Author Popsicle Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 hmmmmm you just never know. i'm 50/50. I got a vibe that he just wants casual and if you proceed he's going to say "i told you that from the beginning". On the other hand, lots of guys say that so they don't overpromise or obligate themselves. I think they also like to convince themselves that it's 100% funfest! As if being in a relationship isn't fun--which is kinda insulting haha. You could proceed with extreme caution though I think that he already started in with the kissing stuff and complimenting you physically too much then you wouldn't really have a neutral enough handful of dates where you could see what his potential really is. Idk, sleep on it? I might be changing my tune to 40/60 (good/bad). Yeah, it's crazy. I agree with a lot of what you said. I generally go by whether it feels right to me. It's a feeling, it's very personal. And it doesn't feel right so I'm passing. 2
Author Popsicle Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 When I was dating, I was hoping to find a serious relationship. But EVERY such relationship starts with casual dating to see where it leads. Most dates lead nowhere - but the process itself was enjoyable. If it doesn't have potential, just move on quickly. If anything, I'd worry about the guys who say they're looking for serious right up front. I think many of those are desperate to find someone - locking things down too fast without going through the full process and spectrum of dating and learning about each other to be sure of what they're doing and who they're choosing. Ok but no matter which way you spin it, I'm not going to date a guy who says he's not looking for something serious. Or say he's looking for something casual. I'll take the guys who say they are looking for something serious over them.
thefooloftheyear Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 There are a lot of ugly men here. LOL. A LOT. This is not so much the case in the bigger cities, like where I came from. LOL... I dunno, kid... I see where he's at....And there are some guys I know that use it that way... They can't just say they are looking for easy lays, as that wont go over..So they word it the way he did...So he has an out if he wants to slum it...He can say he warned them... But what he said is certainly possible....Maybe worth a go...?*shrug*.. A buddy of mine is with a pretty good looking woman he met using Tinder and just looking for fun...They have been together for a while...I guess who knows?? Maybe its like this... Lets say you are unemployed and borrow money from a friend..So you tell them " hey, just realize I probably can't pay you back"...So now they give you the cash, knowing you warned them of your situation...But then you get an unexpected inheritance, then you pay it back....Its better than saying you can, when its only possible you can, if the conditions are right.. I hope that makes sense.... TFY 1
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 The ironic thing is that I did to him exactly what he did to me, and he didn't like it. He has it in is profile that he is not looking for anything serious, which means, "if you're looking for something serious, you're not going to get it from me". But he told me that I might be missing a great guy by me not dating guys who say they aren't looking for something serious. Isn't that the same thing in reverse? I could ask him why he limits himself too. We both limited ourselves, didn't we? He makes it seem like I'm the only one. I am sure you are doing what we're all doing online. The guy sent you a message and you checked his profile before replying. When you saw on his profile that he was not looking for something serious WHY did you reply? You replying to him after seeing his profile tells me you are not THAT ready to meet a serious man and you DO have time to waste with the occasional hot guy. I know.....been there, done that. Also, sure the players eventually all meet a wonderful woman they want to remain monogamous with. Here's my take on it. It's all mathematic. When 2 serious people meet for the very first time, the chance of them making it to a 3rd date and beyond is what? 10% or 20%. Now imagine if you open your agenda to meet men that are not serious just in case they might, at some point, by some miracle, decide to make it serious with you --- can you imagine the waste of time? Do you want to book yourself dates with men that maybe have 2% chance of changing their mind ? 2
Author Popsicle Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 LOL... I dunno, kid... I see where he's at....And there are some guys I know that use it that way... They can't just say they are looking for easy lays, as that wont go over..So they word it the way he did...So he has an out if he wants to slum it...He can say he warned them... But what he said is certainly possible....Maybe worth a go...?*shrug*.. A buddy of mine is with a pretty good looking woman he met using Tinder and just looking for fun...They have been together for a while...I guess who knows?? Maybe its like this... Lets say you are unemployed and borrow money from a friend..So you tell them " hey, just realize I probably can't pay you back"...So now they give you the cash, knowing you warned them of your situation...But then you get an unexpected inheritance, then you pay it back....Its better than saying you can, when its only possible you can, if the conditions are right.. I hope that makes sense.... TFY I'm looking out for my best interest. He is looking out for his. I get it. There are plenty of fish in the sea....
