Why we cheat.

[Redhead14]

It's not about the "why we cheat", it's about why a person can't end the existing relationship if it's so unsatisfying/dysfunctional, etc. before we opt to get involved with someone else. That is the crux of the issue, always. Just do the right thing and then move forward.

 

"I can't leave the partner because . . . of money, the kids, the whatevers" doesn't cut it. Commitment isn't just about promising to stay with a partner through good and bad times, etc., it's also about being committed to ethics and the letter of the spirit of commitment and being committed to complete transparency between the parties even if it's about ending that commitment.

[RecentChange]

It's not about the "why we cheat", it's about why a person can't end the existing relationship if it's so unsatisfying/dysfunctional, etc. before we opt to get involved with someone else. That is the crux of the issue, always. Just do the right thing and then move forward.

 

The thing is, there are many cheaters who do not find their relationship unsatisfying / dysfunctional.

 

They just want something else, or something more.

 

Some live a double life, others are able to negotiate a different type of relationship that doesn't fall within the realm of traditional monogamy.

[Southern Sun]

It's not about the "why we cheat", it's about why a person can't end the existing relationship if it's so unsatisfying/dysfunctional, etc. before we opt to get involved with someone else. That is the crux of the issue, always. Just do the right thing and then move forward.

 

"I can't leave the partner because . . . of money, the kids, the whatevers" doesn't cut it. Commitment isn't just about promising to stay with a partner through good and bad times, etc., it's also about being committed to ethics and the letter of the spirit of commitment and being committed to complete transparency between the parties even if it's about ending that commitment.

 

Fantastic point. I think in general, people are no longer raised to believe that we have to choose. We have an issue with entitlement. We believe that we can have it both ways or walk the line. People come up with a variety of justifications for this: no one will know; my marriage is hard; my life is hard; I just want some fun; my sex life is boring; I just want to feel something; my husband/wife doesn't pay attention to me...(you get the idea).

 

We believe we deserve more than we have. We want more than we have and think if nobody finds out, nobody gets hurt. And even if they DO find out, we think we can probably talk our way out of it. And hey...if we can't talk our way out, we think we'll be able to move on. We don't value what we have...we only value what we want.

 

We live in an upside down world. We try to have it all and will walk away with nothing...eventually.

[knabe]

knabe #95

 

 

 

(My italics)

 

Really?

 

You really think societal constraints cause cheating?

 

There is a power dynamic inherent in infidelity. The cheater wants all the advantages of a committed partner, and also the excitement of messing around on the side. The secrecy is about gaining advantage for them.

 

If they said "So, how about you commit all your resources to this relationship and I’ll just pretend to do the same" just how far would they get with that one?.

 

Cheaters don’t want a level playing field, because it’s about control and entitlement. Cheaters give themselves permission to cheat, because they deem themselves more deserving than the silly people who play by the rules. (Rules the cheater signed up to, BTW )

 

I'm not at all surprised at your reaction, even though that was in no way what I said or meant. Of course.

 

I think most people who dheat (except the serials or socipaths) do not wake up and say, "Hmmm.....what do I want to do today....work out? Nah. Clean the house? Gross. Go see a mopvie? Too expensive. Hey! I want to cheat. I want to become an immoral jerk who betrays my promises to the person I'm supposed to love. That sounds like fun!"

 

I think cheaters fool themselves into thinking it's their only choice to fix X, whether ex is their own issues, their own pride, or a spouse who withholds sex and affection and won't change no matter how much they talk about it. They rationalize - either immediately or over time, that "getting this secretly" is somehow better or less destructive than ending their marriage and breaking up the family.

 

It's a lie, of course. And an affair never fixes anything. It destroys. It's like saying, "I really hate the wallpaer in this bedroom and how the toilet always overflows. I think I'll set my house on fire and see if that helps."

 

But most people don't choose cheating as their first option to deal with their unhappiness. They just aren't brave or honest enough to choose a BETTER option.

