perriedew Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I don't know what I'm looking for, advice and support maybe. My life is shattered. I (29) have been with my fiancé (33) for five years. Five wonderful years full of love, full of happiness. Or so I thought. Two years ago, I moved thousands of miles to be with him. It was literally the best relationship I've ever been in. We traveled the world and made so many plans for the future. He told me how much he loves me every single day. Two weeks ago, he slept in another city for work, quite common. We said good night, but the next day I didn't hear from him at all. I tried to call him. His phone was switched off. I got worried. I called his Mom. She didn't know anything either. I then checked his emails (a thing I've never done before) to see if I can find any clue. I did. I found two Uber receipts, one at 1am, the other one at 3.30am. I tried to stay calm, I thought maybe he just went for a drink with a friend (he lived in that city before). When he finally called me in the afternoon, he sounded weird on the phone. He didn't mention him going out, so I confronted him. He then admitted it. He said he just went for a drink with a female friend and that he didn't tell me because I would disapprove (which is ridiculous, I don't mind him having female friends). I saw red flags everywhere. I asked who she is, and he didn't want to tell me. He then suddenly changed topic and said that he thinks I'm not happy anymore and that he isn't sure he still wants to get married. He said that to me on the phone. I was so hurt and started crying, he was so cold. I then just hung up. He never called me back and never messaged me. I packed some stuff then and went to a friend, he never tried to contact me to see where I am and if I'm okay. I literally didn't hear anything from him, til today. I was going to go home to finally talk to him about that other girl, and about what he said. He wasn't at home. In the same moment I received a text message from him, just saying 'I'm sorry for ****ing everything up, I guess I'm just selfish. I wish you a great life' I couldn't believe it. The man I loved for 5 years, the man who was my life, my everything, didn't even bother to see where I am for two weeks, then just said 'Sorry and bye' via text massage. I then called him. Several times. No answer. I checked his emails again. He sent an email to some girl saying that he loves her. Wow. Hours later he called me back. I told him that I don' understand anything anymore and that he owes me the truth. At first he tried to make up some lies about how we're just not working out and that he is just too immature for a real commitment, but I called him out on it. He then admitted everything. He told me how he met this other girl a couple of weeks ago. How he saw her at the airport and decided to talk to her, to invite her for a date. How he went on that date with her at 1am and took her back to his hotel afterwards. All that while I was at our apartment, not suspecting anything. Who knows how this has been going on but it seems like he was dating her for a while while we were still together. He said he's sorry that this happened, nothing else. I then said that I never want to see him again or speak to him again. We hung up. I'm still at our apartment now, while he's somewhere with his new girl (who probably doesn't have a clue that I exist). Tomorrow I'm taking all my stuff and I will leave. Needless to say, I'm absolutely devastated. I just cant believe this. How could he do this do me? Cheating on me, while everything was going great, while we were engaged? Saying to another girl that he loves her while he kept telling me too that he loves me? Dating someone else while still making plans for the future with me? After I quit my job two years ago to move to where he lives, after I sacrificed so much for him. Not even making sure where I am and that I'm safe after I left. Not giving me any real explanation and sending me a ****ty text message wishing me a great life after all this. I'm shattered. This hurts co much. It's like that lovely, wonderful man I've been in love with since 2012 never even existed. I don't know how much more heartbreak I can take. This is too much.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Ack. Sorry you are going through this. Very little anyone says will help you right now, but make certain you have friends or family on call or nearby to help you out. I suspect that he has been seeing her for some time. I doubt anyone would throw away a relationship like yours after having met only 2-weeks ago? All those sleep overs in other towns were probably opportunities for him to continue playing or seeing this particular lady. To be honest, and sorry to say this, but he is and was not ready to settle down. He is still in playing mode. Good luck to you. If there is any consolation, his response to this tells you volumes. He doesn't want what you thought you two had. He wants out. That's my opinion. You found out before you two tied the knot. I suspect that he would have likely cheated on you. Opportunity was enough for him and didn't not respect the engagement, relationship nor you.
