confusedgirlfriend11 Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Hi all, Some of you may remember that I split up with my ex back in March. He was awful with various issues. He had addiction problems with drugs but that has since stopped. He can not handle alcohol. He has stopped drinking so much but we can never enjoy a simple drink together, always ends in an argument. After we split up, he moved out and I went on holiday. We stayed in brief contact whilst I was away and when I was back we decided to see each other a bit more. I said I didn't want to get back in a relationship but I was happy to be exclusive and see if the problems from before improve and see if we could get things back on track. We both love each other and care for each other very much but I feel like that isn't enough. I'm not even sure we like each other that much sometimes. He is still very sensitive and if I don't show him affection and make him feel secure, he then lashes out. He's say something nasty then apologise and expect me to just forget the bad thing. I am bad in the sense of not showing as much affection as I could do. I'm very independent and although we do kiss/cuddle etc I don't always want to do that especially in public. We went away for my birthday weekend and he ruined it a few times with his behaviour. He says he lashes out when he doesn't feel secure but the issues we had this weekend were not caused by my lack of affection. I said I can't see a future together with his current behaviour. I thought he would accept this as he straight away blocked me on Facebook/What's App then within an hour was texting me again asking to me. We did meet up and talk sensibly. No shouting or anything. A few tears from my side but that was it. I explained how I felt and how I couldn't see a future with how he currently acts. He has money issues and believes by August there won't be any more issues as he'll get a really good bonus. It just feels like he is saying this but I don't fully believe it. He says he loves me more than anything and he wish I could fully understand how sensitive he is. In my heart, I honestly can not see a future with him. I love and care for him but how can someone change that much...? I feel guilty even asking him to change. I guess I just needed to hear if anyone else has walked away from someone they love and know they love them back and how was it?
Author confusedgirlfriend11 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 Thought I'd do a quick update so I think this is finally it. We met Monday night and spoke a lot. At the end of it we hugged and I thought that was it. He then called me and was asking for another try. He completely understands what he did wrong etc. I wavered enough for him to keep contacting me. He was being sweet and I was falling for it a bit. I then decided today that it's not right. He wanted to meet tonight and I thought I'm just leading him on so I said I can't meet and it's best we leave things as I can't see a future together. First I got the tears, really sad and hurts a lot but then he got angry and said he'll make me pay... I've blocked him on my phone so he can't call/text. He did email me and said a few things but that's it. I feel relief but I'm also apprehensive now. He has a very bad temper so I'm scared he may do something. He did say before that he would kill himself if we split up. I truly hope he doesn't do anything like that. I couldn't cope with it at all.
SpecialJ Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 No one with issues that drastic will change in 3 months. You're doing the right thing. I also hope he doesn't hurt himself, but if it happens it isn't your fault. You've been honest with him and talked to him about how to work through it before you left. You can't do anything more than show him respect and love in how you treat him. It's up to him to fix his own problems and not take you down with him. And there is probably a good reason you don't trust him right now, so go with your gut. I read your description as, he doesn't have any healthy mechanisms to cope with any stress or problems. So things don't get better once he gets his bonus, because there will always be some life problem or stressor so this will keep coming up. Unless he does the tons of work he needs to do with a professional to find healthy ways to cope with adversity that don't negatively impact you or his own health. Sounds like you don't think he's there yet, and I don't think he's there yet based on him misdiagnosing the problem as money (symptom not the cause) and handling his breakup emotions really badly. I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe it would help to place boundaries out over email that don't sound permanent so he doesn't drastically freak out thinking you'll never speak again (ie I want us to take a break from communicating for two months, so I will block you for that time, for healing space for us both not for spite... no matter how long you decide you actually intend to stay out of touch for). Good luck.
Author confusedgirlfriend11 Posted June 21, 2017 Author Posted June 21, 2017 No one with issues that drastic will change in 3 months. You're doing the right thing. I also hope he doesn't hurt himself, but if it happens it isn't your fault. You've been honest with him and talked to him about how to work through it before you left. You can't do anything more than show him respect and love in how you treat him. It's up to him to fix his own problems and not take you down with him. And there is probably a good reason you don't trust him right now, so go with your gut. I read your description as, he doesn't have any healthy mechanisms to cope with any stress or problems. So things don't get better once he gets his bonus, because there will always be some life problem or stressor so this will keep coming up. Unless he does the tons of work he needs to do with a professional to find healthy ways to cope with adversity that don't negatively impact you or his own health. Sounds like you don't think he's there yet, and I don't think he's there yet based on him misdiagnosing the problem as money (symptom not the cause) and handling his breakup emotions really badly. I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe it would help to place boundaries out over email that don't sound permanent so he doesn't drastically freak out thinking you'll never speak again (ie I want us to take a break from communicating for two months, so I will block you for that time, for healing space for us both not for spite... no matter how long you decide you actually intend to stay out of touch for). Good luck. Thanks so much for your reply. A lot of what you've said I was thinking already. So we've blocked each other and he hasn't emailed me again. I did reply to him but he hasn't replied which is fine. I need to keep the emails open as he owes me money so if he doesn't continue paying it back then I can contact him via email. I really hope he doesn't do anything stupid. I know you say it wouldn't be my fault but my husband completed suicide and it would utterly break me if the same thing happened again.
SpecialJ Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 If that's the case, I hope you have access to some professional help both to help you continue to cope with your husband's passing and also to help you figure out why you may be attracting men who have these types of issues. Not saying that in a critical tone-- you don't deserve to take on the guilt for the decision of others and especially not multiple times. So if two makes a pattern of tolerance for men who are prone to that specific set of problems, it could only help you to speak with someone who can be more knowledgeable than those of us on this board.
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