How long until you started dating again and what did you do?

June 20, 2017

I'm only in the very early aftermath of a very painful breakup with an engaged woman who has gone NC with me, and I don't believe she is going to be restarting a relationship with me anytime in the near future, if ever at all.

I'm in no way shape or form ready to open my heart to someone new right now, but I was wondering what other peoples' experiences were in this area. How long did it take you from going NC until you were able to start dating again, and what did you do in order to give new people a fair chance?

I had cut off all previous women that I was courting toward the end of my one-year on/off relationship with the engaged woman. I feel like our love was so deep and the connection so strong that I worry no one else can ever come close to replicating what I had with her. I'm hoping to gain some perspective by hearing a few inspiring and/or encouraging stories.

Thanks in advance.

June 20, 2017

when u feel ready, is best. but no harm in one night stands

June 20, 2017

One suggestion that worked for me years ago. Dating does not mean opening your heart to anybody and everybody. You don't need to be in the love game to enjoy someone's company when you're doing something you like to do.

Examples. I took sailing and scuba lessons with a gal who wanted to do those things too. Mothers was no romance involved. Yet I had a good time doing them with her. And unlike an afFair there was no drama involved. Nor any sense of obligation. The goal wasn't romance but rather getting the certifications.

You don't have to fall in love to be having a good time.

June 20, 2017

Hey Tuna, sorry didn't know your A ended. You ok?

Some people jump right back into the dating scene after a breakup. Gives validation that you are still desirable. Most of us though, are so mixed and messed up that the thought of even touching someone else, or even faking a nice time during a date, is so daunting and nothing short of a painful reminder of what you just lost. At this point Tuna, no one will compare to her and you'll just be going through the motions.

Take some time to regroup. Give some distance between you and xAP. Then you'll know when you are ready to find someone available and only for you.

June 20, 2017

I'm one of the dive right back in types.

My personality is not one to sit around and dwell on her or feel sorry for myself; that would give way too much "power" to her still. Maybe growing up on a ranch with horses got me ingrained in the "if you get thrown, you get right back in the saddle" philosophy and mindset... Who knows...

I agree with one of the other posters who said that it doesn't always have to be romantic outings with the opposite sex. I have several platonic female friends who were fun to hang out with. A couple of them knew my/our story and would actually offer good insight into my former AP's mind from a femal perspective.

One thing to bear in mind, with (normal) dating, as with A's I suppose, usually comes some level of "rejection" whether it be unanswered emails on a dating site, or people disappearing after what seems to be good chemistry. If you're feeling rejected already, that might sting a little, or a lot...depending.

At the end of the day, I've reminded myself at times of all the time and energy I wasted as a single guy (who left his W for the AP), and all the great single women I passed on or dumped when I'd go back to/with her, my AP, despite her never being able to get her $#IT together.

I say onward and upward...success is the sweetest revenge...

Edited June 20, 2017 by Syre17
Missing word

June 20, 2017

Hey Tuna, sorry didn't know your A ended. You ok?

Some people jump right back into the dating scene after a breakup. Gives validation that you are still desirable. Most of us though, are so mixed and messed up that the thought of even touching someone else, or even faking a nice time during a date, is so daunting and nothing short of a painful reminder of what you just lost. At this point Tuna, no one will compare to her and you'll just be going through the motions.

Take some time to regroup. Give some distance between you and xAP. Then you'll know when you are ready to find someone available and only for you.

Thanks for the thoughts. I am having a hard time, especially because the 30 day break she initiated with both me and her fiancé leaves things up in the air as far as what she's going to decide to do (but she intends to break NC with him sooner than me, I know). But I guess I'm not expecting a positive outcome for her and I given the tone of her emails to me. She really seemed to be focused on her needs and not very sensitive to what I'm feeling. I wish she would just reject me now so I can start the grief work sooner than later, but I guess it's going to be a few more weeks at least. I hate how she always has the power in the relationship. I often feel she is controlling me, even though she probably doesn't see it that way at all because she is "good intentioned."

What's messed up is that even though this woman is not actively choosing me right now, I still feel like she is "the one" for me. I imagine that's typical AP talk, but the belief feels very real to me. But I also believe in a very real way that the right woman for me WANTS to be with me. If she is the one indeed, then that will become apparent. There's really nothing more I can do at this point.