 

But yeah, go ahead and over-simplify what I said in one sentence if it's more comfortable.

 

My entire post above is about why people cheat.

[Overtaxed]

The thing is, there are many cheaters who do not find their relationship unsatisfying / dysfunctional.

 

They just want something else, or something more.

 

Some live a double life, others are able to negotiate a different type of relationship that doesn't fall within the realm of traditional monogamy.

 

I'd say this is the case in the majority of the cheaters that I know personally who aren't my W (all men). They aren't looking for a new W. They love their existing one, it's obvious by the way they talk about her. They bemoan the lack of something (almost always sex) in their relationship and they cheat to get it. Simple as that. It's not even "someone else" that I think they want, it's just they want to have "mooorreee". I don't know a single male cheater (and I know quite a few) who complains about their terrible relationship, or down talks the wife, or really "wants out" but can't/won't do it. That's not what they want, their motivations are "add to" not replace (I've said this twice in different threads today, sounding like a broken record). The are adding sex. They are adding excitement. They are adding ego kibbles. But they never intend to remove their "primary source" of these things (the W), they just want more of it.

 

My wife's A was an exit A. She was looking to replace, and that seems to be very common in women. But, in men, I think it's rare, if a man is "done" with a marriage, he's going to file, no need for a new woman to push him along. It's just a very different dynamic, or at least appears to be.

[Overtaxed]

Overtaxed,

To go back to your original post about why people cheat;

 

Firstly I take all these statistics with a pinch of salt and secondly I wonder at the motivation for such a study?

 

If the idea is to find out why people cheat in order to stop them doing it, that's pants.

 

People cheat because they want to cheat. End of.

 

In the samples I quoted (I know it was a very small sample) only one could give a reason why they cheated. The others didn't really know.

 

This is of course, true, but it's also not terribly insightful for determining the real answer to the question. Yes, of course, they did want to cheat. But, if you take it a level further, WHY did they want to cheat. What about them did it, what did they expect to get from it, why do they think an A is the "right answer" to whatever it is that they need? At some point, there really is a why. "I wanted to have more sex" is a why. "I wanted sex with someone else" is a why. "I wanted someone to pay attention to me" is also a why, but that then leads to "I wanted someone to pay attention to me even if it was only because I'd sleep with them" and then into a circle of more why's (where I am).

 

But, end of the day, there really is a why for everyone. I know what my "why" would be, and I suspect most men on here would have the same one (more sex or sex with a new person). But for those who's why's really aren't that? I have no idea what their "why" is.

[RecentChange]

d say this is the case in the majority of the cheaters that I know personally who aren't my W (all men). They aren't looking for a new W. They love their existing one, it's obvious by the way they talk about her. [/Quote]

 

 

Yep, out of the cheating men I know, all have never said a word against their wives. I have heard "she doesn't deserve it". No intention of leaving, no complaining about being stuck.

 

Really, simply cake eaters. It's selfish yes, but it's not about some inability to leave a relationship they want to leave, or some sort of replacement.

 

(and the same was true for me - once again I guess I am a "big foot")

Edited June 22, 2017 by RecentChange

[Chica80]

I'm not at all surprised at your reaction, even though that was in no way what I said or meant. Of course.

 

I think most people who dheat (except the serials or socipaths) do not wake up and say, "Hmmm.....what do I want to do today....work out? Nah. Clean the house? Gross. Go see a mopvie? Too expensive. Hey! I want to cheat. I want to become an immoral jerk who betrays my promises to the person I'm supposed to love. That sounds like fun!"

 

I think cheaters fool themselves into thinking it's their only choice to fix X, whether ex is their own issues, their own pride, or a spouse who withholds sex and affection and won't change no matter how much they talk about it. They rationalize - either immediately or over time, that "getting this secretly" is somehow better or less destructive than ending their marriage and breaking up the family.

