How long until you started dating again and what did you do?

[What_Did_I_Do]

Tuna, xMM said those exact words to me: didn't want to be told what to do; didn't want to be on anyone's clock; didn't want to "report" to anyone.

 

I was also under the threat of being dumped if I dared to date all while he shared his life and bed with his W. The double standard is unbelievable.

[TheBathWater]

Tuna, xMM said those exact words to me: didn't want to be told what to do; didn't want to be on anyone's clock; didn't want to "report" to anyone.

 

I was also under the threat of being dumped if I dared to date all while he shared his life and bed with his W. The double standard is unbelievable.

 

I think in these instances the infidel is behaving according to their emotions, and many don't realize just how selfish they are being. They are only thinking of themselves and not their partner. Then again, that sounds a lot like one of the things that infidelity is all about. Why should we expect to be treated differently than their primary partner?

[Syre17]

Tuna, xMM said those exact words to me: didn't want to be told what to do; didn't want to be on anyone's clock; didn't want to "report" to anyone.

 

I was also under the threat of being dumped if I dared to date all while he shared his life and bed with his W. The double standard is unbelievable.

 

Funny how we all have the experience of being party to the double standard...and the epitome of being selfish.

 

My therapist commented to me one time, "how arrogant of her to stay where she is and expect you to not date and live your life now that you've been single." That really resonated with me...

[Syre17]

Pretty much. I was always true to my word. If I said I was going to see and sleep with other women, I did, and I would disclose that to her. For the majority of the affair, I did not sleep with other women. There were only two. The first was when we were part of a polyamorous relationship (so I guess that it wasn't really an affair yet), and the second was when we were in a full blown affair and she wasn't taking any actions toward being a girlfriend but kept expecting me to be a boyfriend. That's when I gave her the notice.

 

I'm sure she would argue that she made A LOT of effort by lying to her fiancé and finding time to be with me. But one thing that I think about here is how she wouldn't make efforts if it benefited me but inconvenienced her, whereas she expected me to make efforts that benefited her even if they put a TON of inconvenience on me. She wanted to live her life the way she wanted to and "not be told what to do," but if I ever wanted to live my life for me and she didn't like something, it was suddenly okay to threaten the potential future of our relationship.

 

She was very selfish, and she knew it. She would even say things like "I know it's hypocritical but so be it; that's the way I feel." Hey, at least she was honest about that. But I always resented how her needs were priority and I had to be understanding, and if I had a problem with it and wanted to advocate for my needs and feelings, then "I guess this just isn't going to work out."

 

I know I'm probably making her sound awful, but I'm really just angry and that's what's coming through right now. She really is not trying to be malicious and is actually really sweet and loving, but this was how things played out. There was A LOT more good about her than bad, but this was definitely the stuff that upset me the most with her and I always felt silenced in my attempts to talk about it.

 

Totally agree about the convenient factor. The vast majority of the time, I worked around her needs and whims. I can't tell you how many times I was left with canceled plans at the last minute. Holidays spent alone, my birthdays...heck, this past March, she told me literally up until the day before I left for Mexico that she was absolutely going with me...you can guess how that turned out. Me making a solo trip to celebrate my birthday. It creates a TON of resentment!

[What_Did_I_Do]

Totally agree about the convenient factor. The vast majority of the time, I worked around her needs and whims. I can't tell you how many times I was left with canceled plans at the last minute. Holidays spent alone, my birthdays...heck, this past March, she told me literally up until the day before I left for Mexico that she was absolutely going with me...you can guess how that turned out. Me making a solo trip to celebrate my birthday. It creates a TON of resentment!

 

Same here! xMM was going to Florida with me in April. All expenses paid. Bailed at the last minute because he 'couldn't get away'. Well he was getting away all over the place on many other occasions. Everything was on his terms.

[TheBathWater]

But I digress. Back to the point of my original post...

 

There is a woman who I've known for some time now who is aware of my situation and is expressing serious interest in having a relationship with me. If my heart was completely unattached, I would absolutely go for her. But I'm worried about getting involved at the moment because I don't want to give half of myself to someone, and I also worry that if I did go for it anyway, that the engaged woman may come back within the next few weeks when this one month trial ends and want to be with me. So part of me feels like I should at the very least hold out until then and see how I feel at that point, just so I don't screw anyone's feelings up (including my own).

 

Thoughts?

[Syre17]

But I digress. Back to the point of my original post...

 

There is a woman who I've known for some time now who is aware of my situation and is expressing serious interest in having a relationship with me. If my heart was completely unattached, I would absolutely go for her. But I'm worried about getting involved at the moment because I don't want to give half of myself to someone, and I also worry that if I did go for it anyway, that the engaged woman may come back within the next few weeks when this one month trial ends and want to be with me. So part of me feels like I should at the very least hold out until then and see how I feel at that point, just so I don't screw anyone's feelings up (including my own).

 

Thoughts?

 

Hard to say brother...I just know that in my experience, hard and fast timelines seem to evaporate. One month turns into two, then into six, then another year has passed. We tend to make excuses and concessions and live with (or allow) those because we desperately want things to work.