Edited June 20, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

June 21, 2017

Thanks for the thoughts. I am having a hard time, especially because the 30 day break she initiated with both me and her fiancé leaves things up in the air as far as what she's going to decide to do (but she intends to break NC with him sooner than me, I know). But I guess I'm not expecting a positive outcome for her and I given the tone of her emails to me. She really seemed to be focused on her needs and not very sensitive to what I'm feeling. I wish she would just reject me now so I can start the grief work sooner than later, but I guess it's going to be a few more weeks at least. I hate how she always has the power in the relationship. I often feel she is controlling me, even though she probably doesn't see it that way at all because she is "good intentioned."

What's messed up is that even though this woman is not actively choosing me right now, I still feel like she is "the one" for me. I imagine that's typical AP talk, but the belief feels very real to me. But I also believe in a very real way that the right woman for me WANTS to be with me. If she is the one indeed, then that will become apparent. There's really nothing more I can do at this point.

Been there, done that and got the proverbial T-shirt...

I waited 3.5 years for mine (AP) to get it together. I think you hit the nail on the head about the control. It was a complete catch-22...I ran all over hells half-acre to accommodate her...thinking surely she'd recognize the immense effort I put forth. I think it actually ended up having just the opposite effect in that it just gave her most of the power and control over our relationship. It manifested in other ways too, the control, which likely stemmed from her lack thereof with her H and their marriage. I think some of the most manipulative and controlling people think they are anything but...and often say how "good intentioned" they are...

June 21, 2017

Been there, done that and got the proverbial T-shirt...

I waited 3.5 years for mine (AP) to get it together. I think you hit the nail on the head about the control. It was a complete catch-22...I ran all over hells half-acre to accommodate her...thinking surely she'd recognize the immense effort I put forth. I think it actually ended up having just the opposite effect in that it just gave her most of the power and control over our relationship. It manifested in other ways too, the control, which likely stemmed from her lack thereof with her H and their marriage. I think some of the most manipulative and controlling people think they are anything but...and often say how "good intentioned" they are...

You'll probably resonate with this one then...Get ready to poop your pants...

I actually ended my first international vacation abruptly and missed out on what would have been a career-defining moment for me at a big conference in order to fly home early to see her because she was angry/threatening to end things when I told her that I hooked up with someone while I was on vacation (she already knew I was going to be dating/sleeping with other women). I literally flew halfway around the world for her, cut off all other women from my dating life, and took major hits in personal, financial, and business domains, all just to 'prove' to her that I was serious about us. I helped set her up with therapy after a year of urging her to get help. I agreed to move halfway across the country with her closer to her family if she decides to be with me. She told me she sees a marriage and kids with me. She tells me how she's never felt like this about anyone before, cares about me more than her fiancé, that I'm "the one," etc... then just a week later, she tells me we need to end things because she's too ridden with guilt and "wants to give her fiancé a fair chance first." She gets back with me a week later, tells me she knows for sure I'm the one now, then abandons ship again through an email (of all ways), gets angry with me for being upset and not being more understanding of her feelings. I think I am understanding, actually, but she didn't like that I asserted I have a right to be upset too. It's like only she is allowed to hurt right now. She wants no responsibility for how I am affected by all of this, yet she wants me to act responsible and considerate for how she is affected by all of this. It's really discouraging and you can't help but question whether or not you're going nuts, I think. How can someone switch on you just like that?

I love and care about this woman, and I see us both as feeling strong things and just trying to do our best, but I don't think she fully realizes how much she has been indirectly controlling me and really doesn't seem to feel bad about it at all...is even getting mad at me over it. It's like a total shock to the system to me. I hope she is doing what she needs to do on her end, but I do wish she were being more sensitive to me for sure. I just know it's not going to end well when she writes me in a month, and that she's going to somehow point the finger at me and say it's my own doing that she is choosing not to be with me. I imagine she wants to save her engagement, and if he ends up dumping her then she'll probably opt to be alone.

Never before has one person made me feel so much love and acceptance, and then sometimes at the flick of a switch, so much hurt and rejection.

Edited June 21, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

June 21, 2017

How long until you started dating again and what did you do?

IIRC, it was about 3 years or so between goodbye and when I first dated anyone else. By that point, a then new medium, the commercial internet, offered a new idea, online dating ads, so I tried it, met a few women and dated a bit. That was around 22 years ago. My recollection was, at that point, whatever remnants of the old attachment were either gone or firmly entrenched in the subconscious. I mention the latter because later stress while married brought some of the thoughts and feelings back to the surface so, in reality, they weren't completely gone. It took therapy to get rid of them for good. IMO, had I sought therapeutic tools during the three year hiatus from dating, that could've helped me later in married life.

