k717 Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 This is gonna be a long one. So I've been with my boyfriend for a year and 8 months. We've been living together for the past 8 months. Everything was okay for the most part (aside from getting used to not having my own place) and we had a healthy sex life. We'd have sex two or three times a week, sometimes once a week, which was still okay since I was used to that, as before we moved in together we only saw each other about once a week. I have a very high sex drive, higher than my boyfriend's, and I could go multiple times a day. So things were good for a while, until we got a puppy in March. I didn't want a dog as I knew I wasn't ready for the responsibility but he was dying for one and I wanted to make him happy, so I gave in. Of course she is a lot of work and requires our constant attention so naturally our sex life took a turn..basically like having a kid haha. We would still have sex at first but the dog would just sit there and bark at us the whole time which is very distracting and takes away from the moment. So at one point we went a whole month without having sex. After we finally did, we said okay we need to have more sex, yet after that we didn't have sex for another two weeks. Here we are again coming up on another two weeks without sex. I have tried to initiate several times and he tells me he is not in the mood or too tired. He definitely has a history of being tired all the time. He was like that before we moved in together but that never effected our sex life like this-I'm working on convincing him to make a doctors appointment for this. So there's the sex part of this. Then there's the intimacy part, which I don't mean in a sexual way-intimacy as in cuddling, romantic touches (not just a random boob or butt grab that doesn't lead anywhere!), talking about things other than work, just connecting on a more emotional level. For instance, we will go to bed and be on our phones or laptops instead of talking or even saying goodnight. It's so depressing. I feel that we're just roommates sometimes. It's hard for us to cuddle on the couch as when we do the puppy wants to play and we have to oblige or she'll just bark forever (trying to train her to stop excessive barking). I find myself irritated and so stressed every single day at home, which sucks because home is supposed to be my safe haven. But I don't even enjoy it anymore. I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me, but I don't really *feel* loved, you know? I need attention. Affection. I know the puppy is taking a lot of his attention, but I can't help but feel resentment about it and mad at myself for giving in to getting her. He said he would give her away if that's what it took but I said no way, he loves her and I don't want to be that person that gets a pet and gives it away because they can't handle it. Plus I know she'll get better the older she gets. And it's not like it's impossible to make time for this stuff just because we have a dog-we HAVE to make time but I don't know how when we don't get alone time at home anymore, or at least don't get uninterrupted alone time. All that being said, there are some other issues (dog generally drives me crazy, I have issues within myself to work on that I feel are harder to work on with such a stressful/frustrating/depressing home life, and I feel I have no space of my own). I feel like all this is too much too fast-i went from never having dated anyone to moving in with him barely a year later and then getting a dog. It's just a lot, but I want to make it work. So I'm considering moving out at the end of our lease in October. But not breaking up-just temporarily living separately again. I feel like maybe it'd help us appreciate our time together again and give us time to miss each other, not to mention help me not want to rip my hair out every night at home. Before we started living together I was the happiest I've ever been and I just want to get back to that if we can. Moving out feels like the right decision but it's also terrifying! What if we just grow further apart? I talked to him about all of this over the weekend and of course he's upset and thinks we're going to break up if I move out. He said he feels horrible because he's really happy and it hurts him to know that I'm not as happy. I want to be with him but if we can't work this out then I'm afraid I will have to end it...please, any advice is so greatly appreciated. I'm at a loss here and have been crying so much because I don't know what the right thing to do is.
