Young, lost and probably very foolish - is this over?

[Imajerk17]

 

On Tuesday I got fed up and sent a message telling him that I loved him and cared deeply for him but that I didn't deserve to be ignored and treated that way. I told him I knew he'd called on Friday because he was uninhibited and that he let his true feelings out. Then I said that he either needed to call me to talk properly that day, or that I would disappear forever, and not talk to him ever again. He didn't call. I knew he wouldn't because he seems to shut down quite easily.

 

Yesterday I felt good, like I had made the final decision and that I could start NC. But now I realise I feel good because I know he misses me, thinks of me all the time and I think he will contact me again. I know he's in turmoil about what to do. Am I a complete fool to think this isn't the last I will hear from him? When I think it's the end I can barely cope because I feel so desperately heartbroken.

 

I know and realise that my husband is a separate issue that needs to be sorted. But I can't sort it in this state. Yes, I realise we will probably end up divorced because sex is important to me.

 

I am adamant that I will make no contact with Belgian man. But do you think this is the last? I know most of the situations are doomed and that everything is against this...but my mother met my father in the same way and left her husband for him (with a child) and they are still together 40 years later. I can't let go of the hope - if this man turned up and asked me to go with him, I would go and I would try to make it work with every fibre of my being...please don't rip me apart I am feeling desperately fragile

 

Well, you are taking another woman's partner (she just gave BIRTH to his baby!), and you are sneaking around on your husband. You lover even met your mom. So it is rather rich of you to talk about how you deserve to be treated. This man's partner and your husband are the ones who deserve to be treated better!

 

It is clear that you have checked out of your marriage. Whether your lover calls you again or not, your H is just your Plan B, and he deserves better than that. So do the honourable thing and set your husband free ASAP. It will at least save you the energy of having to live and lie and keep up pretences that you are still vested in your marriage. Leaving will also free you to find the person you are meant to be with.

 

You made a lot of selfish unkind moves lately. This--telling your H that your marriage is over--would be the one (ultimately) kind thing you could do.

 

And maybe your lover will leave his partner for you. Although you may discover that helping to support three small kids that aren't your own (you mention that you earn much more than your lover) isn't all it is cracked up to be.

Edited June 23, 2017 by Imajerk17

[MickeyBill]

But why insist on meeting my mum? He said it was because she was important to me and he wanted to get to know my family. But I tried to put him off the idea. He insisted!

 

That struck me as very odd. First that he would want to and second that you would agree. Third that mum was on board with meeting her married daughter's lover.

Did you make your relationship clear to your mum that was a man you were thinking of ending your marriage for and move to Belgium? Or was he introduced as a close friend. Weird.

[BluesPower]

But I am a married woman and I wasn't playing him? Why do you think his feelings weren't real? I think he never intended to get involved emotionally and then got carried away. As did I. But I resisted at first, because I thought in reality I would never leave my husband. But then I fell hard for him. He wasn't a 'side dish' to me...

 

He spent over £1000 on visiting me/hotel rooms/a necklace. Even his brother said he'd never seen him try to impress a woman so much. If he was a player, wouldn't it have been cheaper to find someone in his own country? If he was a player, why didn't he just call it quits after the 5 days of sex on the boat? It would have been so easy to walk away at that stage.

 

Why do you think he called me last Friday? It set me back so much hearing how much he was missing me and how miserable he was.

 

Do you think this is it now that I've said I'm disappearing and will never talk to him again? I mean are there ever instances of them never contacting again?

 

I'm in agonising pain over this...I never thought I'd have to go through this level or heart ache again...

 

OverTaxed may be too blunt... But yes, he is right. Let me see, would I spend a lot of money visiting a beautiful woman for great sex? You better believe it. The only difference is I would not lie to you. I have done that before and I just never will again.

 

I am not at all saying that he is not totally infatuated with you and that you two don't have a great sexual connection at all. But the odds of him leaving his kids and his GF are just about nil.

 

As for you, if you love your husband and he will not get help with his sexual issues, then you need to divorce him.

 

Living a sexless life or near sexless life is no way to live at all. Either he steps up to the plate or you have to get out. You don't have any kids and it will be very easy to split.

 

Don't live you life this way. It is a waste and we only get one life...

[Overtaxed]

OverTaxed may be too blunt... But yes, he is right. Let me see, would I spend a lot of money visiting a beautiful woman for great sex? You better believe it. The only difference is I would not lie to you. I have done that before and I just never will again.

 

I am not at all saying that he is not totally infatuated with you and that you two don't have a great sexual connection at all. But the odds of him leaving his kids and his GF are just about nil.

 

As for you, if you love your husband and he will not get help with his sexual issues, then you need to divorce him.

 

Living a sexless life or near sexless life is no way to live at all. Either he steps up to the plate or you have to get out. You don't have any kids and it will be very easy to split.

 

Don't live you life this way. It is a waste and we only get one life...

 

Me? Blunt? Say it isn't so!

 

Just wanted to add, as I've said before, his sexual issues are almost without question fixable. If that's the "pre-A" problem, and you're happy otherwise, this is fixable, I can say that with near certainty. And I also agree that you'll never be happy unless you fix this part of your relationship, sex is the "THE" thing that separates a marriage from everything else. Living a M without that component, when both people are otherwise healthy/attracted to one another and in sync emotionally is a terrible way to live. And it's not necessary, a few trips to the Dr will almost certainly discover the problem and, if it's the problem most men with low drive have (low testosterone), it's as simple as getting on some medication. Which will make him feel better in all areas of his life, not just sex.

[MJJean]

But I am a married woman and I wasn't playing him? Why do you think his feelings weren't real?

 

He spent over £1000 on visiting me/hotel rooms/a necklace. Even his brother said he'd never seen him try to impress a woman so much. If he was a player, wouldn't it have been cheaper to find someone in his own country? If he was a player, why didn't he just call it quits after the 5 days of sex on the boat? It would have been so easy to walk away at that stage.

 

Why do you think he called me last Friday? It set me back so much hearing how much he was missing me and how miserable he was.

