrible or extremely difficult, but another has faced it or is facing it right now. I think that is one of the benefits of a forum such as this: knowing we're not alone and to hopefully learn from one another.

[Southern Sun]

What you are going through now is not as bad as the day when he STOPS responding to you altogether, stops triggering and just looks at you and smiles with a faraway look and says "You do whatever makes you feel good." Because, you will know at that moment he has finally gotten over the hump and has reached a state of indifference. He won't be angry, or sad, or revengeful, or understanding, or helpful or spiteful... He won't be anything, because you won't mean anything to him anymore. That is the day when your relationship will be over forever.

 

That is the day you should be fearing, and it is coming sooner than you think it is. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but to warn you, because I think it is coming. I don't believe you will save your marriage. I am sorry.

 

My exWW remembers that day very well. She reminds me about it whenever we occasionally have to see each other. It is the only part of our divorce she never really got over.

 

I have to hope we are not inevitably marching in that direction.

[Southern Sun]

This is very true. I'm not saying that you were harsh and whatever some other posters said, but....your delivery was off for sure. There are ways that YOU can improve. Focus on that.

 

That is all you can really do. YOU need to improve what you can about YOU because that's all you can control. You can't control what he does or how he heals or what work he does on himself.

 

But, ironically, in the same sense...you have to stop being selfish. And I don't mean that in a mean way. I just mean, you are thinking about his responses by the way they make YOU feel...and what YOU need. Try thinking about how your actions affect him and how you can ease that.

 

ideally, for a good marriage, that's what BOTH of you should be doing. Because of your affair, he's going to be behind the 8 ball on that one....but that doesn't mean that you can't start and set a good example.

 

It's going to be really hard to have a successful R without Therapy. You need a referee. But if he won't do that and won't read books, will he watch videos?

 

Affair Recovery on YouTube puts out great videos dealing with all sorts of subjects about ..well...AFFAIR RECOVERY. There are some geared toward the unfaithful and some toward the betrayed. They're only about 7 minutes long each....maybe he'd be willing to do that. Me and H used to listen to them while driving to work.

 

I agree about the music thing. I've already said I should have handled it better. But it is ONE thing in a host of many.

 

I can only control my behavior. I will work on controlling my side, but how do I deal with his? How do I respond to his?

 

When he scolds me, for example? Do I nod and accept, say I'll do better?

 

When he always takes the opposing side, no matter what? Do I just say okay and let the conversation end? Because that's what it does. Either that or he wants a debate, which I don't enjoy.

 

What do I do?

 

It's like walking on eggshells. Perhaps I go back to Mrs. JA's suggestion, but I do think it would throw him, because he is not acting angry in those moments, usually.

 

I am really, really trying not to do anything to trigger him. Mostly these things are very surprising. Like they don't seem to be about anything important, but then they become a 'thing.' So when you tell me to think about my actions and not being selfish...I have changed A LOT. Not that I can't improve...I know I can. It's like he's grabbing at the rest, anything else.

 

I have an Affair Recovery subscription. I'm afraid to tell him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree about the music thing. I've already said I should have handled it better. But it is ONE thing in a host of many.

 

I can only control my behavior. I will work on controlling my side, but how do I deal with his? How do I respond to his?

 

When he scolds me, for example? Do I nod and accept, say I'll do better?

 

When he always takes the opposing side, no matter what? Do I just say okay and let the conversation end? Because that's what it does. Either that or he wants a debate, which I don't enjoy.

 

What do I do?

 

It's like walking on eggshells. Perhaps I go back to Mrs. JA's suggestion, but I do think it would throw him, because he is not acting angry in those moments, usually.

 

I am really, really trying not to do anything to trigger him. Mostly these things are very surprising. Like they don't seem to be about anything important, but then they become a 'thing.' So when you tell me to think about my actions and not being selfish...I have changed A LOT. Not that I can't improve...I know I can. It's like he's grabbing at the rest, anything else.

 

I have an Affair Recovery subscription. I'm afraid to tell him.

