Interfaith dating

[avoforastig]

Sorry for the long post, but I have a lot on my mind. I've been dating a woman for about 3 months. After a month or so, she brought up the topic of religion. She is a loosely practicing Catholic, only really attending services on Easter and Christmas. However, she was raised Catholic, going to all Catholic schools and college. She told me she wanted to get married in a church, go on holidays, and have children baptized. Initially, I thought this didn't sound too bad.

 

As for me, I was raised Catholic and spent some of my elementary school years in Catholic school before switching to the public school. As a deep, critical thinker, Christianity never added up for me from a logical perspective. As an adult, I'm a man of science. I question everything and I love it. I'd say I'm agnostic because science, with our current understanding, can't disprove the existence of a God. I don't disrespect others who do not share my view. However, I, myself, often don't feel respected for having my views. I occasionally go to church services with my parents for holidays just because its easier than trying to express my views to them for the millionth time.

 

The conversation came up again this past week, as I wanted more clarification regarding her views. She reported wanting her children to go to church more frequently as children because she likes the "traditions" of the church and feels that its helpful for creating morals in children. She also told me she did not agree with the church's views on homosexuals, contraception, or premarital sex(Personally, these are three reasons I would never ever consider supporting the organization). She also seemed to imply she would prefer the children would go to Catholic school, but it probably wouldn't be feasible financially. She also reported not complying with marriage in a Catholic church, church on holidays, and baptized children was a deal breaker for her.

 

I told her that sending children to Catholic school was not ok with me. I also expressed that I try to be understanding that others don't always share my views. However, I'm not feeling great about the conversation. Initially, I didn't think it would be so bad to get married in a Catholic church or have children be baptized. The more I think about it though, the more it repels me.

 

I would never want to force a child into a religion. I think religious beliefs are a personal decision. I don't like the brainwashing that occurs. I think the Catholic church is a scandalous, house of cards organization and I am repulsed by their political views. I would prefer my child to learn how to think critically, not make stuff up because they don't know how to explain something.

 

I like her a lot but I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me. To me, I feel like my views were someone disrespected as she took a rather take it or leave it mentality towards the discussion instead of a compromising attitude. It also makes me wonder what else she wouldn't compromise on.

 

How can you make an interfaith relationship work without having to ignore your own personal views? How can I re-open the conversation with a compromise based talk?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My sister is currently dealing with this from the perspective of a woman of faith dealing with a man/husband/father who has decided, after professing to be a Christian when they got married 15 years ago, that he's an adamant atheist who will not allow his children to have ANY unsupervised (by him or my sis) contact with relatives who believe in God. It's caused a HUGE rift in their relationship, and with those of us who care about them deeply. I would advise that this issue be resolved 100% before you get married and have children together. Unless both of you are 100% on the same page that it "really doesn't matter," it WILL matter and will cause problems . For your situation in particular, I think you need to make sure what lines she's willing to cross and what lines she will firmly be drawing, and see if you can live with them.

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry you are going through this. This is a sticky topic with people. Unfortunately the best thing to do for both parties in this situation is to resolved it by one bending to the other's wants, or for you to break up. There is no in between or compromise here.

[carhill]

Partnerships, beyond the love part, are about respect, communication and compromise.

 

To me, you aren't that far apart. I was the product of a staunch Catholic and basically agnostic Lutheran and, interestingly, the bend was on the agnostic side and I got the full force and indoctrination of the church and school for the duration and still, upon majority, chose the way my female role model showed me, however with many of the specific moral codes the church taught. Other than when my dad died, out of respect to him (yup, mom followed his wishes to the letter, including a funeral mass), I never again entered a church in the 40 some years since high school graduation mass.

 

People have free will. Children definitely are influenced by their parents but are ultimately their own person and make their own choices regarding faith and morals.

 

Up to you. I don't see a big problem here on the religion/faith part. That said, if you and your partner are entrenched in your positions and won't bend, move on now while young.

[amaysngrace]

Your lack of religion wouldn't bother me near as much as your arrogant attitude would.

 

Move on and find an atheist equal since this chick is obviously beneath you.

[Arieswoman]

avforastig,

 

How can you make an interfaith relationship work without having to ignore your own personal views?

 

You can't make any relationship work when you ignore your own personal views.

 

There is no middle ground here, sorry.

[PegNosePete]

Initially, I didn't think it would be so bad to get married in a Catholic church or have children be baptized.