 

It's a lie, of course. And an affair never fixes anything. It destroys. It's like saying, "I really hate the wallpaer in this bedroom and how the toilet always overflows. I think I'll set my house on fire and see if that helps."

 

But most people don't choose cheating as their first option to deal with their unhappiness. They just aren't brave or honest enough to choose a BETTER option.

 

But yeah, go ahead and over-simplify what I said in one sentence if it's more comfortable.

 

My entire post above is about why people cheat.

 

Yup!!!!! It's crazy thinking but somehow breaking "up the marraige" divorcing, especially when you have children seems more "devastating"

 

When you have a spouse who's told you they will change when you've done counseling when everyone around you is married and has childen and this is your life to be the "outlier" ya, an A seems like a temporary bandaid.

[Southern Sun]

I'd say this is the case in the majority of the cheaters that I know personally who aren't my W (all men). They aren't looking for a new W. They love their existing one, it's obvious by the way they talk about her. They bemoan the lack of something (almost always sex) in their relationship and they cheat to get it. Simple as that. It's not even "someone else" that I think they want, it's just they want to have "mooorreee". I don't know a single male cheater (and I know quite a few) who complains about their terrible relationship, or down talks the wife, or really "wants out" but can't/won't do it. That's not what they want, their motivations are "add to" not replace (I've said this twice in different threads today, sounding like a broken record). The are adding sex. They are adding excitement. They are adding ego kibbles. But they never intend to remove their "primary source" of these things (the W), they just want more of it.

 

My wife's A was an exit A. She was looking to replace, and that seems to be very common in women. But, in men, I think it's rare, if a man is "done" with a marriage, he's going to file, no need for a new woman to push him along. It's just a very different dynamic, or at least appears to be.

 

My xMM had an OW before I entered the picture. He told me lots of stuff. Stuff that sometimes I can't believe I heard and then still had an affair with him. But that's for another post.

 

His affair with her was primarily for sex. His intention was to stay married, as he desired the stability of it for his kids. It was an "I want both" situation. He needed/wanted his marriage institution for financial/religious/familial reasons, but did not desire his wife sexually. He and his wife were not particularly compatible. He found sex elsewhere and from what I understand, once that became fairly regular, his sexual relationship with his wife stopped. I believe he got sex, maybe some excitement, and acceptance from that R.

 

He and I had a long-term relationship, totally unrelated to the affair. Things evolved and he suddenly saw me in a new light. I guess the same happened for me, at the same time. I do think he "fell" for me, as much as I did for him. Sure, he wanted sex! Have no doubt. But he was pretty obsessed with me too. Call it lust or infatuation, but there were strong feelings. He says he fell in love. Our relationship is what forced him to evaluate whether he wanted to stay married. He is divorcing, so this is not a case of a MM trying to keep an AP and his wife too. He is finally making the choice (though after years of cheating).

 

Now maybe he is ultimately doing all of this for sex! lol. He has told me he just wants to be happy.

 

I really do still think my motivations were that I thought I was in love; I thought it meant something; I even thought for a time that I was divorcing and would be with him down the road. After the beginning, I was never really okay with just staying in an affair forever, living in limbo, trying to have it both ways. I always felt pushed to choose...whether it was end it and reconcile or divorce.

[Redhead14]

The thing is, there are many cheaters who do not find their relationship unsatisfying / dysfunctional.

 

They just want something else, or something more.

 

Some live a double life, others are able to negotiate a different type of relationship that doesn't fall within the realm of traditional monogamy.

 

They just want something else, or something more. -- This is a distinction without a difference. Something is lacking the relationship PERIOD.

 

others are able to negotiate a different type of relationship that doesn't fall within the realm of traditional monogamy -- All this means is that they are able to manipulate the current partner because he or she is so desperate and insecure about functioning as an independent person after X number of years and so they acquiesce.

 

If they want something else or something more, they should still leave the partner and keep them as an FWB or some such arrangement . . .