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Hon, I am a dog owner and I am telling you to re-home the dog. Find it a nice home to go to. The dog is just a puppy it will adjust just fine in another home. You need to do this now while she-he is still a baby. In a year or 2 it will be too hard to re-home it. To be a good dog owner you both need to be fully commited to it and YES it is like having a kid except it's like having a kid that will never grow up. A dog has the consciousness of a 2 year old child. It usually lives up to 13-14 years so having a kid is like having a todler that will remain a todler for 13 years. It does not get THAT easier. See my dog turned 10 last April and I still need to spend my every night at home. It is a lot of responsibilities, it limits your where-abouts, it's expensive. If you are not 100% in it, don't do it. The dog was too much too soon for you and for your relationship. In 2 to 3 years you can think again about getting one. 1
Author k717 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 Hon, I am a dog owner and I am telling you to re-home the dog. Find it a nice home to go to. The dog is just a puppy it will adjust just fine in another home. You need to do this now while she-he is still a baby. In a year or 2 it will be too hard to re-home it. To be a good dog owner you both need to be fully commited to it and YES it is like having a kid except it's like having a kid that will never grow up. A dog has the consciousness of a 2 year old child. It usually lives up to 13-14 years so having a kid is like having a todler that will remain a todler for 13 years. It does not get THAT easier. See my dog turned 10 last April and I still need to spend my every night at home. It is a lot of responsibilities, it limits your where-abouts, it's expensive. If you are not 100% in it, don't do it. The dog was too much too soon for you and for your relationship. In 2 to 3 years you can think again about getting one. Thank you for your reply. I just feel like a horrible person for it. I grew up with dogs all my life, but of course my mom was the one doing all the hard training work. I've never raised one before. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself if I ask him to re-home her. If it does come to that, I have a good friend who said she will take her, and she has experience raising dogs so maybe that'd be for the better.
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Thank you for your reply. I just feel like a horrible person for it. I grew up with dogs all my life, but of course my mom was the one doing all the hard training work. I've never raised one before. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself if I ask him to re-home her. If it does come to that, I have a good friend who said she will take her, and she has experience raising dogs so maybe that'd be for the better. There is absolutely nothing to feel horrible over. You are not a bad person for this. The puppy will be happier if it's in a home where she is fully accepted. I love dogs more than anything but years ago when I divorced, my ex-husband thought it would be a great idea to get a puppy to our daughter to ease the transition. I had him return it. None of us were in a good place to start raising a puppy. It's one of the smartest decision I made for us, and for the puppy. Years later when I was stable and in a right place I got my dog that you see on my avatar that I have for 10 years now. You need to open up sincerely to your boyfriend and tell him everything you told us. Maybe, just maybe, he is using this puppy to put distance between you 2. Maybe he is unsure about your relationship and your future and this dog has become his get-away. There is no reason for the puppy to be in your bedroom when you go to bed and when you're intimate. The pup should be put in a crate with her blanket, away from the bedroom. If he wants her back in the bedroom after intimicy so be it but it almost sounds like the puppy is in the bedroom to avoid intimicy. You will only find out if you speak with him. 1
Author k717 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 (edited) There is absolutely nothing to feel horrible over. You are not a bad person for this. The puppy will be happier if it's in a home where she is fully accepted. I love dogs more than anything but years ago when I divorced, my ex-husband thought it would be a great idea to get a puppy to our daughter to ease the transition. I had him return it. None of us were in a good place to start raising a puppy. It's one of the smartest decision I made for us, and for the puppy. Years later when I was stable and in a right place I got my dog that you see on my avatar that I have for 10 years now. You need to open up sincerely to your boyfriend and tell him everything you told us. Maybe, just maybe, he is using this puppy to put distance between you 2. Maybe he is unsure about your relationship and your future and this dog has become his get-away. There is no reason for the puppy to be in your bedroom when you go to bed and when you're intimate. The pup should be put in a crate with her blanket, away from the bedroom. If he wants her back in the bedroom after intimicy so be it but it almost sounds like the puppy is in the bedroom to avoid intimicy. You will only find out if you speak with him. Thank you so much for that. It helps to hear you've been through something similar. To clarify, she wasn't in the bedroom with us-we started on the couch and decided to put her in her crate and go to the bedroom, so I meant that she was barking in her crate. We don't let her in the bedroom at all. Sorry for not explaining that more clearly in my post. And he said he loves me and wants to be with me/just wants me to be as happy as he is, so I feel confident he's sure about being with me. He's definitely scared it's going to end because of all this though. So I did talk to him about all this on Sunday, and he is willing to re-home her if that's what I think we need to do. But I've adamantly told him no. And what if we re-home her and end up breaking up, then I will have taken away something else he loves. Ugh! Wish this stuff wasn't so hard. I know that she (not her fault of course) is really coming between us, it's just ridiculously difficult to ask him to give her up. Edited June 21, 2017 by k717
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 That friend of yours that is willing to take her about she takes her a couple of weeks as a try out? And see if the pup is really the problem between you 2? 1
stillafool Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Why is the dog in the bedroom with you guys when you are trying to have sex? Why can't he/she be put in her crate somewhere when sex is going to happen? Yes, move out if you feel that strongly about it but if you do you will get less sex than you are having now unless you plan to have sex with other guys too. Is that your plan?