 

SS...i want to take some of this burden from you....yes it is up to you to do the heavy lifting....but that does not mean he gets to sit back and throw stones at you while you are doing the work.

 

He has to do his share of working on your realtionship as well. He has to do things to improve his own shortcomings. It is very easy sometimes for betrayeds to get so wrapped up in what the wayward should be doing...that they forget...they also have work to do.

 

None of us can stop working on ourselves....if a realtionship is broken ...it takes two people to fix it. If he resents therapy...and forums ...and books to help the two of you work on your realtionship....then he either has given up and doesn't care...and you may as well throw in the towel....or he doesn't realize that he has to help you fix things.

 

I do not mean you blame shift...i do not mean he is responsible for your affair. Nope....you get to take full credit for all of that. But he does have to help you reconcile...because it means you work together toward each other.

 

You cannot reconcile alone...and neither can he.

 

If he is unwilling to discuss recovery...then you may already have your answer...becasue you clearly cannot make him.

 

It's like i told TH earlier....he cannot scream at you HEAL me...if he is not willing to help heal himself as well.

 

This takes two....

[Southern Sun]

SS...i want to take some of this burden from you....yes it is up to you to do the heavy lifting....but that does not mean he gets to sit back and throw stones at you while you are doing the work.

 

He has to do his share of working on your realtionship as well. He has to do things to improve his own shortcomings. It is very easy sometimes for betrayeds to get so wrapped up in what the wayward should be doing...that they forget...they also have work to do.

 

None of us can stop working on ourselves....if a realtionship is broken ...it takes two people to fix it. If he resents therapy...and forums ...and books to help the two of you work on your realtionship....then he either has given up and doesn't care...and you may as well throw in the towel....or he doesn't realize that he has to help you fix things.

 

I do not mean you blame shift...i do not mean he is responsible for your affair. Nope....you get to take full credit for all of that. But he does have to help you reconcile...because it means you work together toward each other.

 

You cannot reconcile alone...and neither can he.

 

If he is unwilling to discuss recovery...then you may already have your answer...becasue you clearly cannot make him.

 

It's like i told TH earlier....he cannot scream at you HEAL me...if he is not willing to help heal himself as well.

 

This takes two....

 

I don't believe he has given up or doesn't care. And there are certainly times when he sees that he is contributing to the problem. But I guess my H just doesn't think therapy or forums or books are what HE needs to recover. And in his mind, they cause him to re-live pain...and therefore they must cause ME to re-live my own memories.

 

He does not see the value that I do in self-discovery...self-analysis. Maybe I go overboard. I think he rug-sweeps and hides for things. In my opinion, it causes things to stay inside him and fester and hurt him for longer than they have to. I've seen it in other areas of his life.

[wmacbride]

I often think that the aftermath of an A can also be really hard to the WS, especially if they feel remorse for what they did. I expect it's difficult to navigate the new normal.

 

Something my husband had said to me a few days ago when we were talking about the aftermath of his affair. He told me that - and this is going to sound somewhat ludicrous, was seeing how much i was hurt and knowing he had caused that. Even worse, he told me how much he wanted to just hold me and take all my pain away, but he couldn't, as he was the cause.

 

He told me that at that point, it really hit him what he had done. I am not one to cry, but I sure did then, and I really believe that, up until that point, the full force of what he had done hadn't hit home.

 

In the time that followed, we both had to face some things about ourselves we didn't like.

 

Op, yes you had an affair, but that doesn't negate your feelings, and any issues before the A will still be there afterwards. I know it's a touchy subject, but at some point, your issues with him will need to be addressed. You have a voice, and it needs to be heard. Otherwise, as odd as it may sound, keeping it all bottled up may do even more damage to your marriage.

[HereNorThere]

That's the way your post comes across. Have you ever been tested for Asperger's or something similar?

 

Don't confuse Narcissistic Personality Disorder for Aspergers.