Well, the problem with getting married in a catholic church is that it's easier said than done. If you're not prepared to follow the required procedure then you can't get married in a catholic church, full stop. You can't just pick and choose the parts you like, as she seems to want to do. There's some information here: Getting Married in the Catholic Church: FAQs and many people in similar situation to you in the comments section at the bottom.

 

To me it sounds as though you have fairly similar lifestyles, but for some reason she wants her kids to be more religious than she is. She doesn't seem to practice what she preaches. She doesn't live a catholic lifestyle either, yet she wants to marry in a catholic church. Maybe if she were to find out exactly what is required to have a catholic wedding, she might have other thoughts too, and you could compromise on a less strict church wedding? Maybe find out about the procedure, let her know which parts you have a problem with, and see if she also has problems with parts of it?

 

It may be worth scheduling a meeting with a priest to discuss it. You might find out that it's easier than you think, or she might find out it's not for her after all. Be prepared for at least some "sales pressure".

 

How can I re-open the conversation with a compromise based talk?

Well if you're not prepared to meet the requirements for a catholic wedding, and she's not prepared to go through with a non-catholic wedding, then there's no compromise to be had. Sometimes there is simply no middle ground. In the long term I'd recommend standing up for your beliefs rather than going through with something you don't believe in.

[WaitingForBardot]

I'm sorry you are going through this. This is a sticky topic with people. Unfortunately the best thing to do for both parties in this situation is to resolved it by one bending to the other's wants, or for you to break up. There is no in between or compromise here.

This is not necessarily true. My wife was the product of a staunch Catholic upbringing, parochial schools, the whole shebang, and I am an atheist, or what would probably be called a Secular Humanist. I did not convert or get baptized, and we were married in my wife's church.

 

I'm not saying it has been easy, raising our kids was especially difficult, for both of us, but we've made it work for >30 years now.

[WaitingForBardot]

Well, the problem with getting married in a catholic church is that it's easier said than done. If you're not prepared to follow the required procedure then you can't get married in a catholic church, full stop. You can't just pick and choose the parts you like, as she seems to want to do. There's some information here: Getting Married in the Catholic Church: FAQs and many people in similar situation to you in the comments section at the bottom.

 

To me it sounds as though you have fairly similar lifestyles, but for some reason she wants her kids to be more religious than she is. She doesn't seem to practice what she preaches. She doesn't live a catholic lifestyle either, yet she wants to marry in a catholic church. Maybe if she were to find out exactly what is required to have a catholic wedding, she might have other thoughts too, and you could compromise on a less strict church wedding? Maybe find out about the procedure, let her know which parts you have a problem with, and see if she also has problems with parts of it?

 

It may be worth scheduling a meeting with a priest to discuss it. You might find out that it's easier than you think, or she might find out it's not for her after all. Be prepared for at least some "sales pressure".

It does depend on the specific church you attend, the Catholic Church is not entirely monolithic. The only requirements placed on me by my wife's priest (in order to marry us in the church and give us his blessing) were that I had to attend some counseling sessions with him, attend the Church's Engaged Encounter program, and acknowledge that my wife had a responsibility to raise our children as Catholics. Note the language in that last statement: Neither she, nor I, were required to raise them as Catholics, I just had to acknowledge that she had that responsibility.

 

And while I too expected major sale pressure on the religious and conversion fronts, it never materialized. Her priest and the clergy/laypersons running Engaged Encounters seemed entirely focused on making sure we knew what we were getting ourselves into and that we were going to stay married.

 

 

Well if you're not prepared to meet the requirements for a catholic wedding, and she's not prepared to go through with a non-catholic wedding, then there's no compromise to be had. Sometimes there is simply no middle ground. In the long term I'd recommend standing up for your beliefs rather than going through with something you don't believe in.

The only ultimatum I gave my future wife was that if I went through with my part and either her parents or church refused, we would elope. She reluctantly agreed but it all worked out for us.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I consider myself a deist. But before that, I was 'born-again' and soon after, ambivalent.

 

I raise my children in a positive and supportive environment and that includes placing them in private schools. Some parochial and some non. My young children have little to no true concept of a deity and I believe as young as they are, they really shouldn't. Life is and will be complicated enough than to try to make sense of an omnipotent being that seems absent or hands-off. Try explaining the who trinity and resurrection thing to children under 12. A rational mess.

 

My children, are developing their own paradigm and is not currently complicated by utilizing said deity to justify or explain what is right or wrong. They have been and simply are aware of and how to treat others with respect and understanding, rationale.

