Sprince92 Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 In the begninning of my 2 year long relationship this guy was great. He took me to Miami for a day, he held my bag when we shopped, he was kind, then he began showing his controlling side. He wouldnt let me wear certain things. he made me send him pictures of my surroundings. he made me turn my location, he would set curfews when i was out with ym family and i wasnt even allowed out with my friends. he would fight with me if i had a family event or if i wanted to go to dinner with my parents and brothers. he started threatening me and talking down to me when i wouldnt listen. he would block me and not answer my calls no matter how many times i called. he always said he would treat me better if i just listened and stayed home. 2 years later enough was enough. I let alot of this stuff go....and trust me theres sooo many things im leaving out here...(like making remove my nail polish after getting it done 20 mins prior because i didnt discuss the color with him) and so much more than that. but i gave up about 2 weeks ago... we didnt speak for a week after a fight. I was at my cousins house with my parents and he got mad at me because it was midnight and i wasnt leaving yet.... so we fought and he called me some names and told me he cheated on me (he did this all the time) I dont think he actully ever cheated but saying it hurt enough. he didnt call me or text me for a week....i was hurt but usually after every fight ( which was like more than 9 times a month) i would always come back and apologixze and basically chase him. Then he tected me exactly a week later and said he wanted to end on better terms and he was sorry but it seems like i have time for my family but not for him. to cut to the chase. were broken up nw for 2 weeks and he blamed me and tried to fix it all by saying lets just get married and it will fix everything but when i said i need him to be involved with my family he showed no sign of wnting that. in the past he has tld me many times that he doesnt want anything to do with them or that we will barely see them. i declined getting married because there are so many issues here. and yet i still miss him and keep thinking of the memores. the last time i spoke to him i told him i was going to my cousins house for a fathers day get together he stoopped responding and then at 4 am he texted me to basically sho me he ws out.to hurt me.... i need to get over him and i know it wasnt a healthy relationhsip. he always said arelationship is not 50/50 and there is no compromise. but i miss him and the good times.....how long till i stop crying over everything that reminds me of him!
Redhead14 Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Amputees often report that they can "still feel" the appendage that's been removed and often even try to use it as if it were still there . . . the mind is slow to let go. You will stop crying when you realize that you can function without him and start focusing on keeping busy and being happy with what you do have . . . friends, family, a job, a place to live, food to eat and focus on making a rich, full life for yourself for the future. 1
desertsession Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 like making remove my nail polish after getting it done 20 mins prior because i didnt discuss the color with him Holy s**t. I know I'm not providing an answer to your question here, but what an a-hole. 1
NopeNah Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Sounds like you have a case of stockholm syndrome. Stay FAR away from this guy and block all contact. 2
Author Sprince92 Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 **additionally** he would compare me to his exes and tell me how they were better cause they listened and for whatever other reason. i dont want to be with him but i miss having him in my life. despite all the bad, there was still some amazing times we had toegther thisngs were great when we were together..its when we were apart that he would treat me that way and saythose things thank you all for your feedback. it helps to just talk about it.
Zahara Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 **additionally** he would compare me to his exes and tell me how they were better cause they listened and for whatever other reason. i dont want to be with him but i miss having him in my life. despite all the bad, there was still some amazing times we had toegther thisngs were great when we were together..its when we were apart that he would treat me that way and saythose things thank you all for your feedback. it helps to just talk about it. You're missing the nice guy you initially met. The one that treated you well. That's what you are romanticizing. It's normal but you need to keep reminding yourself of who he truly was. That "nice guy" was just a facade. The guy that -- wouldnt let me wear certain things. he made me send him pictures of my surroundings. he made me turn my location, he would set curfews when i was out with ym family and i wasnt even allowed out with my friends. he would fight with me if i had a family event or if i wanted to go to dinner with my parents and brothers. he started threatening me and talking down to me when i wouldnt listen. he would block me and not answer my calls no matter how many times i called. he always said he would treat me better if i just listened and stayed home is the true nature of your boyfriend. The sooner you grasp who he truly was, the sooner you detach from him. 3
Author Sprince92 Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 yes you all are right. i just can't stop wanting to talk to him. he is always on my mind and i miss him being in my life. I want to text him but that wouldnt help much. It would either be a fight or a cycle of this again with more abuse cause now he knows hes in control....this is so hard
Zahara Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 yes you all are right. i just can't stop wanting to talk to him. he is always on my mind and i miss him being in my life. I want to text him but that wouldnt help much. It would either be a fight or a cycle of this again with more abuse cause now he knows hes in control....this is so hard It's going to be hard for awhile. It's akin to getting over a drug addiction. You're going through withdrawals. As awful as he was, you still have an emotional attachment and you miss the familiarity of him. When you start creating new routines and new habits you'll slowly detach from him and start rebuilding. 1
Author Sprince92 Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 should i text him to try to tell him my side and let him know how i feel that he hurt me and why we actually broke up? right now he thinks its cause i cant leave my family alone...but i want him to see that the problems were the abuse and that he wouldnt ever do anything i wanted and everything had to be his way. is it smart to text him?
