Relationship chaos :/

[unforgettable]

Sorry for the long post. I would like to start saying that I feel as though I have always cared for my ex and fell in love with her and see a future together. I would really appreciate any help or tips to how I can win her back again. She is really important to me and I very much so want her back. Thanks in advance.

 

We were together for about 10 months total, it was serious, but we had occasional arguments and it got worse over time. I broke up with her after the 6th month for about 2-3 weeks and we made up and I ended up breaking up with her again after the 10th month a year ago exactly from now (mid June). It was because of a combination of her getting really serious and me feeling pressured and also the fights situation wasn't improving.

 

She tried extremely hard to get me back, writing me essays and posts on Instagram, crying to me over the phone multiple times.. and I never even gave her another chance. For a few months I traveled and haven't talked to her much other then occasional text. After that we started to talk and every month or 2 later I would come see her and we would be very close every time almost to the point of starting again, although remembering our fights always kept me from taking the next step. We would hold hands and sometimes kiss but I never let it go further than that. In the meantime she had a boob-job and she also told me she had an abortion with another man she dated that absolutely destroyed me, even though I tried my best not to show it. I helped her cope throughout the process even though it killed me.

 

I met her again for the 6th or 7th time and decided that I was gonna get back with her that day finally. We held hands and connected as usual and went to the park and had a great time in the afternoon. She asked me out to a movie or a club and offered me to bring my friend too. Of course I agreed to the movie, fast&furious 7, because I was never into clubs. Later when I picked up my friend to my house, he convinced me to go to the club instead. He and my ex were both ecstatic. This is the first time I ever agreed to go to a club with her because I never was into that scene, so it made it really special for her.

 

For whatever reason during the ride (she drove us), I noticed guys we texting her and I felt extremely hurt and jealous and I turned into somebody else. I completely ignored her the entire night. Wouldn't let her touch me. Wouldn't look at her even. I've never been like that in my life and to this day I regret doing that. I am not ever like this and feel as though this was a huge nightmare I couldn't control. She even bought us a couple very expensive drinks and I refused to drink it (although I thought my friend had paid for it not her, she didn't want me to know she paid for it for some reason). She cried a couple times during the night, I didn't budge. She drove me home that night and I broke down admitting to her everything, that I wanted to get back together that day and was hurt and jealous when I saw the other guys messaging her phone. We both cried a little. I asked to sleep at her house and she agreed.

 

I went in my house for 2 minuted to get some stuff and when I was getting in her car she said that I would have to sleep in a different bed, I got really upset again and immediately left the car and went home. Since then we were texting back and forth and we got to the conclusion we would start dating again.. Until a few minutes later when I messed it all up by saying that it bothered me the way she was dressed that night at the club and not to dress like that with me (she wore very revealing outfit). Big mistake. She freaked out on me and said she didn't want me anymore, and to leave her alone. After a couple days texting back and forth I decide to go see her at her work, even bought her a little gift. It went okay, she said she needed a few days to herself, to think about it. After the few days I texted her and she said that she didn't want it anymore.

 

April 18- I decided to go all out all or nothing. I asked to meet her at her house, told her everything on my mind, tried my best to make up, telling her I loved her. She gave me a clear cut rejection, last resort I basically begged her.. then I left it at that and to call me if she changes her mind.

 

April 22 - she asked for help with her sisters phone that i had sold to her several months back and I helped her the next day over the phone. she texted later that night "thank you for everything", I didn't reply and had decided to start NC.

 

April 24 - I started NC, I did not send any message initiating it..

April 27 - she drunk texts me at 3am "Hi" "I just wanted to say that I loved" I replied the next morning with "Me too" and she replies with "Sorry" "I was really drunk?" I said "Thought so" and she says "Sorry" again.

May 9 - In the morning, her mother texted me asking if everything is okay. I replied back that all was fine. Later that day my ex tags me in a Facebook video that basically stated in our relationship that she was very in love with me and that its about 'consistency' and that's how the video ended. iI didn't understand this... My guess is she tried to show me why it didn't work? lack of consistency?

