Does the OW deserve/expect anything on DDay?

[Onedaysoon]

I am a BS. Had DD over a year ago. Husband told her (in front of me), that they were over, not to contact him again, and that he loved me and wanted to fix our relationship.

Anything I read (pro- staying together) says this is the thing to do. You have to severe all ties with affair parter. But his affair partner still keeps posting things on Facebook and god knows on what else she is posting on. . I try not to look. But it's so weird knowing that someone out there is so obsessed (in love or whatever you want to call it with your husband!)

I know he did this... I didn't know she existed. I can't help blame BOTH of them. He never lied to her about wanting to stay with me..... maybe he did??? But the texts I saw from their last days proves to me that he wasn't fooling her about our marriage. She was trying to figure out ways to deceive me. Anyways, her mists are always about what she felt she expected from him. Did she really deserve anything?

 

I've been here trying to read the OW side. And I have sympathy for so many of your stories!! I just can't find it in my heart to have symathy tfor a woman that has been with my husband for 5 YEARS!! FIVE YEARS!!! That is ridiculous! And heartbreaking. There has been so much that has happened in our "married" lifel! WE HAD A BABY!!! We have a 3 year old. And all of a sudden there is this other person acting like she deserves a "right breakup".

What does the OW deserve if the husband wants to reconcile?

[Life lessons]

Simple----the OW deserves absolutely nothing! She knew he was married and continued the A.

[Chica80]

I'm sorry it's over. I'm sorry I hurt you. That's what I would want to hear.

 

My question is 5 years? How do you forgive that? Not judging just curious? 5yrs......wow!

 

If you have a 3 year old and they were together 5yrs I'm sure there is a whole lot you don't know about. So yes that would be really painful to get over and move on.

[aileD]

She isnt owed anything except to be left alone respectfully (not talked about either).

 

She knew he was married. He doesn't owe her any other explanation than exactly what he already said.

 

The "proper breakup" means she wants to see him and she thinks she can get him to change his mind if only she's could be in front of him and look in his eyes because she thinks he can't say no to her. My husband's OW tried this many times (and succeeded). Don't fall for it. He ended it. She has to move on.

 

This is exactly why all the websites you read tell him to break it off the way he did.

 

That and it shows allegiance to the marriage, which owes no outsiders to the marriage anything.

 

 

I wish you luck. His is not easy to get over.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I am so sorry to read you found your husband did this for five years with a person. That's mind boggling. How are you doing by now?

 

Sorry, am back to the post to edit it because I didn't answer your question. I can't think of anything OW would be owed. I couldn't let my mind go in that direction.

Edited June 19, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[lostgirl87]

She is definitely not owed anything from you, that's for sure.

 

Is she owed anything from your H? That's a tricky one. As his wife though, you're entitled to demand him to never speak to her again.

 

If they were together for 5 years, I am almost positive he wasn't making it clear that he was going to stay in his marriage. As an OW, I feel I should let you know that my relationship lasted over a year and a half and even though we are essentially over (you could say we had 2 DDays), he still loves me and we have talked a little after that. The fact that your H was in a relationship with this woman for 5 years is quite the betrayal. He was essentially living another life.

 

I'm sure that if wives really knew what their husbands were saying to the other woman they'd never forgive him. I'm not telling you this to hurt you or to make you crazy but I do hope that you're not believing his words. He will say what you want to hear.

 

If she's posting stuff about him, is there a possibility that they're still involved somehow? Again, 5 years is hard to get over and especially all at once.

 

I hope you're doing ok! I can't imagine what you've been through

[Arieswoman]

Onedaysoon,

I'm sorry you are going through this, I can't begin to imagine how hurtful it is to have a 3 year-old child with a man who's been cheating for 5 years.

 

Now, and I say this kindly, you're concentrating your energies in the wrong direction. You've made the mistake that many of us BSs do and that's making the OW more important that she actually is.

 

Your focus should be on your husband. You need to discuss with him what he plans to do to make this marriage work for all of you as a family.

 

You can't control what sort of whiny crap she puts on FB or elsewhere. Please stop torturing yourself by looking.

 

I wish you luck x

 

PS The answer to your original question is "No".