 

Women and men are not the same. You are married and were serious. He is in a LTR and was not. How can I tell? If he was serious, he'd be with you. Kids or no. We'll get to that again later.

 

Why spend the money? Frankly, it wasn't that expensive for days of sex and ego kibbles. I've known a few guys who spent $$ to go out of state to have sex with women they met online and didn't even see in person until they got there. One guy spent $800 round trip for a ONS.

 

Why not walk away after the boat sex? Why would he? He just found a woman who will give him sex!

 

Why call on Friday? Because A) he's losing a source of sex and B) he likes the drama, the fantasy, and to mope around as the tragic hero.

 

He chose it even though he was miserable/drinking every night and leaving his gf to deal with the new baby. That's not treating someone with love, and I realise that that shows how flawed his character is.

 

He tried to break up with her while we were together but she threatened to limit his access to the children. He just kept saying he was searching for a solution, a way we could have a future...I guess he did the respectable thing.

 

He put so much in to this - was so determined to be with me and begging me to leave my husband. He said he'd never marry her, and he felt I was the kind of woman he could see himself marrying.

 

So, he's an alcoholic who neglects his children, including the newborn, while his poor GF has to deal with them alone? Real peach ya got there.

 

He didn't try to break up with her. How do I know? Because he's a grown adult and if he wanted to end his relationship, he could just do that. The kids aren't an excuse. He has legal parental rights. If he wanted to leave, she cannot legally keep his children from him. He could get an attorney and settle custody and visitation through the courts.

 

In other words, he's using the kids because he won't just say "I don't want to leave my GF and my life for you." The reality is, he could leave and still be a father to his kids. He just doesn't want to. And why would he? Apparently, his GF will take care of his home and kids for him while he gets drunk and sleeps around. It's a great deal...for him.

 

The rest of this post is all about future faking.

 

I am fully aware he lied about the existence of his girlfriend in the first place. He did that because he thought it would just be a one off thing. He came clean about his pregnant girlfriend at a stage when he thought I would accept it. He didn't ever need to tell me this - so why did he? Because he was seriously in the mindset that we had a chance at a future with each other. Of course he knew she was pregnant. But he knew I would run a mile if I knew that on the boat.

 

If he cheats all the time then WHY didn't he leave it all on the boat? Why push and push and push for me? Why? he could have had a clean break. It was ME who suggested not talking to each other after the boat.

 

Also, if he is such a cheater, used to this sort of life, WHY did he insist on meeting my mum, who came on a train 2 hours to meet us? Don't you think that's a bit weird? Also he told everyone he was going to be with me - his brother, his colleagues at work, his cousin, his brother's girlfriend. He was like a lovesick puppy.

 

He even found contact details for someone who could get me work in Belgium. He went to such lengths to try and make it work for me in his country.

 

I know it's tempting to treat ALL affairs the same, with a cynical outlook. But really, isn't every situation individual?

 

He didn't tell you before the boat because he wanted the boat sex. He told you after because he A) already got the sex and B) was setting up to explain why he wouldn't be having a real relationship with you. He can't use the kids as an excuse if you don't know they exist!

 

Why chase you? A) sex B) ego. If you are the one to end things, you might never have sex with him again should he need it. Also, it just doesn't do to have the mistress reject you!

 

Why meet your mother? Well, why not? It's a great way to continue the future fake without too much trouble.

 

When I was married to my exH, I had multiple affairs. Wanna know how many of those men met my mom? 3. I'd met the mothers of 4 of my AP's. It didn't mean anything.

Edited June 24, 2017 by MJJean

[lostintheuk]

Lost, I'm going to be in the minority here with what I have to say, but I understand where every person is coming from here when they say the things they say. But I am a hopeless romantic, and I do believe he does care for you , its not just about the sex. However, he does have a family that is very important to him, possibly more important than you are, obviously. But to say he doesn't care or have feelings for you, I'm less to diminish that, because I am inclined to think based on what you type, tho a fantasy , still I feel he does have feelings. Are they strong enough for him to leave his wife/family for? Doubtfully. BUt I'm not going to just sit here and tell you he used you for sex, etc, because I don't dismiss that he can have feelings for you.

I know this is hard for you, I'm sure he is thinking about you. I am sure he will not forget you, and I am sure he will get back in touch with you at some point.

 

The better question here is ...if and when he does, what will you do? Are you happy to continue this cycle? Are you going to stay with your H and live out this side fantasy? Can you live like this forever? What do you intend to do with all the emotions you are dealing with? Life is hard enough without dealing with the extra life os an A, trust me I am going through it now. So much easier to have a clear cut life path, with healthy choices.

 

I will send you big HUGS from afar and hope you can find peace.

 

Transitions - Thank you. Your post made me break down in tears. You are so kind. I KNOW in my heart it was more than just sex. Yes that's what both motivated us to make the decision in the first place to sleep together. But then we started to develop feelings. I KNOW it was more.

 

I agree he had too much to lose and he has chosen his family. I doubt he will ever make contact and if he does...Well I'll be secretly very glad but I will not, can not go back. Logically I know it can never work in the long run and he hasn't been kind in his treatment of me towards the end - ignoring me for 2 weeks. I wish this had never happened. You're right, life is hard enough without this stress. The hardest thing is I want to let him go, but I also can't stand the thought of all my feelings diminishing...

 

Big hugs to you too kind stranger

[lostintheuk]

That struck me as very odd. First that he would want to and second that you would agree. Third that mum was on board with meeting her married daughter's lover.

Did you make your relationship clear to your mum that was a man you were thinking of ending your marriage for and move to Belgium? Or was he introduced as a close friend. Weird.

 

It is weird. I didn't want him to meet her because I wasn't sure about the whole thing, and what I was going to do. She said she didn't want to come unless I was sure that it was moving towards a future with him. It was he who insisted and I eventually gave in. The same day he gave me the necklace with a symbol of infinity on it, in his words 'to show how serious he was about me and that his love was infinite'. He told my mum he 'wanted the best for her daughter'.