May 17 - she called me crying on the phone, she wasn't okay, I tried to calm her down but also talked about our relationship and asked to meet and talk. I also texted, and was turned down.

May 30 - Her mother texts me happy holidays (Jewish holiday), I reply back of course. Her mother really loves me and has always been extremely nice to me.

June 6 - She sent me a "beep" on waze (gps app) 3 times until i ended up beeping her back, but only after 5 minutes (I was thinking about it for a while :/).

June 17 - Her mother liked 3 of my Instagram pics and I liked back one of hers a couple days later. I just hope my ex doesn't see that and think of it as a move forward from me.

 

June 22 (today) - It has been 60 days since I last initiated a conversation with her. I am getting laser eye surgery next week and thought I would message her after I recover, which is about 2 weeks from now.. Or I can send a message in a few days before the surgery. Or try something different?

 

I would appreciate all and any advice or opinions or tips or help or any feedback at all. Thank you.

[somanymistakes]

What sort of things did you fight about when you were dating?

 

If you being upset with her getting attention from guys or dressing too sexy or things like that has always been a problem for you, I think you may have to give up on this one. Yes, you both care about each other, but if you can't accept her for who she is and it keeps building up into anger that eventually bursts out, it will always be a disaster.

 

If it really was a complete aberration on your part you need to figure out WHY you acted that way and how to deal with it. Is it because you're deeply bothered about the abortion? It's understandable, that's an upsetting thing, but again if you actually can't cope with that then you can't get back together.

[unforgettable]

Thanks for the reply. We fought about stupid things mostly. She would get emotional at times and is pretty stubborn.. I was too. I don't even remember the things we fought about. Once because she made me a toast with cheese and I changed it up and put like pizza sauce on it and she got offended lol? Nothing too serious. Sometimes she would say I don't listen to her and always think I was right and she was wrong? I happen to disagree though. In any case these fights weren't that terrible now that I think of it.

 

You couldn't be more wrong about me though. I have learned a lot through my past relationships and have grown as a person. I don't get jealous when I trust my partner, but even so I would never get upset or angry at her. What happened that on night is a fluke and would never happen again. I am a sensitive but open guy and a don't "burst out".

 

What I think happened that day is I was tipsy and pictured the night to go perfectly and got a shock when I saw she had multiple conversations with other guys on her phone. We haven't been together for so long so it's understandable, but in my point of view that night it felt like my she crushed me and I was instantly turned off and did what I did.

 

I definitely believe we still have a chance together and would appreciate any advice or help in how to get her back Thanks

[spiderowl]

Obviously, I don't know what was going on in your ex's mind to make her react the way she did but can offer some thoughts ...

 

You dumped her twice. She is bound to feel very insecure about you coming back and saying you want a relationship with her again. While you've been away, she will have been building friendships - maybe more - with other guys, and why not? She is perfectly entitled to her own social life - after all you weren't in it.

 

So you come back and expect her to be as before, all for you and not having formed links with anyone else. It just doesn't work like that. She was hurt at you dumping her, she's had to cope with this and become more independent despite the hurt, then you want to walk in and complain about her making you jealous and dressing up for other guys. You just can't do that. No wonder she backed off.

 

It sounds to me as if you are inconsistent with her. You want her then you don't. You love her then you get upset or angry. She needs loving consistency. Your fears are undermining your ability to be like that with her. She is naturally afraid if she gets involved with you again you will be controlling and then maybe dump her again. If you really want her to take such a risk, you are going to have to work on your own insecurities and stop taking her for granted.

 

No woman in their right mind would take a guy back after he dumped her twice. You have an uphill struggle trying to persuade her she should. The best way to persuade her is to work on your insecurities to become the consistent person she needs.

Edited June 22, 2017 by spiderowl