Yesterday he came back...

[Addison]

Yesterday was exactly one month and a day since he left. And as I was finishing up at work I got a txt from him. This is the first time that we have communicated in about 3 weeks now. So I was dreading to read it but it was just asking how I was. We made small talk (through txt) for a few minutes and then he asked me to meet him last night so that we could talk. I told him that I didn't care to talk to him but if he was just going to hurt my feelings again then I would rather not. His reply was, "I'm not going to hurt your feelings. I miss you and I thought that we could talk. If you don't want to I understand though." So I felt sick. Because I truly do love him and I've missed him like crazy. But I was just getting to the point that I was ok without him. I had stopped crying and feeling miserable. And I was terrified that this meeting would be such a set back if it went badly. But because I do love him, I agreed to meet with him.

 

When I saw him my heart kind of stopped for a second and I felt this sense of comfort and relief just wash over me. I know that sounds silly but that's what he does to me. So we drove around and talked for a while. Things were so natural and so easy. Just as if this last month apart had never happened. So we went back to his house and watched a movie. I was leary of this because I didn't know how exactly I was suppose to act. So I sat in a different chair and he laughed and was like, "You can come over here." So I did. And it was so nice feeling his arms around me again. He kept kissing my forehead and just laying his face next to mine. I didn't realize just how much I had missed him.

 

Then after the movie was over we kissed and held each other. And I simply said, "I've missed you." To which he sighed and acted like it put him out to reply, "I've missed you too." So I laughed it off and was like, "That sounded sincere." But that was enough, just enough, to make me put my guard back up. I thought at that point I was making a huge mistake and that I had read too much into this. So I just kind of distanced myself emotionally for a few minutes and then he asked me to go with him and his family to take his brother to college this wknd. Which I could not do because of my work schedule. But it made me feel better because he was asking me to spend time with him and his family. So feeling as if it was ok for us to hang out again I said, "We can hang out tomorrow night if you aren't busy." And I never got a reply.

 

I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm happy that we've made this much progress. And I'm trying not to push anything. I understand wanting to ease back into this. I've just missed him so much and I guess I'm expecting too much right now. Do you think that he's just being cautious about us getting back together or is there something I'm not seeing? I mean, I did the NC thing. I was strong and I gave him his space. I never gave up believing that we would work things out and now I thought that was happening for us. But I'm just not so sure now.

 

I'm terrified of letting my guard down. What if he changes his mind? What if this all falls apart today and I get shot right back to how horribly I felt on day 1? I just want to make sure this works for us. Yesterday should have been one of the happiest days ever but I'm so afraid and confused that I'm not so sure. Any comments or suggestions?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Addison

I'm terrified of letting my guard down. What if he changes his mind? What if this all falls apart today and I get shot right back to how horribly I felt on day 1? I just want to make sure this works for us. Yesterday should have been one of the happiest days ever but I'm so afraid and confused that I'm not so sure. Any comments or suggestions?

 

You're right to be cautious. And it's natural to feel a bit apprehensive - you'd be silly if you didn't.

 

Let him make the moves. Try to be guarded but to enjoy the moment. And make sure you identify what caused the first break-up and avoid it the second time around

[katty774]

and I totally understand the feelings you are having. Heck we are basically going thru the same thing. However I am and I hope you will to, be very careful about how close we let them in right now. I am almost afraid that my bf is doing what a lot of couples do after a breakup, you know, seeing if he can still get to me, or have me back. I have heard a lot of people especially on this forum talk about how their ex came back full speed and then just as fast left again. It is almost like the last stage of breaking up or something. That is what I am most afraid of so I am not putting to much faith in our getting back together just yet and I am going to continue on to the path of taking care of me and doing what makes me happy. I suggest you do the same thing. We were beginning to heal when they decided to come back so why can't we just continue on with our healing process. Am I making any sense at all? I am going to try really hard not to count on my ex being back in my life and just treat each day as though he is not and that way if we do get back together it will be wonderful, however if this is just his last stage of grief and is history than I will still be ok. Just remember to focus on Addison right now. They broke up with us and we are two wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, hot, sexy, vibrant females and they will have to work really really hard to get back into our good graces, that is if we even let them. That is how I am trying to keep my mind thinking, especially when it starts to run away with all the questions and the longing for him.

I have faith in us both. We will make it with or without them. Have a great weekend.

