Doubting My Reality

[LonelyJedi]

I am sure everyone is familiar with my story, but just in case:

 

FULL STORY

 

Short Version:

- We are both 24yrs old now, she left a week before our birthdays.

- We have been together for 6yrs, and planned on getting married at the end of the year. She chased me all those years ago because she really liked me.

- She has a tendency to put family/friends before me because she said she always wants to "please everyone". So I would always tell her that we need to only be concerned with us and make each other happy.

- I have noticed that since our engagement, our arguments got more intense than they should have been. I am wondering if it has to do with the fact her mother said "I wish I could be happy for you" (when she found out my ex was engaged to me).

- She said that in stressful situations, she often has "fight or flight" responses and almost always chooses "flight". I would encourage her that we can "fight" together and she doesn't need to run away all the time. She always told me she appreciated that and loved me.

- She would often go through "phases" (as I called them) because she would find interest in doing something, then all of sudden stop doing it and move on to the next big thing. I believe this was done in an effort to "fit in".

- After she left, she has done everything that she said she didn't like to do. She completely dropped out of school (parents didn't like her going), started drinking/going out with her old co-workers (who I thought she didn't like), etc. She has betrayed everything she stood for. All of these things she is doing is what her mother has always wanted her to do. Perhaps she chose her family over me? It hurts to think that...

- She has also begun a total social media PURGE. All of our pictures together, statuses, events, you name have all disappeared. It is like the last 5yrs of our lives never happened. Even the most innocent of statuses she posted years ago, "Seeing a movie with <my name>!" was deleted within hours.

 

 

 

Now that is out of the way...

 

Not only did she get a new boyfriend "officially" on May 20th, literally not even TWO MONTHS after she left & moved out with me.... but I found out today that she has registered for classes at college. So what I & my friends/family have been thinking all this time was wrong. We all thought she dropped out completely, based on what she told our mutual friend.

 

My friend, who is FB friends with her still, said something to me a few weeks ago that really has been swirling in my head for awhile and stinging.

Friend: "Do you know what is going on?"

Me: "No, and I don't want to know."

Friend: "Okay.. well it is becoming more obvious that she left you for this other guy."

Me: "Ouch."

 

I don't think that is case... especially since she left at the end of March, spent all of April going out to bars & literally advertising she was single.

Maybe it is? I don't know... I almost am afraid to deal with these emotions. This is not how I planned my year to go.... I wanted to get married.

 

I have already blocked her off social media, once a friend told me about her new BF. I have been in NC since she left and we have not spoken to each other since. I have also tried to be as firm as I can with my friends to not tell me anything.

 

Ever since she left, I have been doubting my perception of reality.

 

Am I really this horrible person she thinks I am?

Was I really the petty jerk that she thinks I am?

Was I not as good to her as I thought I was?

Was I not fair to her?

Should I have been more tolerant?

Etc...

 

I have been sticking to NC, but some of my friends leak information to me. I keep telling them I don't want to hear anything.

She left on March 24th... I have not been able to let go of her for some reason. It has been a struggle of emotions back & forth, between wanting her back desperately and not wanting her.

 

I know I shouldn't care, but I still do. I feel so betrayed, shocked & hurt...

 

Any help?

Edited June 19, 2017 by LonelyJedi

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, is this ex a genius PhD in the field of human behaviour, breaking new ground in her uncanny abilities to accurately label people?

 

If not, then you need to realize this is one person's opinion of you. Yes, I get it hurts more when it's coming from an ex. But you will eventually reach the point of not assuming she knows exactly what she's talking about when it comes to evaluating what type of person you are. That's where you are now; you're still in the mindset that she is right in everything she said about you. That will fade, with time.

 

Also, this is still fresh. March 24 - June 19 isn't very long, considering you were together 5 years. You will need considerably longer to really detach and heal. And that's ok. Be patient with yourself.

[NopeNah]

Your 'reality' is yours to make..not hers. Just saying. Learn,grow,make yourself the best version of you. Never let other's determine your reality.

[basil67]

It's not uncommon for a ex to view us as worse than we are. Them being over us does tend to skew their insight.

 

That said, all the arguments the two of you were having does indicate that the relationship had significant problems. And the 'fight or flight' response also indicates that the arguments were intense. How did the disagreements end up becoming fights instead of being resolved with quiet listening and understanding of each other's concerns? Was either of you prone to raising your voices in anger or to fling insults?

[Blanco]

If she really left you for this guy, then I'm not sure why you're even bothering to question yourself like this.

 

If she left you for someone else, it generally means her way of dealing with relationship issues was to find someone else or she betrayed your trust by laying the foundation for the next relationship while still with you. Either option doesn't make her look good nor make her a credible judge of character.

[spiderowl]

I am very sorry to hear your story. You have been together a long time so this must be a great shock. It will take time for you to adjust but you will. I know it might not seem like it at the moment.

 

Because you were together while young and effectively grew up together, I suspect this is a question of her feeling she has not had any other experience. It does not mean you did anything wrong; you just hoped for marriage whereas it seems she was having doubts.

 

When relationships break down, both tend to behave in ways that upset each other. I would not take her current behaviour as any reflection on you or typical of her. Eventually she will find some equilibrium but it may not be the kind of life you expected her to lead.

 

It really does not matter what her family thought. She has made a decision not them. She has decided to try out a different kind of life. I would think this was almost inevitable, given that she has been in a relationship from being a teenager.

 

It is possible you two will find each other again someday, but if so it is likely to be a long way down the line and there is no point waiting to see. I am sorry she backed out and that you have been thrown into this painful situation. You are obviously a person who wants commitment and to be settled with someone. You will find someone who wants that. You may even look back on this and be glad one day. That is not to say I don't appreciate how tough this is for you now.

 

I would assume no fault on either side here and resolve to make a different life for yourself. Trying to make sense of this will only wear you out; some things just never make sense.

 

Hugs

[Maldives]

My experience has been wen woman are so cruel and so keen to move on they either have someone lined up, someone they're talking to, someone they have feelings for or someone they r seeing. My current ex I learnt was the above. She even denied it and blamed me saying it wss my own insecurity talking wen I questioned her wether she'd met someone. They bs about it for watever reason but rest assured it's this. Same wth my ex wife 10 yrs ago. Here's a woman who I thought was an angel was a Christian and use to have and shot at me for not being as active as she was lol going to church. Later thru social media I followed tg he trail and it always a third party she will never admit that but I know I found out and I saw and read it wth my own eyes. These poor lost souls unfortunately cannot find happiness from within and monkey branch

 

I wanted to add, sometimes it's not such a bad thing finding out the truth. It helps u see the other person in a different light rather than them on a pedestal and I truly believe the truth sets u free. As much as it hurts and not wanting to know sometimes it's better too and it's not such a bad thing wen friends tell u things because it does 1 of 2 things - it helps in letting go and most importantly, it helps stop u from blaming ureself for the demise of the relationship.

Edited June 20, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Spartakooty]

You've been with the same person since you were 18. Seriously, you both need to move on, try other people, and learn what it is you really need. 18 then getting married thinking you have it all locked up? Not in your life. Sorry to sound like an old man!