 

There is no point in being married if no one accepts the meaning of commitment. Why bother? Except for blatant physical and emotional abuse, there is very little to excuse divorcing. IMO.

 

If you marry, you've committed to monogamy! The real problem is that Commitment is just a word more and more . . . not someone's WORD.

[wmacbride]

I agree with both you and the quoted price to a degree. Maybe I'm niave but I don't think that most cheaters even think about the pain and damage, I believe that if they knew they wouldn't do it. Most...now some don't give a flip about anything outside of thier own personal happiness. What they want is always more important than what's best for the partner and family, see alot of that here.

 

Some simply should never be in committed relationships, also see alot of that here. I think many just love falling in love, and no matter the state of the relationship they will always seek out the new experience. Seen a few here.

 

This is an awesome thread with a lot of good/great comments and thoughts, however alot is dressing up a pig, cheater cheat because they are selfish and entitled, they believe they should and can do whatever makes them happy no matter how it impact anyone including Thier own kids. Like another poster said because they want too, and what they want will always be more important

 

Sorry, but I don't buy into this one bit. Ho could someone not know how hurtful it would be? You'd have to have zero empathy, or be purposely convincing yourself that no one will be hurt.

 

I think the truth is more like, at that point time, they simply don't care, as their own wants are more important.

[RecentChange]

They just want something else, or something more. -- This is a distinction without a difference. Something is lacking the relationship PERIOD.

 

.

 

Hahaha it's called "strange" and it simply can't exist in a monogamous relationship.

 

Look, there are more swingers, and alternative relationship people out there than many realize.

 

It is often kept secret for good reason - many who do not share the same views will chastise them.

[Overtaxed]

They just want something else, or something more. -- This is a distinction without a difference. Something is lacking the relationship PERIOD.

 

others are able to negotiate a different type of relationship that doesn't fall within the realm of traditional monogamy -- All this means is that they are able to manipulate the current partner because he or she is so desperate and insecure about functioning as an independent person after X number of years and so they acquiesce.

 

If they want something else or something more, they should still leave the partner and keep them as an FWB or some such arrangement . . .

 

There is no point in being married if no one accepts the meaning of commitment. Why bother? Except for blatant physical and emotional abuse, there is very little to excuse divorcing. IMO.

 

If you marry, you've committed to monogamy! The real problem is that Commitment is just a word more and more . . . not someone's WORD.

 

I disagree with this as a general statement. There might not be something missing in the relationship, at least not something that any one person can provide. If you're in a relationship with a person who really needs to have multiple partners, then, no matter how "in love" that person is with you, they are still going to have that need. It's not the relationship that's causing it, it's the person's desires/needs/expectations. There are really people out there, and, I think a lot of people would be shocked to know the numbers, who simply want to have sex with someone new. Not because their primary relationship sucks. Not because they want to start a new relationship with someone else. Not because they don't love their spouse. They just have a drive for more sex than the other person, or, in some cases, just more sex with different people. This is, IMHO, the vast majority of male A's; it's not that their primary relationship sucks (although, often it sucks sexually; everything else is good though), it's just that they want to have sex with more people.

 

Before someone call me apologist, I'm a BS and a man, and don't condone any of this or minimize the pain that anyone feels when a man does this. That's not it at all, but the male drive for "new" is real, and it explains a TON of these threads on here from WWs or female APs. Why would he do XYZ if he didn't love me? Because you simply don't realize how strong the sex drive is in some people, they will lie, they will cheat, they will deceive those closest to them, they will do anything it takes to have more sex or sex with different people. Until you realize and understand that, the actions of many of these AP's won't make sense. When you do, it all becomes crystal clear.

[knabe]

I always wonder if that thinking basically paints men as poor helpless oafs who are just vitcimts of evolution and biology and must have what they must have.

