preraph Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 If you're seeing family on a weekly basis, that's a lot of family, but you're lucky to love them that much. He is controlling and this was never going to work. You need a guy who is more like you about family (by the way I've only ever known ONE person in my whole life of 64 years that involved with their family) and who doesn't value their alone time and time alone with you all that much. He is jealous of family. He thinks his woman needs to just be at his beck and call and that's bad no matter what, so you're well rid of him. But you cannot expect another person to want to see your family WITH you more often than maybe once a month -- but as long as it's not interfering with you working full -time and contributing responsibility in your own household, you should be able to go see them as often as you like -- but they should not be able to just come over and intrude in your home when he's there because no one likes that. So next man, get one who likes his own family but he doesn't have to see yours more than once a month, but who doesn't mind you going to visit them whenever.
Author Sprince92 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 If you're seeing family on a weekly basis, that's a lot of family, but you're lucky to love them that much. He is controlling and this was never going to work. You need a guy who is more like you about family (by the way I've only ever known ONE person in my whole life of 64 years that involved with their family) and who doesn't value their alone time and time alone with you all that much. He is jealous of family. He thinks his woman needs to just be at his beck and call and that's bad no matter what, so you're well rid of him. But you cannot expect another person to want to see your family WITH you more often than maybe once a month -- but as long as it's not interfering with you working full -time and contributing responsibility in your own household, you should be able to go see them as often as you like -- but they should not be able to just come over and intrude in your home when he's there because no one likes that. So next man, get one who likes his own family but he doesn't have to see yours more than once a month, but who doesn't mind you going to visit them whenever. Yeah, I know that I love my family a bit more than others.. but He wont even let me go shopping with my mom or if he did it was always whenw ill you be back, or dinner with my family, when will you be back..be back by 10 or 11 or whatever. I am fine with him seeing them whenever he wants and for events and thts it...but why am I not allowed to see them andd why is everything restrictions and curfews... and its not like i didnt make time for him.. but it seemed like he was never willing to compromise. If i had to do something with family then he would get upset and saay i dont see him that much. btw i live at home with my parents so we did weekly dinners. which i stopped doing and we started doing it less like once a month instead... but just simple things like going shopping with my mom or lunch with my brothers or spendig sunday with my parents (going to the beach int he summer) he wouldnt like and would limit it all and say just stay home. and that its a waste of time
Author Sprince92 Posted June 22, 2017 Author Posted June 22, 2017 So as i mentioned in previous posts, i was in a controlling relationship. My ex would tell me what i can or cannot wear, not to talk to certain people, delete some social media, not to cut my hair..that sort of thing. SO, now that we are broken up, I feel like i should do all the things he wouldnt let me do before, but I cant get myself to do it. I feel guilty almost. I dont know how to explain it. It hasnt been very long and its only day 4 of NC. Is it normal to feel this way? SHould I just go ahead and do those things or will i feel worse if i do them?
Spartakooty Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 Wow, glad you're out of that garbage of a relationship. Sounds soo toxic. But we sometimes want to do things for the person we love. I think your guilt surrounding it tho is fairly normal. I'm over 2 months out of a breakup that I didn't want and somedays I feel guilty about feeling better about it. Like I should miss pining for her. I'm sure the guilt will pass. Get back to yourself and do the things you want. I'd wouldn't be surprised if you start feeling like yourself sooner than you'd expect. Control is not love.
Zahara Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 (edited) You feel guilty because you have been conditioned to behave a certain way and doing the opposite seems odd. Since you're still emotionally attached to the nut, you're going to feel some level of loyalty to him. You don't have to push yourself into doing things that make you feel bad but you should start off small and slowly. Self-reflect and work through those emotions and thoughts when it troubles you -- when you want to do something and the negative thought hits you, step back, spend a few minutes thinking about it, and counter that negativity with rational truth. Self-talk. You need to counter the negative when it hits you -- not sit there and feed it or bargain with it. Your rational truth -- you know there is nothing wrong with cutting your hair. You know there is nothing wrong with painting your nails or seeing your family, or going out to eat, with what you are wearing -- it seems wrong because you were controlled by someone that was toxic and abusive. The latter is irrational. Edited June 22, 2017 by Zahara 1
1fish2fish Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 I totally get it. I'm going through something similar and it's been over 2 months since I stopped dating The Addict. I feel twinges of guilt for doing the things that make me, ME - dressing the way I want, working out how much I want, talking to whomever I want... I recognize it as false and irrational guilt, but it's still there and I have to make a conscious decision to tell myself "It's ok. You're fine. You can do as you please." So silly, I know. What's interesting is that I didn't realize how much say I let the ex have over these things until I got out of the r'ship. That's a little disconcerting and just one more thing I need to work on. It will fade it time the further you're away from your toxic relationship.
