Higapox Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) Well, I started dating a 32yr old guy just over two months ago. We got on great, fancied each other and it was growing nicely. Not too fast, but steady. We spoke everyday. He works away up north Mon-Fri so we've been dating on weekends. We started to have deeper discussions. He has a crazy ex who stabbed him and nearly killed him, but he loved her so forgave her, and from what I've pieced together, they eventually split up not too long ago. He also has an adorable 9 year old daughter who he introduced me to on our last date 3 weeks ago (we all went bowling and had a great time) I suggested to him it was maybe a little early to meet his daughter as we had not discussed being 'official' or anything. But he assured me it was right and that he'd spoken to his daughter about me and after the date he was really happy because his daughter really liked me. Well we continued to talk daily as normal after that, the following weekend he was in Romania so I didn't see him then (still heard from him everyday) but last weekend (not this one just gone the one before) we were supposed to meet on the Saturday night, but he was moving house that weekend and was snowed under so rearranged me for the Sunday. On the Sunday, he cancelled our plans at the last minute saying he'd been called into work. He was very apologetic but I was a little miffed because I'd missed him and also ended up with a wasted weekend waiting around for him (I could have made other arrangements if I'd known he was busy) I asked him to try not to cancel on me last minute if he could help it and he was sorry and agreed. I was a little out of order myself because his reasons for cancelling were understandable. The trouble is, things haven't been right and I haven't seen him since. He didn't initiate any contact with me all the following week, I sent him a message on the Sunday just gone explaining I was sorry if my message had come across poorly when I was disappointed he'd cancelled. I also said in my message that I could sense something was wrong and that I would really appreciate him letting me know if he would like to continue seeing me or not. He replied to me straight away telling me never to be worried to say how I feel, he says I am right, there is some stuff he has going on at the moment but it is nothing at all to do with me and it's not about me in any way, he said he thinks I'm great and that I don't need to worry. He said he was with his daughter so he would respond properly the next day. That was three days ago, and I haven't heard from him. I'm very worried. He doesn't ignore me, and his responses to me are polite. But he does not answer my specific questions. I feel I gave him a sincere opportunity to break things off when I text him. And he hasn't taken it, instead assuring me I haven't done anything but not explaining what is going on. I feel like he is dangling me on a string at this point because I was quite open with how I felt and being the lovely, gentle natured man I had gotten to know, I'm a little hurt he is not being upfront with me here. Is he giving me the brush off but going an odd way about it? Why wouldn't he tell me what's going on if it wasn't something I did? And what do I do in this situation because it is triggering my anxiety quite badly and I'm really struggling to keep myself on an even keel. Unfortunately texting and face to face has been our only form of communications. We do not call each other, purely because our schedules are so busy it's easier to text. So while I've considered trying to call him, i feel he wouldn't answer at the moment and that would make me worse. Thank you to anyone who managed to read all this and keep awake. If anyone has any thoughts on what make be going on or advice I'd really appreciate it. Thanks. Edited June 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 For starters, if your schedules only allow you to see each other on weekends, you need to change your "no talking on the phone" unspoken rule. Sounds to me like something's going on with him that probably is not related to you or anything you've done, but whatever it is could definitely be impacting your relationship. You should call him before your anxiety gets any worse. 1
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 , but he loved her so forgave her, and from what I've pieced together, they eventually split up not too long ago. Here is your problem. He is seeing the ex again. You met the man he was barely out of a relationship, that's a huge gamble to take and most of the time people lose that gamble. Yes he is dangling a carrot at you once in a while because he's uncertain things with ex will patch up or not. If I were you I'd block him and move on. 3
todreaminblue Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 anxiety is killer huh......the situation you described would make me anxious too...i suffer from anxiety and ignorance and feeling ignored sets it off..yep childhood thing....me knowing why i have anxiety is a huge help....i can pinpoint exactly when and why i got it in the first place.....dont need therapy to tell me why i have anxiety about social situations and relationships....what i needed therapy for was strategies how to deal with it....and for every person there are different strategies that only therapy adn trial and error will fidn you what you need to deal with it.... i dotn know wht this guys agenda is but what i do know is if he is goign through a situation or in the middle of one that has nothing to actually do with you he wont probably tell you till he is through it(you still dont know each other well enough to work through it together).... thats what i would do from a male perspective( i have quite a few male friends).....they dont talk about it they work through issues....they trust me so they ask me to help them.....and they help me.....but thats developed relationships that i have nurtured with honesty and trust.....he might not feel totally ready to open up to you yet....he has a commitment which i could guess is at the root of his issue..his daughter to a psycho ex..he woudl worry abotu hsi daughter...the psycho ex is probably puttign stress on him as well....maybe i am only guessing......thats number one... two...........he has just moved house or in the process of moving house....which is stressful and work commitments that take him away from his daughter...from my minds eye that is what i see as potential stressors with him.....and as i mentioned earlier guys work through problems rather than talking them out .....ehsounds interested in you ......with kids you oftne cant give proper etiquette on cancellign dates...soemtimes time isnt a luxury for parents.....adn if you are ready fro the roller coaster ride of dating a parent this is goign to happen quite often....he has shared custody or visitation and kids get sick or psycho exes throw spanners....into future dating relationships just because they can throw really good spanners........ as you can see dating this man isnt going to be easy for you.....with your anxiety it is goign to be really hard i would suggest therapy to manage your anxiety and learn how to relax during communication lulls.....i have extreme anxiety and some of my strategies wouldnt be suitable for you....i am pretty brutal towards myself...with strategies ......and i am loathe to give them out....they work for me....but i am hardcore.... go for a walk when you feel anxious fresh air can be a start...start researching groups......and really think about what it is you expect out of a relationship with this man knowing he has commitiments that make it hard for you always be honest with how you feel ...but also try to feel whats going on...listen carefully always....you can hear a lot more in the every day conversations than you think....and try not to make it about you ...with anxiety it is easy to do this.....and just breathe....start researching groups in your area you might like to join and dont center your life or reason for not doing something on a man......thats your responsibility.its your life not anothers life to live......if you want to go out or make other plans do so....let him know that though.....AND TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF TO FEEL GOOD....i wish you well....deb.............
Author Higapox Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 Thank you both for your responses. CautiouslyOptimistic, I think you're right. That's something we should have made time for and if this resolves itself, it's definitely something I'll insist upon. The anxiety can make me afraid to act in case my efforts fail and it makes it all worse, but that's no way to be and i am getting help. Gaeta, for some reason that hadn't occurred to me. Maybe you're right, in which case there's not much I can do if he's not contacting me. Or much I'd want to do if that is the case. I think it's the not knowing that does my head in because he really did treat me so well with such respect and welcomed me into his life and we were getting on so well. It's the powerless feeling that overwhelms. I'd really like to just know one way or the other so I can set about dealing with my direction. It seems a rare thing to find someone upfront and honest these days! Or maybe I've had a run of bad luck... 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Thank you both for your responses. CautiouslyOptimistic, I think you're right. That's something we should have made time for and if this resolves itself, it's definitely something I'll insist upon. The anxiety can make me afraid to act in case my efforts fail and it makes it all worse, but that's no way to be and i am getting help. Gaeta, for some reason that hadn't occurred to me. Maybe you're right, in which case there's not much I can do if he's not contacting me. Or much I'd want to do if that is the case. I think it's the not knowing that does my head in because he really did treat me so well with such respect and welcomed me into his life and we were getting on so well. It's the powerless feeling that overwhelms. I'd really like to just know one way or the other so I can set about dealing with my direction. It seems a rare thing to find someone upfront and honest these days! Or maybe I've had a run of bad luck... I hear ya girlfriend. I tend to catastrophize and I have anxiety to begin with, so this situation would have me in a tizzy as well. However this gets resolved, moving forward--whether with this guy or not--make talking on the phone the norm if you don't see each other often, ok?
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Gaeta, for some reason that hadn't occurred to me. Maybe you're right, in which case there's not much I can do if he's not contacting me. Or much I'd want to do if that is the case. I think it's the not knowing that does my head in because he really did treat me so well with such respect and welcomed me into his life and we were getting on so well. It's the powerless feeling that overwhelms. Actually the part where he introduced his young daughter so quicky it typical of men on rebound. They're always nice, attentive and always come across as wonderful man....then POOF gone. Wait it out. If a man I date didn't contact me for 5 days I'd consider it over. Is he active on social media like facebook? 1
amaysngrace Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 His daughter told the mom about you and she came sniffing back around. That happens a lot in dysfunctional relationships. 5
kendahke Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 He's seeing some woman and it could be the ex. Even when he was busy, he found time to talk to you. Whoever he's with, he doesn't want them overhearing his conversation with you and that usually means another woman. It isn't that hard to get up from your mate's sofa and go outside to make a quick call. No, it's more than likely someone who is checking for him. His daughter told the mom about you and she came sniffing back around. That happens a lot in dysfunctional relationships. Yep. He's doing damage control. 1
Author Higapox Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 I'd definitely make talking on the phone more of a thing if this situation were to arise again! Definitely! I haven't noticed him active on social media, but I'm not on Facebook and things like that so I wouldn't really know to be honest! I agree with you guys it's likely another woman and probably an ex although that wouldn't be his daughters mother, his daughter is nine and her mother is remarried with a baby on the way! I think it would be the 'nutty' ex that nearly killed him. I knew it wasn't right that he'd gotten back with her after she did that. She must have a hold over him. And he has said before when he's tried to date other people she's cropped back up and caused a fracas! Well I guess this is starting to make sense! And here's me blaming myself this whole time!
