kiss_andmakeup Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Ugh, what a sleaze. So this is definitely a pattern for him. Serial monogamist/co-dependent...he sounds beyond emotionally unstable. Glad you're getting away from him.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Ok, another update. I called our mutual friend (we met back in the days because of him, my ex was one of his best friends for many years, they have been knowing each other since they were kids, but are a bit distant nowadays). I wanted to tell him what happened, and see if he wants to meet some time. So he was shocked when he heard what happened, but it gets worse- This is literally what he said: 'Okay, I guess now it's the time to tell you something. I never told you before because I thought you guys were really happy and I didn't want you to worry about nothing. So when XX met you, he actually had a girlfriend, for two years already. He cheated on her with you and broke up with her like a week after meeting you. Also, he has basically cheated on every single one of his other ex-girlfriends.' Wow. I'm just sitting here staring against the wall. I cannot believe this. I mean I remember exactly when how we met, how all over me he was, how fast he seems to fall for me, the way he looked at me. He told me pretty fast that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and now I hear that he had another girlfriend when we met?? I guess he broke up with her out of nowhere as well. And all those other girlfriends, same. I cannot believe this. What kind of person is he? I start thinking that he's a psycho who only cares about himself and doesn't even know what love means. I just cannot believe he cheated on every single woman that ever loved him. I can't believe he broke up with every single woman to be with another one. Sorry if I wasn't clear, but that's what my friend said too. That he doesn't remember my ex ever being single. That there was always a new woman, without even a day passing by. Not surprising at all. His ability to disconnect, disassociate is part and parcel an attribute of serial monogamists. May I ask if he was an equal or more contributor financially?
smackie9 Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 A narcissist he is. What an insult that others never bothered to tell you what he was all about. I find that even more devastating. I know you are in shock...this was a horrible thing anyone could ever do. I never condone this but, if it were me I would contact this other women warning her...give her every detail about his past. Tell her how you met, how he was all over you, telling you how he was in love, etc....she will see a pattern. Tell her you are not a psycho ex GF looking for revenge, but an ex GF that was blindsided by your discovery of his true character and doesn't want another to experience the anguish that you have suffered. I know people will say she won't believe you, but at least plant that seed. It might save an innocent from the same pain others had to endure caused by this heartless jerk. Just saying................
Author perriedew Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 Not surprising at all. His ability to disconnect, disassociate is part and parcel an attribute of serial monogamists. May I ask if he was an equal or more contributor financially? Equal. We both always made more or less the same money and split rent, expenses etc
Author perriedew Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 A narcissist he is. What an insult that others never bothered to tell you what he was all about. I find that even more devastating. I know you are in shock...this was a horrible thing anyone could ever do. I never condone this but, if it were me I would contact this other women warning her...give her every detail about his past. Tell her how you met, how he was all over you, telling you how he was in love, etc....she will see a pattern. Tell her you are not a psycho ex GF looking for revenge, but an ex GF that was blindsided by your discovery of his true character and doesn't want another to experience the anguish that you have suffered. I know people will say she won't believe you, but at least plant that seed. It might save an innocent from the same pain others had to endure caused by this heartless jerk. Just saying................ I would, I really want to. But I still don't know who she is, meaning I don't know her name. He does sound like a narcissist though. I know that he's gonna do the same to her, and to the next one etc
harrybrown Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 sorry for your pain. So glad that you are not married to him with kids. At least i did not see anything about kids in your post, but at least not married to him. You will find time will help. Keep him out of your life. NC. Do not let him back in. you are young. You will find someone someday that will treat you right. I hope that people do start treating others the way they want to be treated. 1
Author perriedew Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 I have been reading a lot about narcissism today and seriously, it couldn't be more accurate. Examples: 1. He makes up lies and twists the truth to make himself feel better (like when he said at first that I AM unhappy and how we fight all the time which is not true, and that is why he needs to end the relationship or see other girls) 2. He gets mad when I criticice him or when I'm not my happiest self. For example, he didn't get me gifts for Xmas TWICE in our relationship, while I aleays gave him great things. Even though I didn't complain, he freaked out and said he could see the disappointment in my face (I admit that, for sure I looked disappointed/sad), that he cannot believe I'm acting this way and that I'm just unbelievable. Then he just went to another room. 3. He relates everything to himself. Like when I told him about my struggling with anxiety in the past, he said 'I'm not doing anything to trigger your anxiety, I've done nothing wrong' or when I had a huge fight with my Mom and was pretty sad all day he got mad and said that I'm being totally rude and mean to him, instead of giving me his support. 4. He doesn't seem to have empathy. When my parents announced their divorce after 32 years of marriage, I bursted in tears when I got home. He didn't give me a hug- He just said 'There is nothing to cry about, I mean for sure they will be happier now'. Or when I told him about anxiety and depression in eneral, he said those are just things that people make up in their heads, and it doesn't really exist. Or when I told him about the Manchester terror attack he made some dumb joke and changed topic. 5. He wants to be the best at everything. Every couple of months he gets obsessed with something new, usually sports, and wants to train hours a day and compete in competitions etc to be the best 6. Conversations are usually just about him. Like I ask him how he is, how his day was and what he's doing etc, and he will tell me everything in detail, but doesn't ask the same thing back most of the time 7. He can be extremely charming, funny, affectionate, as long as I'm in a good mood and do what he wants. When I fell in love with him he made promised to me almost to fast and promised me the stars. 8. When I don't wanna do something he really wants to do, he gets angry or pissed. And then he does it anyways. 9. He never apologized for anything. Nothing is ever his fault. 10. He often gives me silent treatments- Sometimes up to 4 days in a row. 11. He would never admit when he's struggling to do something,or when he's sad, down or worried. He keeps everything to himself, keeps his straight appearance.
