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Should you love without expecting anything in return?

CantEversay

By CantEversay
in General Relationship Discussion

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CantEversay Member

CantEversay

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Is the way to love someone to give without expecting in return? I would be all down for that but what happens when you feel like you're not getting "enough"? It feels like maybe you're setting yourself up to being taken advantage of or used in the future because you make it seem like everything is good.

 

Thanks for any advice.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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The only unconditional love you should have is for your children.

 

Yes, when you love someone you should expect love in return if not then why being in a relationship? 2 people can give their love in different ways but at the end of the day it has to balance out.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Nope. I will not be in a relationship with someone if my needs aren't getting met.

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somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

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Is the way to love someone to give without expecting in return? I would be all down for that but what happens when you feel like you're not getting "enough"? It feels like maybe you're setting yourself up to being taken advantage of or used in the future because you make it seem like everything is good.

 

It's not good for you, and it's not good for your partner. If you keep telling them that you don't need anything and everything is good, then even if they don't want to take advantage of you, they won't be able to give you what you need, because they won't know. Even if your partner has the best of intentions, if you only ever tell them that everything's okay, how are they supposed to be good to you? If they love you and trust you and believe what you say?

 

Then as time goes by, you get quietly unhappier. And finally you reveal that you've been unhappy all along, and your partner is left feeling betrayed and guilty and awful.

 

It's not kind or selfless to set your partner up like that! Lying to them that you're okay if you're not is still a betrayal. If it goes on for a long time, it can leave them feeling like the partner they knew and love never existed because it was all a false show you put on for them.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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i do believe you should give love by selflessness..but...in a relationship it should be two people who love each other..or it isnt a loving relationship....that your needs for love are just as important as your partners.....and to have a truly satisfying and long lasting relationship love should be felt by both..not just one...sometimes being a selfless means loving the person when they p#$%^&s you off the most.....and finding compassion for them....and keeping that love alive when you dont like them very much....or what they do...thats giving love when you dont feel it back..loving regardless....love doesnt change with what you get...it changes on what you are willing to give.....or ready to give..so you give it all.......deb

S_A Established Member

S_A

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Love is MEANT to be given away. By definition, when you "give something away," it is done without the expectation of receiving something in return.

 

Nobody holds on to love and keeps it within themselves. The notion of such a thing is not even comprehensible. What you think you are holding on to is not love.

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CantEversay Member

CantEversay

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Thanks everyone for the feedback and advice, I'll make sure to reread everything again.

 

Love is MEANT to be given away. By definition, when you "give something away," it is done without the expectation of receiving something in return.

 

Nobody holds on to love and keeps it within themselves. The notion of such a thing is not even comprehensible. What you think you are holding on to is not love.

 

I'm just having a hard time understanding how I should feel, and to me, this is very, very important for me to figure out. Especially before I make any mistakes that I could regret. I made another thread saying how there's no guide book to life, It's so easy to make mistakes. There's so much I don't know that I thought I knew just based off my own feelings. If it's possible to learn off others' experiences, I need to know.

 

It seems like some people believe love should be more 50/50, both giving and both receiving. If they feel their partner doesn't give them what they need, they'll look for someone else. Some people believe that you should love without expecting in return. It's easy to do that when you have someone that thinks and acts like you. But what if you don't. What if they're the opposite of you. I have to ask myself what If I'm making a mistake in what I believe in. Maybe I can't see this person for who they really are.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Is the way to love someone to give without expecting in return? I would be all down for that but what happens when you feel like you're not getting "enough"?
IMO, give what love one chooses to give freely and without expectation. Of course, have healthy boundaries in the action department. That applies to any human interactions, not just loving ones.
It feels like maybe you're setting yourself up to being taken advantage of or used in the future because you make it seem like everything is good.
It can, sure. However, one decides how they process their emotions so can choose to process 'taken advantage of' differently.

 

I tend to view love as a renewable resource that one, if healthy, never runs out of in life. Sure, certain people can suck it down if we get distracted or miscalculate but again those boundaries kick in and one recovers it and carries on.

 

Thanks for any advice.

 

Sure, been around awhile and had my fair share of being taken advantage of. It is what it is. As I told my best friend last weekend, I feel lucky to still feel the buzz in my balls of sexual desire but am in no way idealistic about what love is. Women aren't sugar and spice and everything nice. ;)

Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

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The only unconditional love you should have is for your children.

 

Yes, when you love someone you should expect love in return if not then why being in a relationship? 2 people can give their love in different ways but at the end of the day it has to balance out.

 

Negative.

 

A person can love conditionally or unconditionally as they please and how they choose (at lease when their brain decided when too). You are confusing a condition know as mother (maternal) love with is unique to women and women only.

 

Here are the brain scans to prove this

 

https://sullydish.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/ucl-neurology-maternal-vs-romantic-love.jpg

 

It is often women who put conditions on love and more often men who love unconditionally as they are brought up and train to do so. It is men who do not see that many women love with condition an often blind sided when they leave a man for "better conditions"

somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

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It is men who do not see that many women love with condition an often blind sided when they leave a man for "better conditions"

 

sweetie look around the forums and you'll find dozens of women who were blindsided by their men leaving them for better conditions

 

people are people and some of them suck, you don't do anyone any favors by trying to make it a war where one gender is evil and the other is pure, nobody wins that way

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Is the way to love someone to give without expecting in return? I would be all down for that but what happens when you feel like you're not getting "enough"? It feels like maybe you're setting yourself up to being taken advantage of or used in the future because you make it seem like everything is good.

 

Thanks for any advice.

 

A person should never give more than they get in return in a "romantic" relationship -- ever.