 

Another thing I've thought about which implies he's not done this before is that he sent me two selfies of himself. He didn't realise the phone was linked to his girlfriend's email account and that she could see all photos he took. She saw them and asked who he was sending pictures of himself to, as he didn't usually do that. Then he realised that her email was linked and changed it.

 

He was not particularly smart about covering his tracks, especially when he got so excited that I might consider moving to Belgium that he immediately went and told his brother with his brother's girlfriend there. Like I say, he was like an infatuated and excited puppy.

 

During the call last Friday he said he didn't know what to do, kept wondering whether there was a solution, whether we had a future together. He said he didn't want to leave things how they were...I asked him how he felt if he never saw me/heard from me again. He said he didn't know because that had not happened.

 

If great sex with an attractive woman is so hard to find, and men are so motivated by it that they will pay lots of money/travel hundreds of miles, the implication is that he will be back looking for it again, no?

[lostintheuk]

I'm not going to do anything about my husband until I am thinking clearly and am over the affair. Then I will consider what to do. I can't make a rational decision while heartbroken. The post isn't about my husband (who I agree deserves better) but about the affair.

[anika99]

I think the most telling thing is that he ditched you almost immediately after you told him you would leave your husband and move to his country to be with him. He never thought that would happen. This was supposed to be a fun fantasy affair with a woman who lived far away and who would not jeopardize his real life. He was done with you right after he last visited you in your country but of course he wasn't going to tell you that and make himself look like a jerk. Instead he tried to take the easy way out by saying you are too far away from his home and children and you are married and it's just an impossible situation. Perfect reasons for him to end it without looking like a total creep. But then you threw him for a loop when you suddenly announced you were coming to live in his country. He feigned excitement but was probably panicking at the thought of you coming and destroying his family. He couldn't think of any other way out other than to just go completely silent on you so that's what he did.

[Imajerk17]

I'm not going to do anything about my husband until I am thinking clearly and am over the affair. Then I will consider what to do. I can't make a rational decision while heartbroken. The post isn't about my husband (who I agree deserves better) but about the affair.

 

But, you misunderstand. You *already did* do something about your husband. You introduced another man to your mom as if he was your boyfriend. Your FAMILY knows about the affair but your husband does not. Talk about a cruel joke.

 

You also told this other man that you would leave your husband for him.

 

Meanwhile, is your husband supposed to wait months for you to heal, suspecting something is wrong the whole time? What if this other guy comes around? Is your H supposed to sit around and wait for you to come to a decision?

 

Time for you to stop being so selfish.

Edited June 24, 2017 by Imajerk17

[lostintheuk]

But that still doesn't explain why he reached out to me last Friday? And on the Sunday too he called. Both times to tell me how much he missed me, thought of me every day, *had* to see me, wanted to find a solution, kept wondering whether we could have a future together...

 

He never had to contact me again. I thought it was over. Why get in touch again if he really was pretending to be happy about me considering coming to be with him. And why did he go out of his way to find contact details for someone in my line of work?

[Imajerk17]

But that still doesn't explain why he reached out to me last Friday? And on the Sunday too he called. Both times to tell me how much he missed me, thought of me every day, *had* to see me, wanted to find a solution, kept wondering whether we could have a future together...

 

He never had to contact me again. I thought it was over. Why get in touch again if he really was pretending to be happy about me considering coming to be with him. And why did he go out of his way to find contact details for someone in my line of work?

 

OP, you need to wake up. Where is your husband in all of this? His wife has all but left him waiting on OM and your family knows this, but only he doesn't. Poor guy. Don't you feel at all bad for him and what he has to deal with now or is it just you you you you?

 

Affair fog and being broken-hearted is no excuse for you not doing the right thing at least in light of current circumstances. Your plan of waiting to talk to your H while you see what happens with OM is unacceptable. If you want to leave your H for this guy, then just tell H and get a divorce and go. At any rate it is clear that you'd be better off divorced, whether that means with OM or single. But keeping your H waiting while you ascertain whether OM was/is serious or not....what a cruel thing you are doing to your husband! He is getting 10x worse than you are as he is being betrayed by his wife.

 

You say you behaved badly and I suppose it is a start for acknowledging that, but you need to do SOMETHING to try to put this right. You need to deal with your husband NOW.

 

To answer your question about OM's intentions, we cannot read minds, but keep in mind that you'd be doing all the moving and earning most of the money and making the biggest lifestyle changes, so his words are easy to say. He also has GOT to be aware that he would be getting quite a sweetheart deal in this--an (outwardly) more attractive woman who makes a lot more money coming in to replace his current and help support him and his 3 kids and give him good sex. As you are likely the only (outwardly) attractive woman who has paid him any mind, he may be sincere in that regard.

 

But he and you may feel very different after it were to happen w everything out in the open and this stops being Romeo And Juliette. In particular taking care of 3 small kids who aren't yours while being resented by their families, isn't easy. A man who sneaks around w a newborn at home tend not to have high character anyway.

Edited June 24, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Steen719]

But that still doesn't explain why he reached out to me last Friday? And on the Sunday too he called. Both times to tell me how much he missed me, thought of me every day, *had* to see me, wanted to find a solution, kept wondering whether we could have a future together...

 

He never had to contact me again. I thought it was over. Why get in touch again if he really was pretending to be happy about me considering coming to be with him. And why did he go out of his way to find contact details for someone in my line of work?

 

 

Maybe it sounded good at the time and when he thought about it, it was too messy. Maybe his gf told him that he would pay through the nose if he left. Maybe, maybe, maybe. The only thing you really need to be looking at is his actions. He is NOT calling you, he is NOT texting you and you are obsessing about this man who is NOT choosing to be with you. You are obsessing about every little thing and he has chosen to let this relationship go. You need to let it go as well. It is pretty sad, actually, that you are looking from crumbs from someone who was trying to leave a pregnant wife and 2 kids.

 

I mean, come on. How in the world, upon reflection, can this situation seem like it work? You leave your H, move to another country, make more money that your OM, who by the way will be spending MOST of his money on child support, sharing custody of three children who will probably not be happy with you and you will be away from your family and friends. It sounds awful. You will also have to deal with the ex gf who will absolutely resent your interference in her life. This is nightmare stuff to me.

