Problem with his sister

June 18, 2017

I am in a relationship with a wonderful and good guy and he is really trying to make me happy. But I have a problem with his sister, they are really close and the longer we are together, she wants to spend more time with us. At one occasion she offended me, and I spoke with him about that, and he said that he understands my feelings and that he will do his best. I have a feeling that she doesn't like me, and I am civil and nice, but I do not have the will to become her friend. When we spend time together the three of us, she acts bratty and competing with me for his attention. The problem is that she constantly wants to spend time with us, he lives with her and when I come to his house, I usually spend some time with them. I told him that I want to spend time alone with him, but his sister often suggests that we go somewhere together and I feel that when I don't agree with that proposal, that he is not quite happy. My boyfriend and I went to my countryhouse during the weekend, and she implied that she would like to come there with her boyfriend. I would like to avoid her as much as possible but I think that it is not viable.

June 18, 2017

Your boyfriend needs to set boundaries with his sister. How old is she? And he?

While I see no harm in hanging out altogether sometimes, you and your boyfriend need your own space and time alone. It's not appropriate to have her around all the time.

I would let him know that the three of you can do some activities together, and heck, encourage them to do go and do some brother-sister things together too, just the two of them. However, you need designated time when it's just you and him. f he is uncomfortable not bringing her along all the time, you might want to reconsider the relationship.

June 18, 2017

He is 27 and she is 23 years old. I did let him know that we should spend some time together the three of us from time to time, and that they should spend some time alone, especially they live together with parents in the same house, so they have the opportunity to do so but his sister is constantly being pushy to spend time with us.

June 18, 2017

when I come to his house, I usually spend some time with them. I told him that I want to spend time alone with him

Any reason why he can't come to your place if you want to spend time alone?

My boyfriend and I went to my countryhouse during the weekend, and she implied that she would like to come there with her boyfriend. I would like to avoid her as much as possible but I think that it is not viable.

That would require an invite from you and since it won't be forthcoming, I wouldn't worry about this here. You tell your boyfriend she is not invited and you tell him why. If it takes that little for him to put you down, then he needs to be gone. Their relationship sounds creepy. Never in a million years would I want to bring my boyfriend to my brother's girlfriend's place for a weekend. Just ewwww!

Edited June 18, 2017 by kendahke

June 18, 2017

I live with my parents also, and he comes to my place from time to time. Yes, I know it would require an invite and I explained to him that I am not comfortable with that idea now, and I saw that he felt a little bit disappointed. I am trying to be alone with him more, but she is always suggesting some new activities or wants to join us. I feel that she is always there and that once a week I have to spend time with her.

June 18, 2017

I live with my parents also, and he comes to my place from time to time. Yes, I know it would require an invite and I explained to him that I am not comfortable with that idea now, and I saw that he felt a little bit disappointed. I am trying to be alone with him more, but she is always suggesting some new activities or wants to join us. I feel that she is always there and that once a week I have to spend time with her.

Then the quicker you get with the fact that he and his sister have an unusually close relationship and that she's always going to be part of your plans if you insist on going to her house to hang with him, the better it will be for you.

He's not going to tell her to get lost. Understand that. He'd have done it by now if he didn't want her around.

His reaction here told you everything you need to know about where she stands and where you stand--and you stand behind her.

June 18, 2017

You should not be forced to date his sister. I have a single friend whose sister-in-law gets real pushy about forcing a relationship and then once she does, all she does is criticize.

This guy needs to have more boundaries with his sister. But it is a giant red flag is he is not comfortable setting those boundaries and you will find this problem with not setting boundaries will affect many more aspects of your life together should you choose to stay with him.

Even if you two moved in together, he would let her come over whenever she wanted like it was her place too.

June 18, 2017

This guy needs to have more boundaries with his sister. But it is a giant red flag is he is not comfortable setting those boundaries and you will find this problem with not setting boundaries will affect many more aspects of your life together should you choose to stay with him.
Even if you two moved in together, he would let her come over whenever she wanted like it was her place too.

Yes, and that is what strikes me the most, and I do not want to feel like a third wheel. When we are alone, I feel fine, and when his sister is around, I do not feel comfortable, and I told him that. He said that he will limit the time spent with her, but it is a losing battle when she is always initiating and suggesting new ways to be there.

June 18, 2017

Sorry but you need to find a new BF if nothing changes....hell I would never tolerate someone like her that doesn't respect people's boundaries/personal space.

The only way this is going to work is that she herself finds a BF....maybe then she will finally "get it".

June 18, 2017

The only way this is going to work is that she herself finds a BF....maybe then she will finally "get it".

She has a boyfriend, and that is even more strange!

