salparadise Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 She is not that young and she knows that what she is doing is selfish. I really care for this guy and I believe that conversation won't solve anything and that's why I am asking for practical advice. In addition, he mentions from time to time that eventually he will have his own place to live. Well, there's not a damn thing you can do, practically or otherwise, to change his sister's motives or her existence. She is sucking the life out of this relationship and he's allowing it. I have no idea why he's willing to let her insinuate herself this way. So let's see what you CAN change... Since she's trying to destroy the relationship, you might as well take the gloves off. I suspect that you aren't assertive enough, but you could put the boyfriend on notice that you will not be wasting another minute of your life in his sister's presence. You will not go to their house, and she is not to tag along on any more dates. Further, if he doesn't get his ass in gear and get his own place to live pronto, you're done. Even if it works she's still going to be in the background thinking up ways to make you miserable, so from that perspective she's going to win by default. You could save yourself the misery by just telling the boyfriend that you love him, but you're done wth the sister, and since they seem to be inseparable you need to end the relationship. I think those are your options.
Author marimari Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 Okay, I know I'll probably get crap for this, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility of incest. Why? Do you know someone who had this experience?
salparadise Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Why? Do you know someone who had this experience? Don't indulge him.
Author marimari Posted June 19, 2017 Author Posted June 19, 2017 Since she's trying to destroy the relationship, you might as well take the gloves off. I suspect that you aren't assertive enough, but you could put the boyfriend on notice that you will not be wasting another minute of your life in his sister's presence. You will not go to their house, and she is not to tag along on any more dates. Further, if he doesn't get his ass in gear and get his own place to live pronto, you're done. Even if it works she's still going to be in the background thinking up ways to make you miserable, so from that perspective she's going to win by default. You could save yourself the misery by just telling the boyfriend that you love him, but you're done wth the sister, and since they seem to be inseparable you need to end the relationship. I think those are your options. Yes, you are totally right, I will put my gloves off, because I believe that I need to do it now and see if he really cares for me because I will be wasting my time. He needs to set some boundaries, and if he can't do it now, he will never change.
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 she called him 9 times to bring her something. Why did she call 9 times? Did your boyfriend pick up 9 times? Did your boyfriend bring her something 9 times? Or did she just tried to call 9 times and he never picked up? 1
healing light Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Why? Do you know someone who had this experience? I have known siblings where incest actually occurred, yes. And one pair where the sister had feelings toward the brother but not the other way around. In both cases the boundaries were very skewed. In the former case, the brother was super over protective of her and aggressive toward her suitors. The female sibling had a lot of ptsd. In the one-sided case, the brother actually had to have a heart-to-heart talk with his sister because she did a lot of inappropriate touching and flirtatious behavior in front of his girlfriend and it made things very awkward. I'm not saying that's what is happening, but something definitely sounds off about this whole situation to me. Everything from the sister's clear possessiveness of your boyfriend and your boyfriend's inability or unwillingness to establish appropriate boundaries with her. You would think that he would be eager to have some alone time with you, as well. I would take one of the poster's suggestions up that you invite him over to your place or an activity so that you can have more regular dates out. 1
Author marimari Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 Why did she call 9 times? Did your boyfriend pick up 9 times? Did your boyfriend bring her something 9 times? Or did she just tried to call 9 times and he never picked up? She forgot some kind of medicine, it wasn't life threatening or something like that. She wanted that he comes immediately but he didn't and he picked up eventually and she was calling him and sending messages, he put his phone on silent and brought her the medicine later
Author marimari Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 I remember now, my mind is quite disturbed, he said that he needs to bring her some kind of medicine and it was birth control pills.
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 I remember now, my mind is quite disturbed, he said that he needs to bring her some kind of medicine and it was birth control pills. Isn't birth control pills suppose to be taken each day at the same time? If so then it was important she got those at the time she needed them. I find weird a girl cannot get her own birth control pills BUT that's not the point, the point is they had an arrangement for him to pick them up for her and obviously he was not doing it when he was suppose to do it. You still have not answered why he is still living at his parents at 27? and how old are you? And why the sister thinks you're not good enough for her brother?
Author marimari Posted June 20, 2017 Author Posted June 20, 2017 Yes, those pills should be taken at exact time, and he told her on the phone that he cannot bring them at the moment and she insisted on calling him afterwards. I don't know why is he still living with his parents, he mentions from time to time, that he wants a place of his own, and I am 26 years old. I don't know why she thinks that really, from the beginning I was nice to her.
