Quokka Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Hello to everyone reading. First I'd like to say that I am a 21 year old male and the female I will be talking about in this post is 22. I have a problem and it's a big one at least it feels that way to me. I struggle with depression, ptsd, and panic. This was all diagnosed when I was younger. My Father also passed away when I was a young boy and that has made my teenage and now my adult years much more difficult to deal with. The girl I will tell you about soon also has depression and anxiety diagnosed to her as well. Me and this girl have been friends since high school. I met her when I was 15 shortly after My Dad passed and she was 16. She was there for me and we did just about everything together. We experimented with drugs, went to parties, all the sex included. We were never an exclusive couple but if you asked anyone who knew us is was always us together. I would ask her to date numerous times but she never wanted that. She never dated anyone else in this time either. She's not one for "labels" as she calls it. Well eventually, I got bored with her meandering around a relationship with me because I wanted one so I pursued another woman. After 2 months of me being away from her she was calling crying and wanting me back in her life. I told her what I wanted (a relationship) and she said she had been thinking about how she only wanted to be with me because it's always been "us" I finally decide to go see her and when I did she smashed her phone when I didn't pick up calls and she was a wreck. She was also wearing my old hoodie I left at her place before I told her I was done pursuing her. Clearly, this girl missed me and loved me. She spilled her guts about everything and told me she wanted to be together. Which is what I had always wanted since we first met. So, I cut ties with the other girl I was seeing and me and her got together. It went well for two months. We were living together in her house and she became distant, started leaving me out of things, going outside often, barely speaking to me, and hardly looking at me, the sex went out the window as well. I knew a break up was coming. I brought up her strange behavior and she told me she needed someone who offered more as I was unemployed living in her home and she was independent but don't let this fool you, she's independent in the worst way. Her Dad gave her that house rent free, mom buys her everything else she needs. She has her own ****. But only because it was given to her. She left me because I wasn't working and was drinking all the time and she said it was depressing her. (Understandable) I leave and completely distraught called a buddy and drank myself into oblivion every day for about a month. I found out she was sleeping with someone else during this time too which only added to the depression of losing her that I was already experiencing. Fast forward: I get a job, a good job, full time and $13.50/hour. I'm working a graveyard shift around two weeks ago and my phone starts going off around 5am. It's her. I shaded it and went about my business. She starts calling every day for a week. I finally answer and she's going on about how she misses me all over again. The same damn thing. I responded by telling her that I love her but I'm not ready to mend things with you because I'm still hurt really bad and I don't know if I can ever trust you. She told me she understood and I haven't heard from her for about a week. My conflicting problem is that I have been going on dates, having sex, meeting new women but none of them are her. I love her, only her. Always have, always will. She was my bestfriend and my lover. I want to call her, I want to see her, it's been months without her. She misses me but I turned her away and now I miss her. My job is lonely and isolating and none of these other women have what she has. And I am hating myself a little more each day and wanting to reach out but I'm so hurt by her actions in the past that I know it's probably a bad idea. And that's what keeps my hestitation at bay. I don't want her to think she can always walk all over me and I'll always come back like a sick puppy. But man, I really miss her. Any input even harsh is accepted. Thanks ~quokka
Inafishbowl Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Sounds like she and you both need to grow as people still. It's fine if there isn't a traditional relationship at this point. She said she doesn't want any labels. You both should just go with that and work on building your futures. You can still be friends and hang out when it's convenient to you both. Quit trying to define everything and just enjoy the company of each other. Probably what you both did when you where younger. There is plenty of time to be in a serious relationship later on in your life. Whatever happens in the future will happen. Focus on you and where you want to be in a few years.
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