KBob Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 So got in an argument with a girl I'm dating yesterday. Basically it started when I gave her a funny urban dictionary article jokingly comparing it to myself and she replied "Too bad you don't classify under that one...it said MEN with SOLID muscles." Ouch. She explained that she hoped I knew she was joking after I called her out on it for not being a very nice thing to say, and I explained that I felt it was went way too far and that my view on this is there are two things you shouldn't ever insinuate to a man, even in a joking manner: him not being a man and the size of his dick being inadequate. The reply was: "noted." So I then told her I hoped she cared if I was thoroughly offended by something she said, because that one word answer didn't give me that impression. She explained of course she did and that it made her feel bad to think that I thought she wouldn't and that she was sorry she upset me. I explained that one word answers wouldn't be an acceptable response if she was the one who was upset, and she agreed that was the case and explained that she was not very good at communicating but would try harder to be better at it in the future. So it seemed like everything worked out. What I'm having trouble with is now it seems like a seed of doubt has been planted in my mind about how this woman views me as a man. My view is that the most important opinion on that subject is a man's significant other and his children. So it would be a big problem for me if the view is negative. I'm thinking of bringing this up and seeing if this joke was really an extension of something she actually feels about me. I've seen some similar threads like this before but I would like to hear people's thoughts.
central Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 The more you dwell on it and try to discuss it, the less confident and manly you'll appear. It was a poor response on her part. She apologized. Let it go - or drive her away. 9
RecentChange Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Yeah dare I say that dwelling on this, and wanting to talk it out..... Isn't very "manly" and would further reinforce any "unmanly" image she has of you. 4
todreaminblue Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 people make mistakes say things they dont mean.......seriously let it go....she was joking and i think you realize that because your title of this opening post is bad joke.....personally...i am a sensitive woman and its easy to hurt my feelings.....i have been ridiculed so yes its easy for me to feel under the spotlight and insecure abotu hwo others view me.... ...in saying that....if a guy apologizes i forgive and let it go..i might nto forget....but whatever they say doesnt change hwo i see them ..fi i car e....for them ...i still care for them....ly love for peopel doesnt change when they hurt me......even when it wasnt meant as a joke.....and i have often had that....where it has simply been bad form on their part..and when this has happened ....they actually DO see me that way.....still though..people make mistakes ...not realizing how sensitive you are or i am.....and it is often not intentional that they set out completely to undermine you or the way you look or the way you are.....it was unintentional...so let it go..it was a joke..a. poor one ....but meant to be light teasing..which is actually flirting...she is a bad flirt....so let it go ...and know next time...if she gives you a bad joke e...dont take it personal... i have to learn this too...and its easier to do when people apologise and let you know hey i was joking.....she let you know...deb 1
Author KBob Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 Yeah dare I say that dwelling on this, and wanting to talk it out..... Isn't very "manly" and would further reinforce any "unmanly" image she has of you. Damn it. That's the paradox of these things: even though it has nothing to do about how I feel about myself, trying to deal with a situation where it's a question whether or not I'm being respected makes me look like a b*tch. Relationships are weird. 1
preraph Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 You sound like you have a very fragile ego and also you coming at her about this thing, when the whole thing was a joke, you sound like a mean dictator. Is she supposed to pretend you have a perfect body? The wonderful thing about most women is they are able to love you as you are -- as long as you don't take yourself too seriously.
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 How long have you been dating? If it's been a while let it go. If you are intimate and have a good relationship then she already showed you you're her man. If she is a new girl, drop her. You don't have a solid base enough to know it's a joke and you'll always be wondering.