[Popsicle]

She is owed absolutely nothing, but it would be nice if the MM said sorry to her.

 

And what kind of OW posts on Facebook about her affair? How stupid. You should really stop looking at that and try to move past it all since you've decided to stay.

[anika99]

First of all you want to really make sure that affair is really over. It wouldn't be the first time a cheating MM has told the OW it's over in front of his wife or sent a no contact letter/email to the OW that the wife has read and approved of, only to later contact the OW on the sly and tell her to just ignore whatever break up message he sent because he only did it to appease his wife.

 

Some affairs end on DDay and some are just taken further underground. It is mind boggling what some cheaters will do to hold onto both the affair and the marriage even after a D Day. After 5 years it's probably not easy for him to just give her up in the blink of an eye. Make sure it's really over.

[somanymistakes]

I am a BS. Had DD over a year ago. Husband told her (in front of me), that they were over, not to contact him again, and that he loved me and wanted to fix our relationship.

 

What does the OW deserve if the husband wants to reconcile?

 

What the OW deserves is exactly what she got - to be told clearly that it's over, that his choice is made, and not to contact him again. That IS a proper breakup.

 

If she were ghosted without a word then she'd have a fair argument that she deserved better. The MM does owe it to the OW to be clear about what's happened and what decision he has made. But he did that. Job done.

 

If she's really attached, of course she'll keep begging and hoping for more. And if your husband weakens and reaches out to her, she'll think she's justified in holding onto the memories of their forbidden love. Seeing her again is not going to help her in any way.

[cocorico]

After a five year intimate relationship, most parties feel the other party owes them a respectful breakup. But few people - in As or any other kind of R - get the kind of breakup they feel they deserve. In most Rs, you'd simply write that off as your x being an arsehole, and you'd go down the pub with your friends to drink and slag the arsehole off. But in an A, or any other "forbidden" R, there is the possibility to ascribe the bad breakup to the interference or constraints of the structural forces that forbid the R - which can include the BS. So the OW/OM assumes (sometimes correctly) that the R was only thwarted because of the interference of the BS, and that the sudden hostile tone of the breakup was due to the BS, and that the WS is feeling like the AP does... sometimes they're correct, othertimes the WS really has had a Damascus experience on DDay, and sometimes the truth lies somewhere between the two.

 

What does the OW expect? Usually what she's been led to expect by the MM during the course of the R. And a 5 year R suggests many expectations fostered.

 

What does the OW deserve? The law to be upheld in how she's treated - which is all anybody deserves, really.

[Onedaysoon]

THank you all for replying.

My husband was hiding more than 1 secret life. We immediately went to marriage counseling and a lot more came out.

Sex addiction, more affairs, it's really bad.

He's in counseling, 12 step groups and has done "everything" that has been asked of him (by his counselor and by me).

I'm also in counseling, a COSA group and go to a 12 step group. I've done EMDR therapy. I think it's helped. But it's just so much.

I know I shouldn't look, and I've gotten better, but sometimes I slip. My sponsor says it's "progress not perfection".

What she posts on fb varies with her mood for that day. The first few months it would go from love to anger to sadness to hatred. Now she posts more about him being a narcissist and sociopath. She has posted his name a couple times throughout this whole time. His profesion. So if anyone reads back this whole year, they can find out who she's talking about.

She's sent me a package with some articles she had kept for him. We've gotten anonymous cards in the mail threatening to expose him and every once in a while a text or email (all anonymous or fake accounts).

I don't think they've gone underground because of how she's acted.

As for how many promises he made her, I agree 5 years is so long.

But this was a BDSM relationship and from emails I read, there were no sweet words said. He called her by an extremely derogatory name and she called herself by that same name.

I don't think he ever told her he was leaving me. I would assume she would have posted it if he had.

But again, what do I know.

I also don't know why I'm still here. I would have been in the "get away from him camp", until it happened to me.

I think part of it is that these secret lives were so hidden, that I was/am in shock that the same person that is with me all the time could be this other person.

I really don't want to be judged on why I'm still here... i judge and question myself enough. I'll leave when I'm ready, unless we can make this work.

 

Again thank you all for answering