Author Higapox Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 Todreaminblue thank you very much for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. It's 6:20am where I am and I haven't slept a wink! Anxiety is a swine you are quite right. I have been in therapy before and I've re entered myself this week as I clearly still struggle with things and I can't lay that at anyone else's door, I need to strengthen myself. But like you, I know mine also stems from bad childhood experiences. I do think he is definitely dealing with something difficult at the moment. And when he has messaged, he hasn't been cold or rude or anything, he's just not really engaging with me. I do think he could have taken the opportunity to blow me off right now if he'd wanted to. So it's quite confusing. I've already given thought to his commitments and I'm a very mature person with commitments of my own, so I was honestly never put off or bothered by his situation. He had to cancel an early date due to his daughter being ill and that wasn't a problem at all of course. I do get the impression that he doesn't want to 'offload' on me with whatever this situation is. And that's fine. Although I would just appreciate slightly more reassurance from him that he hasn't lost interest. But like the others have said on here, if his ex is poking around which she very well may be, she is probably messing with his head and he won't want to discuss that with me. I just hope he's not stringing me out while he's deciding what to do about her because I wouldn't appreciate that. I definitely need to learn to be honest with and accept how I feel rather than feeling shameful or unworthy of expressing feelings. And I do need to take things less personally. He did tell me a few days ago to never be scared to say how I feel to him. So I guess I need to take that onboard. I'm the meantime I do just need to focus on myself but I do hope this situation resolves one way or another sooner rather than later because the uncertainty of it all is very distressing and I don't want to put that on him. Especially if he has enough to deal with. Thank you again, I'm very tired and have a ten hour shift in 90 minutes. The joys! 1
Redhead14 Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 (edited) He has a crazy ex who stabbed him and nearly killed him, but he loved her so forgave her -- If he is backing off, you should let him. As crazy as she may have been for stabbing him, I don't think he's playing with a full deck either nor do I think he is being the father he should be by making sure that his daughter is safe by removing himself and her from that environment. Why wouldn't he tell me what's going on if it wasn't something I did? -- Given his alleged experience with his ex and he stayed with her, it doesn't sound like there's a line to cross for him and so I doubt that it's anything you did!!!! I mean, if it's something you did, whatever it was, how friggin bad could it have been if he didn't leave her for stabbing him? I suspect that either she is still controlling him with some kind of manipulation/threats about him seeing anyone even though they aren't together anymore or they really aren't split up and they are still together. Unfortunately texting and face to face has been our only form of communications. We do not call each other -- Someone who is being controlled or someone who isn't single, would prefer not to receive phone calls. On top of all this, and there is no justifiable reason, of course, for a woman to stab anyone, let alone the father of her children, I have to wonder what drove her to those lengths. There are two sides to every story. What kind of toxic environment were the two of them entertaining??? You've only been dating this guy for a couple of months. Don't reach out to him at all. There's something odd about this situation. Let him go if he's going to and you should be running away from him not trying to decide whether to call him. Edited June 21, 2017 by Redhead14 2
Author Higapox Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 Thank you Redhead14. But it seems I've been put out of my misery now. I've just received this text from him- Hey you. So I finally got the move sorted so that's one less thing to stress about. Ok me an you. First of all I think your great. Everything I could want tbh and yeah trust is always an issue for me but I feel that wouldn't be a problem with you. So the thing that's in my mind ATM is something that happened when I was in Romania. I met a girl I used to see when I was working out there. Nothing happened at all but there is history there and I can't seem to forget about it. Crazy and stupid because she's there and I'm here. I'm going out to Romania again on Saturday for a few days but I don't really know to what end. I don't know what this means or where that leaves me. All I know is I've treat you like crap the past few weeks which was never my intension. Think I but off more than I can chew with everything going on. So that's where I'm at and part of the reason I been distant I guess. I need to figure out what I want but I just want to be straight and upfront with you. Please don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. Your perfect and gorgeous. Xxx I'm quite shocked. I don't even know how to respond to this. Feel quite gutted.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Thank you Redhead14. But it seems I've been put out of my misery now. I've just received this text from him- Hey you. So I finally got the move sorted so that's one less thing to stress about. Ok me an you. First of all I think your great. Everything I could want tbh and yeah trust is always an issue for me but I feel that wouldn't be a problem with you. So the thing that's in my mind ATM is something that happened when I was in Romania. I met a girl I used to see when I was working out there. Nothing happened at all but there is history there and I can't seem to forget about it. Crazy and stupid because she's there and I'm here. I'm going out to Romania again on Saturday for a few days but I don't really know to what end. I don't know what this means or where that leaves me. All I know is I've treat you like crap the past few weeks which was never my intension. Think I but off more than I can chew with everything going on. So that's where I'm at and part of the reason I been distant I guess. I need to figure out what I want but I just want to be straight and upfront with you. Please don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. Your perfect and gorgeous. Xxx I'm quite shocked. I don't even know how to respond to this. Feel quite gutted. Ugh . So sorry! You never even knew you had competition in Romania! I think I'd just respond with something like, "Wasn't expecting that, but at least now I know. Good luck with everything. Bye." 3