Author k717 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 Why is the dog in the bedroom with you guys when you are trying to have sex? Why can't he/she be put in her crate somewhere when sex is going to happen? Yes, move out if you feel that strongly about it but if you do you will get less sex than you are having now unless you plan to have sex with other guys too. Is that your plan? If you read my last post you will see that she was not in the bedroom with us. Does my post really make it sound like I want to have sex with other guys? Of course I'm not going to do that.
stillafool Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 If you read my last post you will see that she was not in the bedroom with us. Does my post really make it sound like I want to have sex with other guys? Of course I'm not going to do that. Sorry if I misunderstood you but it sounded like the dog was in the room barking while you two were trying to have sex. I'm still confused as to how you think moving out is going to get you more sex from your boyfriend. Or is that not the reason you are moving out? 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 OP, I think I can relate. I had a dog when I was very young and have been around friends, family with pets, but I have never been warm to domesticated animals of any kind. My ex had a dog, cute, but I could not get past the smell, other uninvited guests the dog brought into the home, the pooping and peeing in random parts of the house... Ugh. I could never figure out why the dog was not properly house-trained or accommodated as it had been an indoor pet. I made it clear before we got together that I would not help in maintaining the dog while we were together and luckily, my ex agreed. It wasn't enough, of course. I had to take charge in some instances and that was not part of the deal. Mind you, I don't hate pets, but prefer not to have them. My ex and I came to an agreement...no dog in the bedroom while we were sleeping or having sex, intimate, etc. It didn't stop the dog from whining or scratching the door, but it was a compromise. But it sounds like that and the quickly moving relationship may leave little for compromise? It sounds like to me that you NEED your own space and certainly away from the dog. I would understand that. Have you spoken to your bf about this possible move?
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 This is gonna be a long one. So I've been with my boyfriend for a year and 8 months. We've been living together for the past 8 months. Everything was okay for the most part (aside from getting used to not having my own place) and we had a healthy sex life. We'd have sex two or three times a week, sometimes once a week, which was still okay since I was used to that, as before we moved in together we only saw each other about once a week. I have a very high sex drive, higher than my boyfriend's, and I could go multiple times a day. So things were good for a while, until we got a puppy in March. I didn't want a dog as I knew I wasn't ready for the responsibility but he was dying for one and I wanted to make him happy, so I gave in. Of course she is a lot of work and requires our constant attention so naturally our sex life took a turn..basically like having a kid haha. We would still have sex at first but the dog would just sit there and bark at us the whole time which is very distracting and takes away from the moment. So at one point we went a whole month without having sex. After we finally did, we said okay we need to have more sex, yet after that we didn't have sex for another two weeks. Here we are again coming up on another two weeks without sex. I have tried to initiate several times and he tells me he is not in the mood or too tired. He definitely has a history of being tired all the time. He was like that before we moved in together but that never effected our sex life like this-I'm working on convincing him to make a doctors appointment for this. So there's the sex part of this. Then there's the intimacy part, which I don't mean in a sexual way-intimacy as in cuddling, romantic touches (not just a random boob or butt grab that doesn't lead anywhere!), talking about things other than work, just connecting on a more emotional level. For instance, we will go to bed and be on our phones or laptops instead of talking or even saying goodnight. It's so depressing. I feel that we're just roommates sometimes. It's hard for us to cuddle on the couch as when we do the puppy wants to play and we have to oblige or she'll just bark forever (trying to train her to stop excessive barking). I find myself irritated and so stressed every single day at home, which sucks because home is supposed to be my safe haven. But I don't even enjoy it anymore. I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me, but I don't really *feel* loved, you know? I need attention. Affection. I think your relationship has issues from well before the puppy. I don't see how having a puppy suddenly made him treat you like a room-mate. Is it really related to the arrival of the puppy? He already had a low sex drive when you met him. You are unsatisfied to the point of asking him to seek medical help. How old is your boyfriend? Maybe you are simply not compatible. Before moving together you only dated once a week, that's not enough to really know someone, even after a year dating. Now you are seeing how he is day-to-day and he's not the partner you wished for. I think the puppy added to your already existing problems but I don't think once the puppy gone your boyfriend will turn into the man you want him to be.