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I am so sorry for what you are going through. I also think he met her a long time ago and not 2 weeks ago like he claims especially that he said he loves her? ! Nah I don't beleive him. Right now you don't see it because you're in shock and thinking of everything you are losing but with a bit of time things will come into light for you and you'll start seeing all the red flags you've let by. I wonder what is the history behind you having his email password. It's usually not a sign a relationship is strong and healthy. Hang in there the pain will go away, it always does. 1
Silver Taurus Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I don't have any real words of wisdom but I'm so sorry you are going through this. I felt the pain in your post and just wanted you to know I'm sending you ((((())))). Post here often as there are many wonderful members who will give you sound advice.
salparadise Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's not right, not fair, not something a person of integrity would do, much less be so cold and callous about it all. Sometimes we don't know the person we're with until it's over, then we realize that while we were going deeper every day, the other had no capacity for depth, commitment or dedication. On one side of the relationship it was solid and had a future, on the other side it was paper thin. It's going to hurt for quite awhile. I had something similar happen in January, although we weren't engaged and had less time together. She didn't cheat, she just discarded me like it meant nothing. The trauma of being treated so poorly is worse than the loss of the relationship. You should take solace in the knowing that you had the courage to love without restraint, to be authentic and open your heart completely. It's not your fault that the other person was stunted and unable to deal with vulnerability. This capacity is your strength. Concentrate on healing without putting up walls, closing your heart and becoming bitter. It's going to be hard for a year or so, but it gets a little better every day and in a few months you'll realize that you can still smile, experience happiness, and not be consumed by it every minutes. All things shall pass. This too will become part of you, but it won't define you. You will be able to love again. Take care of yourself, love yourself, surround yourself with friends and family. Talk as much as you need to. I hope you have people to listen. Consider therapy as well. Wishing you healing and the best life has to offer. 3
Popsicle Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 A word to the wise: never move in with a man that you are not married to. Not even engaged. 6
selinaluv Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 (edited) I am so sorry for your pain. I was you and have been in your shoes, except we were married and together for 12 year and had a small child. We had also made a cross country move and I had given up my job so I could raise our child. He blindsided me that he didn't love me anymore and he was essentially done and gave no chance for reconciliation. It had everything to do with his own depression and internal struggles and pretty much nothing to do with our relationship. Anyone can do it at any time. Some people can be very cruel and selfish. Looking back, I could have noticed some warning signs when we first got together, but I was young, dumb, and in love. He did you a favor because he showed you his true colors before you were legally bound by marriage or had a child. I imagine it is no consolation, because this is just who he is and has nothing to do with her. I know the pain is tough, but just power through it and give yourself time. In hindsight, you will see this was just a time in your life and you will come out of it stronger. Edited June 19, 2017 by selinaluv
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 So sorry this happened to you . He's worse than what I can say here without it being Xd out. My advice, which is easier said than done, is to not even TRY to make sense of "how" he could do this. You will never understand it, and there will NEVER be a reason that will satisfy you, because you are a good person and he is not. Instead, work toward acceptance that this ****ty thing happened to you, repeatedly tell yourself that you did NOT deserve it, and find other things to focus on until you are able to move on. Trying to figure out why he did it/how could it do it will only drive you nuts because healthy people are just not capable of understanding it. (Neither are unhealthy people since it literally makes no sense)
whatnot Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 A word to the wise: never move in with a man that you are not married to. Not even engaged.I can't believe you said this! If people allowed themselves to follow this one simple principle...75% percent of the pain on this forum would be, if not eliminated, then at least lessened. 1
whatnot Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Scum! What kind of a sick person does this ?!?!the kind that moves in with women with no commitment.. playing house isn't a commitment....it's a game. 2
Author perriedew Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 Thanks guys. I appreciate your comments (I'll ignore the 'This happened because you moved in with him before marriage' comment. I don't share that opinion.) I'm here in bed unable to sleep. I've been smoking like crazy today, and I'm a non-smoker. I smoked my last cigarette around 7 years ago (and even back then I wasn't a smoker). It's not going to become a habit, but I feel like the cigs calm me down a bit right now. I never thought this would happen, not in a million years, not with my man, who has always been so crazy in love with me (or so I thought). The thought that he's with another girl right now is killing me, but I'm trying to distract myself as much as possible. I guess the good thing is that it happened now, and not after we got married. I'm also trying to see it from the bright side- I never liked the city we live in very much, so I will be able to start over somewhere. Even though I feel too old for that at 29.
joseb Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 (edited) OP, sorry this happened. My finance who also lived with me did something similar. It had been going on for six months when I found our, but of course initially she tried to suggest it was nothing, then a once off, then a few weeks....etc It's hard to be positive at a time like this, but at least you are not married with kids. As to living together, well it makes it harder and more painful breaking up (logistically and emotionally) but doesn't affect anyone's chances of cheating IMHO. (and I don't think.marriage reduces cheating much either) Edited June 19, 2017 by joseb
DashRiprock Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 OP, take solace in this: Whirlwind romances like the one your fiance is involved in NEVER (or very, very few) work out. They fizzle as fast as they start. I would bet very confidently he tries to come back at some point. But knowing his character as you do now, what will you do if/when he does?
