lover77 Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 (edited) Hi, There is a girl who I've known for about a year now, and after dating for a few months last week we've decided to become boyfriend and girlfiend. Over the past week she's had to work crazy hours (she had to work on the weekend and worked for about 100hours), so has hardly texted me. I think mostly out of sheer excitement I've texted her almost every day 1 or 2 texts telling her things will be alright and I feel bad for her she has to work so much. Yesterday night I told her that I think we should try to call a few times a week because I think it's important we keep in touch even during busy weeks like this, because I hardly got any texts back and I just wanted to hear if she's okay. I also called 3 times but she didn't pick up. Because she was so busy the text ratio of me vs her has been at least 2:1 over the past week I'm afraid. Despite all of this, I've never really texted a lot, I think at most one day I might have sent 5 texts (i.e. not 5 times, but just 5 texts in total) - I realise this is too much given that she hardly texted, but for a normal relationship not a super crazy amount (I think). I was just really excited that she became my girlfriend and I think that has made for the fact that I've sent all these texts while I now really regret it. I also think that I've been much too nice, and have told her way too many times that she shouldn't worry because I understand she has to work hard etc. - I probably overdid it. I'm afraid now that I've messed up and that she thinks I'm clingy and will break up with me. That's honestly not how I am - but I am just someone who finds it important to know his significant other is alright. I'll definitely not initiate any text messages for the rest of the week (I've put a mental note not to do this on the homescreen of my mobile), but I just really wish I could go back. How much am I to blame for the situation? Do you guys think it's somewhat understandable that I was excited and did this? How badly did I mess up? Would be good to hear any thoughts on the situation. Edited June 19, 2017 by lover77
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Back the truck up a little OP, did she actually tell you that you're being clingy? 3
Author lover77 Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 Back the truck up a little OP, did she actually tell you that you're being clingy? No, she didn't. I just have a feeling I have been, given what I described above. I texted her significantly more than she texted me (even if it's not an aweful lot), and I really feel bad about it. I've had some bad experiences so I've just programmed my mind to expect that she'll break up with me so that things can only be better than expected.
Imajerk17 Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 If you and she are boyfriend-girlfriend after dating a year (your first paragraph), then it is a reasonable expectation that you would keep in touch more than she has. It sounds that she just isn't that into you nearly enough to keep being your girlfriend. And if she isn't that into you a year into dating, then there is no point in continuing. The only self-respecting thing to do is to break up w her.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 You definitely need to relax and quit worrying so much. Just ease off a little on the texting and calling if she's busy and not able to reciprocate at the moment. This won't be a big deal if you don't turn it into one. 1
Author lover77 Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 If you and she are boyfriend-girlfriend after dating a year (your first paragraph), then it is a reasonable expectation that you would keep in touch more than she has. It sounds that she just isn't that into you nearly enough to keep being your girlfriend. And if she isn't that into you a year into dating, then there is no point in continuing. The only self-respecting thing to do is to break up w her. You've misread - I know her for a year but we've dated for a few months and just became boyfriend and girlfriend a week ago. This week has been quite exceptional for her in terms of how much she's had to work, so I'm not really reading into not receiving many texts from her. It's more that I'm afraid I texted too much.
Author lover77 Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 You definitely need to relax and quit worrying so much. Just ease off a little on the texting and calling if she's busy and not able to reciprocate at the moment. This won't be a big deal if you don't turn it into one. Yeah, hopefully you're right. I just easily blame myself when I do these things - I write something nice to her and then I analyze a 100 times what I've said and regret it.
Imajerk17 Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 You've misread - I know her for a year but we've dated for a few months and just became boyfriend and girlfriend a week ago. This week has been quite exceptional for her in terms of how much she's had to work, so I'm not really reading into not receiving many texts from her. It's more that I'm afraid I texted too much. Noted. In particular that she has been scarse for only a week. Eh, people have come back from worse. Take @ExPat's advice and chill in the meanwhile. 1
Author lover77 Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 Noted. In particular that she has been scarse for only a week. Eh, people have come back from worse. Take @ExPat's advice and chill in the meanwhile. Hope so . I think my relationship before this has made for the fact that I immediately think she'll break up whenever something like this happens. Think I should work on not overreacting too much. Really appreciate the advice!