 

I'm not even going to mention how this kind of behavior is not good for your spirit because at this point, that seems not to be as important to you. Just look at this from a practical standpoint and maybe that will make you think about how this just seems like a very sad and bad life to hope for.

 

Just my opinion.

[Origin]

Ohhhh you poor lost girl, what have you done lol!!! Well...very much to talk about as this thing is all over the place with other peoples comments and your responses, so i will try and respond to the posts in hopes you WAKE UP and in hopes that it helps you.

 

I'm not 100% sure if my post will make you mad, i hope not, i hope it helps you but before i respond to your OP you have to understand few things.

 

We all here on this forum are total strangers to each other and absolutely have no benefit if your story(or anybody else's) goes one way or another, it doesn't impact our life whatsoever. I say this because you need to realize what people are telling you on here and WAKE UP from this fantasy world you live in, the fairly tale you want so badly to come true, a fairly tale that ended so beautifully for your mother. What we say is not something we say because we don't want you to be happy, we don't even know you, we say it because we either experienced it ourselves or have read so many similar stories on here that we already know where this is going and we're trying to warn you.

 

Before you go start thinking how your story with this "Belgian" man is unique and how you guys are different then everybody else, how only you and him TRULY know whats going on, the feelings, the drama, i suggest you read few stories on here and you will quickly realize how all of these stories are very very similar in some regards to your story and at the end of the day you guys aren't unique at all. I made a point to say this because in all your posts you are constantly defending this man offering every excuse in the world not to make him a bad guy for cheating on his pregnant "fat" girlfriend, trying to sell him to us that hes not a bad guy, offering excuses that he still loves you irresistibly because he's still reaching out so it must be true love and he must truly love you...it must be unique like your moms story right??...I know you want to believe he's a good guy, that this is "different" and how you guys are different but...you're not....if you were different what are you doing on this forum?? If it was unique you'd be with him already, you wouldn't even be on this forum....think about it...read few stories here and you will quickly realize that majority of affairs go like this:

 

1). Affair starts due to insane chemistry(EVERY STORY)

2). One person wants more and is insanely infatuated with the other person(you)

3). The other person will say/do anything to build up ego to keep the affair going(him)

4A). Affair is caught and the guilty person doesn't want to leave the "significant other"

4B). Affair is not discovered but the other person doesn't want to leave significant other and will offer every excuse on "why they cant do it". The infatuated person will then go thru a roller coaster ride and get ripped apart in the end(will be you if you don't make drastic changes)

 

Sweetie...all what he TOLD you is complete BS. You need to judge this man by his ACTIONS not his WORDS...if he wanted to be with you, he WOULD be with you right this second as you are reading this, but instead he's exactly where he wants to be. Look at yourself, you're married, 4 years with him but were ready to drop your husband like NOTHING just to be with this guy, why?? Cause he is special to you, you DO truly love him...if you were THAT special to him, and he loved you that much, he'd do the same thing NO QUESTIONS ASKED, not offer excuse of why he cant, got nervous, cold feet, aliens landed, WHATEVER, its all BS!!! I mean for god's sake when you needed him the MOST he was nowhere to be found, wouldn't even respond to your very sincere text messages...i mean who does that???? Wake up woman and see the red flags this man is leaving all over the place, stop obsessing over him, he's not the guy you THINK he is, look at his actions. If he couldn't be there for you when you needed him the most, when you were ready to leave your husband, accept his 3 kids, move to a different country...what makes you think you're then that special to him, or that he truly loves you on that level, that he would actually be there for you if you guys were together???

Don't get me wrong, I am 110% positive that he cares for you, and loves you on some level, but he also cares/loves for his girlfriend, if he didn't he would have left her, LETS BE REAL HERE, no matter what he says that he "doesn't love her", she still means more to him then you....if you meant more...he'd be with you not her, NO EXCUSE.

 

He spent over £1000 on visiting me/hotel rooms/a necklace. Even his brother said he'd never seen him try to impress a woman so much. If he was a player, wouldn't it have been cheaper to find someone in his own country? If he was a player, why didn't he just call it quits after the 5 days of sex on the boat? It would have been so easy to walk away at that stage.

 

Why do you think he called me last Friday? It set me back so much hearing how much he was missing me and how miserable he was.

 

Do you think this is it now that I've said I'm disappearing and will never talk to him again? I mean are there ever instances of them never contacting again?

 

I'm in agonising pain over this...I never thought I'd have to go through this level or heart ache again...

 

As Overtaxed said, men will do ANYTHING for sex...gifts, dates, words, whatever. How do you know hes being sincere and is just not after some "fun"? Well he would be with you when presented with the opportunity, not make an excuse on why he cant be with you. When i gave gifts to the woman i had an affair with it wasn't for sex, i wanted to be with her, that's how you know the difference.

 

Why fly many miles instead of finding something in his own country?? SIMPLE, YOU'RE HOT, hell, i live in the US but if the girl was THAT HOT I'd fly to Europe in a heartbeat to get some....I'm saying this so you can realize how men function. With us its all about "hotness level", the hotter the girl the greater lengths/risks we willing to go to.

 

Why call last Friday?? I'm gonna say it again, if he wanted to be with you he would, there wouldn't be any excuses, look at yourself as an example. He called because he's trying to string you along as much as possible because he likes the sex, you are hot, easy for him right now and he likes it. He's gonna say and do anything to make you feel special and make you feel how "you're the one" but wrong timing, or wrong situation...but again...if you were that special he'd be with you...don't trust words, trust actions...i learned that the hard way.

 

He chose it even though he was miserable/drinking every night and leaving his gf to deal with the new baby. That's not treating someone with love, and I realise that that shows how flawed his character is. He tried to break up with her while we were together but she threatened to limit his access to the children. He just kept saying he was searching for a solution, a way we could have a future...I guess he did the respectable thing.