[Addison]

Thanks for the advise Katty. We hung out again last night. We had a really great time and I found myself wanting to fall back into feeling completely comfortable and content with him. And even though last night went so much better than the night before, I'm still afraid. I'm terrified that he's going to leave again. Like you said I'm trying to continue on with my life the way I was after he left. It's hard to do though when I want to just be so happy that I have him back. I guess we will see what happens in the long run but right now I'm just glad that we are spending time together and atleast trying to work on things. If he leaves again, this time I KNOW that I will be ok even if it does mean that I'm going to hurt for a little longer. Let's just hope I won't have to go down that road again.

[Deborah]

Dear Addison,

 

I truely wish you all the best and am crossing my fingers for you. I still advise you to be very careful with your heart though.

 

Maybe I overread it, but did he actually say that he wanted to be your boyfriend again? That he loved you? Is happy you are back together?

 

If not, then there is a chance he does not consider you two to be reconciled but just to be helping each other over the pain of the breakup.

 

I have read too many stories on this site to believe that just because a guy says he missed you, loves you, kisses you or sleeps with you he wants to get back together.

 

I wish you all the best, but please guard your heart. Or maybe, if you are brave enough, just ask him what he wants. I learned from my breakup that you should never be afraid of asking or doing something you really want to do. Dont walk on eggshells around him, he is not more valuable than you. He should want you as much as you want him.

[Addison]

I know that you are right Deborah. Reading what you wrote makes me feel sick though. I just want to pretend so much that this means everything is ok between us. And no he hasn't said that we are back together but he has never been one to really talk about things like that so I guess I've just been assuming things. I'm trying really hard to distance myself for a while but all I want to do is be with him. It's amazing to me how two days together can completely send me back to feeling like this. I find it nearly impossible to play it cool and not txt/call him. I went for almost 3 weeks with NC and now I can barely go 24 hrs. I just wish he would come back (he's out of town right now) so that I could figure out more. I'm NOT going to call or txt him though. If he wants me back then he will contact me. I hate dealing with this stuff!!! Love should be easy!

[Deborah]

Originally posted by Addison

If he wants me back then he will contact me.

You are absolutely right. If he wants you he will know where to find you.

 

As hard as it is, dont consider yourself to be back together with him until he says something in that direction. Dont sleep with him either until he does. You will not be able to really enjoy it but wonder if this means you are back together. If you find out later that you are not, you will feel really horrible for sleeping with him.

 

Honestly, my best wishes and thougths go out to you. Please keep us posted.

 

I am very sorry that my words make you feel sick.

[Addison]

So I thought that he would contact me tonight. Last night he sent me a txt saying "Goodnight. Hope you have fun tonight." And today, nothing. I'm so upset. I really really just wanted this to work. How can you love someone this much and be ok without them? I know I said that I would be ok, and I know deep inside of me I know that I will be... but it hurts so bad. I haven't cried in two weeks now and tonight thats all that I seem to do. This is all so stupid. It's my fault. I should have just not met with him or let him do this to me again. This is starting all over again...

 

As I'm typing this he sent me a txt that said, "I'm getting ready to go to bed. Had a wild night last night and I'm exhausted." That's great. Just what I wanted to hear. *sigh* Someone needs to take my phone away from me...

[upsetnhurt]

Addison,

 

Unfortunately he is getting comfortable with you as a friend (with potentially benefits). He will enjoy the "no expectations" friendship that you are providing him as long as he possibly can. He has no intentions on getting back with you at the moment and as much as you are thinking about it, the irony is that it is the farthest thing from his mind. Establish NC for your health and mindset and for noone else's. He had his chance with someone as wonderful as you and you need to say to yourself that you did all you could "DAIC!"..........move on and find someone who will cherish you...they are out there.

[Addison]

I've done a lot of thinking about my situation today. I have so many different ideas about how I should handle it that I honestly just don't know what to do anymore. Close friends who were once telling me NC and forget him, are now telling me that I should call him. Because honestly, even if he doesn't want to get back together, I NEED for us to talk about this so that I can have some closure about it. Then on the other hand I'm so afraid of him rejecting me again that I can't stand the thought of having to call and ask him the things that I need to. I am so freaking confused right now. I'm alone and distraught and I wish that I wasn't going through this again. I just really really love him and I really want to make this work. I don't know what I'm suppose to do anymore...