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Yeah, hopefully you're right. I just easily blame myself when I do these things - I write something nice to her and then I analyze a 100 times what I've said and regret it. Where does all of this anxiety come from? You seem to be very lacking in confidence, but I'm wondering why.
Author lover77 Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 (edited) Where does all of this anxiety come from? You seem to be very lacking in confidence, but I'm wondering why. I've just been in one 'relationship' before this. It didn't last more than 2 months and the girl was always still half thinking about her ex and half dating me. Looking back I was used as a way to get over her ex, but because that was my first experience I just don't seem to have the confidence that a relationship will actually work for me. It's not the personal confidence that I'm lacking, because I think I'm actually a very confident person and I feel great in my own skin at the moment. It doesn't help in addition to that that my current girlfriend is not someone to easily talk about her feelings even though she did last week when we had a really romantic day and got together; so I don't often get the reassurance that we're good - which I might need because of that past experience. I guess I just need to find reassurence in the fact that this girl has never let me down and she volunatirly chose to be me with me, and has even told me that she turned other guys away for me. I guess I need to do a better job of convincing myself that we're gonna be okay, though I also don't want to be vulnerable so tell myself to expect the worst. Edited June 19, 2017 by lover77
preraph Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 I would just point out that when some keeps telling you how busy they are, they are not wanting you to text them and interrupt them again to tell them how you understand how busy they are. It is them telling you "I'm too busy for you to be interrupting me all the time right now." So yes, I do think you've missed the hint and came across as desperate and willing to agree with her about anything but not willing to respect that she just told you she's really busy and give her some space. No, it's not normal as you say to always need to know if she's "alright." I think you already know she's alright. You're trying to make yourself feel alright that she is where she says she is and is still willing to talk to you. So stop texting stuff about how you understand and just don't bother her when she's at work or tells you she's busy unless there's some important reason other than making yourself feel more secure like confirming plans. Since she hasn't raised a stink yet, you can probably save this by stopping it. But she has told you over and over she's busy and you've just kept right on pestering her, and so I know she's feeling the lack of respect and boundaries there.
Author lover77 Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 (edited) I would just point out that when some keeps telling you how busy they are, they are not wanting you to text them and interrupt them again to tell them how you understand how busy they are. It is them telling you "I'm too busy for you to be interrupting me all the time right now." So yes, I do think you've missed the hint and came across as desperate and willing to agree with her about anything but not willing to respect that she just told you she's really busy and give her some space. No, it's not normal as you say to always need to know if she's "alright." I think you already know she's alright. You're trying to make yourself feel alright that she is where she says she is and is still willing to talk to you. So stop texting stuff about how you understand and just don't bother her when she's at work or tells you she's busy unless there's some important reason other than making yourself feel more secure like confirming plans. Since she hasn't raised a stink yet, you can probably save this by stopping it. But she has told you over and over she's busy and you've just kept right on pestering her, and so I know she's feeling the lack of respect and boundaries there. You're 100% spot on, I realized this myself as well which is exactly why I'm concerned that I messed up. Guess all I can do is stop my behaviour, but am just afraid I've done the damage already. Though I must say that there is also part of me that says she could have just picked up the phone on an evening and talked to me for 5 minutes given that we didn't speak for the whole week and just got together. Would've made things a lot easier. Edited June 19, 2017 by lover77 1
preraph Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Yeah. Just change the behavior, but don't go grovelling about it. If she notices you slowed way down just tell her, Yeah, I realized you were just really busy. 1
Author lover77 Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 (edited) Yeah. Just change the behavior, but don't go grovelling about it. If she notices you slowed way down just tell her, Yeah, I realized you were just really busy. Yes, I'll do that. I even asked her to still call me if she has time, which I immediately regretted and your comment underlines is completely the wrong thing to do. Think I won't text her till the weekend unless she texts me. Let's see what will happen then. At least I've realized my behaviour I guess - now let's just hope it hasn't destroyed what I hold dear. Then again if something like this has, then what the hell good was it anyway. Edited June 19, 2017 by lover77
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