Only way to know for sure is to go out on dates and see how you feel. Whatever happens will come naturally. Accept it as valid and go from there. You might be ready; you might not. It'll come.

June 21, 2017

You'll probably resonate with this one then...Get ready to poop your pants...

I actually ended my first international vacation abruptly and missed out on what would have been a career-defining moment for me at a big conference in order to fly home early to see her because she was angry/threatening to end things when I told her that I hooked up with someone while I was on vacation (she already knew I was going to be dating/sleeping with other women). I literally flew halfway around the world for her, cut off all other women from my dating life, and took major hits in personal, financial, and business domains, all just to 'prove' to her that I was serious about us. I helped set her up with therapy after a year of urging her to get help. I agreed to move halfway across the country with her closer to her family if she decides to be with me. She told me she sees a marriage and kids with me. She tells me how she's never felt like this about anyone before, cares about me more than her fiancé, that I'm "the one," etc... then just a week later, she tells me we need to end things because she's too ridden with guilt and "wants to give her fiancé a fair chance first." She gets back with me a week later, tells me she knows for sure I'm the one now, then abandons ship again through an email (of all ways), gets angry with me for being upset and not being more understanding of her feelings. I think I am understanding, actually, but she didn't like that I asserted I have a right to be upset too. It's like only she is allowed to hurt right now. She wants no responsibility for how I am affected by all of this, yet she wants me to act responsible and considerate for how she is affected by all of this. It's really discouraging and you can't help but question whether or not you're going nuts, I think. How can someone switch on you just like that?

I love and care about this woman, and I see us both as feeling strong things and just trying to do our best, but I don't think she fully realizes how much she has been indirectly controlling me and really doesn't seem to feel bad about it at all...is even getting mad at me over it. It's like a total shock to the system to me. I hope she is doing what she needs to do on her end, but I do wish she were being more sensitive to me for sure. I just know it's not going to end well when she writes me in a month, and that she's going to somehow point the finger at me and say it's my own doing that she is choosing not to be with me. I imagine she wants to save her engagement, and if he ends up dumping her then she'll probably opt to be alone.

Never before has one person made me feel so much love and acceptance, and then sometimes at the flick of a switch, so much hurt and rejection.

This is so classic. We drop everything to be at their beck and call. And what do we get in return? An empty promise. Mine did that to me too. Have the nerve to say if I ever dated he would dump me (little did he know how much dating I did heh heh). So incredibly selfish on the MP's part when you really think about it. I wanted him to end the A but he always said "the ball is in your court to decide what to do". He was weak too I guess. So it was left to me to continue the torture.

You are spot on. If she doesn't choose you (likely that will be the case, sorry Tuna) then at least you know now. You won't need wait around for years for some shred of hope that she will somehow change her mind. I sense that you won't in your posts. Don't be me.

June 21, 2017

You'll probably resonate with this one then...Get ready to poop your pants...

I actually ended my first international vacation abruptly and missed out on what would have been a career-defining moment for me at a big conference in order to fly home early to see her because she was angry/threatening to end things when I told her that I hooked up with someone while I was on vacation (she already knew I was going to be dating/sleeping with other women). I literally flew halfway around the world for her, cut off all other women from my dating life, and took major hits in personal, financial, and business domains, all just to 'prove' to her that I was serious about us. I helped set her up with therapy after a year of urging her to get help. I agreed to move halfway across the country with her closer to her family if she decides to be with me. She told me she sees a marriage and kids with me. She tells me how she's never felt like this about anyone before, cares about me more than her fiancé, that I'm "the one," etc... then just a week later, she tells me we need to end things because she's too ridden with guilt and "wants to give her fiancé a fair chance first." She gets back with me a week later, tells me she knows for sure I'm the one now, then abandons ship again through an email (of all ways), gets angry with me for being upset and not being more understanding of her feelings. I think I am understanding, actually, but she didn't like that I asserted I have a right to be upset too. It's like only she is allowed to hurt right now. She wants no responsibility for how I am affected by all of this, yet she wants me to act responsible and considerate for how she is affected by all of this. It's really discouraging and you can't help but question whether or not you're going nuts, I think. How can someone switch on you just like that?