June 18, 2017

I'm not doubting that he's a wonderful man, but in the same sense, why is he allowing his sister to do this, knowing that it's interfering?

From an outsider looking in, it seems like he's not that interested in you or I would think he would have a discussion, in regards to this issue, with his sister. You've stated that you've spoken to him and that he stated he would speak with his sister about this....have you asked him if he's spoken with her yet?? What did she say?

You said that they reside together, is it his home/apartment or his sisters?

I wish you luck and hopefully he'll see how bothersome this is to you before it's too late. I have known a few guys whom were unusually close to their sisters and I hate to say it but typically the sibling will be put first in situations like this.

June 18, 2017

How long have you been dating?

Why is he living at his parents at 27?

Where is her boyfriend?

He lives with his parents and siblings. When you go there you are at their house. You mentionned that you're expected to spend time with her once a week, it doesn't sound so horrible under those circumstances. When you are there you are at her house as well.

June 18, 2017

There are some serious boundary issues going on here, and I think you need to question exactly if you're willing to do this long-term with your guy. I mean, your guy might be the bee's knees and "the one," but when you enter a marriage, you are marrying the family..and all their crap. I know you haven't said anything about marriage, but that is an end result or goal of dating, and regardless of a ring, you're still on the road to long-term. This is your future. If your boyfriend can't establish boundaries, this is what your future will look like. This will be a constant battle. And you can't very well dictate how he and his family works and functions.

I think you need to have a talk about boundaries. If you don't like his sister and can't get over what she did that was so offensive, it's going to be a real problem, and I think the end result will be losing your boyfriend because he's not going to pick you over the family.

What did she do that was so offensive to you? Is what happened forgivable in any way? Water under the bridge? Was it so bad there's no way to move around it?

The end reality is, when it comes to family, you're going to marry into it and all the crap that goes with it, and depending on his family relationships, they're always going to "win," and you will get nowhere. If he can't establish boundaries, this is your future.

My sister and I are very close. There is no way her plan to go to the country house of her boyfriend would be considered an invitation for me to tag along.

June 18, 2017

She has a boyfriend, and that is even more strange!

Basically this: give him an ultimatum. Tell him this isn't what you want in a relationship. If he can't provide what you want, then it's over. Dump this chump, plain and simple.

June 19, 2017

If you haven't been together for that long, I personally wouldn't want someone that would dump his family for a 5 minute girlfriend.

His sister is going to be around long after you are over.

June 19, 2017

Is it possible for you both to move out of the parental homes and get your own places?

June 19, 2017

Blood is thicker than water. I had this same problem with my last bf and his mother. His mother acted like your guys sister. Just one of the reasons I had to give him up.

June 19, 2017

What did she do that was so offensive to you? Is what happened forgivable in any way? Water under the bridge? Was it so bad there's no way to move around it?

My sister and I are very close. There is no way her plan to go to the country house of her boyfriend would be considered an invitation for me to tag along.

Yes, it was really offensive and when we are together, the three of us, indirectly she implies that I am not the right person for him and has mean comments. From my perspective, she is not a good person and I sense that she hasn't got a good intention and that she does these things on purpose. It is not a problem to forgive, just I have the feeling she wants to harm the relationship. And that is one of the reasons why I am avoiding her. We are together for 5 months, and they are living together at their parent's house. Her boyfriend also lives with his family. I have a great respect for family and I know when I am at their house, that we will spend some time together and I don't mind that, but I do mind when I want to have quality time with my boyfriend and she is always in his room when I am there, and in that way she is not giving me the space I need. He said he spoken with her and that she really likes me, but I know that isn't the truth. Why would someone want to interfere like that? They live together, they have time to do brother/ sister things and I would never interfere with that. The country side was one of the examples, I would never impose myself to someone especially without invitation.

June 19, 2017

I'm not doubting that he's a wonderful man, but in the same sense, why is he allowing his sister to do this, knowing that it's interfering?

Exactly because what it looks like to me is that he doesn't like to be alone with OP without his sister around.

OP, No one but your boyfriend can make it clear to his sister that he wants to spend alone time with you. It's obvious from your posts that he's not going to do that, so you're going to have to ask him why is it that you and he can't have time to yourselves without his sister interfering. If you launch on her, they're going to circle the wagons. If you say nothing, she keeps doing what works--which it is. Both paths lead to the same conclusion--your boyfriend not checking his sister, so the question them becomes: why do you need this particular guy as your boyfriend when it's just as easy to find a guy who isn't so disturbingly close with his sister that it almost borders on incest.

Or maybe...

After all, they are treating with each other like a lover they broke up with but don't want to let go.