 

Do you think he is hurting too? Or that I've just slipped right out of his memory? He put so much in to this - was so determined to be with me and begging me to leave my husband. He said he'd never marry her, and he felt I was the kind of woman he could see himself marrying. Surely this pain must be plaguing him too? Will he reach out one day? I will NEVER reach out first. I must sound crazy, but that's why I'm here I guess...

 

Please read what you wrote above "he chose it even thou he was miserable"....i mean come on...how can you believe that?? If a total stranger told you that, how ridiculous would that sound to you?? People don't stay miserable if there is an alternative in their life that brings positiveness to them. Look at yourself, frustrated with husband due to sex, didn't cheat the whole time BUT when the right person came around....not only did you cheat but off you almost went, to a different country...note how i said the right person, so either he is lying to you that he's THAT miserable or you're not as special to him as you think you are.

 

In this DNA age nobody can stop you from having access to your children, where there is a will there is a way. Its nothing but EXCUSES to keep you believing how HE HAS to stay with her because he has no other choice, BS, if there is a will there is a way, he'd be with you if he wanted.

 

I realise that sex was mixed up in it (the best sex he had ever experienced supposedly). But really is it worth all that time, energy and money just for sex? He was the one obsessed with moving to the UK to be with me. It was only once reality started to dawn that he reconsidered, because he worried about his children.

 

Best sex ever...read few stories on this forum and you'll quickly realize they all say that to keep you attached.

 

Also...hell yes that all the energy, and money is WELL worth the sex if the girl is hot enough.

 

One of my jobs is as a portrait and nude model for several international artists and am in very good shape. And I am approached by men often. I have no problems in this respect. This is why it hurts MORE to be with someone who doesn't want sex that often, because I feel like other men are often trying to get me into bed but I have been 100% faithful to my husband, until now. I have felt like my youth is being wasted, because I have a very high sex drive and I am completely unsatisfied.

 

And I'm sorry to say the girlfriend IS extremely overweight. I have found her on social media - she has always been this way (I can see photos of her years before any of the children and she is still very, very overweight). He told me he had low self-esteem when he got together with her. He always commented on how he had managed to get a girl like me interested in him. He was not my usual type, but there was an instant attraction, so much so that we both were shocked when we set eyes on one another.

 

And he did break up with the girlfriend when he was with me. She was sending him messages saying she was going to pack all his stuff up and dump it outside the house, another time she said she was going to kill herself and that he would have to deal with the children, and then she said she wasn't going to let him be at the birth of the baby. I saw these messages. He said she said if he left, she would make it very hard for him to see their children. And that he had only wanted 1 child, but that she kept 'forgetting' to take the pill.

 

I know there are some cliches. But really, every situation is different. I know I did mean something, and I know he found me very physically attractive.

 

I really don't mean to sound arrogant in any way because that is NOT who I am. I am very kind and gentle. Maybe if I was a bit tougher I would be able to hold it together a bit more :-(

 

If you are THAT hot compared to her but he still chose her, even thou he's supposedly miserable...you know what that means?? He will never, ever, ever....EVER, leave her.

 

Also, we guys are crafty AS HELL!!! The messages from his "GF"...how do you know he didn't change his brothers name to her name and had his brother text all that?? Or have 2 phones and text one phone from other? Just saying, it's a possibility.

 

And you really think he will be back in touch *just* for sex, even though he's in another country? Even though I've said I won't answer him?!

 

Hell YES, and lets be real here...if he wants it from you, he will most likely get it, i don't wanna sound mean right now but you are still VERY vulnerable to him and he can and WILL exploit it every chance he gets....and if he calls/texts....you will answer, you're not strong enough yet to say NO because you haven't taken the time to yourself to figure out wth you are doing with your life.

 

Because he was seriously in the mindset that we had a chance at a future with each other. Of course he knew she was pregnant. But he knew I would run a mile if I knew that on the boat.

 

If he cheats all the time then WHY didn't he leave it all on the boat? Why push and push and push for me? Why? he could have had a clean break. It was ME who suggested not talking to each other after the boat.

 

Also, if he is such a cheater, used to this sort of life, WHY did he insist on meeting my mum, who came on a train 2 hours to meet us? Don't you think that's a bit weird? Also he told everyone he was going to be with me - his brother, his colleagues at work, his cousin, his brother's girlfriend. He was like a lovesick puppy.

 

He even found contact details for someone who could get me work in Belgium. He went to such lengths to try and make it work for me in his country.

 

I know it's tempting to treat ALL affairs the same, with a cynical outlook. But really, isn't every situation individual?

 

You gotta stop defending him and rationalizing his decisions when you have NO IDEA what he actually wants. How do you know he was serious?? Why, because he met your mom?? Because he insisted you meet his brother??? Those are all web strings to get you attached, to make you think how you're somehow different for him and that he never did this before with another girl...its all lies!!! I have a friend who drove 250miles ONE way with a girl to visit her grandma just so he could get some from her...think about it.

 

As far as the job...again words VS action, when push came to shove he was nowhere to be found along with "someone who could get you work".

 

But why insist on meeting my mum? He said it was because she was important to me and he wanted to get to know my family. But I tried to put him off the idea. He insisted!

 

He insisted because its all part of the game, to make you feel different and special, any guy reading this will probably agree.

 

If great sex with an attractive woman is so hard to find, and men are so motivated by it that they will pay lots of money/travel hundreds of miles, the implication is that he will be back looking for it again, no?

 

Yes, he will be back if you let him.

 

I'm not going to do anything about my husband until I am thinking clearly and am over the affair. Then I will consider what to do. I can't make a rational decision while heartbroken. The post isn't about my husband (who I agree deserves better) but about the affair.

 

While i can on some level "feel" your story this comment here made you look like a selfish, heartless person and you will most likely get some weird reply's from this comment. What you're saying, in other words, had your affair "made it" you would have destroyed your husband without ANY hesitation, on the spot, without a blink of an eye, however because it didn't make it now he's "good enough" until you figure it out....how selfish of you and how UNFAIR to your husband!!!!!

You can consider yourself LUCKY your husband didn't find out, YET, depending if you continue with this shenanigans. I pray you find the strength in you to put your selfishness aside NOW and give that man a divorce, you'll destroy his heart but you wont destroy his soul unless he finds about the cheating. You clearly have been gone from him for a while now.