I love and care about this woman, and I see us both as feeling strong things and just trying to do our best, but I don't think she fully realizes how much she has been indirectly controlling me and really doesn't seem to feel bad about it at all...is even getting mad at me over it. It's like a total shock to the system to me. I hope she is doing what she needs to do on her end, but I do wish she were being more sensitive to me for sure. I just know it's not going to end well when she writes me in a month, and that she's going to somehow point the finger at me and say it's my own doing that she is choosing not to be with me. I imagine she wants to save her engagement, and if he ends up dumping her then she'll probably opt to be alone.

Never before has one person made me feel so much love and acceptance, and then sometimes at the flick of a switch, so much hurt and rejection.

It definitely resonates with me...

I heard, almost verbatim, many of the same things as you did. She couldn't live without me, needed me in her life, never loved or felt this way about anyone but me, wanted to spend the rest of her life with me...one time after we broke it off for a while, was "never more sure that she loved and wanted me..." I could go on ad nauseum...

I too put mine "on notice" that I was going to begin dating and seeing people after the first 1.5 years with no progress or steps on her part, despite me having left my W. Of course she didn't like that and it wasn't an idle threat on my part, but rather the reality of her hollow words and reassurances that never came to light. I actually ran into her while I was on a date one evening (we live in a mid size city and frequent a lot of the same establishments) and immediately after she blew up my phone...going on and on with the same old same old and despite her still being at "home" with her H. Funny how that works...

I'm all too familiar with the I love and can't live without you one day and then "I feel so guilty and bad..." the next. Those swings were incredibly difficult as I'm sure you know from what you've shared. I never knew what to expect from one day to the next. Like you, it was as though everything she was doing (or not for that matter) was of no real imposition to her. As understanding and accommodating as I was, I was made to feel like I should have been more understanding...hell, for every inch of rope I gave, she took a mile. Similarly, when I stood my ground, I wasn't "understanding enough."

Until our last day of NC, she constantly threw it in my face that I dated other women...uhhhhh after I gave her 1.5 years to sort her $#IT out!?!? It was okay for her to stay back at her house under the same roof as her H, despite finally getting an apartment "for us" but a total double standard for me. But again, "you just don't understand..." As in your case, I typically dumped, ignored and passed on some beautiful and accomplished (available) women for her.

I am not a man who lacks confidence...at all... I'm an accomplished business executive, well educated, former model in my younger days (and have aged well...haha), still very fit and have my $#IT very together but she chewed through my self esteem like nobody ever has... Sometimes, I'm stymied by it all...

Edited June 21, 2017 by Syre17

June 21, 2017

This is so classic. We drop everything to be at their beck and call. And what do we get in return? An empty promise. Mine did that to me too. Have the nerve to say if I ever dated he would dump me (little did he know how much dating I did heh heh). So incredibly selfish on the MP's part when you really think about it. I wanted him to end the A but he always said "the ball is in your court to decide what to do". He was weak too I guess. So it was left to me to continue the torture.

You are spot on. If she doesn't choose you (likely that will be the case, sorry Tuna) then at least you know now. You won't need wait around for years for some shred of hope that she will somehow change her mind. I sense that you won't in your posts. Don't be me.

Of course...the classic, I'm too much of a coward (on their part) to make a hard, major life decision on my own, while keeping one foot firmly planted in two places. My belief is that this allays them from too much guilt, responsibility or ownership of anything that they've been a party to creating.

June 21, 2017

It definitely resonates with me...

I heard, almost verbatim, many of the same things as you did. She couldn't live without me, needed me in her life, never loved or felt this way about anyone but me, wanted to spend the rest of her life with me...one time after we broke it off for a while, was "never more sure that she loved and wanted me..." I could go on ad nauseum...

I too put mine "on notice" that I was going to begin dating and seeing people after the first 1.5 years with no progress or steps on her part, despite me having left my W. Of course she didn't like that and it wasn't an idle threat on my part, but rather the reality of her hollow words and reassurances that never came to light. I actually ran into her while I was on a date one evening (we live in a mid size city and frequent a lot of the same establishments) and immediately after she blew up my phone...going on and on with the same old same old and despite her still being at "home" with her H. Funny how that works...