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Is she supposed to pretend you have a perfect body? You are suppose to elevate the man you are with, not bring him down with juvenile jokes. 2
act00 Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Words hurt and cut deep and last longer, and I empathize with your plight right now, but I think you're making a bigger deal out of a piss-poor joke than necessary. It's really hard to let this go, I definitely know, but you do have to do it. If your relationship is otherwise fantastic, and things are great in the bedroom, it was just a joke. Not a personal reflection on you. One thing I've learned in life is to avoid topics that can bring up issues you just don't want to know or can put you in a position of feeling inadequate. I have had many wounded feelings because someone reacted, joked, talked, and responded in a way that was perfectly appropriate to a topic I brought up or a joke I told, but it felt personal. If this woman was just a friend or coworker or family member and joked about something YOU PRESENTED to them about a man's anatomy, would you feel the same? Would you be this wounded? Remember, YOU posted the joke/article in the first place. Don't do that again. Lick your wounds, call it a life lesson, and don't let this be a continued issue. You kind of messed up here. 1
Author KBob Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 One thing I've learned in life is to avoid topics that can bring up issues you just don't want to know or can put you in a position of feeling inadequate. I have had many wounded feelings because someone reacted, joked, talked, and responded in a way that was perfectly appropriate to a topic I brought up or a joke I told, but it felt personal. If this woman was just a friend or coworker or family member and joked about something YOU PRESENTED to them about a man's anatomy, would you feel the same? Would you be this wounded? I make fun of myself quite often, and have no problem with it. It all lies in joke etiquette, when someone makes fun of themselves you might go along with it and make a playful quip, you don't hurl an atom bomb at them. 2
Popsicle Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 What an odd joke. Why would she "joke" about that? Sounds like she was being mean on purpose to me and then trying to backtrack once you said something. She doesn't sound very nice or emotionally intelligent to me. I don't know about her... 1
Author KBob Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 What an odd joke. Why would she "joke" about that? Sounds like she was being mean on purpose to me and then trying to backtrack once you said something. She doesn't sound very nice or emotionally intelligent to me. I don't know about her... That's the weird thing, she hasn't ever given me any sign that she's that mean kind of person, and I'm pretty good at picking up on that sort of thing. You could be on to something with the emotional intelligence though, she can be quite awkward in ways. 1
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 How long have you been dating? It's possible she the kind of person that can only give negative compliments. My friend is dating a man that constantly tease her about her weight, her stomach, he make up, it's all negative and he insists it's joking. I would not date him. It's beyond me why my friend tolerates this. 1
Maggie4 Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Probably watched too many TV sitcoms where people insult each other for lack of wit. It could easily have been "Too bad the article said HUMANS with BRAINS". She grasped at whatever material there was in the article, to make a one liner joke, and it bombed. Let it go.
Popsicle Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 That's the weird thing, she hasn't ever given me any sign that she's that mean kind of person, and I'm pretty good at picking up on that sort of thing. You could be on to something with the emotional intelligence though, she can be quite awkward in ways. Yeah, it was probably just awkwardness due to lack of emotional intelligence. Fun times! 1
Author KBob Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 How long have you been dating? It's possible she the kind of person that can only give negative compliments. My friend is dating a man that constantly tease her about her weight, her stomach, he make up, it's all negative and he insists it's joking. I would not date him. It's beyond me why my friend tolerates this. Two months. She doesn't dish out much for compliments but she's never made any negative ones that I recall. I'll be attentive to that though. 1
preraph Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 You are suppose to elevate the man you are with, not bring him down with juvenile jokes. He's who started that, though. And really, that's your rule, not everyone's. Not everyone feels the need to be "elevated" because they are happy with themselves already.