 

Just Listen - Don't Confuse a Narcissist with Asperger's Syndrome | HuffPost

[wmacbride]

Don't confuse Narcissistic Personality Disorder for Aspergers.

 

Just Listen - Don't Confuse a Narcissist with Asperger's Syndrome | HuffPost

 

as a mom to a daughter with aspergers, thank you for this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't believe he has given up or doesn't care. And there are certainly times when he sees that he is contributing to the problem. But I guess my H just doesn't think therapy or forums or books are what HE needs to recover. And in his mind, they cause him to re-live pain...and therefore they must cause ME to re-live my own memories.

 

He does not see the value that I do in self-discovery...self-analysis. Maybe I go overboard. I think he rug-sweeps and hides for things. In my opinion, it causes things to stay inside him and fester and hurt him for longer than they have to. I've seen it in other areas of his life.

 

OK...help me here. He doesn't want to get help for himself...but he is ok if you pursue help? I mean...thats at least something right?

 

Does he realize...that sometimes the road to healing is taking the painful road?

 

There is no easy way to do this.

 

For example...I needed a new knee....My old knee was shot and caused me pain. But I knew that getting a new knee was going to be excruciating...So I had to go through the surgery and pain to get to a much better place. It took me two years to say...I am glad I did it..because it was a lot of work and hurt...

 

Reconciliation is a lot like this....you know in order to feel better...you must do the work...you must bear the pain...but then one day you realize...it was so worth it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I don't believe he has given up or doesn't care. And there are certainly times when he sees that he is contributing to the problem. But I guess my H just doesn't think therapy or forums or books are what HE needs to recover. And in his mind, they cause him to re-live pain...and therefore they must cause ME to re-live my own memories.

 

He does not see the value that I do in self-discovery...self-analysis. Maybe I go overboard. I think he rug-sweeps and hides for things. In my opinion, it causes things to stay inside him and fester and hurt him for longer than they have to. I've seen it in other areas of his life.

 

Men are more likely to keep their pain/disappointment/hurt/grief to themselves. Being his wife, you have hurt him like no other person could/can. He kept you behind his shield. It was from that vantage point that you betrayed him.

 

Generally, men are at a huge disadvantage with emotionally charged life situations. They process differently. Often much slower. They tend to control their emotions/responses. To lay bare how they truly hurt is to make them vulnerable/weak. And to talk about it!!!!! When they are doing everything not to!!!

 

I think IC would be good for him. It would give him a safe place to unburden the weight of his pain. It would validate his hurt. Try having a heart to heart conversation about this.

 

Many men are "fixers". When they hear their SO tell a story...they try to fix it for them. We women are more likely to jump on the "team YOU" bandwagon. Both have advantages and disadvantages. If you already have gf for "team YOU" couldnt you let your husband be who he is....a man who likes to fix things? Rewiring your expectations a bit might reduce your frustrations.

 

BH are more likely to go on to have affairs themselves. Those affairs are more likely to be exit affairs. Often, the FWW was blindsided. Had no idea how detached their BH had become...they misread the signs.

 

FWW have a slightly different path to R than FWH and less time to find it than they think.

[usa1ah]

I can see being more compassionate about the music thing...even the issue when he's not following in conversation (which, BTW, I am not insensitive about in the moment...it's just something I mentioned bc it happened last night and piled on).

 

But it does bother me that I feel I can't just talk to him, like normal. Like he's my husband. Like I can't tell him a silly story without him correcting me. Or it won't be any fun to tell about my neighbor because we don't have that sort of camaraderie anymore. If that makes any sense. It makes me feel lonely.

 

Read this from your husbands point of view.

 

You proved that you are not your husbands best friend by cheating. It will take years to get that back it you ever do.

 

You have caused everything you talk about in the last paragraph. You have to find a way to fix it.

 

You are here complaining about his reaction to your cheating instead of, ok I broke this now I have to put it back together. He doesn't have to meet you halfway, you have to pull the line until he sees you really want this marriage.