Marshawn Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 I am sorry to hear that. If it will make you feel any better, which obviously it won't.. Time heals everything. I too was in a similar situation as you. I was in a full-on serious relationship for 4 years to someone who I thought was my everything. She later cheated on me with my best friend at the time and even managed to give me STD. No shame in her game. i sacrificed so much for her only for her to disappoint me with some BS like that. Time will heal everything, there is nothing you can do about it. Don't feel sorry about yourself, it is not about getting bitter, it is about getting better. Through every dark night, there is always a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it gets, you gotta keep your head, stick your chest out and handle the situation. Most people believe in revenge, but I've realized thats just negative energy that precludes happiness. We all run into people in our lives that test us, use us, hurt us or even disappoint us, but revenge doesn't serve a purpose. god's karma takes care of that. But focus on letting go and forgiveness. go as far as, praying for anyone that might have hurt you. at the end of the day, we are all characters of a complicated universe. why complicate it further by letting vegeance devour your day. if you forgive, you learn and you move on. NEVER REGRET A SINGLE CHARACTER IN YOUR JOURNEY. IF THEY WEREN'T PART OF YOUR DESTINATION, THEY WERE JUST PREPARATION. God bless you.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 I'm really sorry, OP. I know the pain you're in. Something similar happened to me a few years back, with my long-term ex. I had a feeling something was off, and I was right: he'd been seeing someone else. Unfortunately, I don't believe for a hot second that your fiance has only been with her for 2 weeks. No, this has been going on much longer than that. Cheaters usually only admit to what they simply cannot deny (in the face of evidence) or reveal a series of half-truths to try to mitigate the fall-out. What you know is probably only a snippet of the whole story. I was a year older than you when that happened. I changed my life and moved half way around the world, started over completely, and I have never regretted it. I'm still here, 4.5 years later! I am a much happier person now. It's never to late to lose the dead weight and start again. It will be hard, but don't try to sugar-coat the truth when people ask you what happened. Be honest and expose him. You will likely find support in unexpected places, and this will help to propel you forward to create a new life for yourself. 5
1fish2fish Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Sadly, I know the pain too. I have the advantage of looking back 25 years from when it happened to me to when I was your age, and I ended up moving to another state and creating a new life for myself. I can say now it was the best thing that ever happened to me, but at the time I wanted to die. There are no shortcuts through the pain. Try and surround yourself with good friends and pamper yourself as much as you need. Try to live in the present and only focus on getting through the next minute. And come back here and post as much as you need to. **He did come back, too, several years later and we tried again...until I discovered I had changed, but he hadn't. So I ended things.
Author perriedew Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 I could never take him back, ever. It's like I don't even know who he is anymore. I still cannot believe he did that- Like, it's not just that he cheated on me, but apparently he LOVES her. How the **** can he love her when he just told me weeks ago that he loves me and wants a future with me? I don't believe for a second that our relationship was already deteriorating, everything had been so great these months, I mean he proposed just a few months ago, and he visited my family's hometown for the first time 6 weeks ago. This is a nightmare. I hope so much that this new relationship won't work out ad that karma bites his ass. The worst is that he's pretending as if our relationship wasn't great in the last months anyways and that both of us weren't happy, like making up an excuse for his unbelievable behavior. How could anyone ever do this to anyone. When I told him I'm leaving today to move somewhere else he didn't even protest or didn't say that he will come asap to talk to me at least face to face one last time. Instead he said nothing.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 His lack of concern is really an indicator that he was never really THAT invested. I suspect he was going through the motions as he was meeting other women (this woman) at other cities. I don't believe he truly and wholly invested. As he traveled and met other women, he realized sooner or later that he was not done playing the field. I doubt this new lady will be his last before he settles down, if he ever does. I believe you discovering and calling him on his discretion was the impetus for him to come clean and allow him to free himself from the relationship or it helped. I don't think he was too concerned about being caught. Anyway, he is out. 1
kendahke Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 This is a nightmare. I hope so much that this new relationship won't work out ad that karma bites his ass. The worst is that he's pretending as if our relationship wasn't great in the last months anyways and that both of us weren't happy, like making up an excuse for his unbelievable behavior. How could anyone ever do this to anyone. When I told him I'm leaving today to move somewhere else he didn't even protest or didn't say that he will come asap to talk to me at least face to face one last time. Instead he said nothing. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Having gone through this myself, here is what I can tell you: You have the superior moral compass. Your boyfriend is a calculating fiend. He's been planning this for some time, and instead of being truthful with you that you and your relationship really wasn't making him happy and that you be given the choice to either work through it or break up, he made the choice for you when he chose to manipulate you while he got used to the idea of being apart from you, which is why he seems to be indifferent with you now. It's as if he's flipped into someone you don't recognize, but he was that person all along. (It's why I say you only know as much about a person as they let you know about themselves). If this was as fresh to him as it is with you, he'd be all over the place, emotionally, like you are. He's had time to get used to this and to form the requisite indifference to enable him to plot this behind your back. He was managing you and keeping you in your lane. After probably months of maneuvering his way into this new relationship, this weekend was when he finally allowed himself to not care if you found out. He's going to sink like a stone, emotionally, and within 6 months, he's going to be calling you crying for forgiveness---why? Because all this new chick can be is rebound girl and a constant reminder of what he destroyed for her. For you, living well is the best revenge once you've recovered from this earthquake. It's hard at first (god knows I've been in exactly your same shoes 7 years ago), but as time goes by (and I strongly recommend that you get professional help to help you navigate this emotional minefield), you will realize that this wasn't something that took place over the course of a weekend and you will survive this with way more wisdom than you had before. It just doesn't appear that way right now. In the meantime, you have to let grief do its job and go through it, not around, not deflect it because it will wait until you're distracted and land on your head when you least expect to finish doing its job. Come here and vent--you need to be witnessed as you work through this so that you know that you aren't crazy or wrong or anything like that, because you're not. You've had your world upended and it's not a pleasant feeling by any stretch of the imagination. Hugs to you 2
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Oh my gosh. What a nightmare. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Keep posting here - this is a great place for support. I know from experience that it's impossible to see the silver lining right now - but thank god you didn't marry this guy. It will take time to heal but eventually it will happen. Do you have a good support network among family or friends to help you get through this?
Author perriedew Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 Ok, another update. I called our mutual friend (we met back in the days because of him, my ex was one of his best friends for many years, they have been knowing each other since they were kids, but are a bit distant nowadays). I wanted to tell him what happened, and see if he wants to meet some time. So he was shocked when he heard what happened, but it gets worse- This is literally what he said: 'Okay, I guess now it's the time to tell you something. I never told you before because I thought you guys were really happy and I didn't want you to worry about nothing. So when XX met you, he actually had a girlfriend, for two years already. He cheated on her with you and broke up with her like a week after meeting you. Also, he has basically cheated on every single one of his other ex-girlfriends.' Wow. I'm just sitting here staring against the wall. I cannot believe this. I mean I remember exactly when how we met, how all over me he was, how fast he seems to fall for me, the way he looked at me. He told me pretty fast that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and now I hear that he had another girlfriend when we met?? I guess he broke up with her out of nowhere as well. And all those other girlfriends, same. I cannot believe this. What kind of person is he? I start thinking that he's a psycho who only cares about himself and doesn't even know what love means.
Author perriedew Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 Oh my gosh. What a nightmare. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Keep posting here - this is a great place for support. I know from experience that it's impossible to see the silver lining right now - but thank god you didn't marry this guy. It will take time to heal but eventually it will happen. Do you have a good support network among family or friends to help you get through this? Yes, I do. Yesterday I literally talked on the phone for hours with friends. It definitely helped, I feel loved. I'm planning to move back where they are very soon. 3
niji Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 So he was shocked when he heard what happened, but it gets worse- This is literally what he said: 'Okay, I guess now it's the time to tell you something. I never told you before because I thought you guys were really happy and I didn't want you to worry about nothing. So when XX met you, he actually had a girlfriend, for two years already. He cheated on her with you and broke up with her like a week after meeting you. Also, he has basically cheated on every single one of his other ex-girlfriends.' I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I wish you a swift recovery (as swift as a sh*tty situation like this allows) and trust that it happened for the better; much better than if you had already married him and have children with him. But... I've been following your threads since yesterday, and this makes so much more sense. Nothing happens for no reason, as a random event. If he acted the way he did, he must have either done it before, or have always wanted to do it and have been plotting it. Being a pilot and being away from you so often, the opportunities are always there. I guess it's been hard for you to spot this type of behavior because you guys are not physically together in the same house 24/7. As heartbroken as you are, try to convince yourself that you've escaped a narrow path from an indecent human being who doesn't deserve someone like you.
Author perriedew Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 I just cannot believe he cheated on every single woman that ever loved him. I can't believe he broke up with every single woman to be with another one. Sorry if I wasn't clear, but that's what my friend said too. That he doesn't remember my ex ever being single. That there was always a new woman, without even a day passing by.
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