Author k717 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 Sorry if I misunderstood you but it sounded like the dog was in the room barking while you two were trying to have sex. I'm still confused as to how you think moving out is going to get you more sex from your boyfriend. Or is that not the reason you are moving out? Yeah I realized it sounded like that and clarified in that other post. That's not the reason I want to move out, I think it would help us appreciate our time together since we'll see less of each other, our time spent together would be actual quality time instead of just sitting there with our phones out. Maybe it would help us feel like we're actually dating again instead of just roommates. I know these things won't automatically happen just from moving out, it's going to take a lot of work to get us back to where we were regardless of what I do. And I feel like maybe I wasn't ready to give up my own space you know?
Author k717 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 I think your relationship has issues from well before the puppy. I don't see how having a puppy suddenly made him treat you like a room-mate. Is it really related to the arrival of the puppy? He already had a low sex drive when you met him. You are unsatisfied to the point of asking him to seek medical help. How old is your boyfriend? Maybe you are simply not compatible. Before moving together you only dated once a week, that's not enough to really know someone, even after a year dating. Now you are seeing how he is day-to-day and he's not the partner you wished for. I think the puppy added to your already existing problems but I don't think once the puppy gone your boyfriend will turn into the man you want him to be. I want him to go to the doctor for his own sake, not mine-I'm pretty sure he has a thyroid issue since he's tired all the time. I have thyroid disease and was exactly like that before being diagnosed. And his sex drive was not a problem before-once a week is perfectly fine like we were doing before. The 2 weeks-a month without sex did not start until we got the puppy. We definitely had issues before we got her, but we were actively and consistently working on them and things were going pretty well. I was not considering moving out at all before we got her so that's why I feel it's the biggest issue. Of course those other things aren't going to go away if she does, but it would make it easier for us to be able to spend the time working through our issues again.
Miss Peach Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 If you think quality time is an issue, have you talked to him about it. Maybe a date night or two? If you want more time as a safe haven, what about doing some things without him so you two can appreciate your time together more?
Author k717 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 If you think quality time is an issue, have you talked to him about it. Maybe a date night or two? If you want more time as a safe haven, what about doing some things without him so you two can appreciate your time together more? Yes I have talked to him about everything I've said here. We do have date night twice a week, once during the week we get dinner and once on the weekend we go out at night. If we don't go out at night on the weekend we usually do something together during the day. I definitely think I need more of my own life. Part of the problem is that I feel too attached to him which isn't healthy. I only have one friend here that I hang out with and no extra money to go out and do a bunch of stuff so sometimes it feels hopeless (in terms of having a fulfilling life outside of the relationship). I'm not sure what to do about that. I'm looking into joining a crossfit gym if I can afford it.
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Yes I have talked to him about everything I've said here. We do have date night twice a week, once during the week we get dinner and once on the weekend we go out at night. If we don't go out at night on the weekend we usually do something together during the day. I definitely think I need more of my own life. Part of the problem is that I feel too attached to him which isn't healthy. I only have one friend here that I hang out with and no extra money to go out and do a bunch of stuff so sometimes it feels hopeless (in terms of having a fulfilling life outside of the relationship). I'm not sure what to do about that. I'm looking into joining a crossfit gym if I can afford it. Did you move to be with him?
Author k717 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 Did you move to be with him? No we've both been here for a few years. I finished college and everyone I hung out with moved back home or to another city :/ I have a few friends at work but haven't hung out with any of them, it's hard for me to make that transition from work to outside friendships. I know nothing will ever progress if I don't try though so I need to.
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