Bastile Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 I thought it was assumed that everyone is reserving the right to decide? That's what dating is. Trying to see if you're compatible enough to keep going long term. Feeling each other out. To me, to STATE that you're not looking for anything serious, is basically saying that you KNOW that you won't be deciding that any time. I take them seriously when they say that. I also take them seriously when they say that they want children (yes MEN say this). You should see how they back peddle after I say that I'm not interested in them because they want children and I do not. Stick to your guns, man. I see where you're coming from. But for me, it's basically defining the relationship from the off. Which isn't something I'm willing to do. Especially with someone that I don't know properly. And though exclusivity isn't official, it's sort of implied. I doubt you'd want the guy shagging a couple of women while you have your "serious" courtship It's a sort of boxing in, in my view. And the usual way to get out of that situation is to divert or be ambiguous.
Author Popsicle Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 I am sure you are doing what we're all doing online. The guy sent you a message and you checked his profile before replying. When you saw on his profile that he was not looking for something serious WHY did you reply? I don't know. I was flattered and he was so cute. I couldn't help myself. You replying to him after seeing his profile tells me you are not THAT ready to meet a serious man and you DO have time to waste with the occasional hot guy. I know.....been there, done that. I'm not meeting him though? Also, sure the players eventually all meet a wonderful woman they want to remain monogamous with. Here's my take on it. It's all mathematic. When 2 serious people meet for the very first time, the chance of them making it to a 3rd date and beyond is what? 10% or 20%. Now imagine if you open your agenda to meet men that are not serious just in case they might, at some point, by some miracle, decide to make it serious with you --- can you imagine the waste of time? Do you want to book yourself dates with men that maybe have 2% chance of changing their mind ? YES!!!! This is exactly how I feel. Totally agree. 2
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 I don't know. I was flattered and he was so cute. I couldn't help myself. Remind yourself next time that it's counter productive to reply to men with different goals than you. Also, men online give compliments left and right because they know eventually they will get a reply. What he told you, he told 10s of other women to get their attention. I'm not meeting him though? Good girl 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 I think OLD sites need a new category...something like "let's just see where it goes!" 2
rushed Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 I don't know. I was flattered and he was so cute. I couldn't help myself. Haha! I totally get this. Sometimes it's just fun to talk to someone gorgeous who flatters you as well even if you know it's not going anywhere. And your conversation with him sounds exactly like a convo I'd have, too. The stunners are few and far between. Nothing wrong with giving and receiving ego boosts along your journey. 1
Bastile Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 The technicalities of it are confusing to me. I do actually wonder what the general expectations are. Hypothetical: guy has a FWB that he sees every few weeks or so. He has agreed to the “I want to be serious” business. Does he stop seeing the FWB whilst seriously courting the other woman? This despite not being exclusive, but agreeing that you are looking for something serious. If he sees any other women, does that mean he isn't serious? Or does that only change if he's having sex with them, instead of being serious with them too. It's a minefield
Author Popsicle Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 Do you see what we women have to deal with? Lol 1
Bastile Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Do you see what we women have to deal with? Lol I confused myself with that one lol Think I'm going to stick with "I'm dating until I find the right person". 3
selinaluv Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Sadly I have had many of these conversations. Many of them with the same opening. Is it always about lips and eyes??? I think I am nice responding, but it quickly goes no where. Sometimes I am looking for something more fun and other times I want to be more serious about it. It often comes down to the person. Sometimes I am just feeling them out because they claim "you never know until you meet someone" and yet their profile says casual. I am learning to just avoid this conversation altogether and stick with someone who seems more sincere from the start. 2