 

Honestly, this is why I would never reconcile, who in there right mind would go through all this pain to fix a broken marriage. It's not for love at this point, because the cheater can not say they loved the betrayed at the time they are dancing in the sheets. You might love your husband now but you didn't during the affair.

 

With you questioning things now, you might be realizing you still don't love him.

[Southern Sun]

Men are more likely to keep their pain/disappointment/hurt/grief to themselves. Being his wife, you have hurt him like no other person could/can. He kept you behind his shield. It was from that vantage point that you betrayed him.

 

Generally, men are at a huge disadvantage with emotionally charged life situations. They process differently. Often much slower. They tend to control their emotions/responses. To lay bare how they truly hurt is to make them vulnerable/weak. And to talk about it!!!!! When they are doing everything not to!!!

 

I think IC would be good for him. It would give him a safe place to unburden the weight of his pain. It would validate his hurt. Try having a heart to heart conversation about this.

Many men are "fixers". When they hear their SO tell a story...they try to fix it for them. We women are more likely to jump on the "team YOU" bandwagon. Both have advantages and disadvantages. If you already have gf for "team YOU" couldnt you let your husband be who he is....a man who likes to fix things? Rewiring your expectations a bit might reduce your frustrations.

 

BH are more likely to go on to have affairs themselves. Those affairs are more likely to be exit affairs. Often, the FWW was blindsided. Had no idea how detached their BH had become...they misread the signs.

 

FWW have a slightly different path to R than FWH and less time to find it than they think.

 

This is helpful...maybe that is what he's doing. It comes across (to me) as him trying to fix ME. I think that's why it's hard for me. But perhaps that is my own issue and not his. Thank you.

 

Oh, I've tried the IC discussion, several times. He just doesn't want it. I don't know if that will change.

[Southern Sun]

Read this from your husbands point of view.

 

You proved that you are not your husbands best friend by cheating. It will take years to get that back it you ever do.

 

You have caused everything you talk about in the last paragraph. You have to find a way to fix it.

 

You are here complaining about his reaction to your cheating instead of, ok I broke this now I have to put it back together. He doesn't have to meet you halfway, you have to pull the line until he sees you really want this marriage.

 

Honestly, this is why I would never reconcile, who in there right mind would go through all this pain to fix a broken marriage. It's not for love at this point, because the cheater can not say they loved the betrayed at the time they are dancing in the sheets. You might love your husband now but you didn't during the affair.

 

With you questioning things now, you might be realizing you still don't love him.

 

I do understand that I created the very situation I am now sad about.

 

I am still sad about it.

 

I've been trying to fix it and am still trying to fix it. Maybe I won't be able to, in the end. But I'm going to keep trying. No one is perfect and my behavior was one example of that.

 

My questioning...it comes from fear. Will I ever get him back fully? Will we ever be okay? Will this pain dissipate? Will I ever feel worthy enough? Will I always wonder what he's thinking? Will I always mourn that he can't look at me like he used to?

[Friskyone4u]

I do understand that I created the very situation I am now sad about.

 

I am still sad about it.

 

I've been trying to fix it and am still trying to fix it. Maybe I won't be able to, in the end. But I'm going to keep trying. No one is perfect and my behavior was one example of that.

 

My questioning...it comes from fear. Will I ever get him back fully? Will we ever be okay? Will this pain dissipate? Will I ever feel worthy enough? Will I always wonder what he's thinking? Will I always mourn that he can't look at me like he used to?

 

Southern,

 

You CANNOT fix it. You can only let go of the outcome and do the best to work on yourself. Your marriage is DEAD and trying to fix it is hopeless. You must try to REBUILD a new marriage.

There is no answer that is correct as to what you or he should do because every person is different. The fact that you confessed is helpful to some but may be meaningless in the long run to your BH, so speculating on its benefits accomplishes nothing.

The fact of the matter is that's if you put any credence into most of the literature is that marriages where the female cheats have a lower chance of reconciliation than the other way around. You can read or probably have "Not Just Friends" for the reasons why.