The most shocking thing honestly about all of this is reading and realizing how little you actually care for your husband. I mean it wasn't until page 3 that you FINALLY mentioned what your plans are for him, until now its all about you you you and more you, wanting to live in this fantasy with your Belgian guy, trying to defend his actions, not even feeling guilty for what you did...don't say you feel guilty, you don't, we know, we can tell, we've been there just like you...as a matter of fact i don't think i even read anywhere you using a word guilty for what you did or regretting it....that should be an eye opener for you and a start...start as in give that man a divorce, he deserves that at least.

 

But that still doesn't explain why he reached out to me last Friday? And on the Sunday too he called. Both times to tell me how much he missed me, thought of me every day, *had* to see me, wanted to find a solution, kept wondering whether we could have a future together...

He never had to contact me again. I thought it was over. Why get in touch again if he really was pretending to be happy about me considering coming to be with him. And why did he go out of his way to find contact details for someone in my line of work?

 

If you want something you'll make it happen, if you don't, you'll find an excuse.

 

I truly hope you find time and read multiple stories on this forum and realize how all of our stories are very similar to yours and what will wait for you if you don't make drastic changes to your life. You can still consider yourself lucky because your husband doesn't know anything yet.

However this is also about you, you're a victim in this also. This Belgian man is NOT for you, he is stringing you along and telling you what you wanna hear in order to keep you around because you're hot, probably even praying on your moms story to make you believe how its "possible". You can still salvage your life by making drastic changes to it and saving yourself ALOT of pain down the road, and more importantly saving everybody from getting destroyed by the tornado that you currently are.

 

BLOCK HIM AND NEVER LOOK BACK....go back to page 1 and read all of our replies to you...we all are saying the EXACT same thing, total strangers, telling you you're being used...open your eyes and stop making excuses for him, desperately grasping onto anything to convince yourself "hes the one"...hes not and as Overtaxed said "you'll blow up your life trying to make this into something it's not".

 

Good luck to you...and welcome to the forum.

[Overtaxed]

^^ This post should be a sticky ^^

 

I can't add anything to it other than to say to the OP, everything said above is what you need to understand, reflect on, and come to realize as the truth.

 

And, when you do, you're going to be very sad, please come back for support in doing whatever you need to do; moving on from your H, telling him, or living with the secret. None of these are going to be easy. And there are posters here who've done all of them, so I'm sure you'll get help here.

 

Your post is just a classic example of "how this happens" and "how it tears your life apart"; it's heartbreaking to me, and I'm sure a lot of other posters, because it's very obvious what's going on here, you'll probably look back in a few years, and perhaps re-read this thread and think, "Wow, how did they know". We know because we've been there before. We've either been cheated on, we've been the guy who's stringing a girl along, or we've seen some of this happen in our personal lives with other people. It's part of the dance between men and women, and, sadly, this is part where we're not at all in sync. Men are break dancing and women are waltzing. The answer to so many of the WW's questions that are on here really can be summed up in one word "sex". The endless analysis, the replaying of scenarios over and over and the justifications (it had to be something else); it's so common for WW's and it's really painful for me, and I suspect others, to watch. The answer is right there, right in front of you, and you can't accept it because of what it means, but also because it makes no sense at all to you or most other women. I mean, go to all this length for sex? Why would anyone do that?!

 

We (men) do that because sex has immense value to us. Far greater than the value it has to nearly any woman because, not only do we value it greatly, but it's also very scarce for us. That's the thing women will never understand because sex is like air for them, breathe in and you'll find it. Sex is like platinum to men, has to be mined out of the earth, endlessly refined, and then finally, at the end; after a million different activities, finally, you have it. Women won't ever understand this at their core because, for you, it's not as important (in my analogy, most women prefer gold to platinum anyway) and even if it is, it's readily available for you anytime you'd like it from just about any single guy (and many married) you'd like to have it with.

[MJJean]

But that still doesn't explain why he reached out to me last Friday? And on the Sunday too he called. Both times to tell me how much he missed me, thought of me every day, *had* to see me, wanted to find a solution, kept wondering whether we could have a future together...

 

He never had to contact me again. I thought it was over. Why get in touch again if he really was pretending to be happy about me considering coming to be with him. And why did he go out of his way to find contact details for someone in my line of work?

 

Easy. You were talking about leaving your marriage for him. He can't have that happen. That's taking future faking and making it into reality. Now that you know he's not leaving his GF and their kids, he's hoping you'll still have sex with him.

 

Also, his GF is very busy with two mobile children and a brand new baby that needs a lot of time and attention. Not to mention she can't have sex for at least 6 weeks while she heals from the birth. He needs his ego kibbles and attention. He's not getting it from her as she is too busy raising his kids, so that leaves you.

[Transitions12]

^^ This post should be a sticky ^^

 

I can't add anything to it other than to say to the OP, everything said above is what you need to understand, reflect on, and come to realize as the truth.

 

And, when you do, you're going to be very sad, please come back for support in doing whatever you need to do; moving on from your H, telling him, or living with the secret. None of these are going to be easy. And there are posters here who've done all of them, so I'm sure you'll get help here.

 

Your post is just a classic example of "how this happens" and "how it tears your life apart"; it's heartbreaking to me, and I'm sure a lot of other posters, because it's very obvious what's going on here, you'll probably look back in a few years, and perhaps re-read this thread and think, "Wow, how did they know". We know because we've been there before. We've either been cheated on, we've been the guy who's stringing a girl along, or we've seen some of this happen in our personal lives with other people. It's part of the dance between men and women, and, sadly, this is part where we're not at all in sync. Men are break dancing and women are waltzing. The answer to so many of the WW's questions that are on here really can be summed up in one word "sex". The endless analysis, the replaying of scenarios over and over and the justifications (it had to be something else); it's so common for WW's and it's really painful for me, and I suspect others, to watch. The answer is right there, right in front of you, and you can't accept it because of what it means, but also because it makes no sense at all to you or most other women. I mean, go to all this length for sex? Why would anyone do that?!