Scarlett.O'hara Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 But for me, it's basically defining the relationship from the off. Which isn't something I'm willing to do. Especially with someone that I don't know properly I don't see it as defining a relationship (where one doesn't even exists yet), as much as it is defining your relationship goals in general. I agree with Popsicle about not dating a guy who states that he is not looking for anything serious. Whether the guy she was speaking with was open to the possibility of it becoming more in the future or not, his primary motive was still just finding women to have "fun" with (which he basically confirmed in the short period they spoke). Also, I don't see anything desperate about a man who clearly states that he is looking for a serious relationship on his profile. If anything, he would come across as assertive and sure of what he wants. However, that doesn't mean he wants just any woman. He may be extremely picky and it may take a lot of dates to find exactly what he is looking for, but at least he is clear about what he wants. Popsicle is going about it the right way. Even if you are tempted by a pretty face, it makes more sense to focus on dating people with similar relationship goals. 4
coolheadal Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 (edited) The goal is to be happy and in love and in a serious relationship. Looks are key to you also I see. Same for me too. I am physically fit and I worked on being so I not go after a woman who turns to food as a friend. Who doesn't want to get off the couch and either. I want to have fun and be playful. Who wants things to be boring..No me dance, sing, swim, travel, biking riding, sailing play tennis and volleyball or beach volleyball and so much more to do. I not into women with kids already or stilled married. I want them free from all that. Sometimes I have to go lower in age to get what I want. A lot different women tell me. They never met a guy like me before. I find they're not free to do what they please or live a carefree lifestyle like me. No worries. I work, workout, shower, sleep and repeat. There isn't much leeway for anything else but I do know how to treat a woman I am interested in very well. Edited June 21, 2017 by coolheadal 1
starrynight4321 Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Your response to him is way too sexually charged for someone you haven't even met. It essentially say "I just want to hook up." In the future I would recommend avoiding that route with someone if you want something serious. Also, I agree with other posters that you shouldn't waste your time with someone who says they don't want anything serious. I'd say about 99% of the time, that means "I just want to have no strings attached sex." If you "miss out on great guys," then so be it. It's not worth the time, effort, and heartache of dating someone who isn't looking for the same thing from the get-go. Between a pool of guys who are "not looking for anything serious but open to it with the right person," and the pool of guys that are "looking for something serious," I'm going with the latter every single time. 2
CptInsano Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 If you "miss out on great guys," then so be it. It's not worth the time, effort, and heartache of dating someone who isn't looking for the same thing from the get-go. Between a pool of guys who are "not looking for anything serious but open to it with the right person," and the pool of guys that are "looking for something serious," I'm going with the latter every single time. OLD may be a different world, but IRL I had much better luck starting a relationship with women who were not looking for one. I think it had to do with less pressure in the beginning, a more playful start that made it easier for me to fall for her. 1
Bastile Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 (edited) I don't see it as defining a relationship (where one doesn't even exists yet)' date=' as much as it is defining your relationship goals in general.[/quote'] But it does define a relationship. It gives the impression that there will be no sex, yet exclusivity is implied. I would like something serious, but I don't want to be celibate whilst looking for the right person to build that kind of relationship with. When you define relationship goals, certain expectations come with that. However' date=' that doesn't mean he wants just any woman. He may be extremely picky and it may take a lot of dates to find exactly what he is looking for, but at least he is clear about what he wants.[/quote'] Dating under that paradigm for a man must be a real grind. That's why I can't see a guy doing it unless desperate for a relationship. My dad always used to tell me that “there is a big difference between a want and a need”. In this case, the difference between wanting a serious relationship and needing one. I understand women wanting to protect themselves and look out for their own security. As I said, playing it safe is fair enough. Got rejected a few times over this myself leaving it on good terms. But I do think that there is an expectation of a man compromising himself completely for a woman to have that early security, which most guys with options aren't going to accept. And what woman wants a man that has no options or the ability to cultivate them? All women want a desirable guy. Hence it's a catch 22. Edited June 21, 2017 by Bastile 1