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 awww I am so sorry hon. When people make a complete turn around it's most likely another person. I am sorry for your disappointment. Delete and block him. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself today to something you enjoy. 3
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 I am not sure I'd reply to him at all. He's been wasting your time for the past 3 weeks. For 3 weeks he was working on seducing another woman and telling you he's just busy with things and it has nothing to do with you. If that woman in Romania had not reciprocate he would probably have gone back to you as a consolation price. As I see it he was dating the both of you for the past 3 weeks, maybe more. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Thank you Redhead14. But it seems I've been put out of my misery now. I've just received this text from him- Hey you. So I finally got the move sorted so that's one less thing to stress about. Ok me an you. First of all I think your great. Everything I could want tbh and yeah trust is always an issue for me but I feel that wouldn't be a problem with you. So the thing that's in my mind ATM is something that happened when I was in Romania. I met a girl I used to see when I was working out there. Nothing happened at all but there is history there and I can't seem to forget about it. Crazy and stupid because she's there and I'm here. I'm going out to Romania again on Saturday for a few days but I don't really know to what end. I don't know what this means or where that leaves me. All I know is I've treat you like crap the past few weeks which was never my intension. Think I but off more than I can chew with everything going on. So that's where I'm at and part of the reason I been distant I guess. I need to figure out what I want but I just want to be straight and upfront with you. Please don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. Your perfect and gorgeous. Xxx I'm quite shocked. I don't even know how to respond to this. Feel quite gutted. Don't respond in any way. Keep moving. I promise you, you're dodging a bullet. 2
amaysngrace Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 He sees how nice and trusting and perfect you are but rather than value those characteristics he's going to risk screwing that up for a piece of ass he once had? Guy's got some serious issues. 2
Author Higapox Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 Hi guys, thanks for the replies. At this point I think I'm just in shock. Wasn't expecting this at all. Also feel like he's still trying to keep me sweet in that text in case it doesn't work out but let me tell you I'm not pnes sefond choice! I either won't reply at all or I'll text back later wishing him well. I don't know yet. 4
amaysngrace Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Good. What's that saying "never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option" or something similar? I think that's very true. Next time you should try not to blame yourself so readily. You should use this as a learning experience and as an example in case things go wrong in a future rocky relationship and remember it wasn't you with the problem at all...it was him. Just a little faulty thinking really...challenge it next time 1
Redhead14 Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Hi guys, thanks for the replies. At this point I think I'm just in shock. Wasn't expecting this at all. Also feel like he's still trying to keep me sweet in that text in case it doesn't work out but let me tell you I'm not pnes sefond choice! I either won't reply at all or I'll text back later wishing him well. I don't know yet. If you feel the absolute need to respond you say something like "Thank you for your honesty and you're right, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and I wish you well". 1
Author Higapox Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 Thanks and I agree with you all. If I did respond it would be just how you've said Redhead14. But I genuinely don't feel I have even two words for him really. It makes no sense at all and I think like some have you have said, he's clearly got issues. I'm not perfect myself but I'm not dishonest and I never lead people on. I'm glad he's told me so I can just deal with it and move on really! As rubbish as it is! 1
stillafool Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 I'd definitely make talking on the phone more of a thing if this situation were to arise again! Definitely! I haven't noticed him active on social media, but I'm not on Facebook and things like that so I wouldn't really know to be honest! I agree with you guys it's likely another woman and probably an ex although that wouldn't be his daughters mother, his daughter is nine and her mother is remarried with a baby on the way! I think it would be the 'nutty' ex that nearly killed him. I knew it wasn't right that he'd gotten back with her after she did that. She must have a hold over him. And he has said before when he's tried to date other people she's cropped back up and caused a fracas! Well I guess this is starting to make sense! And here's me blaming myself this whole time! He is more than likely back with the crazy ex. Men can't get enough of these women. They go crazy in and out of the bed.
kendahke Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 On top of all this, and there is no justifiable reason, of course, for a woman to stab anyone, let alone the father of her children, I have to wonder what drove her to those lengths. There are two sides to every story. What kind of toxic environment were the two of them entertaining??? This right here. I was wondering the same thing, too. No behavior happens in a vacuum.
amaysngrace Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 No pussy is worth crazy but he's too dumb to know that or that is just the power of the p*$*y
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