I'm all too familiar with the I love and can't live without you one day and then "I feel so guilty and bad..." the next. Those swings were incredibly difficult as I'm sure you know from what you've shared. I never knew what to expect from one day to the next. Like you, it was as though everything she was doing (or not for that matter) was of no real imposition to her. As understanding and accommodating as I was, I was made to feel like I should have been more understanding...hell, for every inch of rope I gave, she took a mile. Similarly, when I stood my ground, I wasn't "understanding enough."

Until our last day of NC, she constantly threw it in my face that I dated other women...uhhhhh after I gave her 1.5 years to sort her $#IT out!?!? It was okay for her to stay back at her house under the same roof as her H, despite finally getting an apartment "for us" but a total double standard for me. But again, "you just don't understand..." As in your case, I typically dumped, ignored and passed on some beautiful and accomplished (available) women for her.

I am not a man who lacks confidence...at all... I'm an accomplished business executive, well educated, former model in my younger days (and have aged well...haha), still very fit and have my $#IT very together but she chewed through my self esteem like nobody ever has... Sometimes, I'm stymied by it all...

Sounds pretty much identical to my experience. I couldn't highlight any more boldly your text than I did, but if I could have I would have. That's her. I was always never understanding enough. I felt bad and considered that she was right and would accommodate, accommodate, accommodate... but it was never good enough. I was always unreasonable for asking her to think about my feelings.

She would also always throw it in my face when I dated or hooked up with other women. "How could you tell me you love me so much and then go out and just have sex with someone?" This is all coming from the woman who is going home to her fiancé when he's around and says she loves him, but has no problem deceiving him to be with me and telling me that I'm the love of her life. I always told her the truth: "I don't want to be with other women, not a single one of them...but you're always leaving me hanging, you're still with your fiancé, and I'm still single until you commit to me. If you want me that bad, and decide you are going to leave him, I'm all yours right then and there." It's like she would hold these against me to wield power over me and see how much I would surrender, maybe so she could feel powerful and influential over a man in ways she didn't feel she could with her husband. She always loved the way I desired her and complained how he was essentially a lifeless partner who was more like "a roommate."

Somehow though, I ended up handing her my balls in a brown paper bag with her initials on them, saying I wouldn't see any women at all because I was so scared that she would leave me and that if I stopped seeing other women it would 'prove' to her how serious I was. But this wasn't enough for her, and she continued to hold a couple of instances I had with other women against me right up until the end...despite my flying halfway around the world to see her while she was in crisis, swearing off other women, taking a major financial/career hit, and hell...I even wrote her a piano/vocal song and performed it to her for her birthday to further prove my love for her (as if flying halfway around the world wasn't enough).

And like you, I also consider myself to very successful, educated, good looks, fit, talented, etc... and I have had my fair share of women. So it's not a scarcity mindset by any means. This woman has gotten to me in ways that I never imagined any person ever could. I am convinced that no man is impervious to the seduction of a woman like this (except the one she goes home to). What I am ultimately going to be left with is, like you said, a major hit to my self-esteem. I'm sure I'll be back in the dating game before long, but it's going to take a while (maybe years, I fear) before I can recover completely and hope to find someone who will actually follow through with loving me in the way they say they do.

God bless us all, brother.

June 21, 2017

You are spot on. If she doesn't choose you (likely that will be the case, sorry Tuna) then at least you know now. You won't need wait around for years for some shred of hope that she will somehow change her mind. I sense that you won't in your posts. Don't be me.

Yeah, I feel like at least I know her well enough to know what she is NOT going to do at the end of all this break apart - that is not choosing our relationship. I'll seriously poop my pants if she does.

I definitely won't be waiting years for her, of that I am sure. I won't even be waiting months. If she gives me anything other than a solid yes (<.01 probability) then I'm done, done, done, and never letting her back in my life. I'll never put myself in her path again or any other woman who isn't available/doesn't want to commit to me. I want my life back.

A lot of hard lessons learned in this one.

June 21, 2017

Never before has one person made me feel so much love and acceptance, and then sometimes at the flick of a switch, so much hurt and rejection.

Amen, amen, amen. I am going through that myself right now.

June 21, 2017

Sounds pretty much identical to my experience. I couldn't highlight any more boldly your text than I did, but if I could have I would have. That's her. I was always never understanding enough. I felt bad and considered that she was right and would accommodate, accommodate, accommodate... but it was never good enough. I was always unreasonable for asking her to think about my feelings.