We (men) do that because sex has immense value to us. Far greater than the value it has to nearly any woman because, not only do we value it greatly, but it's also very scarce for us. That's the thing women will never understand because sex is like air for them, breathe in and you'll find it. Sex is like platinum to men, has to be mined out of the earth, endlessly refined, and then finally, at the end; after a million different activities, finally, you have it. Women won't ever understand this at their core because, for you, it's not as important (in my analogy, most women prefer gold to platinum anyway) and even if it is, it's readily available for you anytime you'd like it from just about any single guy (and many married) you'd like to have it with.

THis does not apply to ALL men, FYI. I know men this def does not apply to. However, I am a woman, and it could totally apply to ME.

[What_Did_I_Do]

But that still doesn't explain why he reached out to me last Friday? And on the Sunday too he called. Both times to tell me how much he missed me, thought of me every day, *had* to see me, wanted to find a solution, kept wondering whether we could have a future together...

 

He never had to contact me again. I thought it was over. Why get in touch again if he really was pretending to be happy about me considering coming to be with him. And why did he go out of his way to find contact details for someone in my line of work?

 

Why? Who knows. My guess is he's feeling a bit neglected now with the new baby and needs a boost on the side (you).

 

Lost, he isn't going to leave - read my thread :-( . There is no running off into the sunset for you two. Not with 3 small children.

 

As hard as it is, send him a text wishing him the best of luck and to leave you alone. You need to heal. Then figure out what to do with your M.

[Overtaxed]

[/u][/b]

THis does not apply to ALL men, FYI. I know men this def does not apply to. However, I am a woman, and it could totally apply to ME.

 

No it does not. But the kind of men who seek and engage in A's, yes, I think it's the vast majority, I do. Do I know it? Nope, not sure it's even something that's knowable. But, end of the day, most male/female interactions are about sex for a man (assuming it's not work or something else), I do truly believe that.

 

The way you view sex may very well be more like a man. But where it digresses is you know, as do I, that you could have sex with 5 different guys today you've never laid eyes on before if you wanted to. Yes, you have a high drive (which I think it what you're saying), but there's no scarcity for you, because, as a woman, sex is as easy as asking. That's not the case for men, most of us have a much higher drive for it and a dramatically lower availability. We're very "resource constrained" to use the economic term. You have a high demand, but a limitless supply, so, while more similar than most women, you'll never experience the "crisis" like a man does.

[SeenNotHeard]

OT your points seem logical and personally, I have to agree for the most part this is what I have witnessed too. Would like in some instances to believe your statements are inaccurate, but all the dots line up. I am a high sex drive woman, but a connection is still a priority and for the most part that is a female value. JMHO.

 

OP, your MM has too much to loose he has made his choice, sorry for your pain. No contact really does work.

[Transitions12]

No it does not. But the kind of men who seek and engage in A's, yes, I think it's the vast majority, I do. Do I know it? Nope, not sure it's even something that's knowable. But, end of the day, most male/female interactions are about sex for a man (assuming it's not work or something else), I do truly believe that.

 

The way you view sex may very well be more like a man. But where it digresses is you know, as do I, that you could have sex with 5 different guys today you've never laid eyes on before if you wanted to. Yes, you have a high drive (which I think it what you're saying), but there's no scarcity for you, because, as a woman, sex is as easy as asking. That's not the case for men, most of us have a much higher drive for it and a dramatically lower availability. We're very "resource constrained" to use the economic term. You have a high demand, but a limitless supply, so, while more similar than most women, you'll never experience the "crisis" like a man does.

 

LOL for once I agree with that crisis statement. Obviously much easier to get laid at any given time for a woman than a man. I have a very limited supply because I'm married. LOL Hes LOW DRIVE (due to narcotics) and I'm HIGH drive always have been . But I cant just go out and sleep around. For one, that's not who I am as a person and two , its dangerous, and of course the main thing, I'm married. The A I'm entagled in atm had everything to do with sex and nothing to do with a connection. Wasn't even attracted to this dude. SO not my type at all in any sort of way.

The problem with being married and cheating, is, you really really have to trust the person for a long time because the ball can drop at any moment.

That's why its so hard to end an A , imo. Trust is so hard to find, and ironically saying trust because the person is cheating, but you do find that trust in them in some way. MY A has lasted on and off for 2 years due to the fact that I know HE has never told a soul, and Ive been safe with that. So for me is was more about that than some soulmate searching connection.

[lostintheuk]

I have read all of your posts many times over and would like to thank you for all of your time and advice. Even the harsher posts (but mostly the ones where you are kind to me).

 

I realise I have been VERY STUPID in all of this. And selfish. I had been starved of passion and sex and when I met this man, the chemistry was so great that I knew I had a chance to get away with a few days of passion. I thought I could take the secret to my grave and no one would know once I'd left the boat. It would be over and I could write it off as a wonderful experience.

 

When he called me to tell me about his children on the first night I got home my gut said RUN RUN RUN. It's OVER. Why didn't I listen? But he was so infatuated, so interested and it felt so good to have him there wanting me all the time. It gave my life such a boost (I'm going through grad school and it's a very very stressful time for me). He would drive to hotels (to get wi-fi) and sit there waiting for me to call him, for hours. He downloaded soppy songs and played them and thought every single one was talking about 'our love'. He thought it was 'fate' that we met. I felt so powerful. I remember him getting angry at me because I went for dinner with my husband and another man and he wanted to call me and felt neglected because I couldn't call that evening. I had two men at my fingertips and it felt good (yes, SELFISH, I know).

