How to move forward...

[wmacbride]

Wmac, thank you for your words. I feel so undeserving of them and I'm not sure how you can express those sentiments as a bs. It has been sobering writing my life out for the world to see but I guess I just needed to do something different, not to continue to be stuck where I was. I am learning that it is a marathon and I feel like I'm just starting. Because I'm writing on a public forum I feel my need to please others coming up. I judge myself thinking that others will think I'm not moving fast enough, I'm not making the right decisions, and on and on... I know I still have a mountain to work through. So thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

 

All you can do is do the best you can and keep plowing ahead.

 

You are another one of the ws who gives me so much hope. You are on here, facing your demons,and from what you say, it's not easy for you. I always admire people who can engage in this type of introspection. You are a very brave person.

[lavenderblue]

did your AP ever try and make contact again bigbluesky?

[BigBlueSky]

did your AP ever try and make contact again bigbluesky?

 

Yes. We have been going in circles for the past three years. I haven't posted on this thread for a bit, but he's made contact again. It's been hard. I tried to end last time. We always end on an amicable note, trying to do the right thing. The past few times we've ended it, he has always come back. And it is hard for me not to engage in conversation. I know I can't see him anymore.

 

Lavender, I've been following your thread and I know you're going through such a hard time. If you have the will to do it, cut him off for good now. Start gaining a sense of control for your life. You don't want to be stuck in the same place years from now. I hate being where I am now. And I hate having to post here again, feeling like I'm on a hamster wheel and not having progressed.

[DKT3]

If you can't, or won't ( because you can but don't want to) stop communicating with MM you should really start thinking about confession or exiting the Marriage. To be better you have to be better. You keep doing the same thing.

[BigBlueSky]

DKT3, you're right. I don't know why I always think that when I say it's the end, that it will be because every single time we've ended up in the same place.

 

We're in LC right now and it sucks. I've never had it in me to tell him off, to be extremely firm in our break ups. He hasn't been firm either.

 

I hate this.

[lavenderblue]

Yes. We have been going in circles for the past three years. I haven't posted on this thread for a bit, but he's made contact again. It's been hard. I tried to end last time. We always end on an amicable note, trying to do the right thing. The past few times we've ended it, he has always come back. And it is hard for me not to engage in conversation. I know I can't see him anymore.

 

Lavender, I've been following your thread and I know you're going through such a hard time. If you have the will to do it, cut him off for good now. Start gaining a sense of control for your life. You don't want to be stuck in the same place years from now. I hate being where I am now. And I hate having to post here again, feeling like I'm on a hamster wheel and not having progressed.

 

thanks BBS... i am sorry you are still stuck in a rut....of everyone on here i identify most with you and i hope it will all work out for you in the way you want it to.

i guess i am fortunate...my ex-MM does not ever attempt to contact me..he never has in the 5 years i have known him...everytime i broke it off..he never came to me..i always went back to him. He also told me that he was only there whilst i was in a relationship with my long term bf who i had (in hindsight) fallen out of love with 5 years ago but stuck with in the hope that we could make it work. i guess if MM hadn't been on the scene, i'd probably have broken up with bf 5 years ago...now that i have finally broken up with my bf, ex-MM seems to have honoured his side of the deal..he has disappeared (even though i haven't blocked him and i even said id still like to be friends) and i know he will never come back...

[whichwayisup]

DKT3, you're right. I don't know why I always think that when I say it's the end, that it will be because every single time we've ended up in the same place.

 

We're in LC right now and it sucks. I've never had it in me to tell him off, to be extremely firm in our break ups. He hasn't been firm either.

 

I hate this.

 

But you don't hate it enough (aka hit your rock bottom) to stand up and put him in his place and finally ending it. Blocking him and making it absolutely impossible for him to contact you. This will go on and on and on and on for however long you allow it to be like this. You do have it in you (courage, strength and power) to end it but you're letting fear of the unknown and fear of never having him in your life, fear of actually letting go and really grieving the loss get in the way of knowing what you need to do.