She would also always throw it in my face when I dated or hooked up with other women. "How could you tell me you love me so much and then go out and just have sex with someone?" This is all coming from the woman who is going home to her fiancé when he's around and says she loves him, but has no problem deceiving him to be with me and telling me that I'm the love of her life. I always told her the truth: "I don't want to be with other women, not a single one of them...but you're always leaving me hanging, you're still with your fiancé, and I'm still single until you commit to me. If you want me that bad, and decide you are going to leave him, I'm all yours right then and there." It's like she would hold these against me to wield power over me and see how much I would surrender, maybe so she could feel powerful and influential over a man in ways she didn't feel she could with her husband. She always loved the way I desired her and complained how he was essentially a lifeless partner who was more like "a roommate."

Somehow though, I ended up handing her my balls in a brown paper bag with her initials on them, saying I wouldn't see any women at all because I was so scared that she would leave me and that if I stopped seeing other women it would 'prove' to her how serious I was. But this wasn't enough for her, and she continued to hold a couple of instances I had with other women against me right up until the end...despite my flying halfway around the world to see her while she was in crisis, swearing off other women, taking a major financial/career hit, and hell...I even wrote her a piano/vocal song and performed it to her for her birthday to further prove my love for her (as if flying halfway around the world wasn't enough).

And like you, I also consider myself to very successful, educated, good looks, fit, talented, etc... and I have had my fair share of women. So it's not a scarcity mindset by any means. This woman has gotten to me in ways that I never imagined any person ever could. I am convinced that no man is impervious to the seduction of a woman like this (except the one she goes home to). What I am ultimately going to be left with is, like you said, a major hit to my self-esteem. I'm sure I'll be back in the dating game before long, but it's going to take a while (maybe years, I fear) before I can recover completely and hope to find someone who will actually follow through with loving me in the way they say they do.

God bless us all, brother.

Both of these posts, Tuna and Syre! Can relate to all of it except the man parts LOL. I was told to be more understanding as well and he would completely blow a gasket if I dare say anything or ask questions. Not sure what happened in my brain matter but I would have never in the past let a man control our relationship/me in such a degrading manner. Need some serious counselling. Yikes.

June 21, 2017

Both of these posts, Tuna and Syre! Can relate to all of it except the man parts LOL. I was told to be more understanding as well and he would completely blow a gasket if I dare say anything or ask questions. Not sure what happened in my brain matter but I would have never in the past let a man control our relationship/me in such a degrading manner. Need some serious counselling. Yikes.

I know I'm preaching to the choir, but I think when there are deep and profound feelings and that connection, our hearts and emotions override all pragmatic thinking. It's that vicious cycle where we think, believe and tell ourselves if we just keep showing, doing and demonstrating, that they'll come around.

June 21, 2017

Yeah, I feel like at least I know her well enough to know what she is NOT going to do at the end of all this break apart - that is not choosing our relationship. I'll seriously poop my pants if she does.

I definitely won't be waiting years for her, of that I am sure. I won't even be waiting months. If she gives me anything other than a solid yes (<.01 probability) then I'm done, done, done, and never letting her back in my life. I'll never put myself in her path again or any other woman who isn't available/doesn't want to commit to me. I want my life back.

A lot of hard lessons learned in this one.

I waited too long...way too long...but I'm forever the optimist to a fault. That and my innate drive to never give up made it incredibly difficult.

I know in my case, I worried at times that even if she did get it all together and we had a real start, whether it would work because despite being hopelessly in love with her, I grew very resentful from her actions and inactions.

Edited June 21, 2017 by Syre17

June 22, 2017

You'll probably resonate with this one then...Get ready to poop your pants...

I actually ended my first international vacation abruptly and missed out on what would have been a career-defining moment for me at a big conference in order to fly home early to see her because she was angry/threatening to end things when I told her that I hooked up with someone while I was on vacation (she already knew I was going to be dating/sleeping with other women). I literally flew halfway around the world for her, cut off all other women from my dating life, and took major hits in personal, financial, and business domains, all just to 'prove' to her that I was serious about us. I helped set her up with therapy after a year of urging her to get help. I agreed to move halfway across the country with her closer to her family if she decides to be with me. She told me she sees a marriage and kids with me. She tells me how she's never felt like this about anyone before, cares about me more than her fiancé, that I'm "the one," etc... then just a week later, she tells me we need to end things because she's too ridden with guilt and "wants to give her fiancé a fair chance first." She gets back with me a week later, tells me she knows for sure I'm the one now, then abandons ship again through an email (of all ways), gets angry with me for being upset and not being more understanding of her feelings. I think I am understanding, actually, but she didn't like that I asserted I have a right to be upset too. It's like only she is allowed to hurt right now. She wants no responsibility for how I am affected by all of this, yet she wants me to act responsible and considerate for how she is affected by all of this. It's really discouraging and you can't help but question whether or not you're going nuts, I think. How can someone switch on you just like that?