 

It reminds me a lot of some of the super strict teaching I had growing up where the woman is told to be "modest" so as not to "make" the poor weak man lust. I'm not trying to be snarky, just honest.

 

I have a high drive. My partner and I have sex several times a day. I do not have a penis, but I DO know what it is to NEED more sex (in my previous marriage there was NO sex the last couple of years and sex only a handful - less than 5 - of times a year prior to that).

 

But this idea that men "can't help it because biology" and women can't know how big sex is because "we're not men" seems bothersome to me. And it also seems to perpetuate what pervades forums - the overall implication that a WH can be forgiven, but a WW needs to be "kept in her place" forever. I mean just read internet threads and read comments, especially comments from men.

[DKT3]

Fantastic point. I think in general, people are no longer raised to believe that we have to choose. We have an issue with entitlement. We believe that we can have it both ways or walk the line. People come up with a variety of justifications for this: no one will know; my marriage is hard; my life is hard; I just want some fun; my sex life is boring; I just want to feel something; my husband/wife doesn't pay attention to me...(you get the idea).

 

We believe we deserve more than we have. We want more than we have and think if nobody finds out, nobody gets hurt. And even if they DO find out, we think we can probably talk our way out of it. And hey...if we can't talk our way out, we think we'll be able to move on. We don't value what we have...we only value what we want.

 

We live in an upside down world. We try to have it all and will walk away with nothing...eventually.

 

My wife made a comment to me that is almost this word for word. Said when it started she was thinking she was done with me and the marriage...then it was I would never find out, than I would accept it if I caught her and wouldn't leave. She convinced herself that because I chose to travel after she voiced her concerns I didn't care about her.

 

Which leads me to the next point. I'm sorry but I forgot who posted it about WS communicating the issues....my wife voiced concern, told me she felt alone like a single mother. She never told me she felt unloved like a secondary part of my life. That would have changed everything, I would have walked away from the job that day if she had. It was her responsibility to convey her feelings, I've never been good at reading tea leaves.

[Overtaxed]

I always wonder if that thinking basically paints men as poor helpless oafs who are just vitcimts of evolution and biology and must have what they must have.

 

It reminds me a lot of some of the super strict teaching I had growing up where the woman is told to be "modest" so as not to "make" the poor weak man lust. I'm not trying to be snarky, just honest.

 

I have a high drive. My partner and I have sex several times a day. I do not have a penis, but I DO know what it is to NEED more sex (in my previous marriage there was NO sex the last couple of years and sex only a handful - less than 5 - of times a year prior to that).

 

But this idea that men "can't help it because biology" and women can't know how big sex is because "we're not men" seems bothersome to me. And it also seems to perpetuate what pervades forums - the overall implication that a WH can be forgiven, but a WW needs to be "kept in her place" forever. I mean just read internet threads and read comments, especially comments from men.

 

I hope that you're not getting that from me, because, that's not at all how I feel. What I'm trying to say, men who engage in A's are often just weak men looking for more sex. Do they "have to do it"? Absolutely not. I'm crazy high drive, I said in a thread a while ago that my preferred frequency of sex would probably be 14-21 times a week with my wife. It's always on my mind, even if it's in the back, it's still there. I never cheated on my W, even though she's much lower drive than me (and in a relationship, the LD spouse really sets the frequency more than the HD spouse).

 

But, if I did cheat? I can tell you, without much question, it would be to have more/different sex. I know myself, and I know that I have 0 interest in getting emotionally close to another woman. 0. And a lot of MM are like this, we have all our emotional needs filled by the woman in our lives and latent sexual "needs" that go unfilled. So we have A's to fill them. And it works, you wanted to have kinky sex, you found an AP, and you had kinky sex. Problem solved.