 

I kept telling him he had to wait for me until I finished my course. The reality is, I didn't know whether I could actually leave my husband for him. I had to buy time. Because I knew in my gut we were so different. He was rough and very coarse - he would spit on the street (something I HATE and is illegal in this country I think), had a criminal record when he was a teenager, had a brother in prison, had been expelled from school and had not seen much of the world. I work as a successful lecturer and artist's model, have a high education and am very feminine and confident. I have always had a close and loving family (he had a very very neglected childhood). I am VERY comfortable in my body, sexually. I am used to posing nude and having the paintings sell to people all over the world. He wasn't comfortable in this respect and actually apologised to me about his 'size' in case I thought he was too small(!). Honestly, he wasn't smooth and he was lacking in confidence. We were chalk and cheese. When we were on the boat our colleague commented that I had a very positive effect on him and he seemed much calmer around me. When we were in Belgium the owner of the B&B told him he should make me his wife because I was lovely (the irony). Many people might think - what was I thinking? What did I see in him? But I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to rip his clothes off because I think in biological terms our genes probably would have made strong babies. Honestly that's what I think this boils down to.

 

At the end of the trip to Belgium, his brother, him and I went to a car show. I have no interest in fast cars at all. And when they took me back to the train station I sat in the back while they raced some other boy racer on the road and thought 'Who am I?! What is happening with my life? I'm going to end this when I get back. This isn't me'. But in the station we kissed and hugged for ages and ages and he had tears in his eyes when he was saying goodbye. He said he was burning inside. I know at this point, IN THIS (albeit fleeting) MOMENT, whatever anyone says, he did love me.

 

Deep down I know what has happened. He has too much to lose. It would be too risky with me. His poor girlfriend takes care of everything - the 3 children, his washing, cooking. He has a good life in this respect. Why would he gamble it all for me?

 

Besides, it's only when he started to back off a little bit that I thought about ditching everything for him. When I felt the power slipping away. To try and keep the affair going and the wonderful feelings it produced. In reality, I'm not sure I could have done it. Left my successful career and loving husband for a new, messy start in a country where I know no one, don't know the language and have an ex-girlfriend and children who hate me. I'm not sure I could have really been with a man like him. I'm not sure in reality I could have left my husband who is adoring and kind and cultured. He would have been heartbroken. I might have been miserable and tried to go back. He might have been miserable and gone back to her. It was all too much.

 

People always say 'he/she is where she wants to be'. Speaking as the married woman, at the end of the summer when I was going to make my decision, I probably would have stayed with my husband. For many reasons: logic, fear of the unknown, giving up a man who is decent and kind, too much RISK in every area of my life. Despite that, I'm not sure you could say 'I was where I wanted to be'. It's not so black and white. I would have made the decision to stay, but it would still have been crushing. I would always wonder 'what if I'd taken a punt on him and gone to be with him in Belgium'. I still would have loved him.

 

Honestly I think the most painful thing in all of this is how vulnerable I feel now. Because I no longer have any control. He didn't call me when I issued the ultimatum. Yet he was too cowardly to tell me it was over. I suspect, reading all your comments about sex, that he hasn't told me it's over completely because he wants to keep the door open. If he came back, I bet it would feel like an anti-climax, because I would have the control again and go back to not caring as much. It was all about a push and pull of power.

 

Origin is right. At the moment I am weak and vulnerable. I'm on Day 6 of NC. At the beginning I felt ok, but some days I wake up and I just cry and cry because I would give anything to look into his eyes and sleep with him again. Does he ever think of me do you think? On those long days driving? When he sees a church or castle or something that I would like? He loved that I loved historical buildings.

 

Sometimes I blame myself and am suddenly overwhelmed with crippling self-doubt - was I not 'good enough' for him? Did he not like that I was intelligent? Maybe he didn't like that I was so confident with my body? Was I not pretty enough? Too demanding? Was it because I can't IRON and be a house-wife?!!! Maybe men don't like driven women? Maybe he prefers the comforting, obese, mothering figure to the sensuous, risky, free-spirited figure (I have no children anchoring me). All these thoughts creep into my mind and poison it when I'm feeling weak.

 

Sometimes I desperately wish we could have had an arrangement where we see each other a few times a year, and we both stay in our situations. I would have gone for this like a shot. But it was all or nothing for him. He chose nothing.

 

Sometimes in my most desperate times I think about giving myself three months to get over it, and then if I still have feelings I think about going to Belgium and turning up at his work. I know if he physically saw and heard me (the British accent appears to work wonders in Europe) it would be difficult for him. It would all start up again.

 

Yes, I know. It's ridiculous. It's dangerous thinking. I am selfish and flawed in so many ways. Why can't I just turn these feelings off and devote myself to my husband?

 

But if I can't be honest here, where can I be honest? And I feel so sad...The forum keeps me going...thank you for being there for me.

[stillafool]

One thing is true in your post you are selfish and flawed. You seem to be hung up on your looks, education and basically yourself. Everything is about you and you talk as if everyone else is beneath you.

 

 

Maybe he prefers the comforting, obese, mothering figure to the sensuous, risky, free-spirited figure (I have no children anchoring me). All these thoughts creep into my mind and poison it when I'm feeling weak.

 

 

I guess you are referring to his wife in your statement above. Are you ignorant enough to think that all women who are mothers are as you describe above? Plus you know nothing of his wife's personality as she may be kind, generous, loving and faithful. My husband and I don't have kids either but I respect women who are mothers above all women. They don't deserve to be talked about the way you did above. I feel sorry for your husband because he has a wife who can only love herself. You admit that you would have no problem seeing this man on an annual basis just to meet your selfish needs. I think you need therapy to get to the bottom of your selfishness.

[lostintheuk]

That's completely untrue. I am hurting and venting. I KNOW I am flawed. I know I need to work on myself. And I know my husband deserves more. I do deeply respect mothers. But please refrain from judging me so harshly, as you seem to be doing each time. I have come here for support and I fully acknowledge that what has happened is WRONG and immoral.

[Imajerk17]

That's completely untrue. I am hurting and venting. I KNOW I am flawed. I know I need to work on myself. And I know my husband deserves more. I do deeply respect mothers. But please refrain from judging me so harshly, as you seem to be doing each time. I have come here for support and I fully acknowledge that what has happened is WRONG and immoral.

 

That is a start but it is only a start. Now you need to be thinking about how to put things right. In particular, your husband needs to know what you have been doing behind his back and whether your marriage can be saved going forward.

 

You say your husband deserves better, how are you going to give it to him.