I love and care about this woman, and I see us both as feeling strong things and just trying to do our best, but I don't think she fully realizes how much she has been indirectly controlling me and really doesn't seem to feel bad about it at all...is even getting mad at me over it. It's like a total shock to the system to me. I hope she is doing what she needs to do on her end, but I do wish she were being more sensitive to me for sure. I just know it's not going to end well when she writes me in a month, and that she's going to somehow point the finger at me and say it's my own doing that she is choosing not to be with me. I imagine she wants to save her engagement, and if he ends up dumping her then she'll probably opt to be alone.

Never before has one person made me feel so much love and acceptance, and then sometimes at the flick of a switch, so much hurt and rejection.

Classic mind fuuuuuuck

June 22, 2017

IIRC, it was about 3 years or so between goodbye and when I first dated anyone else. By that point, a then new medium, the commercial internet, offered a new idea, online dating ads, so I tried it, met a few women and dated a bit. That was around 22 years ago. My recollection was, at that point, whatever remnants of the old attachment were either gone or firmly entrenched in the subconscious. I mention the latter because later stress while married brought some of the thoughts and feelings back to the surface so, in reality, they weren't completely gone. It took therapy to get rid of them for good. IMO, had I sought therapeutic tools during the three year hiatus from dating, that could've helped me later in married life.

Only way to know for sure is to go out on dates and see how you feel. Whatever happens will come naturally. Accept it as valid and go from there. You might be ready; you might not. It'll come.

OMG! Ye Olde Interwebs was BAD. Everyone had dial-up, most people were in those AOL chat rooms, and online dating was in it's infancy. Nutters abounded, but it took 5x as long to notice because connections were so slow.

How long it took me to date after a relationship ended generally depended on how long it too me to find someone I was attracted to that asked. When a door is closed, a window opens.

June 22, 2017

Classic mind fuuuuuuck

No truer words...and classic double standard. Sounds like all of our AP's suffered from the "I want it one way for me, your understanding, but the same things I want don't apply to you."

Edited June 22, 2017 by Syre17

June 22, 2017

I actually ended my first international vacation abruptly and missed out on what would have been a career-defining moment for me at a big conference in order to fly home early to see her because she was angry/threatening to end things when I told her that I hooked up with someone while I was on vacation (she already knew I was going to be dating/sleeping with other women). I literally flew halfway around the world for her, cut off all other women from my dating life, and took major hits in personal, financial, and business domains, all just to 'prove' to her that I was serious about us.

But you had already "proved" to her that you were not serious about the two of you when you slept with that other woman. There is a difference between being somewhat allowed to sleep with other women as it is "fair" due to the circumstances and actually going ahead and doing it.

Anything you did after that to make amends, I guess meant very little to her. That flick of a switch was not out of the blue was it?

She may have a fiancé and pretty liberal ideas about sex and relationships, but your loyalty to her was found wanting and I guess that is why you are probably out on your ear here.

How can a woman now "convert to monogamy" and choose you, when it was obviously impossible for you to even just go on a vacation without hooking up with someone else?

June 22, 2017

But you had already "proved" to her that you were not serious about the two of you when you slept with that other woman. There is a difference between being somewhat allowed to sleep with other women as it is "fair" due to the circumstances and actually going ahead and doing it.
Anything you did after that to make amends, I guess meant very little to her. That flick of a switch was not out of the blue was it?
She may have a fiancé and pretty liberal ideas about sex and relationships, but your loyalty to her was found wanting and I guess that is why you are probably out on your ear here.

How can a woman now "convert to monogamy" and choose you, when it was obviously impossible for you to even just go on a vacation without hooking up with someone else?

I respectfully disagree with you on this...

He put her on notice, if I understand correctly, that he was going to see other people, which in my book, is fair game if ones AP can't get it together and make a clear cut decision and choice. I did the same with mine; put her on notice while I waited monogamous for her for 1.5 years. Sure, she didn't like it, and HATED the thought of me with other women, but tough $#iT if you're dawdling along, not taking action and going home to your spouse (fiancé or whomever) every night.