Depending upon how badly you need this relationship with this particular guy, as CautiouslyOptomisic aptly pointed out, it may be time to alter your current domestic plans and move into your own place so that you have the privacy you don't appear to have with each of you living under your parents' roofs.

Edited June 19, 2017 by kendahke

June 19, 2017

Maybe the parents have something to do with this. Maybe they encourage her to be like a chaperone, to keep an eye on you two. It's weird but possible. Would this be a cultural thing?

June 19, 2017

As someone who grew up in a tightly knitted family I understand their dynamic.

First OP stop thinking she goes in his room because she doesn't like you. If she didn't like you she would stay away from you. I actually think she does like you, she's young and she probably does not even realize she is stepping in your privacy. All this is about her looking up to her cool older brother, curiosity about you, and not knowing her boundaries. I do not think she has some evil plan behind her head.

Second your BF is not saying anything to her because he does not want to hurt her feelings and he's hoping she'll get it eventually. I know what it is to be close to my siblings and not wanting to hurt their feelings under any circumstances. Even at 51 it would take a lot for me to talk to one of my brothers about boundaries and staying away. If you have not been raised with a bunch of siblings you won't get it.

Finally you've only been dating 5 months. It's a bit early for you to turn your boyfriend against his sister, especially his baby sister. When you are there you are under their roof and you are ONLY the 5 month girlfriend, remember that.

You did not answer my questions: Why at 27 the both of you are still living at your parents? If you are not mature enough, or financially stable enough to live off of your parents then you should not be complaining about the dynamic in his parents's house.

If my adult daughter lived with me and complained her sibling being too much into her privacy I'd tell her *you know what to do* if you want privacy.

June 19, 2017

This shouldn't even be your problem. I think you should have a talk with the boyfriend and tell him in nice, calm way...

"boyfriend, I like you sister and family just fine, but they are not my family, and I am not interested in dating your family, only you, one to one. It's up to you to set the boundaries."

Further, I'd suggest to him that it's about time he seek a normal degree individuation for a 27 year old and consider getting his own place to live. Then pay attention to how he reacts. If he gives you any resistance, understand that it's probably not ever going to change.

I once passed on dating a very nice woman because she had young kids and the ex husband was not living in the area. I knew that meant that dating her would mean dating her and the kids, and it would be rare to have any one-on-one time at all. I felt bad for her, and me too in a sense because I wanted to date her. But the situation was not something I could change.

This situation is not something you can change either. Your boyfriend can, maybe. All you can do is accept it or not. I think you should give him an ultimatum and a little time, and be ready to walk away (with no hard feelings).

Edited June 19, 2017 by salparadise

June 19, 2017

Yes, I did said that I want a relationship with him, and that is important to me to spend time together alone and I want that to work and he agreed but she is constantly insisting on spending time together. I do believe she does not have a good intention because she offended me in front of him, said that I am not the right person for him, and also there was a situation when I brought my friend to a gathering where she was also and he told him that my friend does not like him (my boyfriend) My friend was very kind to him and really likes him. From my point of view, family is important but I think she is not a stupid girl and that she knows exactly what she is doing because I have seen her actions and reactions. There were also situations when she was spending time with her boyfriend, and I was with her brother, she called him 9 times to bring her something. She is not that young and she knows that what she is doing is selfish. I really care for this guy and I believe that conversation won't solve anything and that's why I am asking for practical advice. In addition, he mentions from time to time that eventually he will have his own place to live.

June 19, 2017

Okay, I know I'll probably get crap for this, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility of incest.

June 19, 2017

Yes, I did said that I want a relationship with him, and that is important to me to spend time together alone and I want that to work and he agreed but she is constantly insisting on spending time together. I do believe she does not have a good intention because she offended me in front of him, said that I am not the right person for him, and also there was a situation when I brought my friend to a gathering where she was also and he told him that my friend does not like him (my boyfriend) My friend was very kind to him and really likes him. From my point of view, family is important but I think she is not a stupid girl and that she knows exactly what she is doing because I have seen her actions and reactions. There were also situations when she was spending time with her boyfriend, and I was with her brother, she called him 9 times to bring her something. She is not that young and she knows that what she is doing is selfish. I really care for this guy and I believe that conversation won't solve anything and that's why I am asking for practical advice. In addition, he mentions from time to time that eventually he will have his own place to live.

You're obviously having a difficult time accepting his sister.....and her accepting you, so how do you see that this relationship is going to work?

If she's showing you her true colors now (and him as well, in regards to his sister) I can only imagine what this relationship will look like in a year from now.

It would probably be easier moving on now rather than waiting.

If I were you, I'd have one more discussion and lay everything out, as you've done here and if things don't change, I'd personally leave. It doesn't seem like he's putting in much effort.

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Problem with his sister

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