 

because you make it seem like everything is good.-- If you feel as though you cannot communicate your needs/wishes in a relationship or are purposely pretending that you are happy, you are being untrue to yourself.

 

One-sided relationships are unfulfilling and the partner who is "giving so much of themselves" without mutual exchange, becomes resentful and needy and clingy, etc. It's a very lonely existence and it's not the partner's fault because the offended partner hasn't been communicating or enforcing their boundaries for themselves. Bottom line, if someone isn't participating in a mutual way in a relationship, the one who needs more, moves on and accepts that reality. They don't keep stringing themselves along.

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Chilli Established Member

Chilli

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sweetie look around the forums and you'll find dozens of women who were blindsided by their men leaving them for better conditions

 

people are people and some of them suck, you don't do anyone any favors by trying to make it a war where one gender is evil and the other is pure, nobody wins that way

 

 

 

Yep , well said.

GunslingerRoland Established Member

GunslingerRoland

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Is the way to love someone to give without expecting in return?

 

Yeah it's called parenthood.

 

But in a romantic relationship I couldn't handle that.

Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

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sweetie look around the forums and you'll find dozens of women who were blindsided by their men leaving them for better conditions

 

people are people and some of them suck, you don't do anyone any favors by trying to make it a war where one gender is evil and the other is pure, nobody wins that way

 

 

There is no gender war. No group of anything is pure evil. I never stated that conditional love nor unconditional love was good or bad.

 

But again sweetie look at the forums and note more men are dumped by a huge margin compare to women here and not even on this forum..but others. Men are taught to do everything and anything for a woman and note why the male divorce rate is significantly higher in males.

 

Men always have far more conditions in a man than he has in a woman.

Springsummer Established Member

Springsummer

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No way in hell that could happen. I just love myself more than anyone else, except blooded related people.

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Good point. One can love themselves above all others without affecting their style of loving others, to wit the OP's postulation of loving conditionally or unconditionally.

 

As example, I can love myself and place more importance on my own health and survival than any other human's value, but I can still love others without expecting anything in return. That doesn't mean I love them more than myself, rather I give what love I choose to give freely and without expectation.

 

One sticky wicket is that word, 'love'. It's sticky because each of us defines it uniquely. My definition could be completely different from another persons. Are either or both of our definitions valid? Invalid? Tricky.

 

Lastly, the reading minds thing. We can't. We only know our own thoughts. There's no way to verify the thoughts of another. I could be making all this up and don't care at all and am completely self-absorbed. Bummer ;)

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Negative.

 

A person can love conditionally or unconditionally as they please and how they choose (at lease when their brain decided when too). You are confusing a condition know as mother (maternal) love with is unique to women and women only.

 

Here are the brain scans to prove this

 

https://sullydish.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/ucl-neurology-maternal-vs-romantic-love.jpg

 

It is often women who put conditions on love and more often men who love unconditionally as they are brought up and train to do so. It is men who do not see that many women love with condition an often blind sided when they leave a man for "better conditions"

 

Sweetfish, perhaps I misunderstand you, but you write as if it's a bad thing to love conditionally. My conditions for love revolved around being treated respectfully. Do you really think that this would come as a surprise to many men?

 

Likewise, are you suggesting that many men stay around despite being treated appallingly just because they've been conditioned to do so? I'd like to think that most men are wise enough to leave someone who doesn't treat him well.

 

Also curious about this 'mother love' thing. Are you suggesting that men don't continue to love children who behave badly?

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Unforseen Established Member

Unforseen

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Love unconditionally? Yeah, for a certain degree of unconditional. I take it to mean I should not expect specific rewards or actions as a result of giving my love to my wife without condition. Except for the little matter of reciprocation. If you are giving your love to a SO and not getting any love from him or her than how long can you realistically continue to give so freely without being refueled by their love for you? I would say it's very difficult to nurture and develop love between yourself and another if you are working on it alone. There will come a point where that effort is no longer worth the cost.

 

On the other hand, love that is only given selfishly is also unsustainable. If you only give your love once they have acted in a certain way or met some paticular expectation that you have it will be damaging to the other person and eventually turn to resentment.

 

I think it is all about how you define your boundaries and limitations. With a spouse or partner those boundaries where you feel comfortable unconditionally loving are probably somewhat more stringent than with a child or family member.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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No, you should not give your love to someone who isn't returning it. Once you know it's all unbalanced, you should know this isn't the right person to give your love to. I think most of what we feel we've lost when we let ourselves fall for someone when that person isn't really very involved is that we are in love with love and the notion of it and when it doesn't work, we mourn the loss of that hopeful feeling. But you have to be smart enough to know that you shouldn't love someone who doesn't care that much about you.

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dangerous Established Member

dangerous

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I can relate and this is very topical for me, tonight!

 

I've just come back from a night out with my GF:

I'm feeling nowadays, after the honeymoon period of 6 months, that I'm giving much more than receiving:

Whenever we have a flat time, or an argument, she always blames me for 'causing her to feel bad' but she never accepts any responsibility. 50% would be nice ;)

If she feels down about something in her life, I am always the one to make the effort to 'cheer her up'. In return she seems to make no effort to cheer herself up. She justifies herself by saying she has moods, or she is no good at relationships.

Because she has a hostile ex at her house (divorce pending) I invite her to mine several times a week and prepare her meals, and she complains that it costs her petrol, and that she is always in a rush. She never offers to cook for me, even at mine, or treat me to meals out, instead complaining when I tell her I don't have much money for going out so often.

My feeling has gone from enjoying and wanting to give, to now wanting something more in return.

Is this a case of not loving her in the first place or love tarnished because she didn't give much back?

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