SmallWonder Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 I feel like I'm on Chapter 21 with this guy and still haven't figured out the damn plot. So here's the deal... (In a nutshell) We have a great relationship. We laugh. We have sexual tension - we're extremely attracted to each other. We have creative dates. Sparks fly. Out comfort level - off the charts. We talk. We sing. We can be silent and not have to talk at all. BUT. We're lying in my bed - talking - and he tells me why he feels we need to wait to have sex (even though we'd attempted it before and it went 'wrong'). The reason: His EX from 6 months ago. They had a great relationship (albeit a SHORT one) and they waited to do "IT". When they did, she wigged out on him and he was crushed. Apparently, she was a real winner, and treated him like crap after "the Deed." So now with me, he's so cautious it's making me crazy! He doesn't want ME to wigg on him like SHE did. What do you do in this mess? I like him a lot. He confided in me that with EVERY relationship he's had there was a voice in the back of his head saying "This isn't going to work" but that he doesn't feel that way with me. As I've said before, we go way back and saw each other again after 8 years. What do I do? What - do - I - DO? Do I cut him loose or wait go crazy wanting him - lusting after him? He isn't being fair to me and I told him if that was his hang up then SHE may as well be lying in between us. When do I cut my loses and move on????? How do you know when it's worth it to hold on?
A Fly onThe Wall Posted August 5, 2005 Posted August 5, 2005 Originally posted by SmallWonder The reason: His EX from 6 months ago. Sometimes people can have bad experiences that affect how they proceed in relationships.. But what you need to figure out is how much effort and time do you want to put into this guy.. It sounds like he isn't over his Ex.. He is biting off his own nose in spite of his own face.. We have all done it and wished we hadn't I think that if you can't get him to come to your side and see the light about things then Kicking him to the curb is the only option. If you do.. He will figure out he fu*ked up awful fast
Author SmallWonder Posted August 5, 2005 Author Posted August 5, 2005 I am not getting the vibe from him that he's still into he Ex. It's just something I feel. Maybe I'm just kidding myself? I am hoping he's just that into me that he's really trying to make sure things don't end up going bad and leave him with another broken heart? Because he seems to be real open and honest about the whole thing. I guess this boils down to sex. And since he wants to wait, it's making me want it even more, and now I'm obsessing about it. This doesn't happen to me. Ever. In a previous relationship, we waited like, 6 months before we had sex. Why do I want it so bad? Cause I can't have it. I'm trying so hard to act cool about the whole thing. But as I told him "It's like you gave me a chocolate bar, let me take a bite, then took it away." I FEEL that he's worth my time and effore - but isn't that how we all feel at the beginning? He's maybe not marriage material at present time, but I see a lot of good in him, and we're so nice as a team. He makes me feel so good, and I think he really feels good with me too. Do guys get weirded out like this when they think they're finally met "THE ONE?"
greypen Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 i am in exactly the same position, but on the other side of it. i am dating someone and we have been dating for 1.5 months while seeing eachother quite a bit. but i am keeping things pg-13 because of a prior relationsip. i want to...believe me. but know i am not entirely ready to expose myself again like that. but it is really good and i think i am ready to take the plunge. it may take time to built some trust. I am a woman, and we are more suspectable to these types of things. Of course, this can happen to guys too. What happened to your man happens all the time. People sleep together and the dynamics change. Many times have I been with someone and everythings going great . then we sleep together. poof! basically the last time i see this person. it took me a while to see that one coming and i hope i've learned to predict when things may go this way. but it hurts. depending upon how much dating experience he has he may have really been affected by this. Yet, I do not believe your guy is telling you the whole story. speaking from experience, it really takes a lot, (especially for a guy), to ward of sex because of a prior relationsip. it can be really bad and you come out personally violeted and trusting someone that closely is way too close to the heart. I don't mean to undermine what happened to your guy, because we are all sensitive creatures, but I really don't think he is giving you the whole story here. You said you tried, but it didn't work? You must realize how fragile the male ego can be. Maybe he is feeling inadequate? But really if he is 'all man', that shouldn't be a problem eventually. i mean, you want to be with someone who gets turned on by you... regardless, he isn't giving you the full picture.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 How far do you normally get, just laying in bed? You could try moving slowly, and do everything BUT the deed itself. Try some things you've never tried before, talk about things while you're doing them to find out what really turns each other on without actually doing them. It will be worth the wait after all the frustrations of when you get so physically revved up with no release. But don't get frustrated, just keep thinking and believing that good things come to those who wait. It will be better when you two are really ready to do this together, no matter what age you are. While you are waiting, make sure that you still talk about it, and talk about the kinds of things you would like to do together. This will take away much of the awkwardness and will leave a whole lot to look forward to.
