g464 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 This will be a long one. Ive been here reading posts here for the passed year and need some good advice. Thank you in advance. My ex gf and I dated for 3 years. We both attended college a little later in life. In those 3 years, I spent a lot of time with her family and we often discussed getting married and having a family. We were in love. A few months before we broke up she joined a sorority and I knew it would cause problems in our relationship having gone through that with my previous ex. None the less, I remained supportive and expressed myself when concerns arose. I noticed her becoming more distant and having doubts of what she wanted due to all of the recent exposure she was experiencing. I was also in a fraternity (we both went to different schools). A couple months before we broke up one of my close fraternity brothers died. She had never suffered a loss and didn't really know how to respond and be there for me in that way. I did whatever I could to finish the semester off and graduate even though there was definetly some things in regards to the loss I was avoiding to deal with. When I graduated, she wrote me this letter about how proud of she was to be with someone like me, that she was sorry that she hasn't been the best gf, that she was going to make it up to me, and that she knew we would make it. Despite this, she continued to be unreasonable and we would argue. A month after I graduated, dog passed away. My family is not very close, and I had lived alone with my dog for the passed 7 years. We were very close and he got sick and died VERY suddenly. I was devastated. She tried to be there for me in her own way I suppose but had never liked animals and didn't understand how the loss was affecting me. A week later there was a birthday part for one of her sorority sisters and she invited me. A bunch of people from her school were there and she was obviously ignoring me. I didn't understand why that was happening and decided that since I was already feeling a tremendous amount of grief from my loss, that I would appear as if I was unaffected by it and socialize with her friends. After the party, I helped her clean up and we went to bed. She continued to be distant and I asked her what all this was about. She began arguing with me and thought the only reason I was helping her and being so good with her friends was to make her look bad. This of course was a huge red flag. An unavoidable argument followed. I couldn't believe that the person I loved was putting me through this at such a difficult time. I told her I believed I deserved to be treated better and left. A week later, she sent me an email basically trying to rip me apart telling me every flaw of me she could ever think of and that she wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was ready for the relationship she wanted with me.... I messaged her back telling her that I'm disappointed in how she handled things but loved her, wanted to work things out, and that she was it for me. She said that she didn't think we should be together at the moment. I then asked If I could come by and talk. She didn't think it was a good Idea. I then asked if I could at least come by and get my suit because I needed it for work. She said I could only come that night. When I went to get my suit I asked her how I could have made her hate me so much to break up with me after my dog died. She told me because I was just so vulnerable. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was like I was dealing with a completely different person. I knew deep down that there was someone else. She agreed that we would try to work things out but she needed time apart. A month later I was in Miami. We always talked about going together and Messaged her. She blew up at me and in so many words told me that she couldn't ever go back and that she had "realized so much." I didn't contact her again and was crushed. A month later, she contacted me asking if I had ever exchanged the boots she got me for Christmas and not to lie to her.. I told her I did and she said ok.. and if i could mail her anything of hers I had in my apartment. I told her I could but there was something of hers that I couldn't mail. She asked what it was and I didn't respond. A couple days later she asked if I had mailed her things and that she wanted to tell me something. I then told her that the thing I couldn't mail was the $8000 engagement ring I had bought her months and was waiting till after I had been accepted into law school to give her. She didn't believe me so I sent her pictures. She responded by telling me how mad she was about not saying anything earlier(as if it would have made a difference), that she was seeing someone, was happy, and hoped I didn't make the same mistakes again. The conversation ended and I again left her alone. 4 months later I got another message from her asking me if I still had the vibrator that I had bought her for her birthday that she never even used.. At this moment even though ridiculous.. was relieving in a way because I knew that there was something wrong with her and that I was wrong for blaming myself. I didn't answer her. a couple months later on Christmas however, I messaged her wishing her and her family a merry christmas, hoping that we could leave things more civil. I also messaged her dad who I was close with wishing him a Merry Christmas, apologizing for the situation(he expected and wanted us to get married), and that I was grateful for everything him and his wife did for me. My ex then responded with a very bitter message stating that its uncalled for that I messaged her family, didn't care if I tried to justify it because of some "bond" we might have shared, that she was beyond happy with who she was with, he was everything that she ever wanted me to be, and that her parents would forget all about me after they would meet him. I was completely surprised by her. This wasn't the person I had spent the past 3 years with. Now, 6 months later, a year after our breakup, it appears that they have broken up, she messaged me apologizing for how she handled our breakup, all interaction after, and hoped I was doing well. After everything that she said to me ensuring that I would hate her for life, I don't know how to respond. I'm 29, have been a a few long term serious relationships and feel that I should not answer her because of how she completely poisoned all the good that we had. On the other hand, I was deeply in love with this woman, and part of me hopes that she really is sorry, has grown up, and realized what a mistake she made. Whatever her intentions are, part of me wants to re establish contact and give her another chance, at least to see where she's at in life. Ive dated a lot since our breakup, but in the back of my head I always felt that there was still something there left unresolved.