 

Anyway, if one of you is strict, it WILL pose an issue. I was fortunate enough that my children's mother was a believer, but accommodating. My recent ex was 'searching' and certainly not mainstream. Religion didn't become an issue either way.

 

If there is accommodation from both sides, it can work. If not....no chance.

[mon.]

Neither of you is 100% comfortable with your own "religious/spiritual status" in life. Start studying (the Bible, religion, spirituality) together and find a path suitable to both and to the children to come. No compromising needed, then.

 

Cause, in fact, no compromising is ever possible when it comes to personal beliefs and principles. It's either start from scratch together (as I'm suggesting) or one of the parties feeling resented for life.

[avoforastig]

Your lack of religion wouldn't bother me near as much as your arrogant attitude would.

 

Move on and find an atheist equal since this chick is obviously beneath you.

 

I didn't mean to come off as arrogant. I feel like agnostic/atheist people are often not treated with respect. I don't think she is beneath me but we definitely have differing views here.

[avoforastig]

This is not necessarily true. My wife was the product of a staunch Catholic upbringing, parochial schools, the whole shebang, and I am an atheist, or what would probably be called a Secular Humanist. I did not convert or get baptized, and we were married in my wife's church.

 

I'm not saying it has been easy, raising our kids was especially difficult, for both of us, but we've made it work for >30 years now.

 

How did you approach either introducing the children to Catholicism or not? Were you permitted to tell the children you had differing beliefs? How could a compromise be reached?

 

Personally, I feel like there is a big difference between sending children to Catholic schools and taking them to church as youths. I denounced the stuff pretty early, maybe age 12 or 13 myself. I just envision a kid saying something like, "dad isn't going to church, why do I have to go?"

 

I was raised Catholic and borderline hate the organization. Its a bit difficult for me to concede something as important as a marriage day to a location I generally feel uncomfortable in.

 

Certainly, no two couples are going to agree on everything. I just want to be able to express my opinion without judgement. It also concerns me her siblings and parents are regularly practicing Catholics and there will be added pressure from them.

 

I feel like this is all a bit premature but something that needs to be hashed out.

[No_Go]

I recently went through a break up of a LTR for similar reasons (me - agnostic, exBF - practicing Christian).

 

Although I bended to all his desires regarding church going etc, I later learned he resented me the whole time for not being a 'real Christian ' like his friends who 'kindly' told him for that reason I'm unsuitable for marriage.

 

In secret he was meeting the pastor to discuss 'what to do with me', other fellow evangelists etc. I learned most post break up from him and from mutual friends independently.

 

I thank my lucky stars I had an exit from this relationship because this was just the beginning (imagine if we had kids!)

 

Lesson: never again date a practicing Christian or other religious guy. Please consider a break up or conversion if you want to avoid massive issues in the near and far future. There is no middle ground in the situation.

[WaitingForBardot]

How did you approach either introducing the children to Catholicism or not? Were you permitted to tell the children you had differing beliefs? How could a compromise be reached?

 

Personally, I feel like there is a big difference between sending children to Catholic schools and taking them to church as youths. I denounced the stuff pretty early, maybe age 12 or 13 myself. I just envision a kid saying something like, "dad isn't going to church, why do I have to go?"

 

I was raised Catholic and borderline hate the organization. Its a bit difficult for me to concede something as important as a marriage day to a location I generally feel uncomfortable in.

 

Certainly, no two couples are going to agree on everything. I just want to be able to express my opinion without judgement. It also concerns me her siblings and parents are regularly practicing Catholics and there will be added pressure from them.

 

I feel like this is all a bit premature but something that needs to be hashed out.

 

We never hid the fact that my wife was a believer and I was not, the kids just grew up knowing that was the case. I did not attend church regularly, just for special occasions, and I'm not sure why, but they never raised the dad doesn't go why should I thing. And I was not exactly thrilled with the idea of getting married in her church, but it was very important to her, and that made it important to me. I did what I needed to in order to make that happen and I have no regrets. Especially considering how reasonable the requests her priest made of me were.

 

I'm not sure it's realistic to think you will never be judged for your beliefs or lack thereof. I'm sure my wife judges me all the time, but she knows I'm not going to change so it's rather pointless to beat me up about it. For my part, while I'm no big fan of any church, and never pretend to be, I recognize the role it played in my wife's life and in making her the person she is today, and for that I'm thankful.

 

Good luck!