 

Many women, however, often cheat to get emotional needs met. They need someone to love them. They want someone to care deeply about them. They want to replace their H with someone who "get's them" better. Thing is, and the entire point of my post, is that it's very rare that they actually get what they wanted from the A. Sure, the AP says they care. But how many "wife found out, he ghosted me" threads do we all have to read before we realize that's not really usually how he felt? The emotional needs are filled, but they are filled with cotton candy. It's empty, it's meaningless, and it's a standard script; say anything to have sex. And people who fall into this, when the A blows up, look around at the rubble and think "What did I do", because, end of the day, they weren't getting "real" emotions (cotton candy), and they didn't really even want to physical part of the relationship. It was all for a few kind words that had no meaning behind them, no actions, no follow through (except, of course, when those actions/follow through lead to sex; then most male AP's are absolutely on their game!).

[knabe]

my wife voiced concern, told me she felt alone like a single mother. She never told me she felt unloved like a secondary part of my life. That would have changed everything,

 

I am female, and I know we women and men communicate and understand differently. What is the distinction between these two statements? I am asking directly relevant to the theme of the OP because I wonder if sometimes not communicating what we think we did or not understanding what was communicated could lead to frustration and resentment, which could lead to justification and entitlement, which could lead to the choice to cheat. So if we can stop the train before it leaves the station, then it would short circuit our "why".

[Overtaxed]

My wife made a comment to me that is almost this word for word. Said when it started she was thinking she was done with me and the marriage...then it was I would never find out, than I would accept it if I caught her and wouldn't leave. She convinced herself that because I chose to travel after she voiced her concerns I didn't care about her.

 

Which leads me to the next point. I'm sorry but I forgot who posted it about WS communicating the issues....my wife voiced concern, told me she felt alone like a single mother. She never told me she felt unloved like a secondary part of my life. That would have changed everything, I would have walked away from the job that day if she had. It was her responsibility to convey her feelings, I've never been good at reading tea leaves.

 

If my wife had told me "My love language is words of affirmation, I need you to use them", it, to use your words.. Would have changed everything. I spent all my time trying to do things to "show" I cared. What I really needed to do was "say" I cared. Reading tea leaves indeed.

[knabe]

Many women, however, often cheat to get emotional needs met. They need someone to love them. They want someone to care deeply about them. They want to replace their H with someone who "get's them" better. Thing is, and the entire point of my post, is that it's very rare that they actually get what they wanted from the A. Sure, the AP says they care. But how many "wife found out, he ghosted me" threads do we all have to read before we realize that's not really usually how he felt? The emotional needs are filled, but they are filled with cotton candy. It's empty, it's meaningless, and it's a standard script; say anything to have sex. And people who fall into this, when the A blows up, look around at the rubble and think "What did I do", because, end of the day, they weren't getting "real" emotions (cotton candy), and they didn't really even want to physical part of the relationship. It was all for a few kind words that had no meaning behind them, no actions, no follow through (except, of course, when those actions/follow through lead to sex; then most male AP's are absolutely on their game!).

 

I think that regardless of how many deny it, this is a general truth. General meaning not every single woman. But all you have to do is read the OW forums to see that most women DO want to believe their men love them and get them and connect with them deeply. Heck, I think like a man about sex, and even I want that.

 

And as far as reading tea leaves, I think all of us exrpess love the way WE want to be loved. I mean, it works for us and it's all we know. I think the problem becomes when we learn that our spouse wants something different and insist on doing it "our way" anyway because it's easier.

 

If I told my spouse I was lonely or felt alone, I would really believe I had communicated I was feeling abandoned and needed his presence. Perhaps a man wouldn't understand it that way. I observe how my fiance loves others, and it gives me insight into how he wants to be loved. We are lucky in that we coincide almost completely. But we do have a few differences, and I try to see what he gives because it helps me see what he needs.

[Redhead14]

Hahaha it's called "strange" and it simply can't exist in a monogamous relationship.

 

Look, there are more swingers, and alternative relationship people out there than many realize.

 

It is often kept secret for good reason - many who do not share the same views will chastise them.