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 Yes, those pills should be taken at exact time, and he told her on the phone that he cannot bring them at the moment and she insisted on calling him afterwards. I don't know why is he still living with his parents, he mentions from time to time, that he wants a place of his own, and I am 26 years old. I don't know why she thinks that really, from the beginning I was nice to her. With all due respect at 27 and 26 you both should be living in our own place. I don't care how you make it, you get room-mates or you simply rent a bachelor place but it's long overdue you both fly away from the nest. It's not normal to still be living at your parents at your age so don't even try to have a 'normal' romantic relationship, the environment is not set up for that. 1
kendahke Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 I agree with Gaeta... Your first order of business is to get your own place so that you have somewhere where you can be assured that you have the privacy you need with each other. Or ask your parents if you and your boyfriend can have sex in their house. Other than that, you're going to have to tolerate his sister whenever you go to her house to hang with him. That's the bottom line. Railing at the unfairness isn't going to accomplish anything.
jay1983 Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 WTH kinda privacy would someone have living 5 deep in a 2 bedroom apartment where you wait an hour for the restoom? Wealthy people dishing out advice to people trying to make ends meet over because society says blah blah blah.
Gaeta Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 WTH kinda privacy would someone have living 5 deep in a 2 bedroom apartment where you wait an hour for the restoom? Wealthy people dishing out advice to people trying to make ends meet over because society says blah blah blah. It's an important rite of passage. You get your butt out from under your mom's roof and you go fetch for yourself. I did it at 17! my daughter moved out of my home at 22 and worked 2 jobs + full time school and she made it. It builds people's character. It makes you find solutions to your problems. It makes you independent. It makes you develop some resiliency. And it teaches you what money is worth when you struggle to earn it. 1
kendahke Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 WTH kinda privacy would someone have living 5 deep in a 2 bedroom apartment where you wait an hour for the restoom? More than they would have living in their parents house under their parents rules. You have to make a choice: be treated as a child or be treated as an adult. If you want to be grown and do grown things, then you move out of your parents and go do grown things. Wealthy people dishing out advice to people trying to make ends meet over because society says blah blah blah. This has nothing to do with wealth but having to do with wanting to be grown but still behaving like a child. The one paying the mortgage/rent is the one making the rules. Period.
jay1983 Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) It's an important rite of passage. You get your butt out from under your mom's roof and you go fetch for yourself. I did it at 17! my daughter moved out of my home at 22 and worked 2 jobs + full time school and she made it. It builds people's character. It makes you find solutions to your problems. It makes you independent. It makes you develop some resiliency. And it teaches you what money is worth when you struggle to earn it. That's not what I said. I don't if it's cause English and what you're describing is isn't common on the other side of the tracks where I live. Edited June 20, 2017 by jay1983
jay1983 Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 More than they would have living in their parents house under their parents rules. You have to make a choice: be treated as a child or be treated as an adult. If you want to be grown and do grown things, then you move out of your parents and go do grown things. This has nothing to do with wealth but having to do with wanting to be grown but still behaving like a child. The one paying the mortgage/rent is the one making the rules. Period. It has everything to do with wealth. How many people in Florence California, live on their own? Every house has like 10 people living in it.
No_Go Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 It has everything to do with wealth. How many people in Florence California, live on their own? Every house has like 10 people living in it. Unless you're very early on in your life (like 17) it is a choice. Planning your spending is a choice. Saving is a choice. I had to skip on vacations for many years but I did afford buying my own single family house in Boston (where prices are skyrocketing)starting from literally zero when I left my home country. My sister ... still living with mom at 28 with her 30-something boyfriend that she has a child with. They spend all their money on trips and eating out and have no responsibility for rent and bills. I wonder albeit nice for them now how is this going to pan out if the parental support ends for them for one reason or another... 1
jay1983 Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 (edited) Unless you're very early on in your life (like 17) it is a choice. Planning your spending is a choice. Saving is a choice. I had to skip on vacations for many years but I did afford buying my own single family house in Boston (where prices are skyrocketing)starting from literally zero when I left my home country. My sister ... still living with mom at 28 with her 30-something boyfriend that she has a child with. They spend all their money on trips and eating out and have no responsibility for rent and bills. I wonder albeit nice for them now how is this going to pan out if the parental support ends for them for one reason or another... For me that's the only way to see family is to fly across the world when I have vacation time. Mother had to remarry in order to survive, my father when he was still living made $10 an hour. Edited June 20, 2017 by jay1983
No_Go Posted June 20, 2017 Posted June 20, 2017 For me that's the only way to see family is to fly across the world when I have vacation time. Mother had to remarry in order to survive, my father when he was still living made $10 an hour. Same for me: my family is on another continent. I had to make sacrifices to build my life...
kendahke Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 It has everything to do with wealth. How many people in Florence California, live on their own? Every house has like 10 people living in it. Then it sounds like 2 to 3 jobs are in order so you can afford to live as you wish until such a time as you make the income off of one job. But this thread isn't about living situations. It's about OP's boyfriend's sister. Let's stick to the topic.
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