ShannonM10 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I read your post and it really struck a cord with me, for someone to treat you so terribly after you shared so many things together, say so many terrible things and not give a rats ass for you while they are off having fun, just kills me to hear. My story is long and I wont get into it, but I also had some terrible things happen and said to me, even though I did absolutely nothing to do deserve it, the difference is is that your exes other person obviously didn't work out so she had to actually take the time to evaluate her behavior. In my mind the person probably seemed amazing compared to you at the beginning, was shiny, new, less stress and fun. Of course shes going to demonize you because she devalued you when she started up with whoever she was with, its a classic move, or so I have read, that dumpers do when they have someone waiting in the wings, I know my ex did. You have been given a golden nugget in the sense that she had to actually acknowledge her poor and hurtful actions. Unfortunately my ex is engaged to the person he did this to me with, so I don't think he is fully capable of reflecting and wont until hes alone one day or if ever...but that would be admitting he blew something up that was relatively good for a really really messed up person or situation...who wants to admit that and face themselves?? My advice? She hurt you so much, you can respond if you like, will it open up old wounds? Would you ever trust her again? Can you move past the awful things she said to you? Also you need to figure out if this is her just rebounding, relieving her guilt or genuinely sorry. All things only you would be able to suss out as you know her best. People make mistakes, people learn and change, I guess if you want this person in your life you can give her a shot and see what develops. Just be prepared that she may hurt you more, or not be the same person you remember anymore. You may think you can move past the anger and hurt, but Ill tell you this, its better to start with someone new, in my experience, then try to go through all the crap of building trust and letting go of how they treated you when someone new came along that made them feel "special". The grass was not greener for her, but I feel like it was for you, do you really wanna go pee on that lawn again? 2
Sweetfish Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Even if the relationship could be reconciled. You now know she has venom and can poison the relationship again. 3
Marc878 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Pretty easy read. She dumped you for another and for whatever reason you won't let go. Even though your mind knows this is a toxic person and the only reason she's nice now is you maybe a good plan B after plan A bailed. Your heart will betray you in these situations. There is no fairy tale magic endings with a person that could do this over a long period of time. You need to bury the Mr Nice Guy or suffer a repeat Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download 2
Sweetfish Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Pretty easy read. She dumped you for another and for whatever reason you won't let go. Even though your mind knows this is a toxic person and the only reason she's nice now is you maybe a good plan B after plan A bailed. Your heart will betray you in these situations. There is no fairy tale magic endings with a person that could do this over a long period of time. You need to bury the Mr Nice Guy or suffer a repeat Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download You saw it to right? Wonder if the OP realized it. That she had met someone else and was finding ways to push him away and that is why she was a "different person" That is why she was pissed about the wedding ring. 2
Marc878 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 You saw it to right? Wonder if the OP realized it. That she had met someone else and was finding ways to push him away and that is why she was a "different person" That is why she was pissed about the wedding ring. If the only thing holding them together was an expensive engagement ring it would have never enough. A cheater is gonna cheat no matter what you do for them. You could never do enough. 1
Bromeo Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 You saw it to right? Wonder if the OP realized it. That she had met someone else and was finding ways to push him away and that is why she was a "different person" That is why she was pissed about the wedding ring. Op, even if you love this woman, do you really, and I mean really, want this level of instability in your life? My brother, I've been there. I know how you are feeling, the confusion, the emotions, frustration, all of it. Thing is, you are doing it to yourself. Jesus, read my thread, same garbage, different woman. When it was said that your heart will betray you, that is spot on. Would you accept this level of disrespect from anyone else? She pushed you away as hard as she could, and you two continue to converse over several months. SHE WAS EVEN ANGRY YOU DROPPED 8 MFING THOUSAND ON A RING. What more needs to be said? Could her feelings be any clearer? Your self respect is in pieces with this woman. Pick it up off the ground, dust yourself off, and please, for gods sake, ignore her until she turns to dust in front of you. When you allow yourself to be someone's option, they will treat you like one. There are years of threads on this board from men, like me, who get bulldozed by women like this - and continue to take their awful behavior due to some flawed societal programming. You sound like a solid guy, and I promise if you let this one go, and it will be hard as hell like it was for me to do, you will recover and be happy. She knows you care, quit pandering to her. Leave her alone. If she wants you she will make the effort, plain and simple. And good lord, don't drop the equivalent of a motorcycle on some woman until you do a serious analysis and soul searching. I was there too, I spent 6k on the most gorgeous ring I'd seen. It's at a pawn shop somewhere. She sold it after she left. Be safe. 6
doyathinkso Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 part of me hopes that she really is sorry, has grown up, and realized what a mistake she made. My advice to you consists of one word ..... Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! 1
springy Posted June 19, 2017 Posted June 19, 2017 Not sure how you don't see straight through this but you are plan b. A transition til she meets the next guy. You should have blocked this woman a long time ago. Year later is much too long for this to still be dragging on. She's sorry now because lover boy is gone and is trying to play you for a fool. Don't fall for it. 1
la74219 Posted June 21, 2017 Posted June 21, 2017 I could've wrote this post myself. 6 months into it, the cycle continues. Currently she wants nothing to do with me. Just a few weeks ago she still liked me, but had mixed feelings. Now...she wants silence. Doesn't even want to be friends. Mad at myself for letting it go on this long, but I guess it's never too late to let go. Good luck man I hope you get out of the cycle. 1
Recommended Posts