I think your husband is correct on the therapy stuff. All the rehashing as to the whys and the digging for all of gathered reasons does not change that millions of others have gathered same things going on and do not cheat. Once he either accepts or does not accept that you did it because you wanted to,m you liked it and the sex, and it went on for a lon g time your marriage will either move forward or not.

And of course, what does reconciliation means to you. He is never going to trust you or look at you the same. Forget that idea. He may still be attracted to you, love you, and function normally at some point. But you knocked yourself off the pedestal by your actions. If you can live with knowing that you can be happy again.

95% of men declare that if their wife cheats they will leave her. Most do not, at least the first time. So technically the rest are reconciled in some way but each of you has to decide if what you arrive at is OK.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I do understand that I created the very situation I am now sad about.

 

I am still sad about it.

 

I've been trying to fix it and am still trying to fix it. Maybe I won't be able to, in the end. But I'm going to keep trying. No one is perfect and my behavior was one example of that.

 

My questioning...it comes from fear. Will I ever get him back fully? Will we ever be okay? Will this pain dissipate? Will I ever feel worthy enough? Will I always wonder what he's thinking? Will I always mourn that he can't look at me like he used to?

 

I can't tell you what your outcome will be

 

I can tell you that we are in a wonderful place

 

But it takes time

 

I have 32 years on you

 

Keep trying

 

Don't give up

 

If this is what You want keep fighting for it

 

We did not give up

[William]

Let's leave psychological diagnosis to professional medical practitioners and get back to the topic of an affair destroying marital compatibility, or not. Thanks!

[Mr Blunt]

My questioning...it comes from fear. Will I ever get him back fully? Will we ever be okay? Will this pain dissipate? Will I ever feel worthy enough? Will I always wonder what he's thinking? Will I always mourn that he can't look at me like he used to?

 

 

My wife confessed just like you did and eventually had to pay a horrible emotional price that came from natural consequences, mostly coming from herself. I was advised to not bring up the affair and I took that advised and have followed that advice for years. After trying everything to help her before she did the PA; after the PA I was free from my responsibility to fix her and she had to do the heavy lifting. After the PA I was distant but not doing any punishments to her or any revenge; I was just going through the suffering period for several months. At some point later I started helping her best that I could but knew that it was her responsibility to make the biggest improvement in herself.

 

You asked “will I ever get him back fully?’…….

 

IMO the short answer is NO…We have been R for over 20 years and here is what has changed permanently. Let me go into more detail:

 

1. I was of the opinion in my young years that my wife would always have my back; she would always have my best interests at heart.

 

2. I never thought that she would desire another man over me and replace me with another OM

 

3. I never thought that she would do anything that she knew would hurt our children to the degree that walking out on us would.

 

Those thoughts above that are so very enduring to me were shattered and will never come back to a real high degree.

 

You also asked “Will we ever be okay?”

 

It is very possible that you both can be OK. You both will have to endure the suffering that can last years. However, you both can get better every year if you endure the suffering while you BOTH diligently force yourself to take steps to get yourselves better, body, mind, emotions, and spirit. The most important part is for you both to take actions mainly to help yourselves because you are both weak and cannot help each other enough right now. I am not saying that you cannot help each other and should help each other when you can but realize that you both need to get stronger so that you can help each other more later. That means that you have to concentrate mostly on yourself for right now.

 

I had family and my faith that helped me to get stronger and it was up to me to initiate and use those sources. I do not understand how your husband thinks that he can get a lot better by himself without any help. We are over 20 years of R and we are doing Ok and often doing better than OK. Of course there are times that things are not Ok but they are not relationship killers…We are a very close family with lots of family members but mostly with our 3 children and grandchildren; that relationship is much better than OK.

 

I realize that there are many ways that couples get better so I am just telling you my way as I know that others have done things different and are successful with R. Find as many couples that have been successful with R for a long time and get their information so that you can apply what works for you the best.

 

If you both never give up and get back up when you are knocked down and diligently strive to follow love you will both make it!