Zahara Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 should i text him to try to tell him my side and let him know how i feel that he hurt me and why we actually broke up? right now he thinks its cause i cant leave my family alone...but i want him to see that the problems were the abuse and that he wouldnt ever do anything i wanted and everything had to be his way. is it smart to text him? He doesn't care that you are hurt. He doesn't care about your reasons. He will never see things any other way because people that are controlling only see things THEIR way. You will NEVER change that. Stop trying to find excuses to make contact. This your junkie mind trying to find ways to find comfort in contact And... usually after every fight ( which was like more than 9 times a month) i would always come back and apologixze and basically chase him. ...you want to keep doing this again? 2
Author Sprince92 Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 He doesn't care that you are hurt. He doesn't care about your reasons. He will never see things any other way because people that are controlling only see things THEIR way. You will NEVER change that. Stop trying to find excuses to make contact. This your junkie mind trying to find ways to find comfort in contact And... ...you want to keep doing this again? agreed. i needed to hear that.
Zahara Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 And you do realize that textbook abusers will try to alienate you from your family and friends. They will force you to sever all ties and give up your support system so you become totally dependent on them. And when you become dependent on them, they then have you in full control. That's the plan. Hence his suggestion to get married and all will be okay. This guy has been trying to achieve that, so explaining the family reasoning means absolutely nothing to him. He doesn't understand the concept because it doesn't tie into his objective and how he is wired. 1
Author Sprince92 Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 And you do realize that textbook abusers will try to alienate you from your family and friends. They will force you to sever all ties and give up your support system so you become totally dependent on them. And when you become dependent on them, they then have you in full control. That's the plan. Hence his suggestion to get married and all will be okay. This guy has been trying to achieve that, so explaining the family reasoning means absolutely nothing to him. He doesn't understand the concept because it doesn't tie into his objective and how he is wired. yes he wanted to isolate me....thats probably why he never understood anything i ever tried to eplain about this..he would always take it the wrong way
preraph Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 You need to put on your big girl panties and deal with this like an adult, which is block him from your life and from being able to contact you or see your social media and stop looking at his too. Yes, most people have a combination of good and bad, but he's mostly bad. You may be addicted to attention, whether negative or positive. But what you need to do is get him out of your life and sit and think about the red flags and realize you should bail as soon as you start seeing someone critical or controlling or who isolates you, because they only get worse. You need to take some time (or therapy) to process this and see why all this was okay with you for so long. Was there something in your childhood that set you up to accept this? Meanwhile, getting away from him is all within your control and you need to put your back into it and make up your mind to get him out of your life. This only remains a problem if you let it. 1
Author Sprince92 Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 You need to put on your big girl panties and deal with this like an adult, which is block him from your life and from being able to contact you or see your social media and stop looking at his too. Yes, most people have a combination of good and bad, but he's mostly bad. You may be addicted to attention, whether negative or positive. But what you need to do is get him out of your life and sit and think about the red flags and realize you should bail as soon as you start seeing someone critical or controlling or who isolates you, because they only get worse. You need to take some time (or therapy) to process this and see why all this was okay with you for so long. Was there something in your childhood that set you up to accept this? Meanwhile, getting away from him is all within your control and you need to put your back into it and make up your mind to get him out of your life. This only remains a problem if you let it. Yea I do need to just block him out. I keep thinking about the good times but I need to focus on the times he made me miserable. Nothing happened in my childhood which is why my family and friends didn't understand why I allowed this to happen and for so long. My family doesn't know details but they noticed major changes in my behavior and they knew it had to be him. I was extremely independent and would never let anyone tell me what to do. Wrote him. I guess I got blinded by the idea of a future whiny this guy. He seemed secure and like he knew what he wanted and I liked that but then he started being all about him and how he wants things and mentioned that it would be his way and once even said it's him then me. I should've left but he is also 2 years younger than me and in the beginning I thought it was just him being immature and that he would grow up. I was wrong it only got worse
Author Sprince92 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 I posted yesterday about breaking up with my controlling boyfriend. I have been thinking alot about it and I keep wondering if he was right about me being too involved with my family. MY family is super involved with my cousins. ( we see eachothr about once a month) He would get mad when i was going to a family get together and then started getting mad if i went to dinner with my parents and brothers. I have always enjoyed spending time with my parents and brothers and even my cousins. Is he right to want to stop me? He kept saying that after marriage we would barely see them. he said hed visit my parents maybe 2 times a month and he wouldnt feel comfrotable with me going without him. He also said that he wants to be less with family and more focused on his life and future. In my eyes you always need family around regardless of what your future is. Its important to me I have never seen other people in my family have these issues...is it normal for him to behave this way? Was I wrong?