Author SmallWonder Posted August 6, 2005 Author Posted August 6, 2005 I guess, as I reflect on our conversation, he did say that they waited a relatively long time before doing it, and that's why it was so hurtful when she ditched him the very next day. And as for our "Kind of" doing the deed. Well, I have mentioned it in another post (or 2). We were on the verge of having sex and the condom was too small. So it was pretty uneventful. After that, he was like, "You know what....let's just wait." SO it's like I said, "DOn't give me chocolate and then take it away." It's really frustrating. I feel this connection with him that I didn't feel with my first husband. We were hardly ever physical and now here I am, longing for this guy. Admittedly, I KNOW I turn him on...I've felt the proof. I know I'm pushing too hard - within myself. I guess I feel this is a challenge, and I want to conquer it. I know that's totally the wrong approach, and I'm working on it. But I feel this battle waging within HIM. I can see it. I just don't want there to be regrets if we parted ways. I think he's worth waiting around for and maybe, it's worth this agony. But only time will tell, I suppose. In the meantime, I have been accepting other dates.
lvgrly Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 No offence to this EX of his, but he cant blame you or hold out on you because of something someone else f***ed up. How is that fair to you? Yeah thats great if he wants to wait, but only if your willing. No sex is not everything and yes as you might know it does change things a little. But being scared of something is only going to make the problem worse. He needs to see that both of you can be mature adults about sex and still be together when the "deed" is done. Its not hard to do, I think you should just lay it out there on the table with him. And be careful about the accepting new dates thing, because if he does find out about that, he might think you are dating others because he wont sleep with you, which ultimately would make him not want to sleep with you all together..
greypen Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 what we are really looking for is companionship. someone we like to spend time with, who makes us laugh and sing...all of that. and we want this person to be insanely attractive. we want to share a deep connection and have an amazing sex life. It sounds to me, like you have the beginnings of this. this being a very rare and sacred thing. you just don't find this in every person you meet. there may be many out there that you can fall in love with but it doesn't happen everyday. so for you, the pot is boiling, simmering on the stove and it smells delicious. you are so hungry for it. Then you threaten it by saying you are going out for a hamburger. Your man proabbaly feels this. When to cut em loose....like he is simply something you can snip out of your life...because he won't have sex with you....i really don't understand why you are complaining. its not that the sex was bad, that i could understand, or that one of you doesn't find the other attractive, it is because he won't have sex with you? I am not seeing these posts that say it is "unfair" to you and somehow you are being treated unwell by this. sex is a two person decision. your guy is proabably reading those feelings you are having of just "dropping" this person...and relating that by not trusting you. you like spending time with this guy, but i am not sure you truly care about him.
lvgrly Posted August 6, 2005 Posted August 6, 2005 Originally posted by greypen what we are really looking for is companionship. someone we like to spend time with, who makes us laugh and sing...all of that. and we want this person to be insanely attractive. we want to share a deep connection and have an amazing sex life. It sounds to me, like you have the beginnings of this. this being a very rare and sacred thing. you just don't find this in every person you meet. there may be many out there that you can fall in love with but it doesn't happen everyday. so for you, the pot is boiling, simmering on the stove and it smells delicious. you are so hungry for it. Then you threaten it by saying you are going out for a hamburger. Your man proabbaly feels this. When to cut em loose....like he is simply something you can snip out of your life...because he won't have sex with you....i really don't understand why you are complaining. its not that the sex was bad, that i could understand, or that one of you doesn't find the other attractive, it is because he won't have sex with you? I am not seeing these posts that say it is "unfair" to you and somehow you are being treated unwell by this. sex is a two person decision. your guy is proabably reading those feelings you are having of just "dropping" this person...and relating that by not trusting you. you like spending time with this guy, but i am not sure you truly care about him. How the hell is that fair to say? She is not upset at the fact that he wont put out, its the fact of how hes going about it. He is Using his ex as an excuse or maybe its not an excuse.. But since he brings her into this (his ex) it now puts her in the middle of this realtionship and shes not even there. If I have ever learned about anything about relationships, its that you dont DO NOT AS IN EVER bring ex's into your realtionship. It only causes problems and leads to being alone. And I feel as if, as long as he keeps being immature with it, he wont have sex. He cant get over the fact that someone is into him just as much as he is her, and he is scared..RISKS ARE ESSENTIAL TO HAPPINESS. Some people should live for that saying. It would make things eaiser.
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