 

From my perspective, having waited as long as I did, and feeling very strung along, I'd say you owe her nothing. If it were me, I'd go out with the other single gal. You certainly don't have to put pressure on yourself or the situation, meaning it might be good for you to get out and just enjoy an available woman's company. I know it worked wonders for me!

 

We all tend to make excuses for the AP...and then we're left high and dry. I wouldn't sit around waiting...because I have and did and got nothing in return.

 

I told myself this, and I'll offer it to you, if a person doesn't clearly know what they want or want to do, then it's probably not going anywhere...unfortunately. I want someone who clearly knows that they want and need, not someone who's ambivalent, or conflicted.

 

Just my $0.02 worth on a Friday afternoon brother... That said, I'm heading out to meet my new, single, available (and very sweet and hot I might add!) gal for drinks and dinner!

 

Cheers,

 

Syre

[elaine567]

I respectfully disagree with you on this...

 

He put her on notice, if I understand correctly, that he was going to see other people, which in my book, is fair game if ones AP can't get it together and make a clear cut decision and choice. I did the same with mine; put her on notice while I waited monogamous for her for 1.5 years. Sure, she didn't like it, and HATED the thought of me with other women, but tough $#iT if you're dawdling along, not taking action and going home to your spouse (fiancé or whomever) every night.

 

I see/read a ton of effort on his, Tunas, part but little on hers.

 

Yes it may be "fair", and great if it is all one big NSA sex arrangement. But if the intention is to try and win the game and sweep the fair maiden off her feet and make her choose you, then complicating matters by sleeping with other women was a very poor strategy. Yes it may work for young naive besotted women, who will put up with anything to keep their man, but for most it implies he doesn't really care, despite his fine words and he is not then real relationship material.

When the object of the exercise was to be seen as real relationship material then it is hardly surprising that it was an unsuccessful ploy.

[TheBathWater]

Hard to say brother...I just know that in my experience, hard and fast timelines seem to evaporate. One month turns into two, then into six, then another year has passed. We tend to make excuses and concessions and live with (or allow) those because we desperately want things to work.

 

From my perspective, having waited as long as I did, and feeling very strung along, I'd say you owe her nothing. If it were me, I'd go out with the other single gal. You certainly don't have to put pressure on yourself or the situation, meaning it might be good for you to get out and just enjoy an available woman's company. I know it worked wonders for me!

 

We all tend to make excuses for the AP...and then we're left high and dry. I wouldn't sit around waiting...because I have and did and got nothing in return.

 

I told myself this, and I'll offer it to you, if a person doesn't clearly know what they want or want to do, then it's probably not going anywhere...unfortunately. I want someone who clearly knows that they want and need, not someone who's ambivalent, or conflicted.

 

Just my $0.02 worth on a Friday afternoon brother... That said, I'm heading out to meet my new, single, available (and very sweet and hot I might add!) gal for drinks and dinner!

 

Cheers,

 

Syre

 

Pretty much what I'm thinking. Nothing wrong with enjoying a single woman's company. I went out tonight and had a lovely time with the woman I mentioned who wants to be with me. I've known her for six months. We've never done anything physical together, not even a kiss.

 

You're spot on though about the waiting thing. It just doesn't seem promising to me that she will come back for sure. I think I am likely to either get a flat out 'no' or more likely a 'I need more time to sort things out' kind of message. I just can't imagine her saying at the end of all this that she is enthusiastic about being with me and is ready to go for it now. And from what I read around here, the probability of that in happening in this kind of situation is so low I might have a higher chance of being in a plane crash!

 

I don't think I feel right initiating anything romantic with her or anyone else just yet, at least until this 30 day run is up in a few weeks. I may still need some time after that to grieve and heal so I don't screw myself or any new woman up. But yeah, I found it helpful tonight just to be around someone who is simple, kind, caring, and that I enjoy talking to. I obviously am too attached to my A partner to make a move right now, but who knows several months down the line what is possible?

 

Thanks!

[Syre17]

Pretty much what I'm thinking. Nothing wrong with enjoying a single woman's company. I went out tonight and had a lovely time with the woman I mentioned who wants to be with me. I've known her for six months. We've never done anything physical together, not even a kiss.

 

You're spot on though about the waiting thing. It just doesn't seem promising to me that she will come back for sure. I think I am likely to either get a flat out 'no' or more likely a 'I need more time to sort things out' kind of message. I just can't imagine her saying at the end of all this that she is enthusiastic about being with me and is ready to go for it now. And from what I read around here, the probability of that in happening in this kind of situation is so low I might have a higher chance of being in a plane crash!

 

I don't think I feel right initiating anything romantic with her or anyone else just yet, at least until this 30 day run is up in a few weeks. I may still need some time after that to grieve and heal so I don't screw myself or any new woman up. But yeah, I found it helpful tonight just to be around someone who is simple, kind, caring, and that I enjoy talking to. I obviously am too attached to my A partner to make a move right now, but who knows several months down the line what is possible?

 

Thanks!

 

Good for you man, I'm glad you got out there and had a good time. Only time and your feelings will tell what the outcome will be but it's good you're trying to enjoy life a little in the meantime. Sometimes being with or around someone of the opposite sex who is truly availabke and without the dysfunction can bring some clarity of what one deserves.