Bastile Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 I'd also briefly point out that I've had women badger me about this sort of thing, whilst they still had options hidden and were up to mischief that I eventually figured out. And I was very happy that I didn't jump into being serious early. You can't get to know people properly after just a few dates. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 I'd also briefly point out that I've had women badger me about this sort of thing, whilst they still had options hidden and were up to mischief that I eventually figured out. And I was very happy that I didn't jump into being serious early. You can't get to know people properly after just a few dates. I agree, it takes time to really get to know someone. You have to be even more careful with all the dramas of online dating. Your own story exemplifies why transparency is so valuable for those looking for a relationship online. It is obviously a rarer choice for people who would rather play it safe and keep their options open. What that suggests to me is that those who state clearly what they are searching for are not willing to waste anyone's time, including their own. They want to find love, not just a series of short flings or one night stands. Sure, the process of finding a great match might take some time. There is certainly no promise to any one individual upon meeting, but it might at least cut out some of the time wasters from the equation (like the ones that hide their preference or are suspiciously vague). The label might make some people, like yourself, feel uncomfortable, which is fair enough. But at the same time, there is no doubt that it does help some people find potential partners who are looking for similar things. For those people, it is probably best that they get in and out of online dating as quickly as possible before it makes them jaded and cynical about love, sex and dating. 1
Robert Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 Folks, we've deleted over 40 posts in this thread. Instead of responding to disruptive members, you can save yourselves a lot of time and frustration by reporting the member with the 'Alert Us' button. Thanks. ~6
act00 Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 He's not after serious and long-term or he'd say it. The process of dating is to get to know each other and see how things work, and keep going forward if it's working. No one (or few people) says they're seeking serious and expect to be married in two months. They know it's a process that takes time. If they state up front, "casual," it means casual. Sure, they could change their mind and want you for the long haul, but you have no way of knowing that. The odds are stacked that they won't. I dated a "casual." He was very busy. I wanted more. I think that was part of the demise, was just I wanted to spend more time with him, and that can be exhausting, and he just didn't have the time to invest. He ghosted me, so I really don't KNOW what happened, but I suspect this played a part. He could have met someone else. He could have been happy to just have women on the back burner who would be available when he was in the mood for company, and patiently waiting when he wasn't. I exchanged a few messages with a guy who never got around to asking me out or anything, who was in the "not serious category." I told him I'm looking for serious, so no. Over time, we exchanged some emails where affection, kissing came up. He wanted to meet up and make out. I told him repeatedly, if he asks me out on a proper date, dinner, drinks, we'll see what happens if we hit it off. He wanted to do date after; if we hit it off physically. To me, that's backwards. Anyway, yes, you could be passing up a good guy, but you're also passing up the opportunity to be hurt when he doesn't want what you want. If he is genuinely seeking long-term, he'll say it. He should want to attract women who want the same. If religion is important to you, you say so. If you don't eat meat or don't smoke or don't drink, you state this, so you get someone compatible with like-thinking. Jogging and hiking? Love to square dance on Saturday? Want kids/don't want? You say so. It's all the same 1
Chilli Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 Pop , l really need to see the offending lips that caused this dilemma to comment properly. Sorry, couldn't resist. But nope if ya wanna have a romp go for it but if your looking for a relationship , not gonna get one outa him l'm afraid. Good luck. 1
elaine567 Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 (edited) It seems to be a trap that many fall into. He/she says "I don't want a relationship". " I am not looking for anything long term", yet that is ignored or not taken seriously by the other person. I think it has a lot to do with ego. "I like this guy/this girl, he/she is what I am looking for and I am so awesome that he/she will fall in love with me and forget all about the "I am not looking for a relationship" nonsense..." Popsicle, you did the right thing by staying clear. Edited June 22, 2017 by elaine567 1
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