Anoniem Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 Hello everybody! My girlfriend and I are dating for a year and a half now. We both have a very busy school/work schedule and she has been dealing with alot of pressure on her plate lately. Because of that she has been giving me almost no attention. Now I'm not the kind of boyfriend that needs constant attention, but it bothered me alot since she was neglecting me. So one day I decided to yet again talk to her about her not giving me attention or trying to make time for me. She was getting sick of me telling her I wanted more time and attention and told me she wanted a break untill after her school deadlines. The reason she gave me was that she couldn't handle me as another responsibility right now. We've been on break for a week now, and we haven't talked more than we would if we were just friends. She doesn't respond with I love you too anymore, nor does she show any love for me whatsoever. Now I'm not pushing her because I now she needs her space, but I think it is a weird transition from: "you're the most important man in my life" to "not even willing to say I love you because she's busy with school". Now to come to the conclusion. After a week or so of the break, I'm starting to go from frustration of not getting her attention anymore to becoming angry, distant and close to not caring anymore. I feel like if I'm not worth the effort, than she isn't worth my time either. Are my feelings shifting and am I starting to get disconnected from her, or is it a normal response? PS: She's 30 and I'm 27, so we're not kids anymore. I have to add though that I'm someone that needs more attention than other people on some days. I have a mild form of autism (asperger) which causes me to not always function healthy when it comes to bonding. She knows that, and she has promised me she would always be considerate of that fact, which was a very important condition for me going into this relationship. I know it's a bit much perhaps, but any advice or someone willing to talk about it with me is appreciated.
kendahke Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 (edited) Hello everybody! My girlfriend and I are dating for a year and a half now. We both have a very busy school/work schedule and she has been dealing with alot of pressure on her plate lately. Because of that she has been giving me almost no attention. Now I'm not the kind of boyfriend that needs constant attention, but it bothered me alot since she was neglecting me. So one day I decided to yet again talk to her about her not giving me attention or trying to make time for me. She was getting sick of me telling her I wanted more time and attention and told me she wanted a break untill after her school deadlines. The reason she gave me was that she couldn't handle me as another responsibility right now. there's no such thing as "a break". You're either together working out your issues or you're broken up. We've been on break for a week now, and we haven't talked more than we would if we were just friends. She doesn't respond with I love you too anymore, nor does she show any love for me whatsoever. To be fair, you two are on "a break", so that means a break from that, too. Now I'm not pushing her because I now she needs her space, but I think it is a weird transition from: "you're the most important man in my life" to "not even willing to say I love you because she's busy with school". Now to come to the conclusion. After a week or so of the break, I'm starting to go from frustration of not getting her attention anymore to becoming angry, distant and close to not caring anymore. I feel like if I'm not worth the effort, than she isn't worth my time either. Are my feelings shifting and am I starting to get disconnected from her, or is it a normal response? PS: She's 30 and I'm 27, so we're not kids anymore. I have to add though that I'm someone that needs more attention than other people on some days. I have a mild form of autism (asperger) which causes me to not always function healthy when it comes to bonding. She knows that, and she has promised me she would always be considerate of that fact, which was a very important condition for me going into this relationship. I know it's a bit much perhaps, but any advice or someone willing to talk about it with me is appreciated.Since she is on the receiving end of your neediness and you aren't, you probably can't appreciate how draining and tiring it can be to constantly be the emotional buttress for someone who doesn't have enough self discipline to get through a few weeks while she clears her plate of obligations she must meet, which includes someone's finances, either hers, her parent's or the bank's (paying for school she's trying to finish). But you also have the obligation to keep your aspergers/autism in check, since you're aware of it, how it plays out in your life and to recognize when you're giving it too much of its head when it comes to her and what she can fulfill in a day. It's not an excuse to not do what is needed to rein it in. What are you doing to help make her stress less? It sounds like not much. My advice is to just give her space to clear her plate since that is what she needs right now. She's not going to always be in school and her plate will clear. You have to develop patience. If you can't do that, then you need to find someone on the same emotional developmental level as you. An emotionally healthy person is going to push back when you crowd too much, even if they do love you. Edited June 18, 2017 by kendahke
act00 Posted June 18, 2017 Posted June 18, 2017 I commend you for being up front about your Asperger (autism spectrum) and it's really good that you are self-aware. That said, you come across as exceptionally needy. Even in a normal circumstance, people are going to cut bait if you become an obligation. She stated she is not able to handle you as "another responsibility." That speaks volumes. You're an "obligation" that can be eliminated, thus "taking a break." Taking a break is just a gentle way of breaking up and prolonging the inevitable. During this break, she is very likely taking a huge sigh of relief that she has one less thing to deal with. I have no idea if she's going to want to pick you up again after she gets through her other life stresses...maybe she will, and during this time, you may wish to investigate coping skills, so that you don't become a chore or obligation again. Again, I'm glad that you put yourself out there and let her know where you have difficulty and where she may need to work harder in a compromise, as all couples do. She may have walked into this with understanding and agreement, you have been together for quite some time, but she didn't realize just how difficult it would be to deal with you when her own life hit a great deal of turmoil. What she needs is YOU to be supportive of her, and what she doesn't need is to constantly have to placate you. I think you are in a place where you need to be supporting her. You are not helping, but instead demanding more attention, so she needs to create space from you. You can be patient and when life slows down, she can be available again, or you need to let her go and find someone who operates on the same level as you.
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