[malvern99]

DKT3, you're right. I don't know why I always think that when I say it's the end, that it will be because every single time we've ended up in the same place.

 

We're in LC right now and it sucks. I've never had it in me to tell him off, to be extremely firm in our break ups. He hasn't been firm either.

 

I hate this.

 

Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. In order for the outcome to be different, the inputs also have to be different. Like I asked before, what are you doing differently this go around to change the outcome of your previous efforts to end the A? If the answer is nothing, then I guarantee you the cycle will play itself out all over again. Good luck.

[BigBlueSky]

thanks BBS... i am sorry you are still stuck in a rut....of everyone on here i identify most with you and i hope it will all work out for you in the way you want it to.

i guess i am fortunate...my ex-MM does not ever attempt to contact me..he never has in the 5 years i have known him...everytime i broke it off..he never came to me..i always went back to him. He also told me that he was only there whilst i was in a relationship with my long term bf who i had (in hindsight) fallen out of love with 5 years ago but stuck with in the hope that we could make it work. i guess if MM hadn't been on the scene, i'd probably have broken up with bf 5 years ago...now that i have finally broken up with my bf, ex-MM seems to have honoured his side of the deal..he has disappeared (even though i haven't blocked him and i even said id still like to be friends) and i know he will never come back...

 

I would consider you fortunate too. We've both said that it would be so much easier if one of us would tell the other off and ask not to be contacted. Our breakups have been more an agreement in our understanding that we can't talk to each other anymore and that we need to work on ourselves. Because affairs are such an unhealthy dynamic, you may not realize it now, but your MM did you a favor by cutting you out. I hope that you find healing and that you can start to see glimpses of a future without him.

[BigBlueSky]

But you don't hate it enough (aka hit your rock bottom) to stand up and put him in his place and finally ending it. Blocking him and making it absolutely impossible for him to contact you. This will go on and on and on and on for however long you allow it to be like this. You do have it in you (courage, strength and power) to end it but you're letting fear of the unknown and fear of never having him in your life, fear of actually letting go and really grieving the loss get in the way of knowing what you need to do.

 

I want to be strong enough... I know I'll be ok without him. I've done it before. But you're right, I'm scared of the unknown and what life would be like without him.

 

Blocking him.... I don't know if that would be enough. It hasn't stuck. I think I'd have to get rid of my number and email addresses that I've had for years. Not saying it's impossible but it's hard.

[BigBlueSky]

Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. In order for the outcome to be different, the inputs also have to be different. Like I asked before, what are you doing differently this go around to change the outcome of your previous efforts to end the A? If the answer is nothing, then I guarantee you the cycle will play itself out all over again. Good luck.

 

I know it's insanity. And I know you'd asked me about this and I honestly didn't give it too much thought. I was truly believing it was over, and I was starting to process through things and work on the things that I was struggling with. For a couple of weeks I started to experience glimpses of feeling ok although it was hard. But I wasn't careful in my blocking and find myself here again.

 

I almost thing rock bottom will need to be all of this coming out into the open. Or at the very least, we both need to decide to change our numbers and emails and all of that and get rid of the old ones.

[lavenderblue]

I would consider you fortunate too. We've both said that it would be so much easier if one of us would tell the other off and ask not to be contacted. Our breakups have been more an agreement in our understanding that we can't talk to each other anymore and that we need to work on ourselves. Because affairs are such an unhealthy dynamic, you may not realize it now, but your MM did you a favor by cutting you out. I hope that you find healing and that you can start to see glimpses of a future without him.

 

could i ask you how old you are? My problem is I am almost 34 and i am scared of dating again...the availability of compatible guys with no additional baggage who'd be keen to get settled with a 34 year old seems so limited:-(

 

Plus i worry that having experienced an affair with a MM both as a wayward spouse and an other woman (after i broke up with my BF), i'd struggle to find the same excitement in a normal relationship. I know people have said that i need to heal first...but my biological clock is ticking :-(

[Birdies]

I know it's insanity. And I know you'd asked me about this and I honestly didn't give it too much thought. I was truly believing it was over, and I was starting to process through things and work on the things that I was struggling with. For a couple of weeks I started to experience glimpses of feeling ok although it was hard. But I wasn't careful in my blocking and find myself here again.