[upsetnhurt]

addison,

 

Do you think you have done all you can in terms of making this relationship work "DAIC"?

[Addison]

upsetnhurt,

 

No, we have not even come close to doing everything to make this work. The reason we broke up is completely my fault to begin with. We never fought, we never did anything that would have indicated an ending like this. I truly believe that we can make this work but I have to get him to see that. I know that everyone on here says these things. I know that everyone wants to believe that their ex still loves them and will want them back. But he does still love me and I know that without hearing him say it. Crazy or not, I just can't give up on this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering "what if..." And I might look back at this in a few days or a few weeks or months and think, "What the heck was I thinking?" But I sincerely don't think that I will. If I lose him forever its my fault. He has never done anything wrong to me. He has been as close to perfect as any boyfriend could ever be. I just messed up by not showing him that I appreciated him. It might be too late, but maybe not... and if I'm crying on here for another month or two because I'm wrong, then so be it I guess. At this point I think that I would rather be upset for a while than to be spend forever wondering what we would have been like. Maybe I'm just losing it... I guess we'll see.

[Addison]

So I did it. I broke down and called him tonight. And he was heading downtown to see some friends when I called so I assumed he would quickly get off the phone. But instead he continued to talk to me for an hour and a half. And yeah, I chickened out and didn't ask him about us, but I mean, he could have gotten off the phone is he didn't want to talk to me. And he did invite me to come up to his new apartment 3 hrs away next weekend. I know I'm really reaching here but I think that every improvement is a huge step from where we were a month ago...

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Careful... your setting yourself up for more hurt.. He is just horny

 

 

Little steps not big ones

[Bethiepooh]

Please, please be careful with this. I, personally, would not go 3 hours to see him. Make him make the effort. I know you say you love him, but he needs to prove himself to you. It seems that he wants you as a friend of convenience (with benefits), which is not appropriate regardless of the situation. I know it's hard to not communicate with him, but I HIGHLY recommend it. Can't stress that enough. I know us girls freak out if we don't hear from him for a very short period of time, we are insecure (at least I am). But, we have to have faith that if it's meant to be, it'll be. Don't call him. It will hurt bad at first, but the pain will falter. There are other fish in the sea, my dear.

[upsetnhurt]

Addison,

 

I know you take full blame for things not working out......yet to what extent will you go to convince him of his love for you? Would you get on your knees and beg him to come back, sleep with him to come back...etc.........you have said your peace to him, acknowledged your mistake and confirmed your love and desired commitment to him. It is entirely his choice to rekindle the relationship at this point and he should be the one who takes initiative. You are only headed for a severe depression if you continue as you reading into every movement that you two take.

[Addison]

I know that you are all right. I know that if I was reading someone else writing this stuff I would see red flags going up all over the place. But I'm not reading it, I'm living it. Just put yourself in my shoes right now though. You all know that you would want to be doing the same thing. He called me today and asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him tomorrow night. And I'm going. Because it might seem rediculous but if I don't try and give this everything that I can, who is to say that I'm not going to look back on this and regret just letting him go? I think I would rather hurt a little longer if this doesn't work out, then to look back one day and feel like I didn't do everything that I could. What's wrong with me being tired of stepping back and letting him call all the shots? He came to me and expressed that he missed me. And he might be full of ****, I don't know. He might be a jerk and he might be leading me on just like every other guy has in the past. But what if he's not? And what if I blow this just because NC seems like the easier road to take? I appreciate that everyone wants to be helpful but right now I'm feeling a little stubborn. I might be the biggest idiot in the world but I guess I'm an idiot in love. So we'll see... I've been wrong before... I just hope I'm not this time.

[upsetnhurt]

Addison,

 

I see your points and can understand you want to do everything in your power to make this work. We all want it to work too and for you to be happy again. Please know we are here for you either way the ball bounces.

[Addison]

I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful for everyone's input sometimes. I'm really not or I wouldn't continue to post on here. I just have a lot of frustrations right now and when everyone is telling me things I don't want to hear, I get a little agitated!*L* I'm really making progress with this and he has even started to show some intiative too. Tonight I didn't call/txt him and for the first time since this has all started, he sent me a txt (which isn't a call but it's a start) to comment on my favorite show and to say goodnight. Small things... but in the big picture everything is starting to look up. I just want to be optimistic for a while... I want to hope for the best just for a while.