 

many who do not share the same views will chastise them -- Guess what, that's a very immature reason for not owning what a person does -- that's what 11 year olds do when they do something wrong.

 

And, "chastise"??? They know what they are doing is wrong and they simply want to dodge their responsibility for their behavior. They avoid that because it may tap into their conscience which they have buried deep in their psyche in order to be able to carry on. They don't want anything to interfere with their selfishness.

 

If they truly do feel that they are justified in their cheating -- then why not own it and not be concerned about what others say?

 

Look, there are more swingers, and alternative relationship people out there than many realize. -- If both parties are truly OK with it and doing it because they are OK with and not being subservient or untrue to themselves, etc.--fine. But, just because people are straying from the realm of traditional "commitment", that doesn't mean it's a good thing. It may not be in our lifetimes, but the consequences of roll your own relationship with blurred lines of commitment, may bite society in the ass at some point -- rampant disease, angry, bitter people contaminating the dating pool, etc.

 

It is what it is . . . it's just a sad thing as far as many, many people are concerned. What kind of model does it set for the future and for the children of our time?

 

Oh well . . .

[RecentChange]

I meant chastise alternative relationships. Just like you did in your post.

 

If you study archeology, sociology and world history, you would see that life long monogamy has not always been the norm.

[somanymistakes]

If both parties are truly OK with it and doing it because they are OK with and not being subservient or untrue to themselves, etc.--fine. But, just because people are straying from the realm of traditional "commitment", that doesn't mean it's a good thing. It may not be in our lifetimes, but the consequences of roll your own relationship with blurred lines of commitment, may bite society in the ass at some point -- rampant disease, angry, bitter people contaminating the dating pool, etc.

 

The consequences of 'traditional' (ie sexist) attitudes already bit society in the ass and had all kinds of consequences. Every social movement produces interesting results further down the road.

 

Modern non-monogamy is much better about disease handling than the 60s and 70s when people got wild new ideas about how everyone should sleep with everyone and then discovered that had consequences. Nowadays people have testing and better protection methods. According to some articles I've read, people in honest non-mongamous relationships are MUCH safer than people who claim to be monogamous but cheat. Cheaters are terrible at thinking through consequences, they think they can get away with anything, and so they don't bother with little things like safe sex because they imagine that problems just can't happen to them! Poly people are more aware of just how connected everyone is and what the risks are to themselves and to everyone around them.

 

As for what it does to kids to be raised in a world where more and more people have far more than two adults in their lives... mom, mom's boyfriend, 'dad' who wasn't bio-dad but raised you until the divorce, actual bio-dad, grandparents who stepped in to take care of you for a few years when things were messed up with your bio parents... I'm really not qualified to say what this does to a child. But that's more about blended families and less about poly.

[Arieswoman]

RC,

If you study archeology, sociology and world history, you would see that life long monogamy has not always been the norm.

 

Well, that could well be true but IMO that's just a "red herring".

 

The fact is that in today's society no-one is forced to sign up for monogamy, as so many alternatives exist.

 

And cheating isn't confined to monogamous relationships, either. In order for cheating to take place there has to be an arrangement/agreement in place to renege on.

 

Now as I understand it, there are still "rules" in non-monogamous relationships, so cheating can still occur.

[elaine567]

Sorry, but I don't buy into this one bit. Ho could someone not know how hurtful it would be? You'd have to have zero empathy, or be purposely convincing yourself that no one will be hurt.

 

I think the truth is more like, at that point time, they simply don't care, as their own wants are more important.

...Or they may be quite happy to hurt their BS as they have built up resentment and feel that the BS deserves anything that is coming to them.

Edited June 22, 2017 by elaine567
typo

[Arieswoman]

elaine,

 

Or they may be quite happy to hurt their BS as they have built up resentment and feel that the BS deserves anything that is coming to them.

 

I'm sure that's true in some circumstances. This indicates to me that the WS has some serious issues with communication, dealing with negative emotions and relationships in general.