 

I almost thing rock bottom will need to be all of this coming out into the open. Or at the very least, we both need to decide to change our numbers and emails and all of that and get rid of the old ones.

 

Rock bottom will be one or both of your spouses finding out, and you completely devastating them and your kids, and having your reputation tarnished far and wide. Having been there done that (no kids though thank god), I would advise you to dig deep and do the deed before you hit rock bottom and it's forced upon you in such a terrible situation. It really really really sucks. You may think you won't get caught, but so does everyone else up to the second before theyre caught.

[BigBlueSky]

could i ask you how old you are? My problem is I am almost 34 and i am scared of dating again...the availability of compatible guys with no additional baggage who'd be keen to get settled with a 34 year old seems so limited:-(

 

Plus i worry that having experienced an affair with a MM both as a wayward spouse and an other woman (after i broke up with my BF), i'd struggle to find the same excitement in a normal relationship. I know people have said that i need to heal first...but my biological clock is ticking :-(

 

I'm almost 40. I think that most people come with baggage. You and I definitely have our fair share. That's why I think it's important for us to figure out how to sort it through now, otherwise it'll cause problems in any relationships now or in the future.

 

I totally understand how you would have trouble comparing your relationships with any you'll have in the future due to the excitement. But honestly from what I've read in your posts, although there were some good times, there were more problems and angst. I think for myself, I'm almost all done with the excitement. I feel more anxiety over now than anything.

 

I think you should give yourself some time to heal. You could say to yourself that you will be single for six months to try to work on yourself. Otherwise you'll be bringing the same baggage into the next relationship which will be a disaster again.

[BigBlueSky]

Rock bottom will be one or both of your spouses finding out, and you completely devastating them and your kids, and having your reputation tarnished far and wide. Having been there done that (no kids though thank god), I would advise you to dig deep and do the deed before you hit rock bottom and it's forced upon you in such a terrible situation. It really really really sucks. You may think you won't get caught, but so does everyone else up to the second before theyre caught.

 

Thanks for this. At this point I almost want to get caught or tell my husband. Maybe it's the only way to end it once and for all.

[DKT3]

Thanks for this. At this point I almost want to get caught or tell my husband. Maybe it's the only way to end it once and for all.

 

I don't think it will, your husband finding out won't change anything as far as you and mm, because I don't think you love your husband. I believe it will give your husband a choice, it will give him information and tell him who he is really married to. If he stays it will be because he wants to and not because he doesn't realize the woman he thinks is his teammate is actually playing for another team.

[Birdies]

Thanks for this. At this point I almost want to get caught or tell my husband. Maybe it's the only way to end it once and for all.

 

It sounds like you should seriously consider telling your husband. It is immensely preferable to him finding out when you're busted. And really, he deserves to know the truth.... good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[BreakingWave]

BBS -

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. [bigBlueSky] I've never been married and can't imagine what you're dealing with, though I think it's probably good that you're considering telling your H. Only you know him and can anticipate his reaction. I do tend to think there is something to honesty and letting him decide what *he* wants now, too. There's obviously something there between you and AP. Has he also considered coming clean?

 

 

BW

[BigBlueSky]

It sounds like you should seriously consider telling your husband. It is immensely preferable to him finding out when you're busted. And really, he deserves to know the truth.... good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Thanks.... It's something I'm considering. And I understand that he deserves to know so that he can make informed decisions about his life.

[BigBlueSky]

BBS -

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. [bigBlueSky] I've never been married and can't imagine what you're dealing with, though I think it's probably good that you're considering telling your H. Only you know him and can anticipate his reaction. I do tend to think there is something to honesty and letting him decide what *he* wants now, too. There's obviously something there between you and AP. Has he also considered coming clean?

 

 

BW

 

Thanks for the support, BW. I do agree that there is something about living honestly and authentically. I do have guesses as to how my husband would react, but who really knows until it's done. I know that he deserves to know what's been going on and who he is married to. I tried to tell him very early on before anything really started but I chickened out. But it would have been a much easier conversation years ago than it would be today given what it's grown into.