Ronnys93 Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 I wouldn't blame those situations on being "too family oriented" I'd blame it on priorities. He is controlling though and the fact that he didn't want you to see them without him is obviously a red flag. Good thing he's out of your life now. In the future, do make sure that you do prioritize your family and your S/O in a balanced way. But in NO way do I think it would have made any difference in this situation. Your ex was controlling and manipulative and likely wanted to distance you away from your family to make you dependent upon him. 1
GorillaTheater Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 You're right, and he is, in fact, a controlling dick. I'm glad you broke up with him. My wife sees her family fairly often, and that's perfectly fine. As long as I'm not always expected to be there as well.
Zahara Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 You noted yesterday that he was trying to isolate you from your family and identified it as one of the signs of controlling behavior. You need to stop doubting yourself. Forget the family part. You couldn't even paint your nails the color you wanted without him approving. So stop trying to self-blame. There were a 100 things wrong with this relationship. 2
Author Sprince92 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 You're right, and he is, in fact, a controlling dick. I'm glad you broke up with him. My wife sees her family fairly often, and that's perfectly fine. As long as I'm not always expected to be there as well. Yeah, my cousins visit their moms after work and stuff probably once a week...he wanted me to work further from where I live now so that I am not tempted to see my family so often..... I would understand if perhaps he didnt get along with them but he just doesnt want me to be around them like i am now. i dont get why he thought that was ok
Zahara Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 i dont get why he thought that was ok But you do know.
Author Sprince92 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 But you do know. because I put up with it and made it seem like it was ok?
Zahara Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 (edited) because I put up with it and made it seem like it was ok? Because you identified that his behavior was to isolate you from your family in order to control you. You identified that those are one of the signs of a controlling/abusive person. You know what this guy is all about but you're still clouded by the "good moments" and can't see him for what he truly is. Edited June 21, 2017 by Zahara 1
Author Sprince92 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 how do i stop thinking about it? I know int he long run I won't be happy in a relationship like that. I know that being with him is like a high for the moment but theres alot of issues and our fights are not healthy. So how do I stop myself from crying over him and remembering the good stuff and how do I get over this. How long does it take to get over a relationship like this? and when will I be able to wake up without feeling like I NEED to speak to him or be able to do normal things without being reminded of him... i just want to skip this part. its the WORST
Zahara Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 (edited) how do i stop thinking about it? I know int he long run I won't be happy in a relationship like that. I know that being with him is like a high for the moment but theres alot of issues and our fights are not healthy. So how do I stop myself from crying over him and remembering the good stuff and how do I get over this. How long does it take to get over a relationship like this? and when will I be able to wake up without feeling like I NEED to speak to him or be able to do normal things without being reminded of him... i just want to skip this part. its the WORST You need to accept that you're going to cry and miss him because regardless of who and what he was, you built an image and a dream in your mind and you can't erase that overnight. Grieving is the natural process of an ending. An ending is akin to death. You are experiencing a loss in your life. You can't and should not skip the grieving process. Grieving helps you purge and cleanse. You will be clouded for awhile and question your choices. You'll bargain between your head and your heart. All very normal. When you sit in doubt, think about all the bad. The "good" stuff was in the beginning of your relationship. Then it all went to hell. So, the "good" wasn't real. It was a facade.It was a ploy to rope you in. Try not to place so much significance in it. It will take as long as it takes. There are no timelines. But during this time, you need to refocus on yourself. Lean on your friends and family. Start journaling and whenever you find yourself romanticizing, reach out for the words that will reinforce the truth of what you had with him. When you start dwelling, you need to step out of those spirals and distract yourself. It's okay to think, cry, wallow about him but do not stay there too long. Allocate an hour or so a day to reflect and feel what you need to feel then try and focus on yourself and the day ahead. Keep yourself busy, stay around those that love you and journal. The latter is very therapeutic. Edited June 21, 2017 by Zahara 2
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