Altair0770 Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 I feel guilty for hurting my ex after she hurt me. It happens. Been nearly 5 months for me. But I've met someone new I'm interested in, who thinks I should apologize but... I don't want to open that can of worms.
Author Sprince92 Posted June 26, 2017 Author Posted June 26, 2017 Its been a week since I spoke to him.. I want to text him and say SO many things to him. not really anything to get us back together but more of some thngs to get off my chest about how he treated me... I have been writing my thoughts out in my notes as if I am texting him...should i send it to get it out of my head? I cant focus!!!!
ExpatInItaly Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 First, ask yourself if you'd be okay with a dry or cold reply, or no reply at all. Then decide if you're really ready to let him know how you feel. 1
Author Sprince92 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 I didnt text him...but its still hard to avoid doing it. I still cant focus and keep adding things to the message i have written out for him.. I wish things were just easier and better.
allybaba789 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 No contact should start after you have had the opportunity to say what you want to say. I can't tell if you tried to do that, and are now overthinking, or if you didn't take/make the most of that opportunity. What do you want to say to him/ask?
BC1980 Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 I know you have a lot to say, but it's unlikely he will be open to listening in the way you want him to. He's more likely to defend himself or disagree with you, so it probably won't turn out like you hope. Can you tell someone else how you feel? Family member or friend? It does help to get it off your chest, but it's better to say it to someone who will be understanding and sympathetic. An ex is not that person.
Author Sprince92 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 No contact should start after you have had the opportunity to say what you want to say. I can't tell if you tried to do that, and are now overthinking, or if you didn't take/make the most of that opportunity. What do you want to say to him/ask? I dont think i said the right things, i feel like I didnt address the real underlying problems and just addressed his problems with me and defended myself. I want to tell him hoe badly he treated me and that that was the cause of our breakup since he keeps blaming it on my family. I want to give him specific examples.
Author Sprince92 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Posted June 28, 2017 I know you have a lot to say, but it's unlikely he will be open to listening in the way you want him to. He's more likely to defend himself or disagree with you, so it probably won't turn out like you hope. Can you tell someone else how you feel? Family member or friend? It does help to get it off your chest, but it's better to say it to someone who will be understanding and sympathetic. An ex is not that person. I have been telling a few people about it, but for some reason i just feel like he needs to know. I want him to see how much he hurt me. Cause the last time i spoke to him he offered getting married to fix our problems and then got mad and stopped speakign to me because I had a family get together to go to... I dont want him to think thats the reason we broke up.
Zahara Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 (edited) I have been telling a few people about it, but for some reason i just feel like he needs to know. I want him to see how much he hurt me. Cause the last time i spoke to him he offered getting married to fix our problems and then got mad and stopped speakign to me because I had a family get together to go to... I dont want him to think thats the reason we broke up. Only you need to know why you broke up with him. At it's because he was a controlling and abusive partner. It doesn't matter what it means to him or what he thinks. He treated you badly. He deserves no right to any sort of decency. You need to stop making this about him and start making it about you and how you made the right decision for yourself and that you are never revisiting him again. Do you think he cares about the whys and your feelings? He does not because if he did, you would not have been where you were. This isn't about you wanting to tell him what you need to tell him but your junkie mind finding excuses to make contact because you need an emotional fix. Edited June 28, 2017 by Zahara
Zahara Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 To add, I think you want to tell him/break contact because you hope he'll see or acknowledge the error of his ways and in that process maybe things will change between the two of you in that the relationship will be salvageable. You broke up with him because he treated you poorly. The focus now is embracing that painful decision but also accepting that it was the right thing to do and to completely focus forward. He should not be anywhere in your journey towards healing. What he thinks, what he feels, what he wonders, etc. is of no relevance to you anymore. You don't prioritize his feelings when he never respected yours. 2
Blanco Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 You aren't going to change his mind with whatever you have to say. Even if you're right, the confrontational nature of this encounter would almost definitely cause him to dig his heels in deeper. It's no longer your problem if he lacks awareness of what affected the relationship.
1fish2fish Posted June 28, 2017 Posted June 28, 2017 To add, I think you want to tell him/break contact because you hope he'll see or acknowledge the error of his ways and in that process maybe things will change between the two of you in that the relationship will be salvageable. You broke up with him because he treated you poorly. The focus now is embracing that painful decision but also accepting that it was the right thing to do and to completely focus forward. He should not be anywhere in your journey towards healing. What he thinks, what he feels, what he wonders, etc. is of no relevance to you anymore. You don't prioritize his feelings when he never respected yours. I needed to read this today. Thank you, Zahara. 1
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