 

My AP has considered telling his wife for his own reasons. He hasn't done it for similar reasons why I haven't yet, mainly that it would blow up his family and he knows it would blow mine up too. When it comes to light, what we've done will hurt so many people. And obviously that scares us. Selfish I know.

[Birdies]

Thanks.... It's something I'm considering. And I understand that he deserves to know so that he can make informed decisions about his life.

 

even trying to thingk about doing it is an impressive thing. I never did...I just couldn't fathom hurting my husband like that and I was terrified of what would happen. Him finding out was *not* an option. Then, of course, he did, and it was even uglier than it could have been because it was so abrupt and salacious. I wish now that I had had the guts to just be honest with him. I realize I had already hurt him by having the affair, and trying to control the outcome from it was pointless. Just my two cents...good luck.

[ztmymmy]

But it would have been a much easier conversation years ago than it would be today given what it's grown into.

 

Wasn't it mostly/entirely an EA?You know your husband best but some men will find it easier to forgive than a full on PA.

 

The longer it goes on the harder it will be though.

[BigBlueSky]

even trying to thingk about doing it is an impressive thing. I never did...I just couldn't fathom hurting my husband like that and I was terrified of what would happen. Him finding out was *not* an option. Then, of course, he did, and it was even uglier than it could have been because it was so abrupt and salacious. I wish now that I had had the guts to just be honest with him. I realize I had already hurt him by having the affair, and trying to control the outcome from it was pointless. Just my two cents...good luck.

 

I'm not sure if you've posted your story, but how did your husband find out? I think that I haven't said anything up till now because like you, I don't want to hurt him... I know I already have but he just doesn't know it yet. I was hoping I could handle it myself, that I could cut off contact and pretend it never happened, but I'm not proving to be successful at that.

[BigBlueSky]

Wasn't it mostly/entirely an EA?You know your husband best but some men will find it easier to forgive than a full on PA.

 

The longer it goes on the harder it will be though.

 

It's an EA and PA without sex. Part of the difficulty in trying to figure out how to explain to my husband is what it was/is exactly. If I were to write a timeline, I don't know how much I could fill in. It wasn't a "typical" affair. We have gone weeks without talking to each other. When we tried to break it off it could have been a few months in between. We didn't often sneak away to spend time together. Our lives are just so busy to spend a good amount with one another. We both spend a lot of time with our families. And we tried to limit our time together because we knew it was wrong. I even took on more hours at work to make sure that my idle time alone was kept to a minimum so we would have less opportunity to see each other.

 

I haven't really shared too much of the nature of our relationship up until now. I didn't know if there was a point to it since it's wrong regardless. We've both tried to be controlled about it and our consciousness tells us it's wrong. Anyway, maybe now that I've shared this others can give me some insight and perspective....

[deadsoul]

I remember so well being in your position and I never want to be there again. I consider myself lucky that my AP ghosted me because I probably would still be in your shoes. And if I hadn't confessed, I'd still be in your shoes.

 

I've hurt a lot of people with my actions. My kids know. Family members know. Some friends know. You find out who your true friends are, that's for sure. I've found out I have some true friends and some not.

 

Despite all that, I feel free of it because I'm living authentically without lies anymore. It's a hard step to take...

 

If you and MM are meant to be together, it's time to come clean and see if what you have will work out. But you've read a majority of threads here, I'm sure, and you know now what happens when the fog clears. But you obviously can't keep living the way you are.

 

Make a choice and follow through. Your previous choices are not working. I'm not going to lie, at the end of the day, I may end up divorced. I will hate that if I do, but I know that's one of the many consequences for my actions.

 

We teach our children that if they make mistakes (well, mine was not a mistake, more of a series of extremely bad choices), to own them and take responsibility for them. I did not want to be a hypocrite anymore and owning what I did was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm free now. And I'm working on all the things I should've done before I started the A.

Edited July 14, 2017 by deadsoul