act00 Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 I make fun of myself quite often, and have no problem with it. It all lies in joke etiquette, when someone makes fun of themselves you might go along with it and make a playful quip, you don't hurl an atom bomb at them. And how is this other person supposed to know what you consider to be an atom bomb? You hurled the atom bomb first and then got all butt-hurt by the response. If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. I agree, she joked in a way that was hurtful to you, and it's a hard thing to "get over." She apologized. You have drawn it out because you don't feel her apology is good enough. How long are you going to punish her? I'd be out the door in 2 seconds with the level of drama you created if this was just a few dates. On that same level, if a mate thought crass and hurtful jokes was funny, equally out the door. 1
Author KBob Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 And how is this other person supposed to know what you consider to be an atom bomb? You hurled the atom bomb first and then got all butt-hurt by the response. If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. I agree, she joked in a way that was hurtful to you, and it's a hard thing to "get over." She apologized. You have drawn it out because you don't feel her apology is good enough. How long are you going to punish her? I'd be out the door in 2 seconds with the level of drama you created if this was just a few dates. On that same level, if a mate thought crass and hurtful jokes was funny, equally out the door. And how am I to be responsible for someone's response? I'm sorry but I'm not guilty by association to her jokes. I could equally turn that around and say if you want to joke around in a friendly manner, don't be a d*ck. How do you know what I said could be an atom bomb when you don't even know what I said? Assumptions are being made here. And I haven't made any mention of this beyond what was said yesterday, so I haven't punished her at all. I was thinking of bringing it up, but I'm here listening to advice before I went ahead and did that.
gaius Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 All she said was that you're not on the heavy muscular side. Are you? If not then what are you really expecting out of a partner? To pretend you're something you're not? Love thyself. Or hit the weights. One or the other. 1
Author KBob Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 All she said was that you're not on the heavy muscular side. Are you? If not then what are you really expecting out of a partner? To pretend you're something you're not? Love thyself. Or hit the weights. One or the other. No it wasn't the muscular thing that bothered me, I just typed that in for the sake of putting the whole response. It was the man comment. I'm not in good shape at the moment, and I'm fine with that, it's out of my control. Shoulder injuries and surgery keep a brother down
healing light Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 If I didn't know any better from your user name and pronouns, I would think you were a girlfriend upset with her boyfriend's joke. Only because you seem to really be digging in on this after there was an apology, even with the kind of response you received after the apology, and reading way too into it. To the point of wanting to bring it up once again. This is stereotypically feminine. So I agree with the others to just drop it. This would be different if she regularly said off putting things and put you down in most of her jokes, but I actually think she was attempting to flirt with you. The degree to which this upset you, referring it to as an "atom bomb" tells me that you actually do have a complex around how you're perceived as a man. If someone walked up to you and you were wearing blue socks, and they told you they hated red socks, you would not be offended because you wouldn't see this as pertaining to you. It wouldn't feel personal because it doesn't jive with any belief you have about yourself or anything you're wearing. But if you were wearing red socks and they said the same, your reaction would likely be very different. I think that's what this woman's joke actually set off in you--she triggered an underlying insecurity you may have. Honestly, just relax and observe if she jokes in a negative way about you repeatedly in the future--then you may not be compatible with her. There's a difference between a style of humor and someone actively disrespecting you through their words and beliefs about you that come out in "jokes." 1
starrynight4321 Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Wow buddy. This is going to be harsh - you have been warned. But you might need to read it. Did she make a bad, mean joke? Yes. Should she not make jokes like that in the future? Yes. Would any reasonable person be offended? Yes. Are you overreacting to an extreme nonetheless? Yes. You're taking one mean comment and turning it into a philosophical commentary on your status and manhood. You sound like you have an extremely fragile ego and that you probably have significant doubts in your own status as a "man." You say that you felt she went too far, and that there are "two things you shouldn't ever insinuate to a man, even in a joking manner: him not being a man and the size of his dick being inadequate." Strong men who are confident in themselves don't have lists of things that are off limits because it might offend their sense of manhood. She didn't "plant a seed of doubt," in you regarding her views of you as a man - you already had those doubts in yourself, and significantly so. It sounds like she made a super rude joke, then seemed to apologize/try to explain she didn't mean it, and then you elaborated more on your views regarding "being a man," to which she responded "noted." Then you started calling her out on the length of her response, etc. You're being needy, seeking her approval, and pinging your sense of worth and manhood on external things. You wouldn't do this if your confidence in yourself were more stable. 4
BDJ_1 Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Man up dude and learn to take a joke. It's not a big deal
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 I agree with the double standard here. Any woman coming on here with the story of a 2 month bf joking of her woman-ness would be warned of the red flag. 1
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