I am no longer angry at my EX, so why am I depressed?

[LordRorek]

Hello, if you have read my story than you will know that my EXs parents are controlling and both verbally and emotionally abusive and when I sent her home to set things straight with her parents she broke up with me in a very cruel and cold way.

 

I have spent a long time filled with anger and hatred towards her for the way she broke my heart and heart my family.

 

But I have finally come to the conclusion that my EX was just as much of a victim in all of this as I was. When I sent her home her parents saw this as an opportunity to get her back under thier control and they did what they have always done. The shamed, manipulated, and coerced her into breaking up with me the way she did, so that even if she wanted to turn back she would have burnt to many bridges to do so.

 

So I forgive her and am no longer angry at her in the slightest in fact I feel sorry for her because her parents have abused and manipulated her and she probably doesn't even realize it.

 

But even though I know our break up is for the best I am starting to feel depressed and missing what we had.

 

You see whenever I started feeling depressed about her than I would get angry.

 

From what I have read this shows you are mentally healthy because subconsciously you know that anger is more useful than despair.

 

But I digress now that I have come to the conclusion that she is just as much a victim as me, I can't get mad at her anymore so I have just been getting depressed whenever I think of her. I also get this feeling in my gut like my body is preparing for the white hot anger but it's not coming.

 

Why am I depressed? I don't understand? I thought forgiveness was supposed to make you feel better?

 

P.S. If you want to hear the story of my break up I posted it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/627147-complete-story-my-breakup

[preraph]

Just stages of grief. At some point you need to be very relieved you didn't have chidren with this woman because what you say about her abuse but her not rebelling against it and still letting them control her means she would be an unfit mother because those were her only role models for how to treat children. You narrowly missed a very big life disaster.

[LordRorek]

Just stages of grief. At some point you need to be very relieved you didn't have chidren with this woman because what you say about her abuse but her not rebelling against it and still letting them control her means she would be an unfit mother because those were her only role models for how to treat children. You narrowly missed a very big life disaster.

 

Oh I already am.

 

I know things would never have worked in the long run. I am just trying to better understand my emotional state.

[fieldoflavender]

I don't think someone is a complete victim or a complete perpetuator in these cases when family is involved and wreaking havoc left right centre. Sure there was definitely manipulation, abuse whatever you call it. But if she was an adult person who chose to enter and close a relationship - then it's her choice and if she really knew what she wanted, then she wouldn't let herself get manipulated/influenced in that way.

 

Dependency can be very scary.

 

On the bright side, at least she broke up with you and didn't get the family to do it? Just because someone's family has major issues and red flags, doesn't always mean they will be exactly the same. The important thing is having the honesty and maturity to recognize things that you don't want to replicate in your lives.

[preraph]

My biggest thing to propel me to depression after a breakup is loss of hope. Because you get your hopes up for this wonderful life with someone and then you're back to square 1.