Author perriedew Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 God, I'm so thankful right now for someone here mentioning narcissism. Not only does he seem like the textbook narcissist, I also sound like the textbook victim. I had an abusive mother who hit and threatened me, a father who cheated on my mother, I cut my arms when I was a teenager, I was in an abusive relationship before where my ex hit me and took drugs, and I guess I'm insecure and don't have much love for myself. This is eye opening.
Author perriedew Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 God, I'm so thankful right now for someone here mentioning narcissism. Not only does he seem like the textbook narcissist, I also sound like the textbook victim. I had an abusive mother who hit and threatened me, a father who cheated on my mother, I cut my arms when I was a teenager, I was in an abusive relationship before where my ex hit me and took drugs, and I guess I'm insecure and don't have much love for myself. I accepted his often childish and angry/cold behaviour and just took it as his flaw. I often wondered if it's my fault. This is eye opening.
shahjskalio Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 You guys were engaged for 5 years! That's already a red flag. He wasnt and isn't ready for marriage.
Author perriedew Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 You guys were engaged for 5 years! That's already a red flag. He wasnt and isn't ready for marriage. We were engaged for 4 months. Together for almost 5 years.
BoxerMomma Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 I would, I really want to. But I still don't know who she is, meaning I don't know her name. He does sound like a narcissist though. I know that he's gonna do the same to her, and to the next one etc Would you be able to get this from the email you saw him send her, telling her he loves her, if this is something you want to do?
Mkn1010 Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Hey girl, I am terribly sorry this happened to you and life has literally been pulled out from under you I wanted to chime in and tell you my story to maybe give you a little comfort that you're not alone. I was 28 years old when I walked in on my long-term boyfriend of 5 years in bed with someone else (now over 2 years ago). He, like your ex, was a classic narcissist and master manipulator/liar etc. But I never really saw it until after the fact, he was so convincing when he said he loved me and that hurts the most, how he could have looked me in the eyes and so tenderly made me feel loved. It's shocking really. But believe me when I say that you are so much better off now and pity the next girl and the next after that as it will never end. I'm sure you've read that narcissists are never satisfied and will never be fulfilled with ANY relationship as they have a deep hole inside. My ex is with someone new and has been for these past two years since our split and while I'm yet to find my guy I do not even his relationship one bit. Believe me when I say that you are the strong one and the one who is truly capable of a lasting/meaningful love some time in the future now that he is out of your life, whereas he may never be. And it strikes me as very cruel that these people don't even need a period of alone time to sort through any personal guilt, so perhaps don't even have any. What kind of person is that! I know that you may feel like your time is running out at 29, I'm 30 now and I totally understand that fear of not finding someone else. However, this experience puts you miles ahead of anyone your age in terms of personal growth that you'll achieve in time. When the dust has settled and you eventually heal, you will be SO much more self-aware and the wisdom and depth that comes from this will set you up to truly pick the right person for you, while those that never went through this extreme hardship will be divorcing from the people they chose to marry while in their 20's or not truly learning who they are. This type of experience, while horrible, really is an opportunity. But to make it so that you can learn from it, I can't recommend therapy/counselling enough. You will need tons of support and to learn healthy coping mechanisms. And for a little hope to come back into your life. Also, in the initial phases, I took some anxiety medication, just every so often when I couldn't sleep, to give my body a break. You need rest too and to give yourself permission to heal. Be kind to yourself and feel free to message me anytime. God bless x 1
Author perriedew Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 Would you be able to get this from the email you saw him send her, telling her he loves her, if this is something you want to do? Unfortunately not. The email was actually just a draft he didn't send yet, no email addredd. But what he said made it clear that it was directed to the girl he cjeated with. I cannot believe he wrote that he loves her, just two weeks after meeting her. Now that I read the stuff about narcissism I could actually imagine that he says he loves her after just days. It's not true but that's what narcissists do. He actually asked me just days after meeting him if I want to move in with him (which I did not, but I did it after a few months) and that I'm the ONE etc
Miss Peach Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Unfortunately not. The email was actually just a draft he didn't send yet, no email addredd. But what he said made it clear that it was directed to the girl he cjeated with. I cannot believe he wrote that he loves her, just two weeks after meeting her. Now that I read the stuff about narcissism I could actually imagine that he says he loves her after just days. It's not true but that's what narcissists do. He actually asked me just days after meeting him if I want to move in with him (which I did not, but I did it after a few months) and that I'm the ONE etc It's called love bombing. It sounds like he could have been a sociopath too; not just a narcissist. It's good to learn the signs of these types but IME vilifying him and going down that rabbit hole for too long won't help you heal. I am in a group of women who divorced guys like your ex and so many of them haven't healed yet. It's good you dodged that bullet because they are often about control and that's hard to deal with in cases like sharing children. What a lot of people forget is these guy's aren't all bad. They seem good for at least the beginning to hook you in. One thing I'll highly recommend is working on your standards, boundaries, and self esteem. That's really your best defense at walking away from these guys. I recommend anything written by Natalie Lue. She has books and a blog. Her stuff is the first time I read about that stuff and it finally made sense.
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