When one person becomes single in an A, it's a game changer and it should be unless the OP can get it together (if that's the plan) in a resonable, and mutually agreeable timeline.

I see/read a ton of effort on his, Tunas, part but little on hers.

June 22, 2017

But you had already "proved" to her that you were not serious about the two of you when you slept with that other woman. There is a difference between being somewhat allowed to sleep with other women as it is "fair" due to the circumstances and actually going ahead and doing it.
Anything you did after that to make amends, I guess meant very little to her. That flick of a switch was not out of the blue was it?
She may have a fiancé and pretty liberal ideas about sex and relationships, but your loyalty to her was found wanting and I guess that is why you are probably out on your ear here.

How can a woman now "convert to monogamy" and choose you, when it was obviously impossible for you to even just go on a vacation without hooking up with someone else?

She always said she wouldn't like it if I slept with someone else, obviously, but that she understood and accepted it. Then there was a time where she really was against it and would tell me if I did have sex with someone then it was over. I obeyed this for a while but became resentful at all the various ways that I was supposed to act like her committed boyfriend with no exceptions (there are many more examples I could provide on this than just sleeping with someone), yet she was going home to her fiancé, sleeping with him occasionally, blowing off our plans randomly because she wanted to hang out with her male coworkers (one of whom she has said she wants to have sex with and has made passes at her, though she denies anything has happened), etc... But I was always supposed to be in the boyfriend role and then be "understanding" of her situation. I had to act like a boyfriend, but if I challenged her in the many ways that she wasn't matching me in acting like a girlfriend, I was not understanding enough of her situation.

One night, it came to a point where I got frustrated that we were not making any progress toward commitment, so I told her flat out, "I'm going to start dating and sleeping with other women again if you're not going to commit to me." She didn't like it, but she said okay and that she understood. When I did sleep with someone, I let her know, and that's when she absolutely flipped out and threatened to leave me. That was the point when I once again said I would stop dating or sleeping with other women, and went back to boyfriend mode. Even though it didn't feel fair to me, I thought maybe this time she would actually change her tune a little and get more serious with me. Surprisingly, she did to a greater extent. I still don't feel proud of how it happened, but I'm glad in a way that it brought some realizations to the surface for the both of us.

June 22, 2017

I respectfully disagree with you on this...

He put her on notice, if I understand correctly, that he was going to see other people, which in my book, is fair game if ones AP can't get it together and make a clear cut decision and choice. I did the same with mine; put her on notice while I waited monogamous for her for 1.5 years. Sure, she didn't like it, and HATED the thought of me with other women, but tough $#iT if you're dawdling along, not taking action and going home to your spouse (fiancé or whomever) every night.

When one person becomes single in an A, it's a game changer and it should be unless the OP can get it together (if that's the plan) in a resonable, and mutually agreeable timeline.

I see/read a ton of effort on his, Tunas, part but little on hers.

Pretty much. I was always true to my word. If I said I was going to see and sleep with other women, I did, and I would disclose that to her. For the majority of the affair, I did not sleep with other women. There were only two. The first was when we were part of a polyamorous relationship (so I guess that it wasn't really an affair yet), and the second was when we were in a full blown affair and she wasn't taking any actions toward being a girlfriend but kept expecting me to be a boyfriend. That's when I gave her the notice.

I'm sure she would argue that she made A LOT of effort by lying to her fiancé and finding time to be with me. But one thing that I think about here is how she wouldn't make efforts if it benefited me but inconvenienced her, whereas she expected me to make efforts that benefited her even if they put a TON of inconvenience on me. She wanted to live her life the way she wanted to and "not be told what to do," but if I ever wanted to live my life for me and she didn't like something, it was suddenly okay to threaten the potential future of our relationship.

She was very selfish, and she knew it. She would even say things like "I know it's hypocritical but so be it; that's the way I feel." Hey, at least she was honest about that. But I always resented how her needs were priority and I had to be understanding, and if I had a problem with it and wanted to advocate for my needs and feelings, then "I guess this just isn't going to work out."

I know I'm probably making her sound awful, but I'm really just angry and that's what's coming through right now. She really is not trying to be malicious and is actually really sweet and loving, but this was how things played out. There was A LOT more good about her than bad, but this was definitely the stuff that upset me the most with her and I always felt silenced in my attempts to talk about it.

Edited June 22, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

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